As seen at the Kennedy Center!
Welcome back, ladies and germs. It's 2026, and the time is nigh for a new fuckin season of Fantastical Football!
Hopefully everyone has done their proper preparatory work and prayed to whatever deity or substation they needed to prior to the draft because y'all are fucked once I truly hit my stride this season.
How could that be possible? How am I so confident? Well, first off I have the ol' baby power bump from Madeline being born in March. Sure, that was like 3 or 4 (or 5) months ago so while the power may be diluted by that asshole Father time, it's still going to be a karmic force to be reckoned with. She's still barely more than a sentient doorstop who spends most of her time smiling and then her off time pooping, I've doubled my dad strength - which I'm like, 99% sure translates directly into online fantasy football.
And I'm not done: Not only have I gained a new daughter, my grandmother and dad both died this year!
Now, if you think that was a powerfully awkward statement, then you better buckle the fuck in for a wild ride of fantasy columns.
On a more serious note, my dad lived a wild life and I'm truly happy that he's finally at peace. Strokes are fuckin brutal, and so is vascular dementia - take care of yourselves folks, I want to know all of you for as long as possible.
Here, scope out his obit (I wrote like 85% of it and Lulu helped edit it for me), it's quite a ride and frankly undersells what he accomplished: GRE
The 2026 season has begun
Have to admit, I ain't going to have much shit to drop about week one. I was so excited for the return of the NFL season, I made sure to catch the first game - which was an all-time bazooka blast to the fuckin balls - and then watch a combined 25 minutes of the rest of the games because of a planned trip to Chicago!
I've only ever visited the Windy City like 33 years ago when the family drove through and got stuck in traffic.
This was the very first time I had actually set foot on the ground, and I have to say the city is pretty fucking awesome. The weather was fantastic. The food was incredible - I had my first pizza pot pie, and that shit was delicious. The River Walk is one of the coolest god damn things out there. There's a vibrant local brew scene with the haziest of IPAs (where I'm from we call them New England IPAs). It's frankly tough to find any issues.
Which is why we decided to bring some with us: our children.
Don't get me wrong. I love those two little monsters more than anything on this Earth but holy shit - we bit off waaaay more than we could chew. The toddler brought a wild stowaway we didn't expect: sickness. So as the trip went on, she slowly infected us through her generosity .. and inability to just cover her mouth when coughing.
Dinner plans at a remotely nice restaurant? Those used to not be that bad as long as we had a couple activities and food for the kids. NOT ANYMORE. The food I made, froze, and brought with us is worthless compared to the wonderful table bread available.
At least all the research and money spent looking for toys and activities to keep them busy were tossed by the wayside in favor of a stack of napkins to wipe up water I would flick all over the table. Admittedly, that was actually a positive thing even if it was the result of more luck than brains.
Anyway, enough about the whee ones. I have plenty opportunity to bring up those monsters this season.
SO. WEEK ONE. I'm definitely not going to go over each individual game, but I do have some strong opinions about some of these stupid fucking matchups. Most significantly is the god damn fucking Patriots throwing away a game they should have won over Drew fucking Lock. And then god damn Maye just THROWS AWAY THE GAME??? What the fuck was that dick-in-ass-shit-bag throw??
Whatever. Fuck this. Let's just get to the recapss
Recappin time
Time to do what I do best.
Olave it Hurts [W]
Two hotdogs one bun [L]
This shit was not nearly as close as the final score would imply. Olave it Hurts topped 100 fucking points before Two hotdogs one bun I think even hit 10, which is fucking wild.
100 fucking points from the top three fuckin players:
- 39+ from Josh Allen
- 33+ from Jahmyr Gibbs
- 32+ from D'Andre Swift
And then 21+ from Nico Collins for good measure.
The rest of that fuckin roster didn't have to do shit (and it didn't) to secure that win. With an emphasis on Kyle Pitts Sr. Poor Rachel was asking why he didn't seem to be doing anything, so it was time to teach her about the Pitts Postulate: his existence in Fantasy Football is to build hope, and then disappoint in the most depressing way possible.
I want to say something about Two hotdogs one bun, but I can't really comment about his roster. It was essentially an average sized Dak and a monster in Ashton, surrounded by late middle-aged disappointment.
But I will admit that he is a very handsome, very funny, has the best stories, and really is an all-around great human being. So please, don't change anything about your approach before next week.
Slava I Crain [W]
TreVeyon My Wayward Son [L]
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, DRAKE? HUH? FUCK MAN, YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST PUT UP YOUR PROJECTED AMOUNT IF YOU DIDN'T JUST GIVE AWAY THOSE THREE INTERCEPTIONS YOU GOD DAMN JAMOKE.
But I'm not mad. I mean, it's not my team - it's on TreVeyon My Wayward Son. At least he has some other big guns like Rootin' Tootin Bhayshul Tuten as an .. well. Actually I have no fucking clue if he's capable of anything.
And then there's the second D/ST taken in the draft: The Rams. That defense was supposed to be top-fucking-tier, but now it just seems like they've been lost into the mysterious ripple of space-time within the International Date line.
On the bright side, Drake Maye is definitely going to score 40 points a week for the rest of the season.
Great win by Slava I Crain. Balanced attack up and down the fuckin roster, his only weakness was placing any amount of trust in Donkey Kong Metcalf, who I honestly completely forgot he was on the fuckin Steelers. I want to focus a little more but there's nothing about it that sticks out and/or pisses me off. Plus I'm only giving each matchup 5-7 minutes of total time, and I used up most of that time making terrible jokes about TreVeyon My Wayward Son.
Oh wait. Hah, what the fuck Josh Jacobs is on the bench? Gahd damn. That's some wild forward thinking. I guess it's true, if Jeffrey Dahmer could run a 4.2 40-yard dash, people would say he had an eating disorder.
El Gring BRO Luchador [L]
My Guys [W]
What the holy fuck, My Guys. 30+ points from four fucking players? You outscored the second highest scorer by 37 points? But it wasn't perfect. George Kittle only scoring 3.2 points?
You only managed 13+ from Run CMC? BAH.
Shit, I still can't believe you were rooting for the Seahawks D/ST to do well.
I dunno, man. You're our Glorious Commissioner, but I dunno. As the kids say, this 187 points is a little sus.
Now. El Gring BRO Luchador (holy shit I ain't typing that whole thing every single fuckin time), 112 points isn't terrible. It's not great, but it's not terrible.
Well. It's kinda terrible. And I mean terrible in that you were most likely rooting for Defensive Player of the Year Jaxon Smith-Nijigba while that fucking asshole Pacific Northwester absolutely tore my heart out of my asshole against the Patriots last Wednesday. Who do you think you are, trying to be the voice of reason on the text group? BURN THIS PATRIOTS FRANCHISE TO THE GROUND.
AJ "Boxy" Brown [L]
darnold's pizza kitchen [W]
The Civil War. The Battle of the Brothers. The Serino Separatists. This legendary matchup goes by many names. And one day, I might actually go back through the boxscores and figure out the lifetime record. But that's for a different day when I truly give significant more shits than I do today.
It was a hard fought win for darnold's pizza kitchen over the very neat-o named AJ "Boxy" Brown, led by ... A BEARS QB?? What the fuck? Is that even legal?
Just as important as scoring as many points as possible to snag a win, sometimes a mistake by your opponent is the clearest path to personal victory: if only AJ "Boxy" Brown had started Dallas Gogurt over a Browns player, the elder would instead be the victor.
I feel like this should serve as an important lesson for anyone who happens to still be reading this fucking thing for some reason: avoid the Browns. Just get the fuck away. The last player that team had who was worth anything was Nick Chubb, and he ended up with an absolutely brutal season ending injury. I would know, because he was on my team as a huge contributor.
Anyone else that team fields is absolute horseshit and will only decimate your soul in a way that only the Browns can do to their own fans and anyone else who for some inexplicable reason, hold out hope for anything positive from that factory of sadness.
What a bunch of suckers. Truly the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked.
European Capitals [L]
Great Google Moogly [W]
I feel like for more legitimacy, you need to pick up some more players that meet your fancy theme, European Capitals. Aren't there any players with the last name Paris, Brussels, or Ljubljana?
Actually, you have significantly more important things to worry about because you just lost to what appears to be a team consisting of the living dead.
Great Googly Moogly has:
Three fuckin players on IR. De'Zhaun Stribling who is out for the next 4 weeks or some shit. Zach Charbonnet who we knew at the draft wasn't coming back until mid september. TreVeyon Henderson who is both out, and kind of a fuckin fundamentalist dipshit. And then soon to be sneaking into the injury slot: Zay Flowers who is ahead of schedule when it comes to in-season injury.
Sure, you have an outstanding nostalgia-filled reference with the team name, however the team itself may not survive the winter.
So European Capitals, depending on what kind of living dead we're talking about - nosferatu types, ghouls, mummies, liches, revenants, or zombies - you may have to check some of your players for bite marks and release them immediately.
Jed York [Fuck off]
Lying Media [you can figure it out yourself]
Yo.
What the fuck, man. What the ever-loving fuck, man. Why does this season have to start out like this? I know I'm not going to hit 4 wins in total, and sure, I didn't need a week 1 win, but to lose like that is such a kick in the fucking dick. I was so god damn excited for this season and you left me at the end of week 1 feeling like the only person who could possibly be sad eating an ice cream cone.
First, Kyler gets knocked the FUCK out after scrounging up literal change from between the mattress cushions.
And then second, the Browns defense scores -1.0 points which literally lost me the matchup. I could have simply gone without a fucking defense and won.
Or maybe if Pickens wasn't just a piece of shit and could muster up one more fucking catch. ANYTHING.
...but I digress. I should be more graceful in defeat.
But I won't be. Fuck this stupid god damn league. Fuck the Browns. Fuck Luther Burden II for having Luther Burden III. Fuck the Chargers
Fin
Welp. Of all the columns I've written, that was certainly one of them. Just remember, this it's week one for shitposters like myself as well.
I'm just happy I was able to sneak in enough time to get this shit out by the end of the week - maybe just pretend week 2 hasn't already started (I'll let you know when you can stop pretending).
So have a solid end of the middle of September, everyone. I know I say this every year around this time, but this is just the fucking best time of the year. Take care of yourselves, be smart, stay healthy, and eat a couple [dozen] apple cider donuts thinking of me.
See you assholes next week.
Try to take it easy until then.
(You can stop pretending now)