Yeezy come, Yeezy go

It's October Luckswing Time!

I hear that the month of October is supposedly the most important month of the year for Major League Baseball.

Until November, at least.

Why am I bringing up America's Pasttime in a column dedicated to Fantastical Football?

Well. Because it's my fucking column and I wanted to bring up a horribly curated list of baseball player & fan interactions after someone came and hugged Altuve.

I want an interaction with an Angel.

Pagan.

And if you think I can't connect this shit with the NFL, we _just had_ a situation a couple weeks ago when Bobby Wagner truck-sticks some flare-smokin dipshit (not a fan).

So what other fun ones are there? Well, there's probably dozens and dozens, and I'm *definitely* not going to put in the legwork to get them all. However, I'm a little bored, pretty baked, and I just cracked open a New England IPA, so I might as well work off the top-of-the-dome for some video searches.

Malace at the Palace

Patriots fans are the GOAT

You know what ...

[JOE: You know, I completely lost interest in this section because:]

DAAAA JANKEES LOSE!

HANG THE BANNER!

FUUUUUCK YOOOOUUUUUU YANKEES.

Give Judge his pinstripes for breaking the team homerun record. Then take them the fuck back because he had a single fucking hit in the entire ALCS. What a god damn loosah.

Also, I'm sure you've all heard about it, but let's all join together and laugh at the Yankees' complete failure.

Yoooo, what the fuck? The Yankees organization is officially god damn fucking *broken*. The Yankees are a fucking Institution. It doesn't matter if none of the active players on that roster have zero connection to that 2004 squad. They're the fucking same *organization*. Whether you were a Yankee from the 20s, 30s, 40s, etc.. all the way to present day, you had a fucking ring to connect you across that entire franchise's history (exception is Mattingly, who I guess won as a coach eventually).

It's fucking wild to me that people believe that Aaron Judge earned his pinstripes because of his homerun record. Sure, it's fucking cool to see it bested .. by one .. But it's still not what Yankees earn their pinstripes for. You gotta god damn bring it during the postseason. Even this bitter, salty, shithead of a Red Sox fan can appreciate and respect that growing up, after the hilarious and kinda campy and/or raunchy sports movies of the 80s and 90s, you had all those mother fucking Yankee movies from "back in the day" available.

And fuck you, of course I watched some of them. Who hasn't seen the Pride of the Yankees?

Jesus. Look at what that fucking franchise has made me do. I actually feel pity for the fucking Yankees. They've gotten spanked by the Astros so many fucking times - although I don't see what the issue is, in 2018 it wasn't that tough to put Houston down - so many fucking times that I feel like NYY fans just don't actually know how to process this type of futility. It's something they have no comprehension of.

MORE LOSER MEMERY

        Yankees 🤝 Mariners    
Getting swept by the Astros in 36 innings

Record breaking achievement: Yankees are now the only team in MLB history to lose five straight LCS appearances.

All right. That felt good.

Politricks Corner

Source

Big PP Energy

To continue flexing my ability to write about multiple sports in a single column, let's talk NBA.

And no, not any *active* NBA players (what, why would I? The season doesn't even start until something like Christmas, anyway).

Instead, I bring you The Truth.

When you look up, "living your best life" in the phrase-o-pedia, that above tweet better fucking be what's shown.

Girl Talk

I got no jokes, only praise.

source

Here's the replay. Good for Brockton, good for the team, good for the parents, and most definitely: good for her. That's fucking awesome to see.

I fuckin hate how confident this dude is

What the fuck do you even mean, Russell? Like, I get it. Wolverine has regenerative properties that ultimately make him fucking immortal in the Marvel comic and cinematic universes. It's really fucking cool, it makes for some insane debates and potential 1on1s, but like .. when you say shit like,

AND THEN DON'T FUCKING START THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY, THAT MEANS YOU SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP AND JUST DRINK YOUR DUMB-AS-FUCK RECOVERY WATER.

And actually: what the fuck kind of name even _is_ that - like, anything you drink to hydrate yourself after strenuous activity is "recovery" liquid. I guess you could say I'm drinkin some recovery beers after all the chores I did Sunday morning,

What an asshole, jesus fucking christ. Dude shot his way out of Seattle, got exactly what he wanted in a landing spot with Denver, and now he's fucking cowering away while blaming a god damn hamstring. RUSSELL WILSON DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING RUN ANYMORE, HOW THE FUCK IS HE AGGRAVATING A PART OF HIS BODY THAT HE HASN'T ENGAGED SINCE THE 2015 SEASON???

FUCK.

QUICK MATHS

MATHS OVER.

Black Friday

What the fuck.

This is fucking horseshit.

First of all, the Thursday Night Game shouldn't fucking exist outside of god damn fucking Thanksgiving, The NFL Season Opener, and maybe one or two Thursday night games to show off the NFL's viewer influence.

But the fact that we have to fucking deal with fucking TNF games in perpetuity without the fucking NFL even trying to alleviate the issues that cause insanely poor quality matchups, pisses me the fuck off that a day about celebrating near unconsciousness after binging and gorging the day before now has a fucking football game involved.

I don't know about you guys, but that Friday was always the day I would build up my karma reserves with my (or Rachel's) family. Spending time with them. Maybe fuck around with some activities. Perhaps go for a hike, have a lunch out, take advantage of any unseasonably warm temperature, shit there was one year I took my sister shootin guns,,, there's so much familiy-oriented activity for the day to have it replaced with what will be the worst fucking quality matchup that November will see?

Fuck you jeff bezos. Fuckin smooth domed, smooth brained, mouth breathing, designer HGH taking, evil villain wannabe.

Get fucked. It's fucking embarrassing for you to flex your wallet when in reality, you're just another non-NFL-owner bitch.

NFL TIME

All right, enough of me blabbering on about what I assume pop culture is

Thursday Night Football Game

Yo. I do not have any recollection of who played.

Saints?

aaaaaand ... shit.

Thank god I don't get paid to do this.

Oh wait, it had this guy right?

BOROWNS @ Ravens

Things were lookin .. good? for the Browns to start. I had started a prestigous member of the Wolfpack in Briskett so I kinda had high hopes for a high scoring game that the BOROWNS would eventually lose (no free wins for Deshaun the Sexual Assaulter), but shit didn't really go that way. Don't get me wrong, Jacoby was nice and accurate with no turnovers but jesus fucks, them BOROWNS seemed like they just wanted to give this fucking game _away_.

Buccs @ Panthers

What the fuck? Tom came back, for this?? If you're getting a divorce, at least make sure you get the refs, Tawmmy.

I was so angry that this was the only other game available via broadcast, but it ended up being that dumpster fire of a car wreck that you just couldn't turn away from. Actually, that would be an insult to dumpster fire car wrecks, which surprisingly can retain a lot of value.

This game was more of a complete undressing of a squad filled with professionals.

And no, I'm not talking about Dancing Bear.

Like .. the Panthers don't have CMC anymore. Did Todd Bowels possibly forget about that minor detail?

If the Buccs own a panic button, I think now's the time to smash that motherfucker like it's the god damn antidote.

Falcons @ Bungles

Falcons potentially have,

Outstanding young receiving corps

• Potentially one of the better overall tight ends in the league

In the last four games, they've combined for 17 receptions.

And Sunday was National Tight End day.

For shame.

Compare that with the Bengals, who are fucking squeezing every last bit of ability from Mr. Burrow,

Joe Burrow is the youngest player in NFL history (25 years, 317 days) to have multiple games with at least 480 passing yards and 3 TDs. Previous record: Ben Roethlisberger (32 years, 238 days).

Man. What an absolutely, incredibly, talented, first name.

Loins @ Cowboys

Good fucking Lord, Detroit. Holy fucking shit. I just do not understand the psyche of a Lions fan. There is a coworker I have, he's a great guy, really smart, so many positives .. but he's a Lions fan.

Detroit absolutely fucked themselves over so badly. Just incrediballs. I guess most discussion about them will start to involve who they're taking with the first overall pick.

Since I don't really give enough shits to talk about Dallas, I'll share a personal favorite Lions meme,

Did you know: JFK has only missed one Detroit Lions playoff win?

NY Football Giants @ Duvall

I'm absolutely terrified of the second coming of Eli Manning. The one who will deliver and fulfill the 3LI prophecies.

What an absolutely batshit win by the Giants. They're 6-1, with a rookie coach, danny boy, and of course the quadfather.. oh wait, having a dominant running back makes sense. What an awful joke I attempted.

Lolts @ Titans

Titans grabs a fifth straight win over the Colts. And like,, this game was a shitshow. Congrats to the Titans. Kings of Shit Mountain.

I guess this means that Ballard and ~Fourth~ Frank Reich are gettin fired? Yeah, let's go with that.

Oh. And Matty Ice is done-zo.

Packers @ Commodes

Looks like Washington finally got the memo about the NFC BEast.

And damn, fuckin Packers. They lost all right. And next week they have the Bills. No amount of microdosing your farts can get you out of this, Rodgers.

J-E-T-S @ BONROCS

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT, YOU DON'T LIKE BIG TEN FOOTBALL!

Terrifying ugly win. Sure, it's always great to see the Broncos suffer a bad loss, but at what cost. Fuck. Losing Breece blows. I feel for the kid.

Oh. And they lost Alijah Vera-Tucker. Holy fucking attrition, Bat Boy.

Texans @ Daaaaa RRRRRrrrraaaaaiiiidurs

Josh Jacobs.

Sea-tl @ Charge

I think it's time to call it:

Chargers have been deemed, Most Overrated Team for the millionth fucking season in a row.

Of all the treasured traditions of the NFL, crowning the Chargers are preseason Super Bowl favorites is possibly one of the most under appreciated. The consistency in that franchise, despite them moving area codes, is truly something to draw inspiration from.

Chefs @ 49IRs

Welcome to the San Francisco, CMC! Hold that L.

This KC team is fucking terrifying. I'm so glad that Brady was able to dominate Mahomes early in Patrick's career when people had the best chacne.

Steeeeers @ Phish (not mammals)

Kind of like when you have Breakfast for dinner, it was kind of neat to get a Thursday Night Game on Sunday Night.

Big fan of Miami's gameplan. I feel like I modeled my high school career in the same way:

Consistently make horrible decisions with no consequences, and still pass.

Brrrs @ Greatriots

I can't fuckin believe that Belichick substituted Zappe in for Mac. Like, I'm in complete and utter fuckin _shock_. It seems like such an un-Bill thing to do unless Mac was legitimately playing like a complete meth-head out there.

Probably needs some more of that magic dust Brady has hidden in the locker room.

But seriously-ish: What the fuck is Bill going to do about Mac vs. Zappe. As much as I love his energy and ball placement, Zappe Hour reminds me of Minshew Mania. I really hope I'm wrong about it, but there's no way that the dude has a higher ceiling than Mac. In Belichick I Trust, but I'm a little shaky at the moment.

Weekly Recaps

W - 136.16 (3-4) Descreeto Burrito

L - 91.9 (0-7) Playoffs?!? Win a game!

Not to alarm anyone, but I do play in at least one other league, and in it I was 0-6 going into week 7. So I understand the weird combination of pressure as well as no pressure to win. Like, the main point of our existence in those leagues is to serve as spoilers.

Unfortunately, there ain't much to spoil for someone who's 2-4. I suppose there's always still a chance but gaht damn it's a long shot.

I suppose if you're gonna go ahead and whip out 136 fuckin points then that's a pretty god damn good start. Now you're back to one game within .500 and breathing life into the season. Kudos to you, you crazy descreeto burrito.

L - 88.6 (3-4) 2Girls CooperKupp

W - 129.04 (6-1) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

Oh my. What started off as not that close Sunday Night, ended up even less closer by Tuesday morning.

Not sure exactly where the fuck everything went wrong - looking at 2Girls CooperKupp's roster, there's a pretty nice smattering of 10+ and 15+ totals. Usually, I see like 4-5 players earning 10 or more and can do the quickmaths and know they'll be scoring 100+.

But this result. I don't fuckin know how to really express the absolute disconnect between production and result.

I'll do my best using this visual aid I put together:

I hope things are clearer now

W - 120.64 (5-2) Poopy McGee 💩

L - 95.7 (3-4) Lost Cause

Man. For a team with only four losses, you're far from a lost cause.

Shit, you need at least 5 losses to consider yourself one of them. So I find it very misleading, and maybe a little itchy, to read your team name despite what happened this week in your matchup.

But that aside, let's jump in and figure out what happened.

Mmm. Mmmhmmmm. Yes, of course.

You started a kicker on BYE despite having one on your bench that wasn't on a bye. Not sure if you noticed this - in case you hadn't, let me share a screenshot:

I don't want to pick on you, but I also purchased https://youprobablyshouldhavestarteddanielcarlsonovermattgay.com to serve as a reminder for the next couple of years.

Hey look! Kyle Pitts! He's on another team! Doing nothing!

Oh right, as far as the winner this week, uhh. Good job. Good effort.

And obviously, I'm referring to the Texas town that is finally rid of a the horror wrought by this bandit,

L - 139.92 (4-3) Ethel St False Start

W - 149.22 (6-1) S3xy Randal Pharoah Wizards

What the fuck is happening. I can't believe this fuckin squad is winning god damn games.

Actualy, not just winning god damn games, but topping 149 fuckin points.

That said, I guess he's just not man enough to hit 150. Not many people in the league are even capable of such a performance. I'm not one to brag about my artful ability, but let's just say that I can perform at the highest possible level.

Now, to return to our pairing of betas, let's examine some very delicate details that people should understand:

ETHEL ST FALSE START HAD LITERALLY EVERY FUCKING PERSON ON HIS ROSTER SCORE AT LEAST 10 POINTS AND YET HE STILL LOST. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I'D GOD DAMN THROW MYSELF OFF A FUCKING BUILDING. JESUS TITTY FUCKING CHRIST, THIS DUDE SCORED ENOUGH TO LITERALLY BEAT EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE LEAGUE (except me but disregard that) AND LUCKY HIM, HE GOT TO FACE ONE OF THE TWO OTHERS THAT SCORED MORE.

God damn. What a fuckin kick in the balls.

L - 107.2 (3-4) _ LACES OUT

W - 158.02 (2-5) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

Oh hellllllllls yeah! TWO WINS BABY. MAKE ROOM CAUSE I WON'T STOP UNTIL I MAKE IT TO THE TOP. And no, I don't care if that's not actually even possible. Everyone said that ADIDAS would never drop Ye until they did.

So you fuckers better watch out. My lineup can rip shit up, including all y'all's' anusesses.

In conclusion,

POWAH RANKING

Loki

1a. S3xy Randal Pharoah Wizards (6-1)

Dude keeps fucking winning. You're barely 2 points off from second place in Pts For at 933.16 but are almost an entire game away from Team DJ BOMB SQUAD.

1b. Team DJ BOMB SQUAD (6-1)

You should probably be in first since you're the only team that's topped 1000 points. But I'm also a fuckin dipshit.

Wandavision

3. Poopy McGee 💩 (5-2)

Josh Allen. Stefon Diggs. Derrick Henry. Gaht damn.

She-Hulk

4. Ethel St False Start (4-3)

Oh shit. Joe Mixon, Barkley, and Dalvin Cook? Them's some noice Arby's.

What If

5. Descreeto Burrito (3-4)

Welcome to the win-streak club! We meet on Sundays and stress the fuck out trying to decide which of two Quarterbacks to start.

Moon Knight

6. _ LACES OUT (3-4)

Good luck this week against that fucking psychopath that's in spot 1a.

7. 2Girls CooperKupp (3-4)

I still can't believe I'm seeing Geno Smith leading a roster and projected to score 20+. What the fuck.

Ms. Marvel

8. Lost Cause (3-4)

Eno. ENO. ENOOO. EEEEEENOOOOOOOOOOOO!

9. Shelbyville Shelbyvillian (2-5)

Oh fuck yeah, I've doubled my wins. GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY.

Falcon and the Winter Soldier

10. Playoffs?!? Win a game! (0-7)

Good fuckin God. Seven losses. And you don't even fucking have a bad roster either. Holy fuck, Fantasy Football is such a bitch goddess.

Fin.

Bam. Boom. Done. Damn.

[snaps fingers]

Holy fuckin shit. October is basically done-zo. Last weekend. Halloween fast approaching.

I hope everyone has their mother fucking costumes - especially them kiddos out there. Last minute costume shopping is fucking risky. That's how you end up going as a Go-Bot or some shit.

Well, good luck with that shit everyone. Much love and adoration. The season has been eventful and the participation, more than adequate. Let's rock this week 7, except for whomever I'm going against: I hope you fucking lose.