Shut up, Wesley.
Welp. It was a pretty fuckin nice week off! Almost too nice. In case all of you were wondering, Vermont was pretty god damn spectacular. Yeah sure, we missed the peak season, but we did beat stick season and was able to enjoy leaves of every shade of gold.
Now, before I move on with all of you assuming that it was fun I need to make things clear: any sort of "vacation" with children under a certain age (in our case, a little over 27-months and 7-months) there is no such fucking thing as an outright fun vacation. It was a trip, and it had us questioning whether it was ultimately a fun time.
Of course, it's always worth it because it's nice to break up the monotony of home life - I don't need to fuckin cook shit, we get to enjoy a pretty nice AirBnb spot (note: fuck AirBnb, so happy that so many dipshit hosts are all sorts of pissed off from the new rules), calories simply do not apply, and where there's any extra time available, we can fill it in with drinking booze cocktails and beers.
But holy shit, it's still a god damn exhausting experience. There is no such thing as a significant chunk of time where Rachel and I can talk about anything other than "did we bring enough milk", "where is the afternoon snack?", "we only have one more diaper", "oh my god there's no spare pants?", "oh dear god the whole car seat is covered", "she grabbed what off of that stranger's plate??", and so on.
Sure, there's the time in the evening when both kids are finally asleep - but that time is reserved for me to fall asleep and Rachel to look through the day's photos while we rewatch Ozark, occasionally commenting about how much we love Ruth's character, how Marty is kind of a badass, how Wendy keeps going between bad bitch and outright bitch, and how outright terrifying Darlene is.
At this point, you may be wondering: "what the fuck is the point of all of this?" Well, it's that you all serve as my own personal therapist as I complain about the cycle of insanity that takes place where,
- a trip is taken
- we go fuckin insane
- say "that was exhausting"
< We are here - time passes
- another trip is taken
All that said, I'd do it again. Challenges like these are always worth it for the memories they make. Plus the beer was pretty fucking good - even at Alchemist (which I accidentally called Trillium like a fucking idiot). I learned that apparently they invented the concept of a New England IPA, which they communicated to us in the most fucking obnoxious way possible.
Don't get too all high a mighty guys, your New England IPAs aren't actually even the best ones we tasted on the trip, so calm your hops. Fuckin bitches.
Recaps
All right, enough with the pleasantries, let's get to the good shit.
Great Googly Moogly vs. AJ "Boxy" Brown
Sometimes it's better to be lucky than smart, and unfortunately Great Googly Moogly went with the latter, following the projected scores instead of relying on the tried-and-true hindsight that I employ in each of these recaps. This poor fucker ended up benching a win by leaving Concepcion "of a plan" and Jameson "whisky" on the sidelines while watching AJ Brown and Germie Bernard fuck his whole shit up.
AJ "Boxy" Brown did what he needed to do , and by that I mean he benched Kyle Pitts Sr. which is why he went off for a decent showing. That dude is absolutely on the current Mount Rushmore of insanity-inducing fantasy players. He will only show up under the following conditions:
- You release him
- You bench him
- You traded him away
darnold's pizza kitchen vs. La Liga Luchador
Sometimes when it rains it pours, and for week 7 darnold's pizza kitchen collapsed on itself like a video game controller guided submersible trying to view the Titanic. Not even starting Caleb Williams would have helped steer him to victory - his shit was fucked the moment they kicked off week 7.
La Liga Luchador is really starting to set himself apart with his 5th fuckin win this season riding the two-headed monster of Joe Burrow and Jaxon Smith-Njigba "please", with some support from his dong: Tre Tucker. Literally had enough points from those 3 to win his matchup - the additional scoring was just rubbing it in darnold's pizza kitchen's face.
What a sore winner.
My Guys vs. Slava I Crain
Holy shit, more 5-win teams??? The fuck is this league? This is god damn malarkey of the grandest order. And this shenanigannery was only possible because of the upset by Slave I Crain over My Guys.
Now, before I get into shellacking My Guys and his Big Beautiful Roster that completely and utterly failed him,
I have to lay into a decision that while great for gameplay, is one that I get to happily hold over the head of the owner so I can feel better about my absolute dogshit set of morals and ethics.
Joshua Jacobs.
That monster of a man played well, really hit every hole like it was an ex-girlfriend. Absolutely laid into the defense like a completely defenseless victim. Perhaps even took a page from the predator playbook.
(ok i lied, i'm done now)
TreVeyon My Wayward Son vs Jed York and the Criminal Tools
Yo, where the fuck were all these sub-100 outputs for ME?? The fuck I gotta go against [borat voice] my wife and get my face kicked in when I could have won against a few of these other assholes??
Yeah that's right, I'm going to kick the loser when they're down because at this point, it's all I fucking have.
Yadda yadda yadda, fucking Jed York and the Criminal Tools god damn rolled this week by throwing up four fucking players with 20+ which would have sealed the god damn win all by themselves - but for good measure, he decided to absolutely curb stomp the not-so-favorite son with decent showings from RJ Harvey, Brock "white" Bowers , and the Vikies D/ST (Brock, you were Purdy bad).
TreVeyon My Wayward Son Maye have some problems outside of Drake and CeeDeez Nuts. Tune in next week to see how bad it can get!
European Crapitals vs. Two hotdogs one jar
This motherfucker simply can. not. catch. a. break.
If he bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. He would be stuck with a fork in a soup storm. He gets a paper cut from reading a book on a kindle. He could fall into a barrel of armpits and come out sucking his own thumb.
The absolute audacity of them trying day after day, week after week to earn that first win is awe-inspiring.
...so which team am I talking about? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS! That's why I'm dubbing this matchup:
Of course a matchup of the two winless teams would come down to less than a 2 point margin of victory where the winning team almost completely fucking lost it because their defense scored negative points. I love it, it's fucking beautiful.
The Lying Media vs. Chuba Chaser
In what truly is the annual beating-the-fuck-out-of-her-husband's-fantasy-football-team, Chuba Chaser is now 3-1 historically against her absolute fucking dumbass of a partner in life, with the only loss coming in a year when both went 4-10 and I took home the honor of being in last fucking place.git pu
But hey, I guess I'm happy because at least one member of this household is kicking some fuckin ass in this league - but I will refuse to ever stop reminding her that I need to push her to re-up every god damn season.
OK, that's enough jinxing for the time being. In reality, I'm her biggest advocate because a win for her is a win for House Bolton.
Back to the actual matchup: fuck you Tractorcito, you god damn dumbass bitch. The fuck is this 5.9 points against a division rival horseshittery that you're trying to pull?? Also an even larger to god damn Xavier "is not" Worthy while he shatted down his leg to score a measely 4.1 points. It's like everyone god damn decided to have a down week.
Jahmyr Gibbs finally scored fewer than 35 points and this was my fucking chance to go over .500 for the first time since what, week 1? Stupid fucking shit.
Outstanding GET by the wife for grabbing Omar Cooper Jr. though. So happy for you.
Fin.
It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness. That islifefantasy football.
Rest in Peace to a real one.
Happy Halloween Week my fellow fantasy fuckers! I hope everyone had a wonderful week 7 and get yo' asses greased up and prepared for a spicy week 8 this weekend. And perhaps in the meantime, enjoy a spooktacular Halloween weekend!
It's kinda wild how much that holiday has transitioned for folks like myself (and most likely, exactly like yourselves). Gone are the days of scouring a neighborhood with no parents tagging along, searching for the legendary households that carry full size bars. Gone are the days when the evening would be a fun time to sneak the fuck out under the guise of trick or treating and ultimately getting high from smoking out of a plastic bottle pipe (or apple, or whatever mcguyver-esque creation you would have). Gone are the days of putting in as little energy and creativity as possible to pass as a costumed character in order to get into whatever cheap-booze-filled party is going on.
Gone are the days of forgetting to get any candy so you struggle to stumble around the household because you have to keep the lights out in order for no kids to show up, get disappointed, and then absolutely batter the side of the house with eggs.
Hello to the days of having our own little munchkin to take out and have her gather candy that ultimately, we will eat; Drinking beers while walking her around the neighborhood.
Take care my dudes, hope everyone has a wonderful final October weekend. Stay safe out there, stay warm, stay costumed (if that's your thing), and see you all next week!
