We are entering crunchy-snow footstep season

What a Performance

I forget if I've mentioned this shit before, but my favorite Internet trend of last '21 is easily the Herman Cain Award.

For those out of the know, it's basically awarded to people who post shit like this,

And then most importantly: you fuckin die of Covid.

Personally, I find 99% of the posts pretty fuckin sad because it's all pretty fuckin preventable.

But this dude brought out some absolutely beautiful schadenfreude from me. Perhaps it shall wet your whistles as well.

Anyway, shut up and type, Joe...

Gaemses

Steelers vs. Vikes

Didn't catch any of this shit, but holy fuckin hell the skill players in this game went off for both teams. I'm sure like myself, a slew of you play in multiple fantasy leagues. And the next assumption I'll be making is that you also diversify amongst your various rosters.

With all of that, I'm going to state that we all either had a fuckin rad time going into the weekend due to a great showing on Thursday, or you just couldn't stop the anxiety over the massive deficit you're facing.

... What a stupid point to make.

Anyway, the only thing stupider is Chase Claypool celebrating his first down against the Vikings.

Although there appears to be video from another angle that may exonerate Chase to an extent,

Yes. His dumbass celebration cost some time, but god damn Eric Kendricks mucks up the whole process by slapping the ball out of his hands.

Fucking outstanding move by the grizzled veteran.

Cowboys vs. Football Team

This is one of those rare wins where fans of the winning team feel worse about their team moving forward.

Really, the only context I have for this game was that it fucking dominated the NFL Red Zone Channel to start. Seemed like every other cut-away went to the fucking Cowboys.

But apparently, their offense sucked some dick and got bailed out by their defense. Not really sure what the fuck that means, but I guess there is a D in Dallas.

Jags vs. Titans

Before I get on with this matchup recap, I just want to mention our new column sponsors:

OK. With the presenting sponsor out of the way - and I want any of you Jaguars fans out there to take advantage of the offer - we need to get to this game. A classic AFC South battle between two teams who fucking hate the piss out of each other.

Ever since the Jaguars came into the league in ... ohhhh, let's say 1995, them and the Titans have done nothing but fuck each other's worlds up.

First there's ..

And then uhh,,,

OK. Well. I feel like there is definitely a lot of history (despite the not-so-recency) but I can't recall fuckall outside of that one season where the Jags went 14-2 with their only losses to the Titans - and then they met in the playoffs. And the Titans won for a third time on their way to a Super Bowl loss.

But yeah, this game didn't really fuckin matter too much because all this section should really be is a Shit On Urban Meyer.

However, why would I want to attack a supposedly altruistic man who just wants to help the meek,,,

One of my favorite parts of this whole Jacksonville Kerfuffle would be the absolutely universal schadenfreude from so many people who saw this whooooole shitshow coming from miles and miles away.

And last but not least, what a fuckin miserable piece of shit. You can tell from the body language that he's actually the alpha loser in that entire franchise. He tried to smoke out the other losers during embarassing-as-fuck meetings but it turns out he was kind loser. Fucking loser.

..Yeah so.

Seahawks vs Texans

OK. I gotta pick up the pace here. No more essays per recap, jesus fuckin christ I don't have this kind of energy.

Seahawks plowed the fuckin Texans .. although it kind of seems like Houston came away with their new starting QB in Davis(?) Mills.

...

Raiders vs Chefs

Raiders got fuckin smoked. Like, I can't even make a Kansas City BBQ joke because of how absolutely obliterated the Raiders got. If the LV Raiders were beef, Kansas City didn't just cook them well done, they cooked them congratulations.

I want to say for 3/4 of the game, the closest the Raiders ever got to the Chiefs logo at mid-field was when they all stood on it before the game started.

Damn. I guess the Chiefs are back.

Saints vs Jets

The Saints now have a better record in gold pants than black pants since Sean Payton came to New Orleans.

The Gold Pants Truthers look forward to more of you seeing the light. (Source)

Jets are a football team.

Falcons vs Panthers

Oh shit. NFC South divisional slugfest.

And did you know that Cam Newton has lost his last 13 .. or is it 11? No wait, 13. Actually let me look it up: 11 games in a row as a starter for the Panthers. Now, this stat goes back several games over multiple seasons, all the way back to 2018.

You know, I've been having a bitch of a time trying to figure out the Falcons all season .. but if they keep beating teams they're supposed to beat and maybe hope for a surprise or four - these Atlanta Falcons could be giving their fans heartbreak a lot later in the season than previously expected!

Also .. anyone out there think Belichick is super pissed that he didn't realize how fuckin wild Cordarrelle Patterson is? I'm frankly shocked we didn't use him more at Running Back and Safety - really only ever rushed on reverses. But whatever, loved his kick returning abilities.

Ravens vs Browns

I've been told that this matchup was a great one for the backdoor cover.

And to further drive home the point that the AFC North is a completely god damn shit show. There's no fucking consistency whatsofuckingever anywhere in that god foresaken division.

Oh, and that Greg Roman eats shit.

Giants vs Chargers

Giants fuckin suck, but at least we got this fuckin hilarious tweet about Eli Manning Daniel Jones,

We need more Nancy Reagan was a fuckin BJ Queen references. I hear the woman could take a footlong with a fury that make Sandwich Artists shake in their boots. Shame that instead of embracing her inner freak and allowing us all to respect her for being genuine - you know, like Betty fuckin Ford who ended up saving countless lives through embracing recovery - we got some "just say no" fuckface who's husband tried to cleanse the USA of Gays with AIDs and inner city citizens through crack cocaine.

Still have no fuckin clue why anyone liked that pair - and I'm of Polish descent, I should love those fuckers because of their hardline stance against the USSR and Martial Law in Poland. But we all know it was more luck than brains that Rayguns' dimentia happened to spur an interest in sci-fi with his dumbass Star Wars initiative.

...wait, what the fuck. Am I talking about the NFL?

Lions vs. Donkeys

1-11-1 is fuckin sweet. Thanks Vikings for this is impossible without your help.

Also, Rest in Peace DT. Sure, I had a pet name for him in: Demaryanus, but it was always with love. Dude was a fuckin great wide receiver and is forever immortalized with the overtime touchdown against the Steelers for that playoff win I had the luxury of watching from .... Austin, I think? Perfect addition to a bachelor party from years and years and years ago:

• Gun range (no safeties in Texas for some fucking dipshit reason)
• Beers and no-tell motel swimming pools (or La Quinta if you're fuckin fancy)
• BBQ:
  - Salt Lick
  - Stubbs
  - ..uh.. that third one
  - there was that fourth one that seemed secondary but it was delicious

Anyway .. was that really that long ago? Fuck me.

But back to the game - and I love displays like this - the Denvery Broncos took a delay of game penalty with 10 players on the field in tribute, then Dan Campbell on the Lions side declined the penalty.

Dan Campbell has a lot of issues as a coach (you know .. like .. winning games), but this dude just gets it. And by that I mean he gets how to be a leader of men. Not all the great leaders have won every battle they entered, but all great leaders carry their men and women into battle confidently and assuredly.

Shit man, I bet there were Broncos players that were ready to run through a wall for the opposing coach after that gesture. Just beautiful man. I love this game.

9ers vs Bengals

It's tough to determine what to feel after this game, so perhaps all of you at home can help me out. From my initial estimations the breakdown goes,

Does spark joy:

• Vikings
• Eagles
• Saints
• Falcons
• Panthers

Does not spark joy:

• Browns
• Ravens
• Steelers
• Chargers
• Colts
• Broncos

Is this shit over yet:

• Everyone else
• peepeepoopoo (haha)

..I swear I was working towards something but I got nothing. So in lieu of that, here's a cool highlight:

oh right, blah blah blah, bosa blah blah

Bill's vs. Buccaneers

Hahahhaha. Fucking HAHHAHAHAHA.

The fuckin audacity of Bills fans to hope for anything else other than this outcome against a Quarterback that has a fucking absurd record against your team. The nerve of aforementioned fans to have hope, to have faith, to dream.

I hope they learned their fucking constantly-reinforced life lesson.

Probably the craziest fucking thing is that these Buffalo Bill's simply can not escape that Patriots ghost:

Week 13 heartbreak loss at home to Patriots who's gameplan consisted of FB Dives, Tosses, and HB Sweeps while wearing literal leatherhead helmets.

Week 14 heartbreak loss to an ex-Patriots Quarterback they have a 3-33 record against.

Week 15 is another matchup vs. an ex-Patriots Legend Quarterback.

Week 16 is against the Patriots.

Buffalo is so fucking cursed, it's fuckin hilarious.

All that said, Josh Allen is so fucking awesome. I seriously want the Bills to do well for their fans and because they have such a colossally likable Quarterback. However, I'm worried what continued losses to the Patriots might do to the kid .. perhaps we see a change of laundry at some point in his career...?

After all, he does look good in Blue and Silver,

Rodger's vs Packers

That first half was entertaining - not due to the gameplay, but from the Bears fans who knew the other shoe was due to drop at any moment.

All in all, I'm impressed that a professional NFL team could actually win despite having literally no special teams players. Incredible.

Rams vs Cards

Sounds like I missed quite a fun game! But I had other shit to keep me busy:

But yeah, I managed to scope out most of the game and completely forget it. Ultimately I turned off the game before the end, which was a huge mistake because I missed what apparently was the worst fucking end-of-the-game drive (of consequence) in modern NFL history.

Wish I had a clip of it ,, but it sounds like no one should ever be punished with viewing it.

L - 157.1 (8-6) Golder 🏈 Team

W - 161.24 (8-6) McCorkle Ascendant

What a fuckin matchup. I know I lead most every single fucking matchup that has a close (<10 point difference) score with the same phrase, but this time we have something special.

No, no seeding implications - Golder 🏈 Team had no chance of making that second seed with the BOMB SQUAD winning today.

So yeah. For the both of you playoff-bound fuckers just make sure you get your medical teams examining the injured amongst your rosters.

Or something, I don't fucking know.

Do I look like someone who knows how to fuckin manage a playoff-bound fantasy football team??

L - 64.28 (1-13) electric avenue shit sandwiches

W - 99.64 (4-10) 2Girls CooperKupp

I could smell this matchup a mile away. 2Girls CooperKupp and electric avenue shit sandwiches have an overlapping subject that I don't really want to touch with a [number] 2 foot poopy pole.

Really, there's no reason to actually look at each of the rosters. Otherwise we'll be seein players on BYE or injured scoring goose-eggs .. so instead let's discuss:

What came first?

The electric avenue shit sandwich?
OR
The 2Girls CooperKupp?

Was the CooperKupp simply the result of eating a "stale" electric avenue shit sandwich? Or did the people take the result of a frosty, chilled, 2Girls CooperKupp and slap it between two slices of bread?

Either way, I need to take a shower and then shoot myself in the fucking face after picturing this shit.

L - 145.42 (10-4) Corpus Callosum

W - 153.1 (7-7) Ethel St False Start

Well well well. If there's something that can take out the absolutely abominable Callossal .. it's a fuckin road sign

Oh, how the mighty have fallen ... this week. Doesn't fuckin matter because this jamoke has the first seed wrapped up and I'm sure he's itchin to get into the playoffs and rake in that sweet, sweet victory moolah.

I know you won't be making the playoffs, but that was an outstandingly admirable end of the season, Ethel St. Jamaica Plain is forever in your debt.

W - 145.02 (9-5) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

L - 125.22 (8-6) Mighty Scarecrows

Huh. I guess this was a pretty neato matchup to determine the second seed. Congratulations to Team DJ BOMB SQUAD for getting that one .. you lucky son of a.

Either way, you're still in the postseason Mighty Scarecrows, and you were lucky enough to get me in round 1. Please be gentle.

blah blah blah, see both of you in the playoffs

L - 136.04 (8-6) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

W - 151.02 (7-7) Fingers Crossed 🤞🏻

OH COME THE FUCK ON. I COULD HAVE HAD A BYE WEEK. WELL, NOT REALLY BECAUSE I CAN'T BREAK ANY PTS FOR TIEBREAKERS BUT ... COME THE FUCK ON.

WHATEVER. At least my season will continue deep into the playoffs.

Fin.

AYYYYYY. HERE WE GO PLAYOFFS. Good luck everyone, and by everyone I mean me. Fuck allayoos, I hope somehow everyone but me loses. Especially those with a round 1 bye.

Now that none of you need to worry whatsoever about the Playoffs, I hope everyone enjoys their extra time during the holidays. Get those presents, enjoy those spirits, stay awesome.