I'm a victim of circumstance
Colts vs Commies
Mariota goes down, which makes way for the Grecian Sensacian - Throwdysseus.
Patriots vs Bills
Pardon me, I need to first get this out,
Oh wait, not sure if I've fully made my point,
I can't fucking believe we pulled it off again. Although I really shouldn't be all too surprised because we've always had a man on the inside. Someone who no one in Buffalo could ever have expected:
And of course, we need to give some respect to the man who fucking finally decided to show up this season,
So,
Fuck the Bills and Fuck that Bitch-ass Stadium
Jets @ Bears
...hmmm....
Jaggin Bungles
ahhhhh,,,,,
Cards @ Giants
Oh come the fuck on, hell no
Rams @ Iggles
Ahh! Here's a game!
Packers @ Buccs
.. you know what,
Titans @ Ravens / Cowboys @ Texans / Dolphisn @ Vikes / Chefs @ Raiders / broncos @ 9ers / charge @ bitch pigeons
Lions @ Panthers
Sure. The Patriots beating the Bills makes for some good fun, but the real reason this portion of the column made it this week for the first time this season is because of this game.
And specifically, this gif I found that perfectly demonstrates the tragic existence of the current Detroit Lions and their fans,
Recapulations
Ayyyyy, welcome back. It's week 4 and it's like .. kinda the 25% of the season mark? Week 5 already has some byes, and the season is 18 weeks now so .. uhh. I dunno, the fractions I'm coming up with are kind of weird and scary to me.
Sooooo yeah, let's kick this shit off. And just remember, if you have any issues with anything I've said you can always direct those complaints straight up your own asshole!
[L] My Guys
[W] TreVeyon My Wayward Son
Yeah sure, so these two fuckers went into Monday Night Football with the win all but assured to TreVeyon My Wayward Son, but in some fucking wild stroke of luck, My Guys almost pulled it off by not actually doing anything with that primetime game.
I can't believe that shitbird, Kendre Miller fumbled the ball and reduced that 3 points lead down to fucking one.
He fortunately totally redeemed himself and scraped together 1.9 points and build up that near-insurmountable lead against a roster who literally had no more players left to play.
Some wild fucking stuff. TreVeyon's squad had some incredible highs with Drake Maye "not believe in the Moon landing", CeeDeez Nuts, and LaPorta-potty dragging along the stank-assed lows of Laddy and Kendre. Thankfully, the highs were enough - because My Guys very much let this game slip through his god damn fingers with that FLEX choice.
[W] Great Googly Moogly
[L] Two hotdogs one bun
Another week, another brutal loss. This week definitely was definitely showcasing the Two gut-punches one bun with Chase Ja'Marring his offense output, and Rashee Rice being a complete no-show.
..and I guess it's a triple, complete with the lesson that if you have the opportunity to, you HAVE to go for the "Cream of some" Monangai.
Solid win for Great Googly Moogly thanks to Alvin "Katrina" Kamara showing up for a decimating New Orleans loss. And then absolutely zero fucking thanks to TreVeyon who fucking sucks as a fantasy running back.
[L] AJ "Body" Brown
[W] Olave it Hurts
Despite the best attempts by Bijan al-Gaib and Duncan Idaholave to keep the spices flowing for "Boxy" Brown, there just was no overcoming the wildly powerful offensive output of Chubbsie Hubbsie, Nico, and the Hock 'n son for Olave it Hurts.
Speaking of pain, I'm not entirely sure how long this wild show of disrespect can continue on for Olave it Hurts as they carry not only two defenses, but two kickers, AND have an empty bench spot. The offensive depth of this roster is non-existent - and any that is present includes three fucking tight ends.
That said, they're in second fucking place with three wins. The fuck do I know?
[L] El Gring BRO Luchador
[W] Jed York and the Criminal Tools
Oh look, another 3-1 team. Congrats to Jed York and the Criminal Tools for keeping pace with the haves of this league and securing his third win. Lucky motherfucker didn't end up absolutely throwing away his win despite being a complete poor fool to start that Jacrappy Crapskey-Merritt asshole and leaving a couple significantly better running backs on his bench.
How the fuck does Jacory keep getting starts for teams? He's working on an insanely successful second season of being one of the most disappointing running backs out there, probably giving Omarion a run for his money as the worst - WHO WAS ON El Gring BRO Luchador's bench actually topping 10 fucking points.
The fuck is this shit, I'm trying to talk trash about a player, and they go ahead and have a reasonably respectable performance? Where was this shit when I had you on my roster last season?? And don't give me any of that sorry-assed, "oh waaaah I was injured I'm sorry" horseshit.
Too bad for the Bro, any way you cut it, he was locked in to putting the "L" in Luchador for week 4.
[W] Slava I Crain
[L] European Capitals
Jesus Christ. It's just a race to the fuckin bottom with European Capitals and Two hotdogs one bun. And given that European Capitals only averages 84 points a game and is 98 points behind the second worst team (see aforementioned Two hotdogs), I think this is his challenge to not just win - but dominate.
Now, you may be thinking that I'm just piling on. That even though his roster being a pile of mortally wounded potential, why am I still shoveling wet baby shit on top of it to add insult to injury? Well, it's because I can. Plus he has Bo Nix. And I fucking hate that fuckface along with all his dipshit Bronco teammates.
..yeah so uhh, I don't really have much else to say because nothing I can really do that could make you feel worse then when you hop onto your Fantasy Football app and see this fucking roster every week.
Now Saquon is fuckin out, and he really was the guy who could even remotely attempt to turn it around for you. Yikes.
Slava I Crain! You're fucking killin' it right now - and thank god you are grabbin' all the wins you can because holy shit, I thought Olave it Hurts' roster was the worst with it being shallower than the grave my self-respect is buried in - but Slava's is insane. You have three fucking positions on your bench that could possibly score points. One of which is a fucking defense, and the other is a dude on the 9ers who I don't actually believe is a real player.
I mean, Kaelon Black? He sounds like a fucking House of the Dragon character. Who would obviously, be a white man.
[W] darnold's pizza kitchen
[L] The artist formerly known as The Lying Media
Well. This fuckin sucked. I couldn't even top 100 points and just struggled like some sort of European Capital. Sure, I left some points on my bench, but it's not like any of those fuckers would have helped me make any sort of significant difference.
And what the fuck is up with George Pickens?? Did I make a mistake with drafting this jabroni? The man has all the tools in the world, doesn't have to worry about going against the best defensive backs because so much attention is going to be all over CeeDeez Nuts, he has a good quarterback throwing him the ball. THE FUCK ELSE YOU NEED, GEORGE?
I guess my running backs are shaky as fuck at best. Skattebo is just some dipshit meathead, and Bucky Irving is on a team that is actively quitting on their completely overmatched and shockingly still employed, manager (can we all just pretend that last night's game didn't fucking take place for now??)
At least my only fucking tight end as well as my excellent quarterback are going on fucking bye next week. HOW THE FUCK ARE WE ALREADY AT BYE-WEEKS? IT'S WEEK 5. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, WHY DO THEY GIVE ANY TEAM A BYE WEEK THIS EARLY IN THE FUCKING SEASON???
Oh great, and look at this god damn fucking darnold's pizza kitchen - what even is that name, is this some sort of god damn sentient pizza kitchen or some shit, did I seriously just lose to a bunch of dough-tossing pizza pussies? After absolutely dragging this fucking Chase Brown asshole across coals, he comes out and scores 19 fucking points? The fuck is that shit.
And then this god damn Titty McMillan gets 45+ points? What the fuck is that shit!??
At least with any luck, I'll see your fucking assface struggling just like me during the bye week. Without Bryce Young, you'll have to go with his trade-mate Caleb who's bitchass painted fingies can't seem to get himself into the active roster quite yet because why, some fucking injury that wasn't even real? MAN THE FUCK UP, BITCH.
Fin.
And there we go, another one down the hatch!
It was a pretty fun week, if I do say so myself. Both from the perspective of being an NFL fan and my favorite team winning, but also because we are hitting the mother fucking stride of it being autumn. Leaves are changing all over the god damn place, the weather is cool enough that the absolutely ridiculous combo of sweater and shorts is on the table, and by some miracle apple cider donuts calories don't actually count.
Now we have a fuckin rad three day weekend coming up where I'm hoping to spend some quality time with the family, perhaps pick an apple or pumpkin or nine ... teen, and drink so many hazy IPAs I'll be gambling on farts and some sports the whole time.
Take care everyone, thanks for stopping by, and lookin forward to what the rest of week 5 brings.
