Welcome Guys, Gals, and Non-Binary Pals!

Writing this from work ain't so bad - but it gets harder and harder to convince managers walking by that the memery on my computer is absolutely essential to keeping casino dot draftkings dot com up and running smoothly.

Something like that.

Why am I writing this from work? Because I'm on-call for the casino web product at the company I work for, and we gotta make sure shit is in tip-top shape! It's pretty fuckin fun, to be frank. It's fucking exhausting, especially Sunday's marathon from 10am to after midnight. But hey, they take pretty good care of us, we got some sweet swag, we got fed, and we had all sorts of fucking rad dashboards to watch.

Hah, that's actually my setup - on the top right is my actual notebook where I tried jotting shit down about each game.

I'm fairly sure that's about all I can say before I start to require NDAs to be signed. So yeah, hope everyone who plays, enjoys their online gambling. And for people who don't use my company, I hope when you're building your next LEGO set, and you get to the part where you have to put a sticker on a block, you miss-align it just enough that you have to try picking the sticker back off, but it was too stuck on so you kinda ruin the stickiness of that sticker, and you totally don't end up putting it on straight anyway. So now you have a misaligned sticker where a corner will start unpeeling any day now.

Be thankful that I am a merciful God.

Getting back to whatever I should be talking about, thankfully, I've given myself absolutely zero fucking preseason reps so if my spelling and/or grammar is a complete fuckin dumpster fire, it's not my fault. All fingers may be pointed directly at the front office.

Speaking of offseason, I just wanted to brag about a couple of acquisitions over the summer: I am a proud owner of a house and a wife. I couldn't be prouder of myself for finding a human woman capable of tolerating me for extended periods of time. From standing my farts to holding me when I cry from that fucking miracle performance on Monday Night football last season, I truly am blessed (major 🔑).

I definitely am very interested in this whole originalist concept of land owners are the only ones who can vote. I find this actually quite useful in that it serves as a very important motivating tool: you come to terms with the fact that we're like .. all fucked, man.

[sobs loudly and wetly]

So yeah. House! Wife! Hooray! \o/

Gems

Load up everyone,

NOW LET'S GO

Bills @ Rams

First game of the season, and it was such a sloppy pile of wet baby shit.

Sure, the Bills looked like World beaters, but the fuck does that mean after week one? Congrats, you have at least one win for the 2022 regular season.

But at least they ain't the Rams. Holy shite, what a dumpster fire during your ring ceremony game.

I should have more for this one. But I don't.

Oh wait!

Hah.

Pats @ Miami

I watched like 4 cumulative minutes of this game since I was at work, and I feel like I got the gist of just how fucking terrible the Patriots were.

The only way the Patriots did anything was via tactical barrel roll. Unfortunately, due to laziness and complete digital control, highlights of stuff is fucking impossible to find.

Fuckin Tuanon truthers are out in force for their QB today. Or wait, yesterday. No wait, day before yesterday.

Hopefully I released this on Tuesday.

[Edit: He did not.]

Saints @ Falcons

Just go look at some previous Falcons matchup recap. The fuckers squandered away yet another sure-fire win. Incredible shit.

I went ahead and made the following:

There's no reason for me to believe we have any Falcons fans in the league, but I think we all understand completely just how absolutely historic the Atlanta Falcons are at squandering sure-fire wins. For grasping a loss from the jaws of victory.

Browns @ Pound Kitties

Browns got away with fuckin robbery. I guess it pays to have an aggressive and violent sexual predator quarterbacking your team (run Jacoby, you're too pure for this fuckfaced franchise).

Item 3. Stopping Clock. A player under center is permitted to stop the game clock legally to save time if, immediately upon receiving the snap, he begins a continuous throwing motion and throws the ball directly into the ground.

Item 4. Delayed Spike. A passer, after delaying his passing action for strategic purposes, is prohibited from throwing the ball to the ground in front of him, even though he is under no pressure from defensive rusher(s).

source: https://operations.nfl.com/the-rules/nfl-video-rulebook/intentional-grounding

9ers @ Brrs

What a sloppy, wet, and wild field this was played on. And to think, they'll have 7 .. no wait, 8? Fuck, in a 17 game season, how the fuck does everyone play the same amount of home games? That's fucked.

Stillers @ Bungles

From what I've read, this was basically a Steelers/Bengals game from the 2010s but on prozac. It was just as intense, but with zero sexual energy whatsoever.

Iggles @ Lions

Fuck. Wanted Lions to win.

Lolts @ Texans

Colts won, but everyone lost because Wentz still has a starting job.

Ravens @ Jets

Llamar is good.

Jets are not.

Jags @ Commies

No wait, Wentz is on Washington, rigth? Fuck, I probably should have studied for this NFL season.

Gints @ Titles

oh my god, there's more games to go over?

Yeah, I gotta be honest, I ain't got shit for this.

Zona vs Chefs at Zona?

Please, stop. I can't do this. I'm f ucking exhausted.

Raiders @ Charge

Fuckin Chargers.

no wait, fuckin Raiders.

Oh. It's both.

Pack @ Vike

Kirk has a winning record against Rodgers. I think. I'm pretty sure it's not just against Green Bay, but against Rodgers.

Ahhh. Who fucking cares.

Buccos @ Boyos

Mr. Plastic didn't do too badly quarterbacking Tampa Bay, and really he barely had to do anything given how absolutely horrific the cowboys played.

Land donkeys vs. Seadonkeys

Genius Smith doing his best out there actually has .. the Seahawks fucking winning going into the fourth quarter? The fuck is happening?

This is great! Broncos can't help but embarrass themselves and I'm here for it - all the way to the very end. What the fuck was that? A 64-yard attempt?? Does Rhule not Rhemember they have Rhussel Wilson??

Week One Recap

W - 142.08 (1-0) Poopy McGee 💩

L - 126.9 (0-1) 2Girls CooperKupp

Welp. That pile of poo is on fucking FIYAH with a 142 point performance. Josh Allen and Stefon Diggs could cause some big ol' tiddies worth of trouble out there - fucking 64 (and change) points combined. What the fuck.

This team is in not bad shape going forward. That is my analysis.

As for 2Girls. Stat Padford may be throwing to Cooper Kupp, but he definitely ain't performing the same as Cooper Kupp. Nowhere close. Especially if - and I'll try not to make this take too hot - the rumors are true and we should expect Statthew Padford to literally collapse and die on the field.

But hey, you have Justin Jefferson and D'Andre Swift .. holy fuck, they did just a teeny bit better at 66.9 (nini.ce).

Damn, after looking at your bench, if you get a QB who doesn't just dribble piss down their leg because their shoulder literally can not grip his arm bone thing, shit might get fucked up.

W - 146.62 (1-0) Ethel St False Start

L - 138.12 (0-1) McCorkle Ascendant

OH MAN, WHAT A LOSS. That's a serious just kick in the fuckin' taint of a loss. Like .. you get kicked from the front, so the shin just smushes your testicles against either your lower stomach causing you to stretch your sack, or it's the middle of a taint foot sandwich.

...

Yeah. So football.

Them Ethel St. False Flag fuckers got some absolutely great points up and down that fucking roster. Hurts. Mixon. AJ Brown. The Quadfather. All fuckin outperformed their PROJ numbah by a lot. Fuckin clutch, yo.

McCorkle. Just kind of brutal. You basically started the most optimal lineup so at least you got a small undocumented, hard-working win there.

L - 94.96 (0-1) Corpus Callosum

W - 103.58 (1-0) Kupp Runneth Over

Who the fuck scores less than 100 points? Gaht damn, man. What happened to you?

I don't mean to just pile on, but shit dude, this type of performance has earned a much coveted award I keep forgetting I have available since I made it way too long fuckin ago:

Fuck dude. I hate going over these kind of boxscores because .. I FUCKING SCORED 130+ POINTS AND I FUCKING LOST TO A BUNCH OF FUNKY SANDIWCHES OF SHIT. WHAT THE FUCK.

Yeah so, Kyle Pitts was a disappointment, right?

Shit man, outside of each team's franchise player going off, the rest of each roster just couldn't click and produce - with Trey Lance essentially matching Tom Brady. Fuck that hurt to say. Or type. Yeah, type.

If you ask me, I think a lot of this matchup showed was that preseason is tantamount.

To something. What does tantamount mean?

L - 102.92 (0-1) _ LACES OUT

W - 126.12 (1-0) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

What the fuck is this underscore shit. You trying to perform the weird version of code injection to fuck something up? I swear to Gawd, if you bring this site down, I'll just have to rely on Heroku to clean the mess up for me. But yeah, underscore laces out. Some wild shit.

Well I'll be damned, Joe Burrow had himself a terribad day of interceptions so color me surprised to see him with four of a kind: 22.22 points.

It would appear that it's probably just best to nod and carry on. So I'll do just that and brig everyone's attention to, THAT GUY RIGHT THERE!!

Holy shit, some Godsmack just came on my Spotify random playlist/radio dealie. This brings me fuckin back to when you could construct a cd like a taco bell menu:

you can put together 12 tracks/a full menu using 4 different chords/4 different ingredients.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

[hits bong]

L - 131.56 (0-1) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

W - 140.6 (1-0) electric avenue shit sandwiches

I fucking hate this shit.

I did not just spend all but a cumulative total of roughly 7 minutes working while games were being played, for me to also not get to enjoy my fantasy performances. What the fuck. How do a bunch of god damn shit sandwiches muster up 140 points??

Fucking non-optimal lineup having loser. God damn this stupid fucking hobby. Fuck this god damn shit. Fuck this league. I swear to God, with Superman as my witness I will win more games than I lose, and I will make it to the promised land.

Fucking god damn it.

Great win, you loaf of shit sandwiches. Like what the fuck. 44.9 points from Kermit the Mahomes. Fuck. AND YOU HAD CAM AKERS STARTING. AHHH FUCKING SHIT.

I do not envy dealing with Akers and Patterson; Trying to determine which of the two is the best to start each week is going to age you at like 14x the normal rate anytime you try thinking about it. You gotta watch out for the free radicals those fuckers will blast your ass with.

...

FUCKING FANTASY FOOTBALL. I WANTED TO WIN.

Fin.

Welp, that was a fun week one.

Congrats to the winners, stop being a loser to the losers. And everyone who didn't join the video chat, I'm very disappointed in all of you. It was fuckin fun and we even had some old timey judge fucker show up with a gavel.

Hope no one here minds if I go ahead and narrate another one of these fuckin seasons. Was a fuckin blast last season watching everyone eventually not win a championship. Because if I can't be happy, then no one should be.

[cough]

Sooo. Happy second week everyone. Much love, stay safe and go out and get your summer fuckery out of the way cause that Equinox is comin in hot with autumn right on its heels.