Playin' solitaire 'till dawn with a deck of 51

Thanksgiving

Yeah. I should have fuckin bitch n moaned about Thanksgiving and all its fixings in the previous column that I literally fucking published on Thanksgiving 2021.

But fuck you, this is now the official Thanksgiving 2021 Recap.

Sure, I didn't even get invited to everyone's Turkey Day celebrations, but I was sent a couple pics. I've been to a few Friendsgivings. And actually, I attended two different Turkey Dinners. So I consider myself something of an authority now.

The first one was pretty great, I got to actually catch like 60-70% of the first two NFL games while being there. Usually, there's very little NFL watching; occasionally I've been able to steal some moments with the TV on - and way back when, my grandparents would just leave their TV on the Thanksgiving Day game. It was pretty important to me since it was really the only chance I could reliably catch me some Barry fuckin Sanders.

Anyway, it was super fuckin rad to have the game right there while making small talk with Rachel's family. Occasionally I'd get asked about my opinion on something NFL related, and other times it'd be something not NFL related. The range in conversation was a sight to behold.

As far as the food went, we had some delicious turkey and stuffing, obviously mac n cheese (BOOOOO), a green bean casserole, and instead of mashed taters we had mashed cauliflower (delicious alternative). We also had a couple ringers that showed up in the form of grilled ribs and chicken. Both were fucking delicious and an absolute joy to include on the Thanksgiving plate.

To top it all off, there was the classic Thanksgiving-walk-after-dinner. Was able to catch a beautiful Kingston (MA) sunset.

Overall, the only bad thing about the whole time there was being forced to watch the god damn Bears at Lions game. What a god damn pile of shit. I'd give it five thumbs up.

The next Thanksgiving was on a different day, and it was with the parents! Mom's not contagious no more! It was quite the adventure nonetheless for I was the one tasked with carvin the turkey. I do it once a year and I think I'm getting better (I follow the Church of Cut off Each Turkey Titty as a large chunk, then I cut servings) each year.

Had three different kinds of stuffing (one baked with turkey, one that's vegan, one that has sausages but baked outside the turkey), squash, cabbage, mashed taters, and turkey of course.

Loved it all. Couldn't get enough of it. And especially it was nice to see the whole family. We're definitely a little weathered, but it's time to start enjoying this god damn holiday season.

Plus I got a dog-treat advent calendar. I'm pretty fuckin pumped.

I score this: seven thumbs up!

Mac n Cheese

Speaking of awesome Patriots players,

This Judon guy fuckin rules. I love his god damn look out there,

I'm not the only one.

But yeah anyway,

I fuckin love this guy. He makes so much fuckin sense, and I don't care if he isn't a full-blooded cheese hater like myself because I know that this cause needs as many allies as possible. If I can get Judon on board with ridding the world of mediocre Mac n Cheese, maybe Mac n Cheese as a whole can take a huge hit and stop torturing poor kids.

I remember visiting some fast casual mac n cheese fucking restaurant. You chose your noodle type, cheese, some other shit, and you'd get it made and given to you on a cast-iron skillet. Looked pretty fuckin rad and it fuckin pissed me off that I would hate the taste of anything made there.

It's a bitch to get seats and I remember there was a group of people leaving a rather large table so of course, my group started making our way to help clean up and sit down. Well, while taking care of stuff I noticed one girl who had a classic hangry stankface and nothing in front of her except two cookies in plastic. Boy did I recognize that fuckin look: she hated cheese.

Don't think I'll ever forget asking her, "don't like cheese?" And her looking up and nodding, almost like we shared a moment of understand. Her thinking optimistically that I'm about to impart some wisdom as a cheeseless sage.

So like any 27-year-old after a couple beers, I remarked "yeah it totally sucks."

It was very important to me that she understands the absolute futility of not liking cheese.

Fuck Mac n Cheese. So jealous at every single one of those sleepovers where the parents would make a tub of mac n cheese for the kids. I'd eat like,, nothing. Parents probably wondered how I could be my size despite not eating any dinner. It was really simple: I usually fuckin do and I'm fucking starving now.

That's why I always loved Neil Ozzie's family (not to brag, but the dad was that Ozzie who was CEO of Microsoft - that family was fuckin loaded). The mom would always notice if I didn't maybe like something and would go so far as to get me a fuckin McD's cheeseburger to get me fed during sleepovers. Sure, we separated ways after second grade or some shit, but it was fun while it lasted.

In conclusion,

Hooray: Neil's mom
Boo-urns: Mac n Cheese

Turkey Day Games

Bears vs. Lions

I don't know why. Maybe it's because they're such a lovable bunch of dipshit losers. Maybe it's because that franchise started the whole NFL Football on Thanksgiving tradition,

Maybe I decided to root for the Lions this game because of those incredibly fond memories of watching Barry Sanders perform; he seemingly scored 3 touchdowns and ran for 180 yards every Turkey Day, even though I realize that's just nostalgia warping my memories. Kinda. He did run for 3 tiddies one year:

I just remember it was really fun to watch him play, then John Madden would give him one of those spider-turkey legs,

Whatever the reason. I feel like a lot of America rode with me along the Detroit Lions decrepit pile of shit bandwagon. And good fucking god damn I couldn't stand it. I don't know if it was because, as a Patriots fan, I have a certain standard in what I expect from certain coaching qualities.

And I kinda sorta yelled at the TV when this shit happened,

I feel serious fucking shame and disappointment after rooting for this fucking team,

I swear to God, Thanksgiving is actually a day of mourning in Detroit.

Raiders vs. Cowboys

The coin never lies. 11 for 11. Anthony Brown is a believer.

"What the fuck is this coin talk," you ask? Well, let me learn you somethin:

another source

So yeah. At this point, I say we just praise our new coin overlords and do our best to avoid any sort of violent repercussions from subversive actions.

I think it's kind of funny how the game had 28 combined penalties, but since it was the Raiders and Cowboys, I'm not in the least bit surprised. I've always thought of the Raiders as a historically over-flagged team, and right there were the Cowboys because who teh fuck knows.

Oh wait, I found this and had a chuckle: Anthony “Leon ‘Thanksgiving Day Game Disaster’ Lett” Brown.

Bills vs. Saints

Bills won, but at what cost? They lost their White (DB) supremacy. It's fuckin rough, it reminds me of when Jason Sehorn retired and it signified a much greater downfall in white defensive back supremacy, aka the cracka-assed cracka cornerback.

And this is the play that I fondly remember from the Semen Demon. What an asshole.

Excited to see this Bills team vs the Patriots on Monday Night.

I don't see why the Patriots won't be eating a W of their own come later Monday Night

Early Sunday Games

Bucs vs. Colts

Apparently I got a lot of notes about this game - one of the bigger notes was about how it had everything in it: offense, defense, special teams, shit I swear I might have even seen a coach at some point.

It must have been super refreshing for Tampa Bay to watch the other team beat themselves for once,,,

The Colts after taking a 24-14 lead into the third quarter:

• Fumble in field goal territory
• Interception at the Bucs 5-yard line
• 3 and out
• Picked off on the hail mary
• Allowed points in three of the Bucs four 2nd half possessions
• Outscored 24-7

Can't fucking believe Wentz threw it to the sidelines like some chode. YOU HAD A FUCKING TIMEOUT. TOSS IT TO THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD YOU DICK.

Jets vs. Texans

9-8 is still on the menu.

Eagles vs. Giants

1-0 to start the Kitchens era! Looking forward to reminding Iggle fans that Justin Jefferson was picked right after Reagor.

Panthers vs. Dolphins

It would appear that the reports of the Panthers death are greatly accurate.

Tu'anon vs. Ï M ß Ä Ä Ä čk

How the fuck did this team beat the god damn Cardinals??

Titans vs. Greatriots

I hope everyone understands why we named the Bourne Bridge after this Kendrick kid. And not sure about all y'all, but this game felt closer than the score indicated ... although it wasn't? I seriously have no idea. I kept worrying about turnovers but the Titans' playcalling was as well-thought out as Project Orca.

To be frank, after expecting this Patriots rebuild to be like that throwaway, that wacky free agent fueled 2013 Red Sox season, and getting that full season of under .500 play.. It was suffering.

Pain.

So I feel rejuvenated. After our long, pain-filled absence, it's time to rise up again and reign for decades to come with McCorkle leading the way.

Or learn to use fitbits or some shit.

Whatever.

So Belichick, what's the Patriots record now?

Steelers vs. Bengals

Wafflesburger looks to be fuckin done good god.

Falcons vs. Jaguars

Cordarelle Patterson isn't just the real deal.

He's the only fucking reason to ever watch the Falcons. Shit, he might be so good he's the only reason you'd ever want to watch the Jaguars either.

Mother fucker had the Falcons' first fucking rushing play that went over 20 fucking yards this season. What a god damn pathetic fucking team. I know they have Matt Ryan, but they fuckin suck at passing the ball too.

PS. Jaguars fuckin suuuucks. Anyone out there know any good Urban jokes?

The rest of the fuckin games

Chargers vs. Broncos

What in the fuck is this Broncos team? Can anyone tell me? I hate that entire franchise with the fury of a thousand suns, so you won't be able to get an unbiased opinion from me other than they obviously must be fuckin cheating or something. They did it before with their salary cap and won a Super Bowl so of course I assume they'll want to pull some shenanigans again.

Mindless rambling aside, I read that there's actually a scenario where the Lions, Jaguars, Chargers, and Jets can all make the same playoffs.

Yeah. I don't have any evidence or maths or anything to prove it, but I find it food for thought.

It may be as empty as a rice cake, or it's as inedible as gasoline-soaked styrofoam .. but it's for thought.

Rams vs. Packers

God damn.

Green Bay really did just fuck around and sweep the entire NFC ~B~West. And fucking up a Matt Fratford-led team is a Packer tradition.

This fucking Rams roster: Built like an NBA team, soft like one too.

Felt so bad for this dude,

No need for shit like that during a Thanksgiving game. You gotta act all over-outraged when you're watching with family, or even more complicated: your girlfriend's family. Don't get me wrong, I hate any and all injuries in the NFL (I know, I'm very brave). I don't care if it's turf toe, a separated shoulder, a swollen knee, a brain bruise, whatever, they're all fucking terrible.

With that out of the way, with a lull in gameplay leading to a lull in conversation (I mean, it's tough to act jovial when there's some unusual injury), I took it upon myself to lecture everyone in that fucking room about how certain injuries come from bad form and bad mechanics, and that bad shit comes from terrible coaching.

Rachel's entire family now know about at least two coaches: Bill Belichick (obviously), and Dantera.

PS.

Vikings vs. 9ers

I wonder if Odell wishes he chose a better landing spot. The 9ers were supposedly in the running and holy shit they are in such better shape than the fucking Rams right now.

So everyone, can we take a sidebar?

Hey everyone, I just wanted to give a shout-out to NFL RedZone. Thank god damn Jesus himself for that shit. Without it, I'd have to suffer through Vilma as an announcer .. and supposedly he is fucking TRASH. So thank you, RedZone. I ride with Hansen for life.

Sidebar over.

Browns vs. Ravens

Just. Sit. Baker.
For the love of God.

This fuckin offense scored just 10 fucking points off of 4 turnovers. That's unbelievable. Actually, it's almost without precedent:

Cleveland blew a 52-0 streak* when opposing QBs throw four fucking interceptions.

*since 2015

MNF

"Who cares?"
- Mike Francesa

Super happy recap fun time

L - 117.32 (7-5) Mighty Scarecrows

W - 126.12 (6-6) Ethel St False Start

In what was the closest and thereby most meaningful matchup of week 12, Ethel St False Start fucked up the Mighty Scarecrows weekend. Without a bench to point and make excuses about, the Might Scarecrows really have nothing but regret and sadness to wallow in as they .. maybe lose ground in the playoffs?

I honestly have no fucking clue week to week, it seems like first and maybe second are mostly taken care of. But yeah, this should be able to keep Ethel St False Start's playoff hopes fuckin alive.

W - 155.0 (8-4) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

L - 107.3 (7-5) Golder 🏈 Team

Good fuckin god, what a god damn face pound of a game. And it looks like we have another 7-5 as a result. Fuckin' rad. Love it. Nothing makes me more excited about a clusterfuck of teams in the standings because frankly, it gets hard to come up with shit that's remotely interesting to type in here.

Otherwise it's lorem ipsum dolor sit amet this, and did I tell you about how much I hate cheese that.

Actually! I do have something stupid to fucking blather on about: your losing score! 107.3 dude! God damn that was the radio station I mother fucking prayed to. WAAF was the coolest shit. From Opie and Anthony and their dipshit shock-rock shit and what could be equated to your classic oh-hah-hah-it's-just-a-little-sexual-assault 90's shenanigans with WoW, to The Hillman in the Morning, uhh .. Moleman at night .. What the fuck, there was a dude that did nights who thought he was a total badass.

Anyway, back to this shit, it must be nice to have Josh Allen back to top fantasy football form for this stretch run, you fucking luckly son of a bitch little shit. Antonio Gibson and Cordarrelle Patterson tossing in 20+ each as well definitely made for a complete throttling of an other decent showing.

(ps. it wasn't that decent a showing)

L - 86.46 (6-6) McCorkle Ascendant

W - 154.92 (5-7) Flaming Poo 🔥

Oh what the fuck, another of this shit? Wow-wee. 150+ and this time it's like a 60 something point win. Wooooow. It was only a 68.46 point win, couldn't even get me 69 (nice) points, could you? Fucking hell, dude. What's the god damn point??

Let's see something better next time. Just get you fuckin Lenny guy to slap out another 44+ points, rely on Kirk .. kinda, and just hope that Josh Jacobs isn't a one-trick pony like the rest of the roster.

Just keep calm, and win by 69 (nice) points.

More memes here

W - 129.44 (9-3) Corpus Callosum

L - 102.80 (1-11) electric avenue shit sandwiches

At this point it's like watching a T-Ball stand pitch a perfect game at the special olympics.

The electric avenue shit sandwiches are a hilarious combination of futility and despair. I don't mean to pile on, and I mean no offense whatsoever but it's always intriguing to see which player on the roster ends up with a 0.0 goose-egg on the stat sheet. It's unfairly like clockwork, and frankly in most cases it's seriously God working against you with late scratches or overall no-shows for their game.

That aside, what the fuck is Corpus Callosum fuckin' doin with all this winning? All this scoring and god damn winning. He can't be fucking stopped it would seem. And if some classic electric avenue shit sandwiches couldn't stop this callosus, WHAT CAN?

That's right: nothing!

L - 72.8 (3-9) 2Girls CooperKupp

W - 102.98 (8-4) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

Oh hell fuckin yeah. YEAH.

Keep them winnin' ways a goin and keepin the heat on firs-.. Wait. I'm in 3rd?

...

Oh, what the fuck. God damn it. Really? I'm not scoring enough?? I have the ... oh shit. Fourth? I haven't even hit 1600 yet? Hmm. God damn I guess I could be doing a lot better, fuck.

Yeah well. I COULD BE DOING A LOT WORSE TOO.

Let's fuckin live it up! Everyone's celebrating!

Fin.

Hope everyone had themselves a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday and weekend. Definitely in my Mount Rushmore of Holidays, especially since it's non-denominational, it's heavily involved with NFL Football on tv, food is a huge part, and uhhh .. the dinner is supposed to be eaten earlier so you have the rest of the fuckin day to just chill the fuck out.

A dozen weeks down, only a dozen more to go.

All it may cost are a couple friendships and possibly a couple memes. Worth it.

Also: thanks everyone for the well-wishes towards me mama. I really appreciated it; meant the world to me. Much love to y'all, and hope we all enjoy this lucky week 13.

Take care everyone, stay safe and keep warm.