Gobble Gobble

Belichick n Mayo Farts

OK fuck faces, I need to sit with you all and discuss how important good, quality, chemistry is.

Whether you're droppin a tab of LSD, enjoying some fine homemade Meth, maybe your team trying to overcome a superior opponent, or just maybe you think of yourself as some sort of Alchemist who can turn any old pile of shit into Au, life is just rife with the need to have great chemistry.

I think we've all had that shit job we hated, being ordered around by some shitsipping boss who constantly talks about how "boinkable" certain customers, but we show up to it - not because we're underpaid and are desperate for health insurance because that fuckin lump isn't just getting bigger, it's pulsing and aching - because we can't let our teammates, our coworkers down.

We'll bend over, grab a wheelbarrow by our own buttcheeks and drag that fuckin thing shoeless through a mile of broken glass for coworker chemistry. Solidarity even.

Want a good/decent drug reference in regards to chemistry? Go fuckin' binge Breaking Bad.

Bringing it back to teamwork - and since I'm nearing Rambling Territory - it's paramount to have good team chemistry. You get a great lockerroom devoid of drama, you have clear-cut leaders whose leads the yutes and newly signed will follow, and in the event there is some shit hitting a fan, there is enough respect and leadership that those bumps would get smoothened.

And how could you possibly get the greatest, most bestest, peak chemistry?

Farts.

source

That's fuckin right. Our outside and inside linebacker coaches are absolutely roasting people with a god damn fuckin fart machine.

And this guy

via GIPHY

Fuckin fartin' all over the god damn place.

Shit. They pranked the original TB in Tedy Bruschi Troy Brown!

And how are they all rewarded?

Paul "Poopypants" Pierce

First, a quote by the Philosopher Paulson Pierce (source),

Hall of Famer Paul Pierce sat down with The Athletic's Michelle Beadle to discuss a plethora of topics — from LeBron James to his exit from ESPN to his infamous wheelchair game in 2008 — in the latest episode of "What Did I Miss?" released on Friday.

Pierce is one of the best players to step onto a court, evident by him being named to the NBA's 75th Anniversary Team, but one of the moments he's most known for is his infamous wheelchair game in Game 1 of the 2008 NBA Finals against the Lakers. Many have speculated that the 10-time All-Star soiled himself on the court, a detail he denies to this day.

"If you pооp your pants, does it make sense to sit down and mush it in a wheelchair?" Pierce asked Beadle. "I would walk back there and go straight to the bathroom. Why would I need a wheelchair if I pооped my pants? You don’t sit down on your pооp, right? It doesn’t make sense."

Incredible.

mush it in a wheelchair

Like. What the fuck. I actually love Paul Pierce more. This happened 10+ years ago and he seriously is like, "yeah sure, let's bring this all up again and let me address it specifically." [thanks Joe - now the joke is hilarious]

Frankly, all the people discussing this event know fucking nothing. I might just be 38-years-old with at least a dozen years left on this planet, but let me tell you: kids nowadays don't know anything about shitting themselves.

Back in my day, we ain't have all these magical cellphones to call or text for help. We had to clench-walk to the fuckin payphone that was right outside the school's office - and in the middle of the most trafficked hallway in the building - then we'd have to fuckin dial down the god damn middle and pray that a parent was home and was sober enough to come pick me up because my pants tucked into my socks could only hold so much poo juice.

Nowadays, we have magical, watertight meundies that were made for shit holdin. God damn man, I'll sometimes keep an entire opened snackpack down there to keep my technique and mechanics fresh.

Mush it.

The Unvaccinated

Rodgers.
Amari.

..I honestly forget where I was going with this one. For realsies this time. I had those two names and that header since Sunday and can't for the life of me figure out what the holy fuck I ever felt like writing about.

Doesn't really matter. The NFL supposedly has their protocol and they barely hold players to it. Everything about that system in place to keep employees and their families healthy seems to be in order:

If anyone's getting sick or dying, I sure as hell ain't hearing about. Just like the NFL wanted it!

In conclusion, fuck you, keep reading.

Gaames

Pats vs. Falcons

I should have a lot more for this game, but all I got is a giant boner that hasn't gone away for like, 70 hours. Shit's gotten as hard as a golfball and turned completely jet black. Like blacker than death, it's almost like that pure black where you can't even tell if there's shadows on it or anyhting.

Which always reminds me of how much fun it is to watch a rookie quarterback develop from their goofy fuckin draft day gifs to being an absolute first-degree murderer on the field.

Of course, Mac still has a long way to go from random leg injuring to actual murder, but Belichick will show him the ropes.

Saints vs. Eagles

Saints fuckin suck ass. What the fuck are they doin with Seamean and Taysome? Both of them are such garbage QBs. Shame Payton didn't hold onto Teddy Throwsevelt.

Dophins vs. Jets

It's funny. I hate the Dolphins a lot. Like, a lot. Probably my second most hated team after those fucking asshole Broncos.

And maybe in third place, it's the god damn Jets.

But I've come to learn that I'll never hate the Jets in anywhere near the same capacity as your average New York Jets fan.

...fuck I hate that the Dolphins are looking good. Fuckin idiot fish. So fucking stupid that they claim to be mammals. Fucking stupid.

WFT vs. Panthers

I fuckin love this dude.

God damn I wish it worked out last year. It kinda sorta started to, but then Cam got Covid and the season just fell the fuck apart.

I mean, Newton's even pullin shit like this now,

Also, fuck the god damn Washington Football Team. How the fuck Dan Snyder not getting flak for literal sex trafficking? You know, where the Redskins tried to pimp out cheerleaders in Costa Rica?

Not enough awful things can happen to that franchise. Ron Rivera should get the fuck away .. but he probably already has the shit stink on him.

Colts vs. Bills

It's the devil.

So. All you assholes that were lucky enough to face Jonathan Taylor in your various leagues:

Who actually ended up winning?

Just me? Fuckin noice.

Lions vs. Browns

Oh my god. Ewww. Fuckin Rust Bowl with two franchises that are absolutely dicking their own fans this season.

And this game .. what the fuck. 10-13? Good god damn jesus titty fuckin christ balls. What is up with the Lions nearly pulling out all these fucking wins against AFC North teams? Either game-winning kicks, outright tying, or .. this game.

Shit man, Goff would have fucking gave the Lions a chance to win.

Obviously that means he couldn't play, but oh my fuckin god, these poor Detroit Lions fans.

Only anything/anyone suffering more would be Baker Mayfield. I feel like I'm streets ahead on this declaration: he's a little too injured to be playing.

Just sit the dude before he turns into this,

One last thing: People are saying that Laavar Arrington sucks absolutely shit through a straw as an announcer.

9ers vs. Jags

Just like their west coast fans, looks like the 49ers are finally showing up to the 2021 NFL season! Not sure if being fashionably late will translate into a deep postseason run, but frankly: what the fuck do I know about anything? Like my pappy always told me, "you don't know shit Joe, shut the fuck up."

Ahh such a wonderfully repressed childhood.

(Urban Meyer bores me now)

Texans vs. Titans

Ryan tannehil looked like the worst player on the field in a game that featured the 2021 Houston Texans (source)

:chef_kiss:

Can't wait for the next AFC South showdown with the Texans. They're 2-1 in the division and possibly going to fuck up a lot of bets going forward.

Packers vs. Vikes

Rodgers throws 4 TDs: Loss
Rodgers throws 0 TDs: Win

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

(what the ever-loving fuck are these Vikings???)

Ravens vs. Bears

Another what the ever-loving fuck situation. If I'm not mistaken, and I often am .. mistaken, the Ravens should have definitely pissed this game away like flu-having Llamar does from his anus.

But the Bears are the Bears. They are Chicago. They are heartattackbreak. They are cursed because they desecrated the concept of a kielbasa by throwing cheese inside it like some fucking monster.

Fuck you, Bears. Fire Nagy for the love of God. Who fucking cares if the Bears, a charter member of the NFL, haven't ever fired a coach mid-season, fucking do it.

Bengals vs. Raiders

This is the first win after a bye for the Bengals in 6 years.

To give you some perspective, the Bears have 8-straight losses so the Bengals weren't even the worst-best to do it. Why the fuck are we supposed to laude them? Because they were outliers?? Pfft.

Don't we just fucking dismiss outliers anyway?

Piss off, Bengals.

Cards vs. Seahawks

Eww. EWWWWW.

At least with the Seahawks in an absolute free-fall, they can draft some nice rooki-.

[Laughs in NY Jets]

OK well, with restocking from the draft off the table, maybe the Seahawks should just look into trading Russell for $1.50 on the dollar and then ride with Mr. Seattle: Colt McCoy.

Dude is fuckin 3-0 in Seattle. Quarterbacking three different teams.

Oh, you want the stats to back that up? Tough. You think I'm going to put in that much extra work? Boy, you don't know Joe.

Cowboys vs. Chefs

19-9

Between teams who supposedly have two of the top-5 offenses (when operating at maximum powah), we ended up with a fucking 19-9 final score??

I missed the game, but the only thing more infuriating than the final score was, you guessed it: MORE BULLSHIT TAUNTING PENALTIES!

This would be the perfect time for me to insert some of the worst calls. But that requires effort, and with it being 9:45pm on Tuesday, I simply do not fucking care enough to bless you with what some would call, 110%.

Steeeeers vs. Charge

No.

Giants n Buccos

haha references

Recpsl

W - 127.1 (7-4) Mighty Scarecrows

L - 114.08 (6-5) McCorkle Ascendant

A preeeetty big matchup when it comes to playoff seeding. The winner is 7-4 with .. what I assume is the inside-track for homefield advantage (huge in fantasy football) and a first-round bye.

...

We have first-round byes in this league? Wait, are we doing playoffs or will the championship be determined by a 2-week, free for all between all the teams' best 5 players from any position? I heard about this option the other day and apparently ESPN is the only one offering it. Let's check,

AH HA. I KNEW IT.

Oh fuck, we got Roshambo rules??? FUCK. MY BALLS.

L - 81.5 (1-10) electric avenue shit sandwiches

W - 134.72 (7-4) Golder 🏈 Team

Every week I open the boxscore for electric avenue shit sandwiches,

And every week,,,

At this point, I think it's time to stick a fork in that shit sandwich. I think. Finally. It's done. Over. Finito. Shit's over. I salute your attempts this season, and while you're still 5-6 plane crashes away from a playoff spot, I think it's about time to start tanking.

...

It's time to continue tanking.

Golder 🏈 Team! You're 7-4, just like me!

GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO I AM?

...

I could pull a better meme outta my a-... oooh, hey kids!

W - 137.68 (5-6) Ethel St False Start

L - 65.24 (3-8) 2Girls CooperKupp

I tried to do my best to keep us Trojans going strong, but really there is only so much I can do without phishing our own commissioner and having him perform an absolutely ridiculous one-sided trade with another Trojan alumn.

No wait, I didn't mean that seriously, there's no way I could possibly pull something like that off myself. Just impossible.

pulls collar emoji

OK, conspiracies aside, we all can very obviously see: me donating any of my energy to Trojans hasn't helped whatsoever. The shit sandwiches are essentially mushed into electric avenue like a pair of Paul Pierce basketball shorts, and 2Girls CooperKupp is 3-8, starting players on the *BYE*, getting goose-eggs from Covided.

But Ethel St could not be denied. What an arrogant team. For shame.

L - 111.9 (4-7) Flaming Poo 🔥

W - 132.28 (8-3) Corpus Callosum

Yeah. So. As much as I'm trying to lift up other Trojans only to see them get absolutely fuckin split in half, THIS FUCKING CORPUS CALLOSUM TEAM JUST WON'T FUCKING DIE.

Wonder how this will go ...

Such a fucking brutal loss for the pile of Flaming Poo 🔥. Really, anyone that scores 110+ and ends up losing sucks so much shit. At least it isn't a situation where the losing team is one of the top 50% of scorers. Fucking worst way to lose.

And why did he lose? That motherfucker, Patrick Mahomes puts up another shit performance when facing Tom Brady.

Don't get me wrong, it sparks great joy to see Old Bastard Brady slingin' it, but when an underdog has to suffer because of it? C'mon Tom, take it easy on the young buck.

As a show of solidarity, I'll strongly support my fellow comrade in Flaming Poo 🔥.

W - 148.72 (7-4) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

L - 140.06 (7-4) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

YEAH FUCK THAT SOLIDARITY. FUCK OUTTA HERE YOU LOSERS OF THE WEEK BECAUSE I WON AND NOW I'M 7-4, AND IN 3RD FUCKIN' PLACE.

..Despite my best attempts at completely fucking up my week by starting the Broncos on their *BYE*, I AM IN THIRD FUCKIN' PLACE.

NOTHING CAN STOP THIS GOD DAMN TRAIN SO DON'T EVEN TRY TO GET IN MY WAY.

How fuckin out of control am I?

I BEAT A TEAM THAT HAD JONATHAN TAYLOR.

Fin.

Week 11 is complete. Despite their losing records, I hope other folks don't become disinterested so it stays competitive until that last week of the regular season.

Plus the future is never promised, you can't just tank away and get a great draft pick. It's more fun to play spoiler anyway.

Happy Turkey Day peoples, I hope everyone enjoys the day and spends it with whoever they so desire: whether friends, family, or fucking no one. Enjoy it.

...

Now to get a little serial,

Mom

My mom tested positive for Coronavirus and my entire outlook on the pandemic changed to the point where I'd love to personally break every willingly unvaccinated person's legs. Like, not just me snap my fingers and a toe breaks, or perhaps some hairline fracture somewhere - I'm talking about putting one's heel against the sidewalk curb, and I just dive into the knee. I want the person to kick themselves in the balls.

I feel like a lot of that is an emotional reaction to a person who has taken an abundance of caution due to the fact that she is the caretaker for both her mother (my grandmother), but also my father who seemingly suffers a stroke every 10 months .. so he's not really all up there no more, and that's me assuming he was at one point (nyuck nyuck nyuck).

I've done my best to step in but I had a pretty tenuous grip on my own fuckin life, barely able to consistently exercise, struggling to balance work from home and personal life, trying not to tilt when I hit a 15-game losing streak while grinding ranked matchups, underperforming by only masterbating four times and shitting thrice a day.

I basically stopped being able to contribute back to society, took multiple days off, and did my best to feed and generally take care of three different adults who can't really be in the same room together.

So yeah. For all the unvaccinated out there, spare me your shitty crocodile tears and fuck off. If this personally offends you, go ahead and fucking never come back and read this shit again because you don't deserve it. Stick an air compressor in your urethra and fuckin blow your useless balls away you selfish prick. I hope all your dreams come true and you eventually are blessed with your very own Herman Cain Award, making the World will be a better place.

I'm sure your friends and family would be burdened by the loss of life, but you don't fucking care because you're a selfish piece of shit.

For all the vaccinates out there, I just want to thank you, from the deep, dark, recesses of my black heart. You took it on yourself to take a very small, but insanely selfless step fighting back this piece of shit pandemic. I wouldn't be surprised if a significant majority of you vaccinateds also wear masks whenever possible, because (not to sound like a broken record) you're not a selfish piece of shit.

There are countless people out there not getting sick, their families not being burdened, friends not having to worry, just humans doing their best to continue living their lives, because society as a whole is trying to do what is best.

Gotta keep grinding. Gotta keep optimistic. And gotta keep naming, shaming, and gifting Herman Cain Awards until either we make it through to the other side, or the unfortunately large group of ignorant shitheads finally fuck around and find out.

Happy Thanksgiving!