Say Pizza to Drugs

In College I Studied Abroad or Two

Big fan of that NFL Europe thing. I loved the Amsterdam Admirals, perfect team to play against so I could earn the maximum amount of Madden Cards as I could.

But I guess Germany has better singers or some shit,

POLITICS

NFL

Falcons @ Panthers

I liked the move better when it was called a "Slip 'n Slide" in NBA Street Vol. 2.

Seefalken @ Freibeuter

Definitely up there when it comes to United States invasions of Germany. Easily in the top 3.

GAME OF THE FUCKING YEAR: Vikes @ Bills

What an incredible demonstration of how fucking cursed these two franchises are. Both are 0-4 in Super Bowls, and were dominant during their respective eras when they made the big game.

I swear to God that at the very end of regulation when Kirk didn't end up converting on that Goalline 4th down QB sneak, the Bills were all like "oh, you think you're fucking cursed? We lost four Super Bowls in a fucking row" then proceeded to,

Run from it, dread it, destiny comes all the same. And the Bills are destined to literally kill their own fans.

But not before allowing some incredible highlights! ..From wide receivers!

Holy butt pucker.

Can't wait for the power rankings!

Lions @ Daaaaa Brrrrs

What the fuck is going on with the Lions, and as part of a larger discussion, the NFC North??

Lions were an OT away from being in second fucking place at 3-6. They have an actual winning streak. I hope their fans remembered that is cause for celebration - it's been quite a long time, so I'm sure they most likely forgot what to do.

Bears have themselves yet another incredible win. Justin Fields has like, a pack of dawgs in him, and that QB is turning the Bears into a must-see TV event the likes of which we haven't seen since Tony Kornheiser was on Monday Night Football.

To have a franchise QB like that while not really caring about the season as a whole must be a very different and weird feeling for Bears fans - and it's only going to get better if they can overcome two truly awful franchises in Houston and Vegas, and get that inside track for Wembanyama and that 2023 first overall pick.

Deshaun Watson sexually assaulted 25+ women @ Phins

What the fuck. So do the Dolphins have a consistent team now? Their offense can score points. They just picked up a deadline-beating Chubb. The fuck. I don't want to deal with a relevant Miami team. They blew it with Marino, but I doubt they'll make those same idiotic, Schula-inspired, cocaine-driven, Dolphin dipshit moves.

Let that coaching carousel keeeeeeep going.

Donkeys @ Titans

Russell Wilson. Done? Well done? Charred?

It's week 10 and he looks fucking awful.

It's great, isn't it? Just wonderful. And I can't wait for the Broncos to do the wrong thing with Hackett.

Tejans @ Gigantes

So here's my theory on the Texans:

There is no heaven or hell that is mutually exclusive to the current reality we inhabit. What that means, is that we all exist on the same plane/in the same universe as those who have passed and now are bound by Heaven and/or Hell.

Why do I say this? Because you can't convince me that Texans fans are simply the eternally damned. Being forced to watch whatever you want to call this team every weekend is easily one of the worst punishments any human would have to suffer - and it'd make total sense that the eternal punishment for sinful behavior would be to watch this absolutely horrific franchise.

Ever since their inception with PTSDavid Carr this franchise is simply a conduit for Hellfire and Brimstone.

And look at that! Hell got itself a new wide receiver in Kenny Dropallday,

Giants at 7-2 are just another awful team at the top, just like the 8-1 Vikings.

So much trash at the top of the NFL standings. Pretty incredible.

Jiggies @ Chefs

JuJu ded.

RIP

By the way, you see that Jefferson catch?

SAin'ts @ Steeeers

Baltimore has Ravens.

Atlanta has Hawks.

'Zona has them Cardinals.

And Pittsburg has,,,

Lolts @ HOLY FUCKING SHIT HOW DOES MCDANIELS HAVE A JOB?

Carsd @ Rims

Lakers 🤝 Rams

Being shit after winning a title

'Boys @ Packpackpack

I should have absolutely obliterated my pocketbook betting on the Packers when news came out about McCarthy arriving at the stadium wearing a Lombardi-esque trench coat.

Finally. McCarthy coaches the Packers to a win.

Charge. @ 9ers

I refuse to believe anyone can accurate declare Jimmy G a good or bad quarterback.

For example, Jimmy GQ is 10-2 when throwing zero touchdowns.

You better watch the fuck out. Jimmy Guapolo is comin to Mexico City next.

Commodes @ Boids

And if that wasn't enough,

RECAPS FOR THE WEEK

L - 105.1 (4-6) 2Girls CooperKupp

W - 113.5 (5-5) Teeny Tiny Coffee Bar

Quite the fuckin win by my lad at the Teeny Tiny Coffee Bar.

TuAnon looks to be back in full effect, backed by his fellow Christian. With enough points left on the bench by 2Girls CooperKupp while a player on *BYE* was on the starting roster, one has to wonder if there were some JFK Jr shenanigans at play. One can only invoke Godwin's rule so many times in one column, so let's all be extremely happy no one scored that point total that I've pointed out before.

W - 103.2 (7-3) Poopy McGee 💩

L - 84.7 (3-7) _ LACES OUT

Here we GO!

IT'S GETTING TOO SPICY FOR THE PEPPER IN THIS LEAGUE RIGHT NOW.

That's right! Two. Two. TWO. teams with seven wins right now. Some new to the fraternity, some are grizzled vets of the sum.

Sorry sorry, I'm getting distracted by larger league topics, my bad.

This was a dominant victory by the Poopies. Absolutely tub thumping. Further aided by a CE-H goose egg. No idea what happened there, but god damn that sucks shit. I guess if there's something to feel better about, it's that no combination of bench players would have resulted in a win in case you managed to somehow want to bench Clyde.

Josh Allen.
Derrick Henry.
Stefon Diggs.
Jaylen Waddle.
DeAndre Hopkins.

These are players in the NFL.

If you were asked to think of NFL players, these might be some of the players you would have thought of if asked to think of NFL players.

Such is the journey.

..I dunno, I guess this joke isn't going to land. And in lieu of actually coming up with something funny adjacent, I'm just posting some random funny image,

L - 129.0 (4-6) The Njoku's on You

W - 133.44 (3-7) Second Half Sleeper?

OK. This is kinda gettin a little fucking wild here. Thanks to some incredible performances by some fucking Fantastical Football deity, this motherfucker is rising from the dead like some sort of city in Arizona.

• Patrick Mahomes is just Guaranteed Greatness™
• Jonathan Taylor "Thomas" is finally fuckin back
• Justin Jefferson is self-explanatory

All fuckin great, and helped eke out a close one after leaving close to 30 more points on the bench across players he probably should have started.

This fucker.

Njoku's on You had his own outstanding performances, but fell short due to .. [reads notes]

THE SAME FUCKING THING??

Christ, man. Allgeier? Man.

Sorry duder.

L - 109.2 (6-4) Ethel St False Start

W - 130.78 (8-2) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

God damn it. Would you calm the fuck down with your winning? Christ jesus titties.

Gaht dam. Ethel St False Start was crazy top-heavy. Like a 90s Playboy model. Barkley, Hurts, Cooks is a great three-headed monster, but unfortunately the entire rest of the body is the size of a chihuahua - so it's comically undersized! FUNNY

Looks like we got another case of a benched win. A couple of changes here and there, ipso facto: 33.7 points lost.

Sorry to rub it in. I guess I should have put a warning there for any losing teams. Definitely didn't mean anything by it, just fascinating how god damn fucking frustrating it can be, and it's all completely fucking random.

This stupid fucking hobby.

L - 81.88 (7-3) S3xy Randal Pharoah Wizards

W - 142.44 (3-7) Shelbyville Shelbyillian

OOOOOOOOOH SHIT.

LOOK WHO PULLED OFF THE CRAAAAZY UPSET. Yeah. Sure. The *BYE* week may have had somethign to do with it, but fuck off with that shit. I GOT A DUB MOTHERFUCKER.

AND IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE IF I COULD JUST START THE RIGHT PLAYERS GOD DAMN IT.

Yeah so, Kamara is a fuckin bitch isn't he? Sure he had that insane 42.8 point performance to cap off a slew of double digit, high-teens to low twenties outputs, but fuck if this dude isn't enragingly inconsistent. The fuck is going on in Nawlins?

I guess Cordarrelle just don't have it some days? I don't know.

Whatever. I WON MOTHERFUCKERS.

Fin.

All right, the column seemed a little light but I was gone all weekend celebrating the wife's birthday (I think we literally made a three-day weekend trip that revolved around a fucking recreation path .. so lots of walkin' and drinkin', and smokin'). I think the content is efficient and doesn't mince words.

..

Oh fuck. The power rankings. Whoops. Fuck.

Hmmmm. I'll maybe get some form of them out as a second post this week.

Along with some results from that timezone survey.

God damn I've dug myself into a stupid content hole.

Until then, it's the final week before Thanksgiving! Much love to all y'all on this week 12, hope to see you next week at this same time, on this same channel!