TWO OH TWO FOUR

I dunno about you fuckers, but I spent this New Year's Eve at home:

Playing some Splendor. Drinking local brews (love me some Juice Bag). Eating home made pizza.

And that's how I likes it.

Not to say that I'm going to negatively judge anyone going out. I've had so much fuckin fun partying on NYE with my good friends of days past. Shit, some of you assholes are part of those ye olde shenanigans. However, it's kinda nice to stay in, load up on ridiculous New Year tradition malarkey (jumping at midnight so you land in 2024 with good luck, eating grapes/round fruits, wearing red underwear, going around the block/house with an empty suitcase, all of the above...), and laughing at the overproduced entertainment running with a fuckin ~45 second delay.

But mostly realizing that I don't have a god damn clue who 75% of the celebrities and bands are that they keep showing on TV.

"Oh no. Green Day is how old??"

Oh my god the season is almost over

All right. With the pleasantries done with, let's jump into some week 17 funnery!

Jest @ BOROWNS

Now. I don't want to just lay into the Jest franchise and pile on because frankly, their trials and tribulations at Quarterback have me realizing that us Greatriot fans will never, ever experience happiness again outside of the occasional week 8 Super Bowl. Especially once Belichick is sent off by Robert Kraft in exchange for two weeks of handies, five happy endings, and seven with eye contact.

Anyway, I think I now have an answer to the question: What would you do if you had a time machine?

No, I wouldn't kill baby Hitler. I wouldn't go back and tell past-me to buy Apple stock. I would grab a grand of bitcoin either.

I'd go back to ~2013 and tell a Browns fan that they would be chanting Flacco's name on the way to a playoff berth in 2023, just to see someone's head explode a la Total Recall.

Lions VS Refs

So I hear some absolutely fuckin bullshit happened this game, and as a neutral third party to this game, I couldn't have been more entertained during and after this game.

Some would say the greatest rivalries in sports would be,

• Sox vs. Yanks
• Celtics vs. Lakers
• Confederate states vs. literacy
• Michigan vs. Ohio St.
• Englishman vs. Scots
• Welshmen vs. Scots
• Japanese vs. Scots
• Scots vs Scots

But we all know the true top-tier rivalry are the Lions vs. the Refs

The wild thing is, apparently Dan Campbell knowing full-well of this storied history did his best to inform the referees about the potential for a deceptively confusing play,

But I get it. The refs had no possible ability to even see #68 declaring himself eligible. And unfortunately, there is zero media available to truly confirm/disprove this,

Of course, I'm sure the NFL will take the appropriate course of action and hold these referees accountable,

But you know, it's all quite relatable. Who hasn't been in a such a high-stress situation and completely fucking forgot what was just told to you? I mean, it's never happened to me, but I'm sure it's happened to other people out there - not just at their jobs, but I'm sure in their own personal lives.

Greatriots @ Bill's

Let's just take a look at the first play of the game and nothing else.

Failcons @ Brrrs

Meh. Pass.

LA/Oak/LV Raiders @ Lolts

Pass.

Rams @ Geeeeee Men

Rams.. are in the playoffs??

STL Cards @ Iggles

I'm sorry, Philly fans. But you know I had to do it to 'em

Aints @ Buccos

I dunno man. I feel like this is the classic Baker Mayfield. Build up so much fucking hope. Play out of your mind. Such a god damn gamer.

And then you fucking lose a game you really kinda sorta needed to win.

9ers @ Commies

A whole lot of people made it to the finals on the back of McCaffrey, and possibly fucking lost because Shanahan drove that motherfucker into the ground, leading to his worst performance all season.

Of course, none of those people are me. Out of the four leagues I participate in, I made a total of zero playoffs.

Tepper is a bitch @ God hates Jags

Fraudphins @ Baldimore

Seems like the Ravens have the number one seed all wrapped up. They can rest players in week 18. They have a first round bye.

What could go wrong?

...

Tittans @ Tejans

Bitchburg @ Rainy City Bitch Pigeons

..at least the Huskies won, right?

LAClippers @ Broncos

Ahhh the Broncos playoff chances,,

Bungles @ Chefs

Pack @ Vikes

FINALS

Welp. This is it lady and gentlemen. The finals are over. A new champion has been [narrowly] crowned and now the offseason is upon us.

But before we say good bye to 2023, I'd like to just do that shit I've been doing week-in and week-out where I struggle to string complete sentences together in an entertaining way. With any luck, I won't have to reach into my bag of goodies and pull out the same tired analysis and jokes.

AND BOY IT'S OFF TO A GREAT FUCKING START BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON THIS IS THE FUCKING BOXSCORE THAT ESPN IS GIVING ME TO WORK WITH,

Now. I could spend the next 1,000 words complaining about this shit, but I'm going to do the noble thing and blame this horrible UX on the thing that I always blame while at work:

L - Team Name

W - Air Force 🏆

The madman. He fucking did it. The storyline that any asshole could have come up with came true: the Commissioner takes the championship, and with it, most of our fucking money.

I guess it shouldn't be all that surprising - and no, not because he drafted well, was insanely active on the waiver wire, had luck on his side, and is generally a very smart and handsome fellow - the fuckin league is named after him. Just in case you haven't frequented the actual landing page of this web log, THE MAN IS THE LOGO

For once, the 1%er has his day, and I'm sure we're all super fucking thrilled for him. He was only one of two teams to break the 1900+ Points For total on the season, and ultimately was the number one point producer.

A team that failed at being the number one seed was able to overcome the hurdle of mediocrity and end their season with a win. To end their 2023 with three straight wins is truly a feat that only one team two teams can claim (congratulations to my champion, Well, thanks for having me!).

Before I continue my jerkfest of Air Force, I need to give a shout-out to the People's Champ, Team Name. You fought ever so valiantly, getting hot at the fucking right time and making the Finals after going 6-8 in the regular season. Storied matchups of razor-thin margins and 50+ point scoring. It's a shame your fantasy run came to an end, because I was totally going to collect all your matchups, dabble a little proof-reading in and try to sell it to Hollywood.

Although I'm fairly sure if I ever proposed the story of your fantasy season, Hollywood execs would literally tear my liver out of my body and force me to eat it. They would beat me to death with the very script that your experiences wrote because it would be such a far-fetched adventure of beating the odds.

OK OK OK.

So I personally didn't expect this fuckin matchup to even be this close. After Air Force scored 80 and change points on Thursday and Monday-as-Saturday Night, I figured Team Name had no fucking chance to catch up. How the fuck could a CompactDisc Lamb 40+ point performance ever be wasted on a loss? Shit man, even The Sun God was able to grab something like 10-12 quick fucking points right at the end of the game.

Wasn't looking good. No sir.

But thanks to the absolute bazooka blast of early games on Sunday, Team Name launched himself back into contention:

• Brockin' out for 21+
• James "holy shit shut the fuck up about God" Conner blaspheming for 26+
• Davante grabbing 37+
• Evan Jaggin' off for 12
• A fuckin trio of 16ers with Scary Terry, Jaguaires, and Kali Ma'imi

And that just opened it up for Air Force to fight back with 30+ from Kyren Williams, 13+ from Tyreek, and blah blah blah, you can see the boxscore yourselves for the actual breakdowns.

The point I'm trying to get at is that this fucking matchup was the talk of the group chat. And we had it all come down to Sunday Night, and Geno fucking Smith.

Just like we all knew it would.

And I can't believe it. No one could believe it. Air Force pulled it fuckin off thanks to a very last minute drive by Geno Smith in a game he would ultimately lose for the Seahawks.

The fucking championship was decided 170.2 to 170.8

If you weren't following this at home, I don't even know what to tell you. This was compelling shit. The only acceptable answer, is that you're bitter and hate the World - and given that it was New Year's Eve, that's actually a very understandable emotion to be feeling.

Congratulations, Commish.

https://i.imgur.com/JXxl6Jn.png

I fucking dare you do it again.

You won't.

Fin.

Well shit. It's over. It's done. Another Fantasy Football season is dead and gone.

I don't know about all of you folks, but I had a blast. Sure, my record may not indicate the best of times and instead, the blurst of times, but it's always a joy to check my roster by Sunday evening, curse some sort of higher-power, watch the primetime games and then run it all back the following week.

It's also an absolute joy when I get inspired to include some sort of fuckin weird intro to this column that may not have anything to do with Football. Whether it's my annual gripe about Cheese or Timezones. Maybe it's another food ranking or another story that serves to demonstrate how far we've strayed from God's light. Whatever it ends up being, it's a joy to write and I hope it helps bring a smile to your fuckin faces for those of you who choose to follow along.

So good luck in 2024, everyone. I hope it's everyone's best god damn year, and I look forward to running all of this shit back in August.

But let's not rush there for the love of God. Time passes way too fucking fast nowadays. I hope we all get a chance to savor some of it.

That's right. FOUR.