Here.

We.

Fuckin.

Oh shit, Ekeler already scored? Oh fuckin' hell I didn't even have games on ye-. Jimmy GQ just fumbled on the snap?? AHH FUCK STOP. SLOW DOWN. I HAVEN'T PROPERLY STRETCHED BEFORE WATCHING. I'M SO BEHIND.

OH FUCKIN HELL.

Thursday Game

Receiver party!

No Evans allowed.

Tom Brady is Omegakaren

So what's up with our boy Brady?

I feel like we're seeing some signs of .. some sort of transformation. A transformation that I'm frankly terrified of.

Yeah, sure, it's fun to joke around when he's being self-deprecating during the jersey number "drama" but it's more than that. There will become a point when,

is not parody anymore. And I'm worried that we won't realize it until it's simply too late.

Early Games

Vikes/Bengals

Go Bama.
#RollTide.
Fuck Cousins.

Which is why I'm rooting for Cincy.

Turns out Ja'Marr Chase can see an NFL football. 50-yard fuckin bomb for his second touchdown.

I gotta get a highlight of that somewhere.

Man. Those Bengals black stripes on a solid white uni is fucking clean. I love that shit, looks beautiful ... until you see those orange fuckin helmets like someone stuck a clown nose on a birch tree.

Titties & Cards

Outside of watching Chandler Jones (why can't we get players like that???), I don't give two shits about this matchup. I've ranted about it before but I fucking can't stand the Arizona Cardinal home aesthetic. It's like the Pacers. It's about as exciting as peeling a carrot.

Don't fucking offend me, my sensibilities, and my very personal concept of not gouging my own eyes out with sporks by broadcasting Cardinal home games. Fuck you.

..see you again next week for this same complaint!

Houston n Jagoffs

That first drive looked pretty great. Converted on three third downs and scored a touchy.

Or maybe it's just that the Jags are complete, and utter, trash. They are fucking terrible. TLaw tosses a cross-body pick like some dipshit.

I'll still give credit where it's due, they seem to have a decent starter in Tyrod.

Bills/Steeeers

Not featured whatsoever on redzone since there's been nothing but a measely field goal in the first quarter. And the first gameplay I ended up seeing was Cove[id] Beasley dropping a wide open pass like some fucking loser.

Speaking of fuckin losers. God damn it, Steelers. How the fuck did Wafflesburger pull that win out of his second-half hat??

See?? That shit is a miracle!

Ben has no right winning a game like that one.

Seahawks/Colts

I feel like I had something to say about this game. Maybe that I'm happy Wilson got a passing tiddy. Or maybe this stupid Fox 4K camera thing that they exclusively use in the end zone is .. boring as hell already.

Show me some actual in-game action with the 4K-downscaled-to-production-van-then-output-upscaled-then-downscaled-for-my-4:3-composite-driven-television.

Something to keep me interested.

Anyway.

Nice.

Panthers/Jets

Please don't make me comment about this one. There's nothing good about what this game wanted to be.

Well, it does provide the ability to shit on Adam Gase, but we have the freedom to do that every single other day of the year. Having to sit and watch the Darnold-led Panthers is not worth being able to do it for 365 days straight.

WFT and ... hmm

WFT Organization's "Shitting on Fans" in mid-season form.

I also would have accepted such captions as, "SHE CALLED THE SHIT, POOP"

That franchise doesn't deserve a player like McLaurin - which reminds me, I need to find a highlight of that insane sideline reception. Dude didn't stop adjusting until the fuckin ball slapped him in the hands.

Simply incredible.

Really hope we didn't just lose Fitzy for the year.

Late games

Patriots/Dolphins

Welp. I ain't fuckin document anything about nothing with this game on.

And even then, all I'm really focusing on is what a god damn gut-punch of an ending. Mac Jones lookin pretty .. great all game long. Takin hits, making throws, moving the chains. And then Damien Harris has to go and just fumble the game away.

Of course as a Patriots fan, with regards to Damien: I'm still a well-wisher, as in I don't wish any specific harm. I understand that the team as a whole loses. That sure the fumble was very obvious, but they could have converted earlier on and not needed that score to win the game.

But as someone who can't process much thought outside the incoherent and expletive-filled rants: the fuck is wrong with this kid? Wanted to show up his old Alabama teammate? Does Harris actually hate Mac Jones? I'm starting to think so. Why else sabotage what was assuredly, his first win?

For shame.

Brownses

Remember how I said I didn't pay attention to anything else?

Well.

I lied.

Just wanted to give a shout-out to all the Odell owners in the league:

What the fuck? Get you fucking ass on the god damn fucking field and play you god damn bum. I paid $18 in one league and fucking KEPT you for $44 in another! You're making me look like a god damn dipshit of an owner! And I don't need any of your help to do that myself.

...

Oh. And like. The punter totally fucked up:

.

Whatever other late afternoon game

Let me think about it...

I got nothing.

Oh wait, there was the Saints vs. Packers game!

And let's move on.

Other shite

Urban and the Failed Career

News came out about what's his face down in Jacksonville? Keith Urban? Oscar Meyer?

Anyway, apparently he's still treating grown fuckin adult millionaires like college atheletes that recycle every 3-4 years. Somewhere I'm sure "Quick" Rick Pitino is dying to provide more advice to Urban about transitioning to the pros.

☐ Still has to fire a beloved patriarch.
☐ Still has to trade away good assets in frustration.
☐ Still has to call the fanbase, "The Fellowship of the Miserable"

You have precious little time, Keith Urban "Oscar" Meyer. Weiner.

Streaming is Life

It's official: I'm old and too slow.

Can't get access when and where I need it. Feels bad man.

However, the story doesn't have to end! Come lads, take a seat and let me tell you a tale. One that includes a lost love, intrigue and lots of expletives lobbed at a poor computer.

It all started with myp2pforums and sopcasts. Third-party video clients in an attempt to stream baseball games back in the year 2009 AD. This led to forays into using Justin.tv (the pappy of Twitch.tv) and the discovery of vipsports and and watchsports.

My housemates and I would have to download the literal 1.0 version of firefox since it allowed for certain vulnerabilities in order to watch blacked out games.

Then the normalization began: streaming sites popping up like heads on a hydra. Higher and higher quality being made available. At this point, the real challenge is finding the mobile-friendly sports streaming sites.

Which brought upon the revolution and finding out about people's custom streams. Pasta. Aclee. So many others. All in full HD, on youtube, mobile and chromecast friendly, and to an extent, easy to find.

Some would treat their stream like their own personal DJ set. During commercials they'd play youtube videos or straight up hardcore pornography. During non-tv timeouts, they'd play songs or trivia. The community would get involved and all of a sudden the streamer would become a quasi-celebrity.

For a while, it was fun to be on top. Following the right twitter users. Having access to the chat and having the url ready to send to any questioning buddy.

But this year was different. The seasonal migration lost me. The usual suspects were gone and I was left alone like so many other casuals @sking mods for the discord invite link. I felt like a lone caribou in some old 1080p Planet Earth documentary you'd watch on a physical dvd.

What a sad state of affairs we have become.

..to be continued..

Norm.

Yeah. I was all ready to send this shit out in the morning then I realized:

I forgot Norm.

So I'm going to do my best to share a couple jokes/routines you've all probably seen before but fondly remember. Norm was a dude that showed up in Adam Sandler movies and that one time in Dirty Work, had an immortal quote (in my 12-year-old brain's opinion) with, "I wanted to start smoking because I thought I'd look cool, and I did!"

And eventually carved out a space as arguably the GOAT interview guest.

Then there's his run on SNL .. which I'll just link this 30+ minute video I frankly haven't watched all of quite yet,

Can't forget about Frank Stallone either - I know I completely fuckin did:

I dunno, I miss the guy as he would live-tweet golf tournaments from behind some sort of delay that doesn't actually exist.

And little did we know, that through the last 9 years this man had been battling Cancer, ultimately to a draw.

Anyway, I'll end this segment with probably the most thoughtful comments on the passing (so far):

View post on imgur.com

We'll miss you, Norm. You had the uncanny ability to walk into a room filled with the greatest comedians on Earth and still be the funniest guy there.

Recaps!

Oh shit that's right. I scrounged up a bit of time and kinda chugged through these.

Like the logo, it's something all right.

(L) 162.78 - Boro Boys

(W) 167.62 - 2Girls CooperKupp

What a ball-buster of a loss. 5 fucking points, and there absolutely was a chance that it could have been clinched by Justin Tucker with a long field goal (do our rules have it so a 50-yard FG is worth more points than a 30-yard FG? Jaime, pull that up) - but Lamar couldn't avoid shitting himself on national television this time.

And before you go all, "well I should have started this guy for the win" just remember: Jake could have easily done the same thing and grabbed himself a slew of points from his bench as well.

In all, I rate this win as,

(W) 135.98 - Ethel St False Start

(L) 119.52 - McCorkle Ascendant

What the fuck. First there was Cooper for 38 points, and now Tyreek for 37 points? The fuck kind of receiver rules do we have that these guys are absolutely monstering their output??

Hah. That cheesefucker Rodgers. Such an embarrassing showing. (Stop me if you've heard this but,) looks like him wanting that TV gig has left his QB job in Jeopardy!

This matchup gets,

(L) 134.66 - Corpus Callosum

(W) 146.66 - Golder 🏈 Team

I wish I could give you +10 points for that name. I mean, you'd still lose but at least it would have looked like more of a fight. Instead you ki-...

What the fuck. Deebo scored 31?? WHAT IS GOING ON

I got nothing else.

It was a win. That's enough.

(L) 102.56 - Might Scarecrows

(W) 105.10 - Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

You both barely topped 100 points. I love this fuckin league already.

God damn Fantasy sports is such a bitch goddess: in one matchup, someone scores 162 points and loses while that performance would defeat literally everyone else in the league.

But you only play who you can play, and that BOMB SQUAD blew away those Scarecrows.

That said,

(W) 148.32 - Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

(L) 86.30 - electric avenue shit sandwich

Oof. Started off not so great and kinda only got worse.

On the plus side, your bench absolutely killed it and scored 102.54 .. so yeah.

Well would you look at that, Thielen topped 30 as well. I love this league!

I'll grade this one,

Fin.

To the people I know and especially the ones I don't: have a wonderful week 2. Take care of yourselves, stay safe, stay healthy, and STAY OFF THE WAIVER WIRE. THAT SHIT IS MINE.

PS.

🤔 Curious.