Vote or Die

Snyder selling team?

I hope you read about this elsewhere because I ain't got shit for you all this week as far as extra bullshit.

Which might be a godsend for some, a sad state for others.

Rage Against the Machine

I found these bootleg videos that I can't stop fuckin watching. Since I have a much larger opportunity to spread awareness to the random bullshit that I specifically enjoy, I'm going to jump at the chance to share:

All of them are just outstanding performances. They just pour out energy and I love it all so very, very much. Couldn't be more proud to say that I got the opportunity to see them perform twice.

NFL

Well slap my nuts and call me a bad word, YouTube TV has RedZone available for free today! Oh me, oh my what a glorious little option to have. I want to thank the Patriots for absolutely bitch slapping the Colts (as always) around so I could turn away

Philly @ Houston

The worst World Series game featuring these two cities was significantly more entertaining than this TNF snoozefest.

Since this is tangentially related to Baseball, I'll just remind everyone about:

• Momentum in baseball lasts until the next starting pitcher
• How can you not be romantic about baseball?

I don't care if the Astrisks won it all. It was a really fuckin fun World Series that made me feel like I was being shaken violently .. and I ended up walking away with an erection, discovering something new and exciting about myself.

Peace out baseball. Time for the seamheads to eat some ass and hibernate.

LAClippers @ ATLIENS

Herbert was not going to let the Chargers lose.

And unsurprisingly, the Falcons wouldn't either.

The Falcons week-to-week performances remind me of the movie documentary classic, The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down (or Speed, for all you snobs):

If they ever go too far above or below .500 then the ghost of General Sherman will return to burn down the entire state of Georgia, and then give the Falcons stadium a Coca-Cola enema through it's decepticon butthole roof.

M.I.A. @ Chitown

Easily the best Bears victory in years.

This fucking Justin Fields guy. Looks like the Bears finally got that guy that's got that dawg in 'em. Absolutely wild that there really wasn't much for "bursts of greatness" by Fields in each game. The highlights really seemed super few and far apart from one another.

And then Mr. Fields was baptized by the greatest to ever walk the sidelines.

After surviving the hellfire. After looking into the face of Palpatine's and Satan's lovechild, William Belichick and return alive.

Justin Fields got that dawg in 'em.

Pound Kitties @ Who Dey

It's Who Dey, right? I'm pretty fuckin sure that Who Dat are the Saints. So yeah, I'm trying to be clever and may have fucked it up. Oh no, why am I typing this? No no, football now

Joe Mixon.

Shooter McPherson still looks shaky tho.

PACKPACKPACK @ Loins

They called it a "get right game". Turned out to be a get right fucked game.

Rodgers just kinda shatted all over hisself.

The Lions seriously suck ass. Sure they started out hot and fun like a drunken gropefest. But eventually the Spin Reaper comes and someone pukes in the mouth of the other, you all know how it goes.

What I'm trying to get at is that the Lions just aren't that good - so for them to pick of Rodgers like three times in the god damn red zone is fuckin nutso. Enjoy your early Christmas, Lions fan(s).

Probably should have held onto Adams.

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrraiders @ Duval

McDaniels fuckin suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

Lolts @ Greatriots

Defense + kicker = win.

Colts are so fuckin bad. The Pats offensive line is a bunch of sticks, pillows, and peanut butter all duct taped together, and somehow they kept shit together well enough for it all work out just enough.

Ehlinger fuckin blows though. God damn that was fun to watch. Nine god damn sacks.

But Mac Jones may actually have something wrong with him.

And that something is named Matt Patricia. Sure he's some sort of rocket engineer or some bullshit, but who the fuck cares? He's an NFL coordinator. The fuck he gonna build rockets for? How about you devise a fucking offensive playcall that takes advantage of the few things Mac can do well. It's like he cobbles some bullshit together and then copies half of the Raiders' previous gameplan.

C'mon Bill (under his eye). Fix this shit.

Bill's @ Jest

There is a new coin of destiny:

Vikings @ Football Team

A really fun matchup between the Tinfoil Griller, Mr. "You like that?" himself: Kirkelodeon leading one team, and Taylor "the love child of Heineken and Meineke" Heinicke.

I have to give both teams credit, they proved the doubters wrong and actually played a game worth putting on Red Zone today - with the following absolutely ridiculous reception in traffic:

Some would blame the ref, but that just meant it was a 2.25 on 1 coverage situation. As in: that motherfucker Samuel shoudln't have come away with that fucking ball.

Speaking of gameplay, how about them WFT Unis?? Holy fucking sex, they are absolutely beautiful. Give me more quality aesthetics, please.

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Now that's what I'm talkin about!

Rainy City Bitch Pigeons @ Cards

Ditch Russell Wilson and proceed to kick some fuckin NFC West ass. "Let" Geno Smith is 6-3. What a way to rebuild.

We truly are experiencing the Genaissance. Pete Carroll is displaying some incredibly Genovative game planning and play calling to have this fuckin Seadonkey team leading their division.

Have I mentioned they traded their franchise Quarterback before the season?

Ramses @ Tampa Brady

Tom Brady press conference talking about the game:

Oh. No wait. Let me get the actual press conference:

Tom better enjoy this win as much as he can because he's gotta travel over to Germany a game against the Seahawks in motherfuckin' Munich. Despite the record, we all know that Tom could use his current adversity to come out swinging haymakers in Germanland. Should be a great game.

Titties @ Chefs

Malik Willis: 5/16 for 80 yards.
Patrick Mahomes: 43/68 for 446 yards.

How the fuck was this ultimately a 3 point game? Seems mildly insane.

The Titans were seriously one Todd "dipshit" Downing dumpster fire offensive gameplan away from actually getting a win. The fuck they running streaks for? The fuck they not getting dragged to a dub by Tractorcito?? Why was he on their bench??

Baldimore @ NO

RECAPS.

W - 136.7 (3-6) 2Girls CooperKupp

L - 132.6 (6-3) Poopy McGee 💩

PARITY STRIKES. Thanks to a fucking incredible showing by 2Girls CooperKupp's RockinRoster, this absolutely razor-thin margin went 2Girls' way. Incredible 4D Director's Cut Galaxy Brain move by starting a fucking wide receiver in your flex position. Personally speaking (which means this will be completely devoid of intelligence), I always prioritize:

1. Quarterback (if superflex)
2. Running Back
3. Wide Receiver
4. Tightey Endy

Yeah I know, pretty groundbreaking shit. But if I were in charge of this squad, I would have started James Robinson and been motherfucking livid that I lost because of my rigidity.

All that said, Poopy McGee 💩 put on a performance of points. Absolutely one of the outputs of all-time.

L - 133.88 (4-5) Descreeto Burrito

W - 139.12 (6-3) Ethel St False Start

First off, as wild as that 5-touchdown performance was by Joe Mixon, did you even see the post-game press conference he had? He didn't have it in the normal spot indoors - you know the spot, all that branding on the background, athlete sitting at some table with one or more robo-dick-mics in front of them, boring questions being lobbed like someone distributing paper towels after a hurricane.

Shit man, you didn't? Here's a crazy photo of the event,

Fuckin wild. I had no idea that the Bengals even had their own six-ton Skorsky VH 3A "Sea King" private chopper. I always thought the Browns were a cheap as FUCK family. But I've been wrong this entire fucking time. Wow.

Now, in case you haven't given up and actually are still reading, I'm currently doing this recap at 7:29 PM EST on Monday Night - and holy shitty ass,

THIS RECAP COULD GET REEEAAAAAL SPICY BY THE TIME I'M DONE.

Oh shit. There's 90 seconds left in the fuckin game and I haven't checked this matchup at all. Fuckin whoops, hand up: my bad.

Before I open up the matchup, I wonder if Descreeto Burrito was able to keep on spicin' on and get himself an incredible victory despite Ethel St having a Mixonian performance.

GAME OVER

Welp. Descreeto Burrito was not able to keep the spice.

L - 101.0 (7-2) S3xy Randal Pharaoh Wizards

W - 120.84 (7-2) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

FUCKING SHIT MAN. ANOTHER RECAP DEPENDENT ON THE MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL GAME??? FUCKING SHIT. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

Tomorrow is Rachel's fucking Birthday dudes. I can't be fucking spend time tomorrow working on this shit

Maybe I'll just make it up and hope it works out for the best.

JOE SIDEBAR

(Warning for Mike: if you're reading this, I guess maybe you do car).

My usual writing schedule for this stupid as fuck columns is:

• do a ton of heavy lifting Sunday/Monday
• I wrap up everything, photoshop, proofread Tuesday
• publish on Wednesday
• hope ✝️ and pray 🙏 that Mike likes it

Sidebar over.

Yeah. So this matchup. It was close, right? I guess Kamara kinda botched the shit out of this one, and Justin Tucker kept a fairly decent lead even more decenter.

L - 85.62 (3-6) _ LACES OUT

W - 107.06 (4-5) The Njoku's on You

There's a lot to like about Fantasy Football:

• It's fun
• Keeps you in touch with old chums
• Provides opportunity to make Sundays interesting
• Allows people to be clever
• Seth's new Team Name

I'd like to think I'm clever, and I'm frankly going to write in this sentence that I am pretty clever (thanks, me)!

But this Team Name is why I love following the entire league week-to-week. Of course, I wish I could follow my own team close enough so I didn't suck literal shit through a rusty septic pipe when it came to standings - but I prefer to use my limited energy soaking up drama. Sweet. Life-giving, participation-driving drama.

OK. With that whole dipshit introduction over (the fuck was my point?), really the main takeaway from this is:

I love both of these teams. I love this matchup.

Why?

Because I can write about it fully before halftime has even started on Monday Night. I really appreciate you both ❤️

L - 106.2 (2-7) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

W - 153.84 (2-7) Second Half Sleeper?

Oh come the fuck on. I slave over a steaming hot Macbook to create a slew of,

for you, Glorious Leader Commissioner, and you repay me with placing your foot up and into my anus??

I'm aghast. I'm appalled. I'm clearly not taking this as seriously as you are. I'm Joe.

AND I'M FUCKING DESPERATE

gib. pls.

Fin.

We did it! Week 9 is done.

And thank you for reading this stupid piece of shit column that I wrote all by my lonesome! If you've made it this far, then hopefully that means I'll see you next week - whether these things are just piles of shitfuck, or you genuinely care about my fantasy team, or shit, maybe you gone thinked I write good.

Either way, these stupid fuckin things are a ton of fun to put together - so whether you're here against next week or what, I'll still be here, keeping your spot warm with nice, heated, bacon-wrapped-steak farts.

Wait, what was that? Where are my Power Rankings? Why, I never thought you'd ask!

They'll be out later in the week. I needed to speed through these shits so I can concentrate on my lovely wife and her birthday! Don't worry, I'll share a gofundme link where you can subsidize our lifestyle.

So take care out there, I hope everyone's finally getting a chance to enjoy the transition to colder weather (loved waking up to high 30s). Crack a window and think of me, staring at you from behind the door.

Much love, stay happy and healthy, and with any luck we'll make it a couple more days before we start flinging shit at each other like distinguished primates (obviously, we all would have on little suits).