Gambling and shit

So some horseshit news came across the wire involving the fake Adarn Schefter and some Kraft mac jones n cheese guy joined up with another horseshit gambling platform.

Now. Don't get me wrong - a rising tide lifts all ships - I like competition in any market, even if it's the one I'm in. But this shit pisses me off because of the obvious catastrophic optics as well as the magnified possiblity of fucking conspiracy theories by way too many dipshit twitter users who think that because some proprietary Stat platform's API goes down, that's why they keep losing their moneyline bets on the fuckin Jags.

Like .. gambling platforms have so many fucking safe-guards to not just protect themselves against regulators, but also from dipshits out there that constantly whine that their bad skill is actually us picking on them because like so many of us citizens, American Exceptionalism has completely deluded too many people into thinking they matter to anyone outside of their pets.

So yeah, while sure - Adam could hold onto some juicy tidbit about Cam Newton possibly being signed, instead make a bet or two or possibly let a buddy know, and then post the news brief to twitter just 60 seconds later. But I personally don't think that,

1. He's fucking stupid enough to destroy his reputation as quite possibly the GOAT Founding Father Insider (don't even talk to be about that PaRappa the Rapoport amateur shit-sipper)
2. If he did, there's a little known law that penalize people who violate the Gambling Code of Ethics by catapult. What? I mean, have you even seen Tim Donaghy since that book? Check. Mate.

But it doesn't fucking matter.

We have to be so fucking careful with anything and everything new that we do - whether it's coming into a new state or unveil a new feature. Regulators want fucking blood and gambling platforms are such easy targets. We've gotten fucked before and just bad PR could thunderfuck our anus into a hoola-hoop.

What's my fucking point?

Well, I'm working on it - I think by week 5 or 6 I'll have it nailed down, but right now I fucking hate this move because any fucking gambling-related news that gets seen by people is bad for us because stigma and shit.

[JOE: I work for DraftKings. I probably should have mentioned that.]

Early Games

Panthahs vs. Ex-Oilers

Oooooh shit, that's right - this took place on Thursday.

..

Fuck that. I'm moving on.

Lolts at Tittans

oh. Christ. An AFC South rivalry game? Fucking get me out of here. A pox on that Colts franchise. Their QB is quite possibly the only other human on Earth that might give me a good challenge for EARTH'S STUPIDEST SHIT MAGNET (I mean, two sprained ankles? what the fuck???) and their owner is the only other human on Earth that might give me a good challenge for EARTH'S STUPIDEST DRUG CONSUMER.

Although, there is one thing Jim will always have over everybody,

Reporting whether the dome is open or closed.

Wow. Incredible.

Colts lost by the way.

Failcons n Gints

Jesus. ANOTHER dumpster fire? What the fuck is wrong with Week 3? Falcons? Giants? These are fucking trash teams right now, and it looks like we have our official,

How does Judge, Garrett and Gettlemen still have jobs? Especially Gettlemen, good fuckin lord.

Judge still has a GOAT first name, so he could stay like 3-4 .. more years.

Chargers vs. Chefs

This matchup's got me like: Whoa.

It had everything - and I saw none of it. But hey, that's never stopped me from any sort of critical analysis.

Speaking of no-look,

Dumbass.

You know. It's funny. I have a certain memory that manifests every time I hear a certain phrase .. and thankfully, it hasn't really happened for what feels like years and years.

Until that play, and people talking about Asante Samuel making a nice interception. I'm sorry friends, but it reminds me of that 2008 game with the Patriots and Giants. And how this dude's pappy just couldn't HOLD ONTO THE FUCKING INTERCEPTION THAT WOULD CAP A PERFECT SEASON.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH. AND HE HAD 19-0 WRITTEN ON HIS FUCKING FINGERS

POOP. HECK. FRICK. DARN. BUM.

Sigh.

Fuck I'm exhausted. At least the Pats are tied with the Chiefs at 1-2.

And the Falcons.

oh no

Bengals vs. SteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeexE12

I should care about a classic AFC North rivalry, but I don't.

That Big Benedict Wafflesburger diet paying dividends, I see.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Brs at Brownies

I am a fantasy owner that started Justin Fields in one of their leagues.

Ask me anything!

I thought that he'd have a decent time for his homecoming, but apparently it turns out that Nagy is such a dipshit he seemingly coaches so Fields sucks dick to make the Dalton signing appear like a better move in retrospect.

Yeah yeah, memery aside, fuck Nagy and I can't believe Fields had like 3 yards passing or some stupid shit.

Ravens n Loins

Tell me you lost by a field goal without telling me you lost by a field goal.

Simps vs. Greatriots

This is exactly the shit-pumping that Patriots needed.

..

A blocked fuckin punt? For real?

Oh God. No. No. What the fuck?

What the ever-loving fuck is wrong with Josh? Why is he calling the plays that he is calling? Why? WHYYY?

blah blah fuck that

Cards n Jags

hahahah,

hah

PS. TLaw has like 38 interceptions already, what the fuck, get him out of there

WFT vs. Bills

What a couple of franchises.

One was a fuckin slur that eventually ended after their trademark was nulled out. And now they're some kind of parody of themselves with,

What the fuck? FUCKING NAME YOURSELVES, YOU COWARDS.

The other is named after their owner:

Bills won n shit.

Late games

Just end the suffering vs. fuckin Donkeys

Fuckin Borncos get another win and remain amongst the undefeateds,

Just horseshit, really. I don't fucking care what you tell me, the Broncos are barely a top-15 team. Records don't mean shit when none of your opponents even have a god damn win yet. So yeah, go eat Bluecifer's asshole, Broncos.

Dolphins/Vegas

Let's go Brisskett!

I gotta say that I fuckin hate that I root for the Dolphins sometimes. I'm a huge Jacoby fan. I'm a huge Brian Flores fan. They got folks like Elandon Roberts, JMac, .. more.

Yeehawks n Vikes

Vikes get their first dub of the season and are yet another piece of evidence against this very strong argument against a Mr. Pete Carrol,

uh oh.

Rams vs. Buccos

It's funny .. I want to care more about this game but I kinda sorta didn't? I dunno why, it's got two of my favorite QBs (and obviously, my superdupermegaultra favorite in Tom Terrrrrrrrrific) and it seemingly lived up to the hype.

Did I mention that I was working? WELL I WAS SO I COULDN'T REALLY PAY ATTENTION FUCKING BALLS.

Really the only thing I wanted to share was the incredible stick that some Rams defender put on Gronk. I mean, I love the big guy but geeeeeeeeeee-zusss, it was such a perfect tackle. Dude went through him like a hot knife through butter.

Ahh well.

Tom lost.

Packpackpackpackpackpackpack vs. 9ers

All i got are memes

Eegles vs. dem boys

It was a blow out
I had on but but did not
watch any of it

RECAPS

W - 135.24 (2-1) McCorkle Ascendant

L - 133.54 (1-2) Mighty Scarecrows

EVERYBODY. PLEASE STAY CALM.

What a fuckin game. A win by fewer than two points! On the back of Ewokiel Elliott!!

And that's just the metaphorical caboose of that god damn comeback that started Sunday Night with Aaron Rodgers and god damn Greg Kittle.

Fuckin incredible - I'm sure Mighty Scarecrows missed out on a huge opportunity to jam some coal up his own asshole in the mid afternoon:

Throughout Sunday night and then Monday night things would go from puckered to absolutely pinpoint tightened *

[JOE: ..jesus christ..]

L - 126.32 (1-2) Golder 🏈 Team

W - 137.02 (2-1) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

Fuckin love these scores. It makes following other matchups so much more fun when there's just tons of action going on all the time.

Oh fuck. Oh shit.

I need to photoshop something up in memory of the Mad lad that got 30+ from a player ,,, and lost.

Hehe.

Anyway, I know you left quite a few points on the bench, but don't even think of going there. This motherfucking DJ .. or Bomb Squad technician .. or like, a group named DJ BOMB .. anyway, this DJ Gallant feller also left a couple points on his bench.

Golder 🏈 Team tries some sneaky What Ifs with Covid Beasley or Nyne Hines, DJ will just hyperclap some cheeks with Patterson, Jakobi (wait .. he did what??), or shit - Captain Kirk.

L - 106.92 (1-2) 2Girls CooperKupp

W - 118.24 (2-1) Ethel St False Start

What a nice and pleasant close game!

And guess what, it's the first one I've scoped the Scoring Breakdown out with.

What a completely, and utterly useless fucking view of all the stats. It's so god damn painful to look at. Sorry sorry sorry, I didn't mean for this to be here hold on wait hold on i've almost help?

..

Sorry. Lost myself for a bit there.

2Girls CooperKupp gave it a good fucking rattle. Buuuut,

L - 74.48 (1-2) electric avenue shit sandwiches

W - 155.28 (2-1) Corpus Callosum

Well. This battle started off with some good old fashioned shit talking on the email chain,

And I have to say that my fucking mind went to one god damn place

and one place only:

Unfortunately, in this episode of What If, we get to see

What If Happy Gilmore fuckin lost to Shooter McGavin?

And yeah, sorry Corpus Callosum, I don't mean to imply you're a villain in all of this but - you know - the implication of it all.

So as far as the matchup goes, we got another great performance from the slowly-transforming-into-sharon-osbourne Tom Brady going for 30+ fucking points. God damn.

And then another 30 from Cooper Kupp. And then a smattering of double digits up and down the roster.

While electric avenue shit sandwiches were just that.

Well ,, except for his MOTHER FUCKING BENCH. HOLY SHIT DUDE. Your own bench kicked your ass. What? I'm fucking serious: they scored 109.12 points. Fucking brutal.

Here, if this can be any consolation:

L - 119.50 (0-3) Boro Boys 💩

W - 161.88 (3-0) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

Holy fuckin' shit. Thought I was gonna be up shit creek when Dalvin Cook went out and thought Ryan Tanneyhill wasn't worth the flesh he's wrapped in.

But boy was I fucking wrong! Hooray!

So don't mind me, I'm just going to verbally .. or writtenly (???) rosterbate,

No 30 pointers, but jesus hell 100+ from four of my dudes is just almost too much for me to not require a cold shower

Decent showing Boro Boys 💩, nothing personnel kid.

Just remember this tattoo and take on Week 4 head-first:

Fin.

Welp fellers. That was a fun one. Hope everyone has a great rest of the week and enjoy the beginning of the next month. And let me be the first to wish you,

a happy something something wake me up when september ends joke

Take care dudes