Regretfully quitting the Ed Sheeran US tour

Welp. Another week, and another fucking column that comes out the day after the next week starts. Tough shit you fuckers. You'll be lucky to get jokes that aren't just copied from Twitter and shoehorned into recaps that don't even include the specific player. There was a time when these things carried a little bit of prestige and integrity.

Hah, no there wasn't. These things have always been a horrifically uninspiring chain of vulgarity and some NFL discussion, with a dabble of cheese hate sprinkled in from time to time when the time warrants.

..which reminds me: if I get another fucking breakfast sandwich with a quarter pound of melted cheese after I specifically ask for none, I will personally firebomb your restaurant.

Yeah anyway, enjoy the wet bucket of shit you fuckers, it's all you got until maybe I get my shit together for week 3 and have something that isn't some sleep deprived mess.

Recaps

All right you fuckers. Let's move on to some absolutely fucking terrible quality recaps.

Enjoy!

[W] TreVeyon My Wayward Son
[L] Olave it Hurts

What started out as an absolute fucking rout really kinda turned into a sad, sad loss for Olave it Hurts. 70 fucking points on Thursday, and then 47 points the rest of the fucking weekend.

Where did this failure come from?

Well. It looks like a who's who of pathetic shitfucks:

• Terry McLaurin
• Courtland Sutton
• Lions

Bunch of a fucking slapdicks who live to disappoint. The fuck is wrong with Terry? I don't give a shit that his Quarterback's elbow has an extra corner, get your ass fucking OPEN.

On the other end of the spectrum, TreVeyon My Wayward Son really stepped it up - despite Drake ♬ It's not gonna be ♬ Maye absolutely fuckin laying an egg, you ended up with to rest of the god damn roster layin the smack down. No one scored fewer than 10 points, with CeeDeez Nuts curb stomping the Commies with 35+ points.

[W] My Guys
[L] Jed York and the Criminal Tools

The fuck am I looking at - it's like the same god damn matchup again:

Winning roster (My Guys) has an abomination of a Quarterback performance with the rest of the lineup dragging the desecrated corpse of QB play to a win - vs - a losing (Jed York and Criminals Tools) top-heavy roster where the QB and 1 or 2 skill positions accounting for 80% of the points while the remaining 2/3rds shitting their own pants in terror.

I'm not going to hold dispersions against pants shitting - we've all been there (some of us a a bit more removed from their last pants-boweling than others),

Some of my closest family members are currently dealing with it (love you, girls) - but god damn.

It's always such a god damn brutal way to follow the games over the weekend: Being forced to root for complete assfaces like Malachi Fields, Michael Mayer, and Jameson Williams would have me rethinking my life decisions and whether I should instead be getting drunk picking apples or getting drunk and doing yard work. Or getting drunk and yelling at falling leaves.

Or just getting drunk.

[L] darnold's pizza kitchen
[W] Slava I Crain

I have to admit, this fucking sucks shit seeing Stefon Diggs absolutely ripping it up while AJ fucking Brown is out for what 6 weeks?

This is some bull shit. Although I guess this would explain the complete and utter inadequacy of McLaurin (who sucks, btw).

Congrats on 2-0 Slava I Crain, I want to say this is your best start of the season in recent memory. Now you have to figure out a way to recover and readjust thanks to the "departure" of Jayden Daniels, whose elbow got so fucked up his mother is filing a lawsuit against Jerry World for unlicensed use of the number his arm now looks like.

Speaking of the 2024 class of quarterbacks who suffered injuries, Caleb appears to have Deadpool-esque regeneration powers. He went from needing his leg removed to possibly starting for week 3. Neat.

[L] Great Googly Moogly
[W] El Gring BRO Luchador

uhhh, what the fuck Great Googly Moogly. Maybe your 62+ point performance would have been good enough when your team name reference was still fresh to our dipshit society (ca. late 1990s), but in the year of our lord 2026? THAT DOG WILL NOT HUNT.

And now you've set yourself back by an entire game when it comes to the points tiebreaker. I wonder if there's anyone we can blame,,,,

Well obviously Jaxson Darccccccc

[NOTE: It was at this point that apparently I fell asleep while writing and can not, for the life of me remember what the fuck I was trying to say - but I'm going to keep it in here anyway because I personally find it funny]

Let's hop back in,

What an acquisition the Bills made to get DJ Moore, he couldn't even outscore a literal meathead who tore his meniscus and had to get his jersey taken from him in order to keep him from playing the rest of the game. What a complete fuckin asshole.

El Gring BRO Luchador, congrats you had the highest output of the week!

This matchup frankly reminds me of those football games where mascots absolutely fucking punish little children.

Yes. Those things are real:

[W] AJ "Boxy" Brown
[L] European Capitals

What the fuck is going on.

I thought 62 points was bad - we got FIFTY FUCKING FIVE? This is going to be the first fantasy team in history where one of the players demands a trade.

I know there's the whole adage of "when it rains it pours" but right now European Capitals makes the Lost City of Atlantis look like it's in the Sahara fucking Desert.

AJ "Body" Brown barely had to do shit this week to get that dub, and at just 118 points he kinda did. Without Divantay Adams ripping shit up with a vintage performance, this would have been an even worse matchup. I'm already sick of looking at it, and I visit https://reddit.com/r/shitfromabutt dozens of times a day.

[W] The Lying Media

[L] Two hotdogs one bun

OH FUCKING HELL YEAH I GOD DAMN FUCKING WON. I'M IN 4TH PLACE. NO ONE CAN FUCKING STOP ME NOW.

SHIT I EVEN HAVE MY ASSHOLE INJURED PIECES OF SHIT COMING BACK. WHAT NOW, BITCHES??

Looks like Patrick "extra" chroMahomes may be a steal in this draft - the dude is operating at peak form, just flingin' the ball to another young-again player in Travis "gimme another hit of Adrenochrome" Kelce. Looks like the Chiefs have found themselves the fountain of youth, and I ain't complaining because apparently, I have a handful of those assholes on my team.

Sorry Two hotdogs one bun, a matchup that would have handily beat over half of the league ain't going to mean shit against me.

Finally, one last point to make about your roster,

Fin

OK finally. Fucking done.

Not exactly my finest work, but it's work nonetheless so I hope it does help close out your week.

Now I have to get back to prepping before this god damn fucking Nor'Easter that supposed to hit. I swear to God, if this fuck-face of a storm knocks off all the god damn leaves and ruins this Fall I'm going to most likely do nothing. Maybe I'll scream at a pond or some shit.

Good luck to everyone this week, but I do hope I outscore all of you. Take care, stay safe, and enjoy the season for those of you who celebrate.