2026

Truck it, don't track it

Let's just jump right the fuck in,

[W] My guys
[L] darnold's pizza kitchen

You know. These things would probably be a lot easier to write if I took at least one fucking gander at them during the actual NFL sunday slate. I usually just have the Patriots on while either meal prepping Penelope's food for the next couple weeks or doing yard work outside (..where the yard happens to be..). Gone are the days when I could slap a couple games and then have redzone playing alongside, take notes, and really understand the game flow of these matchups.

Alas, time makes fools of us all, and I am quite the fuckin fool because I keep throwing money away every fucking season in multiple leagues.

But enough about me and my dipshittery, you're here to hear about My Guys and darnold's pizza kitchen dipshittery.

And boy, we got a couple of dipshits indeed - and I mean that lovingly.

Our glorious Commissioner pulled out the win in typical fashion with a slew of dominating performances. The only disappointment really was Chase Brown - but that seems to be the theme with that asshole this season. George Kittle gets a pass because he literally blew out his achilles like, 9 or 10 months ago which is fucking insane to think that he's back on the football field.

No idea where this Matthew Golden fuckface came from, but I'm not happy that he's just been assimilated as another My Guys.

Yes Mr. Sherman, everything's great.

Poor darnold's pizza kitchen looked a win in the face, laughed it off, and decided to start Josh Downs "syndrome", (D)avid Montgomery, and Carnell Taint.

Those assholes all combined to score less than 10 points in a matchup lost by 15(ish). Oh, that's nothing to really be kicking yourself about, you say?

Hah. I've got you in my trap you asshole for now I have painted you as the frazzled and ignorant reader while I've claimed myself as the elegant and intelligent writer. Come follow the path I've blazed while I lead you to:

If darnold's pizza kitchen had basically started any two off his bench in place of the three assholes I listed above, he wins handily.

That said, I wouldn't have fuckin started any of these assholes - like, who the fuck are any of these shitheads anyway?

[W] TreVeyon My Wayward Son
[L] Great Googly Moogly

MY BOY IS BACK. YOU MOTHER FUCKERS THOUGHT YOU WERE SAFE FROM THE DRIZZY?

NO. THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT.

OUR FUCKING MAD LAD IS BACK TOSSIN BOMBS AND KISSIN' TDs (with all due respect to Anne MIchael Maye) AND IT DOESN'T LOOK THIS TRAIN IS SLOWING DOWN ANYTIME SOON.

47.65 points and the fuckin win for TreVeyon My Wayward Son,

Not much else to be writing home about. Your ass has -1.0 points from Rams, and the only player who did worse than CeeDeez Nuts was the god damn Doober.

In a matchup that would have Sam Darnold and Drake Maye face one another, looks like the good guy finally won and the biggest fahken loosah was Great Googly Moogly who got Great Googly Mogged by his opponent.

Had no fuckin clue that Darnold sucked so much ass in his game. Holy shit, 10.3 points? The fuck how was that game only decided by 3 fucking points? That's nuts. Did Sam have ghosts scoring for him or some shit? Oh well, I'm sure he'll be much better in the next game.

[L] Two hotdogs one bun
[W] El Gring BRO Luchador

I don't want to be a dick, but right now at 0-5 I'm kinda tingly in balls with excitement as the prospect of an Imperfect Season looms in the distance.

There's no reason to talk too much about it and absolutely jinx it like those fucking idiots who start talking about a perfect game in the god damn third inning, but in my defense - I'm a spectacular fucking idiot. The wild part is that Two hotdogs one bun is not a bad team by any stretch, but I swear to God the right players shit their pantaloons at the right time every week.

Two hotdogs one bun every time he sets his lineup Sunday Morning

Plus he has Mitsubishi Montero Marv who literally is building his career with shit from his butt. If only he could somehow find a trade partner like the Cardinals did.

El Gring BRO Luchador is back to above .500 riding on the back of AFC Offensive Player of the week Jaylen Warren, who is remarkably better than the other Jaylen on his team: Waddle, who as a member of the Denver Broncos is such an asshole he is the human equivalent of that coat hanger that gets caught on every other fucking coat hanger when I'm trying to grab just one from my closet.

He's the giant fucking pickup who parks at an angle and just barely eliminates a second parking space in a way where you have to stop and strongly contemplate whether you can make it work but ultimately, you just won't be able to fit in there - and even if you did, that fucker would absolutely doorslam your ass on their way out because their entitled asses would be so upset that you dared venture into their personal space that is the parking spot next to them.

Oh, and fuck the Broncos.

[W] Olave it Hurts
[L] Slava I Crain

Not to toss Olave it Hurts under any sort of bus or anything, but I literally had to drag them kicking and screaming into this fantasy football season - like I have the scars from when she bit my god damn fucking pinky off whilst I got her to re-activate her roster.

Imgur — Had to resort to extreme measures to get her to click "Submit"

And then on Monday she was cursing the very ground Josh Allen and Keon Coleman fucking walked on until they finally dragged her team to a win.

That said, to be well actually fair - those two didn't fucking earn shit for points until like, the second half. It was wild that Keon Coleman had like 2 or 3 big receptions to get points and they kept getting called back due to offensive penalties committed by other players. As a bystander, it was fucking hilarious - even if it means I would be the victim of yet another domestic fantasy-football-fueled murder-suicide.

..anyway, that didn't happen because Josh Allen is a fucking beast

And she beat Slava I Crain who was riding quite the redemption game by Jayden Daniels. The roster did its best, Trey "The Princess" McBride even tapped an absolutely disgusting touchdown catch to himself to keep the pressure on something something something "aaaaas yooooouuuu wiiiiiiiish".

Really the biggest issue on this roster is at the wide receiver position. Donkey Kong Metcalf is probably the biggest name on the roster, and he fuckin suuucks. Don't even get me started on Tre', Diggs, and .. uhh, I guess that's it. Maybe I'm just overreacting and it's not that bad.

[L] European Crapitals
[W] Jed York and the Criminal Tools

Uhmm. Yo, what the fuck.

192.56 points??

As much as I'd love to see someone hit 200 points, this might have been the perfect fucking lineup:

Everyone has 10+ points (min. was actually 13.0 points from the Vikings D/ST)
Average of 21.40 points per player
Median is 20.16
Mode is 23

I don't know if this is some bullshit that stats always pulls, but the fact that the mean/median/mode are all so fucking close to one another has to mean something significant. I refuse to believe otherwise. Just fucking bananas.

And here we have another Mother 0fer, and this one is frankly even more shocking. This fucker scored more than most of the league (7 team) and yet still has zero fucking wins to show for it.

Just wild to see Jed York and Criminal Tools take a giant, wet, Cleveland Steamer on something something something Europe.

[W] The Lying Media
[L] AJ "Boxy" Brown

Welp. I tried to pick up a backup kicker and it failed spectacularly. I'm so happy that I ultimately didn't drop Adolf Butker because I'd be fucking pissed for wasting good energy on perhaps the most dipshittily position on the roster.

wait what the fuck, that's not the right image

Anyway, thanks to a wildly hilarious Thursday Night game that had the Dallas Cowboys get fucking pantsed on National Television the 5th best streaming service, I had an extremely relaxing weekend. Great to see Pickens finally fucking show up for the NFL season, and he picked a great game to do it at.

Irving did pretty good too after a ROUGH couple of fucking weeks. Thank God I decided to let him ride and didn't bench him this week.

Who will I probably bench? Same guy I've been screaming SKATTEBOOOOOOO at.

This god damn walking and talking ball of CTE with arms has fucking sucked this season.

As far as the opponent, AJ "Boxy" Brown isn't just chopped liver - but it was a bad fucking week. Even Bijan al-Gaib had himself a pretty fucking pedestrian week scoring fewer than 58. And then you have Jeremiyah Love realizing he's on the fucking Cardinals and just dropping a deuce on the field with 2.2

And don't get me started on the receivers, just the quintessential "when it rains it pours" kind of week.

Fin

Week 5 is done-zo! And with that, we are going to be hitting the 1/3rd-mark of the NFL regular season. Man, the season grows up so fast, I remember when it was just a twinkle in our collectives eyes and hope was springing eternal while we had our draft. Now we have such a plethora of disappointments, surprises, and not-shocking-at-alls filling our collective rosters.

As we move forward and grow out of the awkward stage of the season, I'm sure we'll see who has what it takes to stand above the rest and be crowned King of Shit Heap - it's always incredible to watch the symbolic breaching of the ocean of piss we all swim in to see who gets to breathe air and evolve into a playoff team.

And always remember, there's still plenty of time to both make a run for the tournament (as Bill Parcells would famously dub the postseason) as well as fall completely on your fucking face and shit yourself to death out of it.

Anyway, hope y'all enjoyed this - I'm taking next week off. Going to Vermont for a few days to enjoy the waning days of leaf season, make a scene at Trillium, and say "oh wow, what a beautiful view" like, so many fucking times - almost as many times as I ask myself, "why the fuck are we doing this with a baby and toddler?"

Take care my dudes, hope the week(s) treat you all fantastically, and see you in a few. Love you guys.