It's Doug Flutonian's world, and we're just living in it

Christmas Cowboys

I heard somewhere that the fucking Commanders have had eight total standalone games. What an absolute fuckin dumpster fire of a god damn schedule. Jayden gets hurt, and it surprisingly turns out that this Washington team fucking sucks.

..but not as much as being a Washington fan. Holy shit.

At least they enjoyed a solid Christmas meal afterwards,,,

Holly Jolly Vikings

Speaking of long-suffering fandoms. The fuckin Lions. Yikes.

Now, I don't think their window is completely closed, but holy shit what an absolute fall from grace after losing their offensive and defensive coordinators.

Kinda fuckin wild given that the expected result for the Lions is actually to do well compared to the olden days of them going 0-16 and being more inept than our current administration.

Have fun in week 18!

Donkey punchers

Fuck these stupid god damn Denver dipshits. Was it too much to ask for the first time I've found myself rooting for the Chefs for them to win? On Christmas?

BUT NO. Fucking Broncos had to keep their stranglehold on the god damn #1 seed and that precious, precious bye.

Congrats to your asshole fans.

Same ol' Chargers

You know.

There are some rather unfortunate fandoms out there.

You have the Browns. The Jets. The aforementioned Commanders and Lions .. Shit, even the Bengals or Titans, but I don't think any fucking fandom is a more tortured and pained group than Chargers fans. As soon as it became apparent that the Chargers may have a chance to mount a comeback, I just knew that not only would it fail, but it would fail in epic proportions.

The Chargers disappoint their fans in such incredibly painful ways, and they are a fucking good team. Historically, they've had incredible players, coaches, and overall history on their side and yet their tradition is to get fully pants - balls out - in front of a national audience routinely.

Like, sure, the Browns and the Lions both have 0-16 seasons under their belt. But the Browns have some incredible history - despite never winning a Super Bowl, they have NFL championships. And even as recently as this passed fucking week, they took out the Steelers and mother fucking Shadeur got himself a win.

The Lions, as tortured as they have been, have sniffed some great success in the postseason. Their days of fan torture are behind them until they lose Dan Campbell and Jared Goff.

The Saints were fucking embarrassing as shit, but Brees and Peyton brought them legitimacy and a Super Bowl. Shit, even this season they've brought out their own motherfougher rookie who has been lighting it up. Gone are the 'Aints and their brown-bag wearing fans.

The Titans get joked about with people "forgetting" them constantly. They've had some absolutely god-awful trash seasons as of late, but even they don't absolutely disappoint their fans in embarrassing ways over the last few decades. Shit, they were one yard short in their only Super Bowl appearance. They've had dominant seasons under their belt. They have the Music City Miracle as a highlight. They may have that snow game against the Patriots where they lost 59-0 but those embarrassments are truly few and far between.

The Commanders? Yeah, they had the Snyder years, but they have three rings, the history of Hogs, and a young stud in Jayden who needs to just get his ass healthy again.

I guess there's the Jets. While they own perhaps the single most important Super Bowl victory in history that legitimized an entire fucking league and allowed the Super Bowl spectacle to continue, it was a looooong time ago. But shit man, as much as Patriots fans like to clown on that franchise, they still fucking owned the Patriots during my lifetime. Those Tuna-Bowl games between Parcells and Carroll were always painful because the Patriots never seemed to deliver a win when they needed it.

The Jets even had those two back-to-back AFC Championship game years with Sexy Rexy.

I know, I know, Woody Johnson (aka Boner Dong) has really kinda fucked up his particular franchise quite a bit, but the Jets can still pull off an upset or come-from-behind victory from time to time. That win right after the tragic passing of their legendary center Nick Mangold was incredible, and something the Chargers would absolutely fuck up.

This is getting a little long-winded, but my point is that everyone should want to play the Chargers in an important game because they will always lose, and they will lose in the most brutal way possible.

Baldimore Shitbirds

Sooooo, this performance kinda solidifies that John Harbaugh had no fucking clue what he was doing against the Patriots. Why the fuck did he ever stop running that big boy? He was acting like this was the asshole carrying the rock against New England,

In all honesty, I think I'm actually a Druski fan

How fucking stupid could John boy be???

He really shouldn't probably be fired, but I wouldn't be surprised if he were

Now that I've shat all over the winning team, let's take a look at the team that actually fuckin lost this matchup. Green Bay fans learned that all good things, eventually come to an end - with some earlier than others.

I don't know what the fuck is going on with Green By, but I find myself laughing quite heartily at their new tradition of being 7th seed merchants. Hey, at least they got themselves yet another Cowboys cast-off,

Wonder how those cheesefucker fans are taking it,,,

Benglols

I mean, who fucking cares.

Shadussy

Hah. Fuckin shit this is funny. Yet another brutally mediocre season that nets only 9 wins by the modern Jeff Fisher,

The fucking dumbass Steelers.

As much as the Browns do not want any sort of adulation or reconition from the shitbirds, Baldimore is going to give it to them irregardless,

What a throwdown

Check out some rare all-22 footage I found of this game:

WE JAGGIN OFF

Oh man. I feel .. bad for them Colts fans .. Things started off so well and then ...

Bucco Fucco

This Jameis Mayfield guy is absolutely blowing it for the Buccaneers.

And now the absolute clown show of a division (NFC South) might end up being decided by two teams not even in playoff contention. What the ever-loving fuck is that all about??

THESE ARE THE FUCKING TEAMS THAT MIGHT DECIDE THE NFC SOUTH. WHAT THE FUCK.

The sun never sets on Greatriot Nation

Seadonkeys Fly High

All I got for this one is,

The 2025 shitboal

hahahahah bills but also, hahahaha eagles

Yadda yadda, bills ain't kings of the AFC East no more, and now thanks to Drake Maye, since re-alignment, there have only been four quarterbacks to win the AFC East. Four (but all four teams have won it at least once).

And out of all of them, Josh Allen is such a bitch when he begs for the god damn flags like it's a legitimate fucking play,

There's just something about the way people look at that god damn Josh Allen guy. Something about him I just can't quite put my finger on. It's like, let's say, we compare Josh Allen to another comparable quarterback like ohhh Jalen Hurts.

For some reason, there's just some odd difference between the two that drives the narrative so much differently.

Again, I just can't quite put my finger on it.

SPEAKING of the Eagles and their offense, I have to give my condolences,

Normally, I couldn't name an offensive coordinator outside of Josh McDaniels, but this motherfucker just won't stop suckin sweaty balls, and now I have to know this fuckface's name.

Shanahan Masterclass

What a god damn wild game that was so much fun to watch. Never seen two teams have such a hard time deciding who should win,

Classic Stafford

And if you don't like that, you don't like Falcon football.

Championship Recap

W - Doug Flutonian 🏆
tL - Shough It Dude Let's Go Bowling

Yoo.. What the fuck.

I'm absolutely shook by this result - and it wasn't even close, Doug Flontain just absolutely wrecked shit. OK, sorry, I need to reframe a little bit because I'm so taken out.

Anyway, I have to just stand in awe of what Doug Flutonian pulled off:

A 6-8 wildcard team just took out the team that was so fucking far ahead in Pts For this season that it was like he got to play an extra game - and did outstanding in it.

A good fight was fought but there were simply too many negatives,

• Jacoby Brissett only scoring 3.5 fewer points than projected should be too much of a negative .. unless your opponent had 42+ from "boy is your" Brock Purdy
• JTT with a pedestrian 17+ that was completely outshined by the immortal Rhamondre Stillgotitson
• James Cook III kinda sucked
• CeeDeez "nutz" definitely kinda sucked aforementioned nutz

But enough about this Shoughing loser, let's talk about the god damn winner: Doug Flutonian

I'm proud that he broke an exclusive barrier not only because it's a remarkable achievement, but because it truly drags our Fantasy Football League into Worldwide legitimacy: The first Autodraft Champion.

Fantasy Football is a fickle hobby. It's absolutely littered with chaos, probability, chance, and some shenanigans. And like anything chaotic, the more times you run a sample, the wilder and more diverse the outcomes become (trust me, I watched that Community episode on Chaos Theory). Typically, a league will run into some weird fuckery year-to-year:

• A first overall pick gets injured and a couple scrubs taken in the 6th round end up carrying some dipshit to the championship
• A player is randomly sat during the fantasy playoffs, completely cratering some absolute wagon of a roster
• A new rule is implemented (I played in a league that allowed one defensive player to be chosen and Luke Keuchly dragged my ass to the postseason) for one season and never seen again

"But wait Joe," you rudely interrupt, "we have autodrafts every season."

That's correct you absolute fucking moron. We do have autodrafters every season, it's the nature of the Fantasy Football draft schedule,

As we age and get further and further from our scumbag days in academia (high school or college or etc...), obligations around the end of August tend to fuck up the ability to have everyone participate in a fantasy football draft. I see it in each of the 8 leagues I play in.

But to have this consistent occurrence ultimately win a fantasy football championship? That means we have crossed the threshold as a league. We all must bask in this glory for we are truly a League of Extraordinary Psychos, who just lost to some fucking jamoke who was hanging around on a god damn fucking glacier while we were all methodically trying to hand pick the best possible roster.

This god damn jabroni LOST 8 FUCKING GAMES.

Incredible stuff. I'm proud to have witnessed this.

I MEAN LOOK AT THESE FUCKING STANDINGS,

"Oh come on Joe, it's not that big of a deal," you once again vomit out of your word hole, "I'm sure Doug Flutonian picked up some player in the waiver wire that carried him to the trophy."

Yeah? You fuckin think so?

YOU STILL THINK SO?

For the first half of the god damn season, Doug Flutonian was like the only roster on this planet who was losing despite having Daniel Jones on their roster - and that includes the fucking Colts NFL franchise.

No. Credit has to be given where it is due: Doug Flutonian is simply not from this planet. The land he calls home - I assume Flutonia - where it rains Flutie Flakes and the mythology of that wicked fahken sweet hail mary against Miami rule the land. He didn't just autodraft and win, he regained his supreme power from that glacier. And then when we were all the most trusting and least suspecting, had us succumb to his siren song at that piano bar whose name I can't remember.

This season was incredible from start to finish, and one with perhaps some of the highest levels of salt since The Email season.

And I honestly couldn't have been more thrilled to share it with all y'all. Can't wait for August already - except actually I can, because that means we'll have a 2+ year old and a god damn 5-month-old at home. Speaking of chaos, we'll be knee-deep in it. And poop.

Fin.

Welp. I'm sad. I'm sad because this is the end of yet another Fantasy Football season, and while I'll be happy to have some time back to get shit done around the house or maybe lose more bullshit games in Rocket League, I won't get a chance to write about timezones, my hatred of cheese, or how the Chargers are the real-life equivalent of the Book of Job.

I hope everyone had a wonderful end of 2025, and don't worry about having some line of resolutions setup, we're still in that transitional period where you will fuck up and write 2025 on checks, or name files with 2025, or generally forget that we've entered a new year. Just do your best, and try to be a better you today than you were yesterday.

And if you can't, then just try not to fuck anything up too badly before the end of the day.

Not sure what this year has in store for us all, but I do know that it's gonna be a completely different me when we meet back up again in August/September. I'll be back on my bottle-feeding bullshit, mastering my skill as a poopsmith, perhaps tossing some talent points in early detection and stoneskin.

So take care all y'all. Hope to maybe even see one or two or eight of you in person to some capacity, and I truly wish you fuckers a happy new year. I know we've all seen quite a few, and with years like "2026" they're only going to get weirder and fuckin weirder to read.

Much love, and take care out there.