Getting totally cereal

OK.

So.

Just a little heads up:

I'm a fucking cheapskate piece of shit when it comes to these columns. I ain't fuckin payin for anything more than I god damn need when it comes to this fantasy football hobby of mine. Not at all because I hate fucking doing it (these columns are the highlight of my week), or hate the idea of it (what the fuck does that even mean), but because for a decade+ I've been able to do this sort of fucking thing to some fucking capacity (a significant majority done on Heroku) without worrying about taking up too much space.

I mean, it's fucking text. That's fucking it. I use imgur.com for images and small videos, I use gfycat for larger videos, and give up if I need anything better.

So what's your damn problem now, Joe?

Heroku and their fucking bitch-ass selves got bought by salesforce, revamped their "add-on marketplace" and now the dipshit service I use for a Database, JawsDB does this neat little trick where they fucking OBLITERATE YOUR INSERT PERMISSIONS IF YOU EXCEED THEIR FREE-TIER SPACE LIMITS.

Not a big deal, I've had to deal with space limits with all my hobbies - but guess what, they don't fucking tell you. They just tell you that you can't INSERT with the only fucking user I've ever god damn performed INSERT actions with.

The fuck?

Eventually I discovered this piece of shit answer: https://stackoverflow.com/a/42548373/355627

Fuckin asshole.

TL;DR:

We fuck up your permissions if you run out of space with this really neat SQL query! Oh, you want to fix it? Just delete some shit or pay us more, fuckface.

But wait, you got your solution

Shockingly: THAT ANSWER WAS FUCKING USELESS. I had already deleted everything I could have possibly deleted. Instead, I had to grab my trust sql client and connect to my Database.

Then I had to figure out which deadbeat tables were taking the most fucking space.

And that's when I discovered the god damn table that holds versions of columns, and it was taking up more space than all other tables combined.

FUCKING GOLD I FUCKING DID IT JUST DELETE THE DATA LIKE THE ASSFUCKFACE SUGGESTED!

But wait: mysql database tables don't actually recompute their data length (their size) after each action! Especially after a TRUNCATE or DELETE. I'M STILL OVER THE FUCKING DATA LIMIT.

Thankfully there are queries that I can run in order to recompute my table size! Thank you google results! Looks like I can perform, OPTIMIZE TABLE <tableName> and then ANALYZE TABLE <tableName>?!

...

oh.

Oh no.

OH NO.

This statement requires SELECT and INSERT privileges for the table.
Documentation

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

What the fuck? I can't fucking actually recompute column sizes to regain permission to use INSERT without ... using INSERT???

You leave me with no other options,,

I'm just going to absolutely blow this fucking table away. Fuck you assholes. I'm done with the surgical approach.

Let's fuckin sandblast some saltines....

Did we win?

So unfortunately, I had no easily-accessible "Making mountains out of molehills" memery so I'll rely on your imaginations.

Back to our story: Database table was dropped (table, not db thank god) successfully .. and after querying the db tables to examine which ones are taking up the most space .. the versions table wasn't there anymore!

I did it!! I FUCKING DID IT. FUCK YEAH.

Time to login and get this fucking column done.

Hmm. Weird. Wrong password? Whatever.

No wait.

Wait.

WHY THE FUCK WON'T MY PASSWORD WORK? WHY THE FUCK IS MY PASSWORD DIFFERE-.

NO. LOCKED OUT OF MY ACCOUNT??

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OK.

So I says to myself I says,

"self .. you're already in the DB. Just unlock yourself." If only my confidence was as high as the number of times 'self' showed up in that previous sentence.

Oh. The status is fine. What the fuck? Oh, there is no json file with locked-out configuration settings where I can disable it. What the fuck?

Did I seriously just fucking fix this fucking problem only to be hoisted by my own petard?

Let's just take a quick second and regroup.

LET ME THE HELL IN

After a nice big bowl of soup, I mercifully found myself a decent answer: I'll have to directly change my own password. For any of you following at home, here's a sweet solution.

So bam, new password is saved. I make an additional query to supposedly "fix" my error status state and try again!

Still locked out.

Hmm. I feel like I've made all the changes I need to - so perhaps there is some local file that I need to modify in some way in order for this all to work again. Sadly, modifying individual files in heroku instances is something I haven't really done in a looooong time and the local copy of my app doesn't have any fuckin files that the internet says it should in regards to this issue.

How do I god damn at least undo changes to those local files?

Thankfully, I have an ace up my sleeve

Fuck yeah. Just clear anything fucking out that wasn't there when I initially created the god damn app.

Let's try logging in aaaaaand ..

.......

I've done it.

I FUCKING DID IT.

AND ALL YOU ASSHOLES HAD TO READ ME BITCH AND FUCKING MOAN ABOUT IT BEFORE GETTING TO THE ACTUAL WEEK 7 RECAPS.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming

What a horse-shit of a Sunday of (week 7) National Football League NFL League Games.

Like. It was so fucking terrible I can't believe it. We had six fuckin teams on bye. And then we had maybe one close matchup.

Really the only real exciting thing was ahhhh .. the Bengals? Really?

This stupid fucking 17-game schedule. That's really who we should all be upset at. Instead of just stretching the season out to 18 weeks and giving teams two byes, we get one more brutally violent game that's totally going to be reserved for international play.

And if Goodell gets his wish, I wouldn't doubt that every team will end up playing an international game every freakin' season. Of course, I have literally zero evidence of this, but I have something much more important: a website where I can publish content that intelligent, savvy, financially secure, sexy individuals like yourselves can come and read.

Best of all, if anyone wants to give me an anonymous tip that's entirely fabricated, I have no problem relaying it back to the public because everyone has a right to know. Even if it's completely and utterly fiction.

I mean, people love fiction, right?

So let's fucking do it!

Let's pre-reserve tickets to the Patriots/Texans game in Warsaw that's coming in 2031! I think if people just transfer me .. ohhh, let's say .. $1,000 I'll guarantee you a ticket to the eventual European NFL game in Poland.

Manning Night Football

AHHHHH YOU FUCKER ELI

YOU GOD DAMN CHEEKY MOTHER FUCKER.

Oh wait, there's more

Did Peyton Fucking Manning admit to god damn manipulating footballs on Manning Night Football?? The internet has seemingly been scrubbed.

I NEED THIS.

Feedin' tiem

What's cookin' for Joe for week 7?

That's right, some fuckin' lamb chops. Lamb lollypops? Whatever. They're fucking delicious.

https://www.justtherecipe.com/?url=https://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/rosemary_crusted_lamb_chops/

I ain't got much to add other than it's fuckin wonderful. And that I've gone down to 2mins30seconds on the first face and then 2mins15seconds on the second face, then maybe 2 total minutes searing the sides - then only 3 minutes in the oven.

Shit's rarer than a unicorn burger grilled on moon rocks.

Baseball

Go Barves.

Get fucked, Astros and Yankees.

THAT'S RIGHT YOU FUCKERS. YOU'RE NOTHING, ASTROS. NOTHING.

WHO THE HELL GOES 2-8 AT HOME IN THE WORLD SERIES?

SHIT, WHO EVEN LOSES WORLD SERIES GAMES THIS MILLENNIUM? GOD DAMN ASSHOLE LOSERS.

Fascinating!

TNF

Browns vs Denver

Browns only had three fully healthy starters and still whooped the Donkeys who I guess just ain't got no more winless teams to beat up on.

Sorry, not much from the Department of Memes Dept.

Early Games

KC vs. Remember the Tittans

Media: You simply can not win MVP without being a Quarterback.
Derrick Henry:

He is definitely that guy.

KC. What the fuck was that? Didn't even score a fuckin touchdown. Defense got eviscerated. Crazy. Fuckin sucks for all you Mahomes&Tyreek owners out there.

Pats vs Jets

Ahh yes, the second annual It's OK, You Can Just Watch Red Zone game of the season. It was nice when the Bills were a part of that group but you can't win 'em all I suppose.

Tough game for the Elf under center for the Jets. I think he hurt his PCL maybe? Could be out a little bit. Let's see Cam Newton get signed there.

Great shit from the Greatriots. If I'm being brutally honest: I am a fan of the Mac Jones draft pick. Yes. Some would call me a hero, but not me - I'm just here speaking words but not really because no one is listening, you're actually reading this.

Panthers vs Giants

This fucking game..

For fuck's sakes, the score was 3-5 for way too fucking long without there being some fierce Act of God® taking place on the field. It's the fucking wackiest thing that despite me watching Red Zone, I kept getting assaulted with the graphic images from that shitfest.

For shame, Red Zone. I watch you for awesome plays on offense and defense, not for any displays of shittery by the bottom of the barrel of the league.

And to be frank, with how long that score held the whole affair was ultimately ruined by the fact that it didn't end with that Baseball-esque outcome.

Late Games

WFT vs. Parkers

Holy shit. Those jerseys were straight 🔥🔥🔥

I don't care if those Packer unis were fake throwbacks, they looked really fuckin nice. Especially with the throwback Washington Football Team uniforms.

Anyway, A-A-RON really is just dad dickin' the league whenever he wants, huh?

Failcons vs. [Fuck you] Dolphin

Yo.

So like.

Is Flores good or fucking what?

Because it kinda sorta seems like the Belichick double-agent theory might finally be kickin' in for Brian down in Miami.

The final piece might be trading for DeShaun Watson because he'd:

• Ensure that Tua's self-confidence is weakened to the point of no return
• Trade away the future (it will cost at least three first-round picks)
• Have a superduper mega ultra star at QB that is suspended indefinitely
• Absolutely decimate the integrity and reputation of the Dolphins

After which point, Mr. Flores will be welcomed back to the Patriots organization with open arms.

Oh right. A game happened n shit.

Bengals vs. Ravens

Best fuckin game of the week. Sorry all you Ravens fans out there (hehe not really), but the fucking Bengals are makin a run for that AFC North crown. With the Steelers dealing with Eggs Benedict Wafflesburger and the Browns ,,, a win over the Ravens and god damn, the division - no - the fucking AFC number one seed would be controlled by Cincy.

Happier than a sale on Skyline Chili orders that come with free toilet paper.

Oooo, looks like we have a new update to an old classic:

Lions n Rams

Good fucking God, Lions. You're going to fucking kill your fans this season, aren't you? You're going 0-17 in the first fucking season of its existence, aren't you??

Eagles n Raiders

Carr was fuckin wild this game: 31/34 for 322 yards. 2 tiddees. Pretty great.

Tejans vs. Cardiñals

Read some bits about how much it can suck to be a player that's part of some package for a big-name player. How everyone expects you to fucking perform to feel better about losing such a beloved player.

So with this matchup of DeAnfernee Hodgkins playing against his old team, David Johnson is feeling more pressure than a Houston-area masseuse.

Brrs vs. Bccs

Welp.

It's the week of the Monkey Paw

Fuckin hell man. God fuckin damn hell man. What a fucking blowout. Poor Justin Fields is just getting slapped up and down the fucking field.

It’s easy to blame Nagy and even Pace, but ultimately the buck stops with ownership. Aaron Rodgers needs to clean house and bring in people who know how to win.

Lolts vs. 69ers (hehe)

Yeah. I'm gonna watch Succession instead.. and then completely forget that the game was on. I guess it was pretty good? Whoops.

Do I care? FUCK NO.

Saints @ Seahawks

HOT DAMN.

This came across as a close game, one filled with some action ... but yeah, I think if you had missed this game entirely, all you had to do was look at one stat comparison to understand:

Saints WRs: 4-43-0
Kamara: 10-128-1

Oh. And Geno Smith started a Prime time game.

Recapulations

W - 155.44 (4-3) Corpus Callosum

L - 96.46 (5-2) McCorkle Ascendant

Corpus is back on the winning shnide after McCorkle Ascendant get's totally fucked over by Byre Fest 2021 ..

no wait

You fucking also were hosed by the bye-week and still scored 150+ points??

Maaaan. You're absolutely not getting a photoshop this week. The nerve.

It's all right, McCorkle Ascendant, you and your fuckin crazy reference can take it easy and take pride in the fact that you have Chubb Hubbard on the roster. A name that strikes .. fear? Humor. Curiosity. Hunger. All these things and more into the hearts and minds of opponents.

PS. Holy fucking shit. I just noticed the Corpus Callosum team logo - that's some fucking good shit right there.

L - 116.12 (3-4) 2Girl CooperKupp

W - 124.62 (4-3) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

Two teams enter. One team leaves a winner. The other, a loser. And no one ever fucking ties. So sayeth this paragraph.

More Byre Fest 2021 decimation, combined with god damn goose eggs up and down 2Girls CooperKupp's bench. Can't even imagine the type of shit one can do with a goose egg.

Oh. So Team DJ BOMB SQUAD is the one with Ja'Marr Chase. Sheeeeeit. I hope I already played that fucker.

L - 91.34 (2-5) Window Lickers 💩

W - 121.84 (4-3) Golder 🏈 Team

I don't want to say I know everyhting about fantasy football, because I don't. But what I do know is dangerous and uninformed. And I think it was a good move in making the change at team name.

Not sure whether I should have introduced it in this column or what given that the other team experienced the loss .. so I'm just gonna do this and possibly fuck with the Fantasy Karma Gods. What could go wrong anyway?

I mean, come on.

W - 142.74 (3-4) Ethel St False Start

L - 136.06 (1-6) electric avenue shit sandwiches

Well shit.

This is fuckin incredible.

It's really only something I can express through a couple bird logos that had their eyebrows removed,

W - 157.34 (5-2) Might Scarecrowns

L - 139.40 (4-3) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

Maaaaaan. That's some shit. I really wanted to win this fuckin' week, too. But sometimes it just ain't it. And boy do I feel fucked up by the fact that I actually spent money trying to grab The Darnold. Aren't I just a stupid fucking idiot.

Guess there's not much I can really do when Mike Evans just goes fucking off.

Congrats to the winner,

Fin.

Solid week everybody. I love the hustle out there. Make sure you all have a great Halloween - and if any kids are relevant to the situation, hope they're set with whatever outfit, and you have the necessary wagon & cooler & beers for walkin brews while the kids have a great time.

And if you ain't doing any of that shit, you still better have a great weekend ya miserable fuck.

For anyone that actually read this absolute behemoth of a column (2800+ words this week, gaht damn) I hope you enjoyed it. From my asshole to your eyes, all that time spent troubleshooting was worth it for the bernie photoshop inspiration and some extra salt-infused content.

Again, have a wonderful .. rest of your weekend (fuck you rain, we coulda see Aurora Borealis at this time of year)!

Happy Halloween!