2026

sharia law now mandatory, finally

RIP in piss

La Liga Luchador vs. AJ "Boxy" Brown

Welp, not really sure how to put this into words so I'll let a picture give you roughly a thousand of them:

I don't need to get too deeply into how much it totally sucks to be this year's honorary Christian McCaffrey Memorial I-guess-this-player-is-dead-for-the-season recipient with Lamar Jackson going from one injury straight to the fucking IR after a single god damn pass attempt.

AJ "Boxy" Brown's season turn a turn sharper than the new bend that Lamar's thumb received in that game against the Bills.

To add insult to more insult would be having two offensive positions on the Falcons during that absolutely ridiculous display of Mother Nature's bitchery in Tampa.

Anyway, enough with the loser - let's talk about the winner: La Liga Luchador.

Just rampaging his ass into second place in the league on the back of the absolutely erratic, Mother. Fucking. Joe. Burrow. Dude scored 6 touchdowns and was making Jed York blush with how many times he connected up with Hooker on Sunday.

And despite having the win sealed up and ready to go like a fecal sample on the way to the lab, he just had to drop in an extra 23+ points with JSN.

Slava I Crain vs. Great Googly Moogly

Just like we all predicted,

Kirko 2Chainz still got it

Similar to hanging out at an Alabama tailgate, someone got absolutely assblasted by Cousins (#RollTide).

Great Googly Moogly reaped the benefits of Temu Ja'Marr and with the dual 30+ point cannons, got the win over Slava I Crain and his terrible, no good, very bad starting running backs and wide receiver. As neato as Jonathan Taylor Touchdown and Javonte Williams both scoring the exact same amount of points was, when the combined total is only 13.4 then that neato goes into FUCK WHAT THE FUCK COME ON.

And don't even get me started on DK. At this point, his first name stands for Don't Know why this guy keeps getting snaps.

Jed York and the Criminal Tools vs. darnold's pizza kitchen

Eegad. Jed York and the Criminal Tools was absolutely shellacked like a beautifully crafted black walnut table. To make matters a million billion times worse, a win could have been easily in reach if he could be just a little fucking insane and start Luther Burden III over Zay Flowers and Emmett Johnson over Zach Charbonnet.

Like, sure in hindsight of course you start those guys because they scored dozens and dozens of points compared to their counterparts who dribbled shit down their own legs. But at the time? You'd literally be thrown out of a 15th story window for suggesting such moves. So I stand with Jed York in this troubling time of loss and lend my support as a fellow fucking loser.

Now, as for darnold's pizza kitchen I really should extend my hand, congratulate him, and say that he captured a hard-earned win.

But I won't, because what the fuck, outside of James Cook III, there's absolutely nothing remarkable about that roster. I can't quite explain why, but when no one can even muster 20 points, there's not much motivation for me to give a shit and try to come up with [terrible] jokes in good fun. That said, who the fuck cares what I think? The man got the win, has clawed his way back to a .500 record and is poised to make a run on the backs of.

Chuba Chaser vs. My Guys

Welcome to the club, My Guys. You got your face stomped in by my horrifically competitive wife who I'm so sorry I called horrifically competitive, please don't beat me.

And no, I'm not typing any of this under duress. I'm willingly saying that I do not live in fear of my own masculinity, and that there's nothing to be ashamed of for being the third best fantasy football player in my household (I can only imagine that Penelope has most likely inherited Rachel's prowess).

My Guys made it close after Sunday Night Football with Kenneth Walker and Jonah Coleman - and going into Monday Night there's definitely reason to be confident with the recent play of the Seahawks and their Darkside Defense. Maybe cause one fumble, or grab a couple picks, sack Caleb a couple times, and with any luck you've forced the Bears to move away from their run game in favor of playing catchup through the air.

However, just like Kurt Cobain living old enough to start seeing grey hair,

.. that did not happen. As the game progressed, D'Andre kept getting the rock and pounding the Seattle endzone. It was fucking wild to watch. Swift simply refuses to get worse with age. He's a god damn enigma wrapped in a riddle.

Anyway, I just wanted to call out the picking up of Jonah Coleman and getting 20+ points from him and just ask: WHAT THE FUCK, DAN. HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING THESE JABRONIS AND GETTING THEM INTO THE STARTING LINEUP TO BE PRODUCTIVE AND SHIT. DRIVING ME GOD DAMN CRAZY SEEING DUDES WHO I'VE LITERALLY NEVER HEARD BEFORE HELPING YOU PUT UP SOME SOLID POINTS (although less than I scored this week).

Two hotdogs one bun vs. TreVeyon My Wayward Son

oof.

BIG oof.

The AFK Warrior strikes again and Two hotdogs one bun captures a win despite the fact that he's hasn't quite been the most active lineup-setter in the league. As in, Monangai hasn't scored in the 3 weeks he's been a starter.

Rare footage of Two hotdogs one bun setting his lineup for the week

But who am I to criticize, I try every fucking week and only have one more win. I'm just getting absolutely mogged because I reek of pathetic desperation as I fail at clawing together wins. So really, what the fuck do I know about properly managing a fantasy team?

But back to this most hilarious of outcomes, TreVeyon My Wayward Son has a fucking good roster and still couldn't overcome a brick tied to a god damn switch - although I think a lot of the blame should be centered around the fact that he had to depend on Perine, who is kind of the kiss of death when it comes to Fantasy Football.

Teams that start Samaje are 2-74 over the history of our fantasy league.

And no, I have zero stats to back that up, only vibes. But the vibes are strong as hell.

The Lying Media vs. European Capitals

Welp. I guess I kinda deserved this one. Not because I'm bad at fantasy football, which I am but even dipshits like me can scrounge some wins here and there.

But most likely because I kinda sorta kept negging my opponent by calling them the European Crapitals for the passed few weeks. And I think pointing out some other malarkey about the roster. Now, I never thought it was anything malicious, but it served as incredible bulletin board material and propelled European Capitals to their first win of the season.

In a way, I think I'm actually owed a debt of gratitude. But I think in a significantly more accurate way, I'm a god damn fucking loser holy shit I can't believe I fuckin lost - but of course I did because what the fuck was I going to do, start the right players from my bench?

I'm far from a dominant force in this league, but this still felt like a Texas-turn-blue level upset. Or maybe every-fucking-county-in-NC-went-blue upset. Or at the very least, Sherrod-Brown-is-back-in-Ohio level. But definitely not first-muslim-senator, or first-democratic-senator-from-mississippi-since-before-the-southern-strategy-was-a-fucking-thing, or first black-woman-governor, or first black-woman senator.

BREAKING: Footage of Greg Abbott on his way to comment.

Yeah anyway, congrats on your win you god damn bastard. I am looking forward to finishing lower in the standings than you because fuck this stupid god damn hobby.

Fin

First off, my bad on being a day late on a column that I consider routinely published too late in the week. I hope everyone was able to survive their work week and with any luck, this will serve as a great shitter read or something over this weekend.

Second, I truly do hope folks had themselves a fun Halloween - it was Penelope's first and I have to admit it's fucking rad going to a house with your kid to ask for candy. The excitement and utter bewilderment that she had where for whatever reason, some dipshit phrase like "Trick or Treat" means that you can then just grab a bunch of colored packages of who the fuck knows (she's still just 2 and change so mom and dad plundered everything she got).

And when they're as small and adorable as she is, people will just let her go fuckin hog wild on their candy bowls. Sure, we ended up with some Milk Duds (why are they still legal to make) but she did grab a lot of Reese's among other super solid choices.

Thirdly, good luck to all you assholes tomorrow. I don't necessarily want to wish everyone good luck because I'm desperate for both a winning record as well as a solid playoff spot. But even if everyone happens to somehow lose, I sure do hope everyone has a super fun time if/when they do.

Take care you fuckers. Stay safe, stay warm, make sure 'to give those lineups a good once-over by Sunday! Much love, my dudes.