How have I gotten worse at titles

The Remake Game

So this has little to nothing to do with the NFL - but it was something that came to me while watching some dumbass ad for the new Home Alone movie on Disney+ after catching a previous SNL with Kieran McCulkin:

Instead of just status-quo remakes, can we get like .. some movies that pay homage to the shit we ate up as kids (I mean content, not actual wet shit), but targeted to our now-adult selves?

Can we get a Home Alone where Mac is really old, broke, and actually needs to rob some house? Instead of the perspective of some kid, we get a late-30s deadbeat dipshit that we can all relate to? Like, thanks to Buzz being a belligerent anti-vaxxer, both parents passed away when he wouldn't help them get to the hospital.

Then his sister could be someone who happened to be on the observation deck of Tower 1 (he had a sister, right?).

And then any remaining sibling could just be actually Kieran.

Kevin could have nightmares about the Pigeon Lady, and it turns out the Shovel Guy next-door was schizophrenic and thought the thieves were actually crab people (taste like crab, talk like people).

Make this some super dark comedy and you'll make heaps of cash from us Millennials. We love content, especially content that's inspired by shit we used to god damn love from the before-time.

You know, the long-long ago from when we were growing up in the 90s (and some of us in the early aughts) when the World seemed so fuckin simple and easy to obtain for us Fatmericans. Then we had to live through a couple wars and a few economic recessions.

Then everything we were taught through movies, tv, comics, and pop-culture turned out to be completely fuckin wrong. We were promised pay-phones that allow me to travel beyond our virtual reality, we were promised a decent career if we started in the mail room, we were promised a god damn robot uprising.

Instead, all we fuckin got was so much of our generation just now coming to realize Rage Against the Machine is political and a Transformers franchise consisting of nothing but some LeBoof kid and Lens Flares.

So fuck you Michael Bay. Give me a 30-years-after, somehow-alcoholic Rodimus Prime talking about how he actually got Optimus Prime killed to a group of Transformerlings.

Don't give me some bullshit Transformer movies WHERE YOU DON'T EVEN GIVE OPTIMUS PRIME HIS GOD DAMN FUCKING MASK. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAD THE NERVE TO DIGITALLY ANIMATE OPTIMUS' STUPID LITTLE MONKEY MOUTH TALKING.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCKING WHY???

DJax

So. We've had some fun with dumbass athletes saying dumbass things. No one gets through it unscathed:

Tom Brady told us that you can drink water instead of using sunscreen.

Drew Brees joining the conversation several years too late, with info several years too old

We'll take the ball, and we're gonna score.

Head Coach Edition: Coach doesn't know why he did things.

Ryan Tanneyhill doesn't know dick about NFL division and conference alignment

Backup quarterback Matt Moore then quizzed him on a few teams. Tannehill had the Chiefs in the NFC East and the Giants in the NFC North. And then Moore laughed and said, "How do you not know this?"

Good fuckin lord, Tanneyhill.

"Holy shit, there are ties in football?"
McNabb (probably)

So this all brings me to, a couple years ago we had quite the fuckin statement from waaaay Left Field:

What the holy fuck is this nazi shit?

Yeah anyway, I feel like it helps keep certain things in perspective - and hopefully reminds people that these superduperstar athletes have been coddled their whole lives because they're absolute human physical specimen. Very few have ever been mentally challenged, and I'm sure many of them believe They Are Very Smart™, which only makes them make stupider statements with more confidence.

Just look at Rodgers the other day, dude sounded like such a condescending dickbag talking about his good friend, Joe Rogan.

Athletes shouldn't generally be role-models. Want to highly respect their motivation/drive? Sure. Want to model your workouts after theirs? Go for it. Want to use their highlight reels to pump yourself up before taking a dump? Crush those shits.

But just be careful with which fellers you defend because they're makin big plays on the field.

Unless you're a big anti-semite, then you might just get a podcast on Showtime. (Fuck that asshole)

So Joe, what the fuck was the point of all this shit? I'm happy that the few progressive and tolerant folks among us can unite and cheer when a dipshit like DeSean fucks up,

What is it with Jackson and the fucking red zone? Does he think it's fuckin lava? Is he being extorted to stay out of there with a ball? What a bigoted dipshit. Get injured you tub of horse dicks.

Holidays

So. We got holidays. Happy Holidays. Soon. Almost.

Next week. Humbug.

GAEMS

Ravens n Miami

Just as we all predicted, the Ravens completely dominated a shitshow of a Dolphins squad. Tua is trash, and Brissett needs to come in as the savior. It's just crazy how fucking good the Ravens and AFC North division is.

Oh wait. Thank goodness I didn't have too much written for this initially.

So I'm not going to focus on the Ravens failures, more just one singular moment:

And then the MEMERY

Anyway, before we move on I feel like most of us are asking,

Wtf is this AFC North division?

Buff n Jest

Frankly, it's not a big shocker that Buffalo would end White Supremacy .. on offense.

And that's about it. I dunno.

Buccs @ WFT

First things first:  Gronk, please fucking stop the USAA ads. Please.

I feel my brain expand ever so slightly every time one of those Gronk/USAA ads come on the tv. I feel like my head wants to absolutely explode.

Second things second:  Brady, too old?

It's fuckin' wild how bad he's looked this game. I already forgot the previous one, so I can't really speak to whether it's been a 2-game shit streak. Just know that in the last two weeks, Tom Brady has two losses while the Detroit Lions have none.

Then in that final 4th quarter, I still believed that the GOAT could muster up the will to put together a game-winning drive. But good god damn, if you're a fan of clock management, that 10+ minute drive to keep Brady off the field was fucking pornography.

What a fucking clutch catch by Terry. No flag either,

MONEYMAKER,,

Falcons vs. Cowboys

Perhaps the greatest comment made about this game was,

Can someone explain why the Cowboys were not called for taunting when they made the score 28-3? Source

Second quick thing to add before moving on: Trevon Diggs is fucking incredible. I absolutely love watching that dude play cornerback, he's so amazingly talented it's absurd. He has eight interceptions already.

Saints vs Titans

Just out of curiosity, why the fuck do people tweet dramatic shit like this without a clip? Fuck you PFT. I don't care if your PFTCommenter's dad, you're a useless piece of online shit.

Florio aside, Titans are pretty dang good. Marcus Johnson is the guy and shit. Pretty neato!

...

Oh and Vrabel mentioned some shit about them having rostered and used 82 players so far this season. To give y'all some context: the record for an NFL season is 84.

Jags vs Colts

This game was way too fucking close. But the Colts will still put up a banner this season for making the playoffs or some embarrassing thing that I'm too lazy to make a specific joke about. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Lions vs Steeeeeers

This is the most impressive shit I've ever seen by the Lions. What the holy fuck is this Detroit game? How can the team have zero wins through ten weeks and I still have no idea whether Dantera is any good as a head coach?

A fucking tie. Fucking Jared Goof. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING WITH THIS DETROIT TEAM. I tried putting this stream on one of my computers to watch and it was the most ridiculously stupid car crash I couldn't stop watching. No Wafflesburger, Goff is god damn fucking horrible, and it seemed like no one wanted to win this fucking game.

Just take the sequence of events from the overtime:

Overtime!!

• Fumble
• INT
• Punt
• Fumble
• Offensive penalty
• Fumble
• Defensive penalty
• INT
• Offsides
• Fumble

Tie game.  
(source)

Browns vs. Greatriots

These fahken Patriots ahh a serious threat right now! I fahken can't fahken beleeve how fah this Mac kehd come in what? Half a season?? Ahh we gowna have a second Tawm?? What a wicked sweet fahken spawt ta be en! Fahk alla youu fake fans, I betta nawt see any at tha Packie or along that rail trail bullshit all these outta townahs love jerkin awff on. I sweaah, once the couahts let me wwalk on them shits, imma be pointin' out awll dose brand new pats hats.

So I got no end to this joke, it was just fun to type that shit out. I imagine most of you have already read it out loud to yourself a couple times. Hope I fahken NAILED that shit.

I just feel inspired after this incredible McCorkle performance. Just like, ignore that very first drive by the Browns and it was a god damn one-sided barn burner .. so really more of a pillaging than anything.

I still can't believe Odell did this.

Yeah but anyway, great fuckin game on all sides by the Patriots.

Fucking Browns. Stop fuckin sucking and shit. Although it's rough to be missing your two absolute studs at running back, hopefully at least one of them can return next week and Cleveland can take advantage of the shit division they're in.

In regards to Troy Hill, reports are saying he has movements in his extremities. Ultimately he was diagnosed with a cervical neck sprain and released from the hospital Sunday night.

vikes n Chargers

I forget if I should give a shit about this game...

[checks notes]

Meh. Vikings didn't blow the game, actually got to see them in victory formation.

BOOOORIIING

Panthers n Cards

So happy to see Cam back on a roster and being featured for his fashion. Usually he looks a little ridiculous, but today he looks fuckin great.

I hate to toss some hate at Mandler, but this is getting kind of annoying if he's gonna be doing it every week. All he has to do is file a request with the league and they'll probably approve the shit. And if they don't, then you can complain how unfair the shit is.

Shut up, Florio. The fuck you think you know about this shit?

More importantly: Cam's back.

Fuck I love that dude. I'm so happy to see him back on the Panthers, bangin the drum, and absolutely truckin defenders.

Eagles vs Broncos

Only other thing to mention is I think the Eagles are undefeated against animal teams. So yeah!

Seahawks vs Packpackpackpack

GUESS WHO'S BACK?

And of course, congratulations to Blitz Boy!

This was the game where I think my Rodgers hate boner was born. Yeah sure, I have a bias against people who talk a lot of stupid shit with confidence .. who play for other teams*

And I guess I just learned what it's like to hopelessly watch any chance at happiness disappear like dust in the wind. Just a brutal game. Definitely not worth start Mr. Wilson this week.

*Because fuck you if you think I'll ever hate Brady despite his dumbass TB12 method shit... or hell, when he was on the team, Carl fuckin Everett:

Carl Everett doesn't believe in dinosaurs because Adam and Eve didn't see them.  

Carl Everett would consider retiring if a teammate were gay.

Carl Everett doubts Neil Armstrong landed on the moon.

Carl Everett thinks Wrigley Field should implode.

Carl Everett says it is proven that 99% of baseball fans have no idea what they're > watching.

Carl Everett once head-butted an umpire.

Carl Everett was arrested in 2011 for assault with a deadly weapon and tampering with a witness.

Ok .. nevermind, I can make an exception for Crazy Carl. Fuck that guy.

And Urbina. That shit was fuckin wild. They both can fuck off.

PS. Y'all see Pete Carrol toss his Life Alert instead of the challenge flag??

KC vs. Raiders

Rams vs. 9ers

Huh. I guess the Rams still kinda suck? Or are the 9ers good?

                                  --{[REEKAPS]}--

L - 94.04 (3-7) 2Girls CooperKupp

W - 137.44 (6-4) McCorkle Ascendant

So despite the loss, I have to say that 2Girls CooperKupp seemingly started the right players:

Dak.
CMC.
DHJR.
AJ.
DK.

But like .. what the fuck? AJ Brown is a fucking scrub. Darrel Henderson Sr. would have been more useful. DK was a god damn melted bag of shit.

And then. To top it all off. The Browns D/ST absolutely shit alllll over 2Girls CooperKupp and his chance at winning.

McCorkle. The fuck you doin with your bench? You do realize you don't get double wins if you beat out your opponent with both your starting lineup and bench lineup. This isn't 'Nam, we have rules. Steadfast, important, foundational rules.

You think you're above them? Huh? HUH?

blah blah blah

Fuck Tyreek Hill and shit. Congrats on the win.

PS. I wish they abbreviated the first name so I could read Darrel Williams as, DeAngelo Williams. Just to bring me back to a simpler time.

W - 134.84 (4-6) Toss my Salad 💩

L - 113.08 (6-4) Mighty Scarecrows

Well shit. Mr. Namechange Worldwide has fuckin' done it again. A new week. A new name. And looks like he's got himself a fahken win too!

Holy fuckin shit. Yeah. I suppose the rule of thumb is when you get 46+ points from a single god damn player, chances are that you're going to fucking win. Man.

It's a bummer, because I'm sure Mighty Scarecrows was shooting for the "if you get 57+ from two players, chances are you're going to fucking win" rule of thumb.

Oh shit, well, 1, 2, 3, 4

Looks like we had a rule of thumb war.

L - 96.1 (6-4) Golder 🏈 Team

W - 98.0 (7-3) Corpus Callosum

Welp. Look who's back to his winning ways ...

Incredible how you were able to put it all together and break on through for the win on Monday Night.

Oh wait, do I sound positive and affirming? Because fuck that. God damn this piece of shit Cooper Kupp asshole absolutely fucked me in another big money league I'm in, and it looks like he did just the same fucking thing to another opponent. This Cooper Kupp guy is a fuckin fraud. Fuck that Amish beard having jerk.

He's fuckin incredible, probably will set some records, and yet he couldn't god damn produce when the game actually mattered. He had to wait until fucking garbage time to get his.

Well fuck that asshole. Both in this league and in that other league.

That's right, I'm going Multiversal with this column. Kinda.

L - 74.3 (4-6) Ethel St False Start

W - 127.94 (7-3) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

Nooooot much to unpack here. In one corner we had 20+ outputs from a trio of shitstains: Josh Allen, Jonathan Taylor, Antonio Gibson.

In the otehr corner we had,,,

Kamara.
Hodgkins Hopkins.
Joe Mixon.

No. No wait. Those three got 0 points.

Oh fuck,

Godwin's law.
Sherbert.
Not Judge Jeudy.
Badgley.

Let's just dust off this oft-used, soon to be dead, but always funny to me:

Yeeaaaah, not much you can do when your studs turn out to be duds.

Still, I'm going to petition the league that Team DJ BOMB SQUAD forfeit this win since he had Jakobi Meyers on his bench during the week he finally catches his first touchdown. The fuck are people doing, actually trying to be as intelligent as possible when setting lineups?? Fuck that.

L - 92.32 (1-9) electric avenue shit sandwiches

W - 121.62 (6-4) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY FUCKERS.

YOU BETTER CLENCH YOUR ANII CAUSE IMMA OILIN MYSELF UP TO BLAST SOME ASS.

Shit was tighter than butt-cheeks at first. electric avenue shit sandwiches stormed out to quite the fuckin early lead thanks to CeeDeez Nuts but thankfully, I was able to slowly and methodically plod along to a nice and sizable win.

It wasn't easy, especially with the slugfest at the Tight End position. I know I spent much of the week trying to decide between Gesicki and Hockenson - and ultimately they both scored the same amount of fuckin points: zero. Fuckin great.

So in honor of this win, imma just let those shit sandwiches go stale and celebrate the only way I know how,

Fin.

BOOM. DONE. Week 10 in the books. I have to say, some impressive wins throughout, the haves got more have, and the have nots, stocked up on not.

As we start to really hit the down-hill portion of the season, hope y'all been enjoying it. I uhh should probably get another power rankings done. Or I won't. Who knows.

But I hope everyone has a wonderful rest of your week. That as many as possible are taking the whole next week off because fuck work. Enjoy yourselves, much love and good health to everyone.

And let's try to end the fuckin season with maybe .. some fun? People have problems, and that's more than fine because we're adults and we know what we like, but don't be a shitty dick about it. I'm serious when I say that this league has been fucking fun as hell so far, and I'm ecstatic to just be involved in something that includes some of my oldest and most important friends.

Sucks that life happens and relationships diverge, but hopefully we can keep this shit together like butt-cheeks and only grow as best friends forever!

And if not? Well .. I'll find you, and I will hurt you.