Don't yuck his yum

First things first, last week I may have gone off the deep end due to a certain dairy distaste

What's Cookin, Good Lookin?

For this Sunday, I'm going with the instant pot chicken noodle soup. It's so fucking simple, I made it on Sunday.

https://www.justtherecipe.com/?url=https://www.jocooks.com/recipes/instant-pot-chicken-noodle-soup/

Protips:

1. swap butter for olive/avocado oil.
2. Add 2-3 bay leaves
3. 365 Brand wide egg noodles are the GOAT egg noodle

How fuckin neat is that?

Do it, cowards.

You won't.

Sawx

I kinda wish I had published this column yesterday because the tone of this section was a lot happier.

So in lieu of actually putting in effort to rewrite it, I'm going to simply address Tuesday's game with a single tweet:

OK, back to the ALCS pre-game-4: the Sox have hit like 48 grand slams - and there's no way I could possibly get the expressed written consent of major league baseball for all of them.

Instead, I'll just share this one clip:

I'd say it does a pretty good job of demonstrating Red Sox hitter discipline.

But also,

SCHWAAHBAH

Fuckin' better win tonight, you fuckin bums.

Buccs and...? oh right, Eagles

Yeah yeah yeah, Tom Brady is the fucking GOAT. Eagles are trash, their coach sucks, and they're from Philadelphia.

Home of the 76ers and a Mr. Ben Simmons.

God damn, I almost feel bad for 76er fans.

Jags/Miami

LET IT BE KNOWN: NOBODY WATCHES THE JAGS LOSE 21 GAMES IN A ROW

It was nice to see the Jags win their first one at home. But holy hell, waking up to this game was one of the worst ways to spend a morning.

With any luck, this is only one of the first 5 times you've read that joke.

First Field Goal: Made it

Second Field Goal: Made it
First Win: Got it

blah blah blah

Rams n Giants

At least we got ourselves a, [CERTIFIED SCORIGAMI] out of this shit-show

Game really was all set and done entering halftime McVay has a 22-0 record when leading at the halfway point.

And with a 28-3 lead, there's no fuckin way that the Giants could possibly come back. No one could.

You know the question "would you suck for 10 years if it means winning a super bowl?"  

We're what happens when you answer 'Yes' while already sucking for the previous super bowl you answered Yes to. It compounds.
source

Vikings vs. Pound Kitties

What does The Darnold have to say about this game?

The Vikings game winning “points” came AFTER THE GAME ENDED!

STOP THE COUNT!!
Source

Texans n Colts

Roof status: Open.
Texans status: Pathetic.

How the fuck did the Pats almost lose to this shit Houston team?

Bangulls vs. Loins

As per usual, and absolutely dominating the Tortured Fan Index, the Lions can't seem to fuckin do anything right, and now the Jags won a game before Detroit? I thought they were supposed to be good.

Joe BurrowMixon and Ja'Marr Chase tho.
THO.

Ja'Marr got shitted-on so damn much, like a music festival's only porta-potty. It's crazy that he's fucking running away with Offensive RotY

KC vs. What Fuck Team

Obligatory 🔥🔥🔥 for the Washington Football Team jerseys. They were so god damn nice.

Any/all praise of WFT ends there. Let's start off the usual column Shit Flingfest,

The h*ck is Snyder thinking?? Against the god damn CHEFS?? The WFT haven't beaten Kansas City since 19-fucking-83. In fact, it's their only win. The same year that a number of us were likely born in (I know I was). The WFT's only win is a god damn, old assed, millennial. An Elderennial, you could say. So of course the owner is going to put all their fucking hopes and dreams of deflecting much deserved negative attention at their organization and culture on our - I mean, that win's shoulders and think what? That they'd win this game?

What a crazy fuckin franchise.

Baldimore vs. Chargers

I'll let the internet summarize this game, and Charger fandom,

I'll leave it up to a Ravens fan to explain their season so far,

So the ravens have to get a superman comeback to beat the 1-4 Colts, depend on a questionable no call and a last second nfl record field goal to beat the winless lions, and blow out a leading mvp candidate and one of the hottest offenses in the league.  (Source)

And in the interest of fair and balanced reporting,

For the other 99.9% of football fans let me explain to you what it's like being a Chargers fan. It's like you hired a dominatrix for the evening to edge you the height of sexual pleasure. The moment you can feel the sweet release coming, she instead stomps her stiletto heel into your ball sack. You start screaming the safe word, but she just leaves the heel in place until all pleasure is gone. Then you wrap your bloody sack in your LaDainian Tomlinson jersey and are reminded once again he wasn't selected to the NFL 100 team. You cry yourself to sleep and prepare your body to do this again next week.  (Source)

Pack vs. Bears

A story in three parts.

Part I

Part II

Part III

Cards n Brownies

Right up there challenging Detroit, we have Cleveland on the Tortured Fan Index. What the fuck is happening over there?

As far as those freaking Cardinals: what the hell do you think you're doing? I hate your aesthetic. Fix your god damn jerseys/colors/whatever so I can enjoy Hail Murray, DeAnfree Hodgkins, and Mandler Jones.

Miss you, Jones. Was so happy for that dominating week one performance.

Oakland Raiders vs. Denver Donkeys

That's some shit about how Goodell kinda, sorta, maybe, possibly, might have perhaps totally fucked over the Raiders on purpose by withholding all those emails until after the season started.

But they beat Denver. So I guess it weren't all that bad, right?

I should probably say a nice thing about Denver at some point.

Cowboys vs. Greatriots

Fuck. What a game.

God damn it.

But what a fuckin game.

Patriots started off so strong, ended so strong, then ultimately fucking lost in overtime. With all these close losses, they're going to end up getting a top-5 pick but with a positive scoring differential.

Despite the 2-4 record,

I'm having the time of my life.

The league better worry what happens once they awaken the beast,

Steeeeeers vs. Rainy City Bitch Pigeons

Seattle Seahawks defensive end Darrell Taylor was placed on a stretcher and carted off the field after a scary injury forced him to the turf late in Sunday's game against the Pittsburgh Steelers. Taylor, who was surrounded by players from both teams as he was carted off, has use of all of his extremities, coach Pete Carroll said after the game, and that all his CT scans were "clear." source

It's so crazy watching those situations develop on the broadcast. More doctors. A cart. A stretcher. Maybe an ambulance. More players kneeling, holding hands. As much as I can appreciate a top-notch process for handling any array of problems, this is always kinda .. unsettling to say the least.

Hopefully Darrell Taylor makes a full recovery and gets his ass back on the field soon.

And like, steelers and stuff.

Recaps

L - 137.92 (3-3) TEAM DJ BOMB SQUAD

W - 138.00 (4-2) McCorkle Ascendant

Holy. Fuckin. Shit.

I've never, ever seen a score that ended up being this fucking close. It fuckin came down to 0.08 points?? Are you fucking shitting on my face?

Fuck I love this stupid piece of shit hobby.

L - 106.94 (3-3) Golder 🏈 Team

W - 133.40 (3-3) 2Girls CooperKupp

Fuckin Dak-slapped Golder 🏈 Team by like .. roughly two fortnites.

I'd love to be happy for you, maybe re-use your joke and throw you a Lemon Party.

I frankly can't help but blame you for the Patriots loss. No, you're not Diggs. No, you're not Snek McDaniels who can't make consistently decent calls in any one offensive drive. No, you're not actually in control of any aspect of the Patriots organization whatsoever..

But you started Dak.

And those hips don't lie.

How dare you?

L - 145.18 (1-5) electric avenue shit sandwiches

W - 150.78 (2-4) Finally a W 💩

Ahhh yes, perhaps my favorite matchup of the week:

Stephen A Smith vs. the concept of consistency

Whoops, I meant,

electric avenue shit sandwiches
vs.
The Cruel Cold Reality of Life

In this week's episode, we have ourselves highly-offensive electric avenue shit sandwiches! The second highest output of the week, in fact!

...

But can you all guess who had the highest output?

Cruel Cold Reality of Life wins again!!

On a more positive note, congrats to doubling your win total Finally a W 💩! You're well on your way to three wins.

..As long as you figure out a way to unfuck yourself when it comes to D/ST roster spot decisions.

L - 123.48 (4-2) Corpus Callosum

W - 128.56 (4-2) Mighty Scarecrows

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

AND I HAVE THIS FUCKER NEXT WEEK??

FUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Well, until that week 7 matchup I suppose I should give this one to respect it deserves.

Let's see here, I guess it's pretty incredible to actually see the makeup of a [Mighty in this case] Scarecrow:

• 1x Kyler Murray
• 1x Derrick Henry
• 1x Stefon Diggs
• 1x Hunter "Hearst" Henry
• 1x human asterisk (or cat anus)

Fuck. I can't compete with that shit. Especially when it comes to this horrifying fucker:

That is the face of pure, unadulterated Fear.

I'm so fucked. I need to start making mountains from my Tanneyhill.

W - 130.34 (4-2) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

L - 94.8 (2-4) Ethel St False Start

For whatever reason, I simply am not allowed to consistently get points from Cook and Sutton. Drives me crazy how fucking wishy-washy those motherfuckers in Minnesota are with announcing their game day rosters.

Of course, there's literally zero reason to even have any sort of explicit list of injuries outside of fucking gambling. Are we supposed to believe it's so the other teams are better informed as to who they'll be playing against? Or so fans can make smarter financial decisions when buying tickets for a game?

Better luck, next week Ethel St False Start. Perhaps a trip out to Roslindale Thursday evening (I'm going to have to make some educated assumptions here) and perhaps, drink a couple tallboys - I'm guessing, cheapish and not that fancy - perhaps find a nook in an alley to relieve yourself, really bring yourself back to those Ethel Street glory years, and only then will the Victory you seek, materialize itself.

And if not, then hey, it's nothing a drunk drive back home can't fix!

Fin.

So thanks again for following along with this week's journey.

Hoping to push this turd out before the Sox game this afternoon, but it's getting prettttty close. Apparently the job I have and am paid for expects me to be productive today. Not really sure where they got the nerve to make such an assumption but hey, I'm a team player so I'll just photoshop some meme and post it in slack with an @here tag.

Have a great weekend everyone!

And fuckin prepare your collective anuses: we have like 14 teams on bye this week.