Trying is the first step towards failure

Hey hey party people!

So this week, fuck going over all the games - I ain't got that kind of time, so instead I'm going to just free-flow a bunch of garbage and still end up with some behemoth 2,000+ word shitshow of a column.

If you're all ready, let's just into some ridiculous shit that happened over the last week - and as usual - just ignore the fact that week 6 already fucking started because fuck Thursday night football.

We had a chance to politically strangle that monster in its infancy when in 2007 the NFL Network had exclusive rights to broadcast the final regular season game between the Patriots and Giants. People lost their fucking minds to the point where John Fucking Kerry stepped in to pressure the NFL to god damn fucking figure it out and allow everyone to watch that fucking game.

Ultimately the NFL caved and they simulcasted the game nationally on both NBC and CBS, but the damage was done. The absolute fucking power the NFL had realized was never going to go away. Shit man, there was a time when we'd only have a small handful of Thursday Night NFL games per season. What wonderful times were those.

The league struggled to get people interested with stupid fucking gimmicks like Color Rush, and the annual Jaguars vs. Titans dumpster fire game.

Then you had the historical matchup to bring awareness to colorblindness by absolutely saying "fuck off" to color blind people with the legendary Jets vs. Bills showing,

God damn stubbornness of the NFL eventually forced it to be on every week starting in 2012.

Why am I complaining this much about it? Well, the Thursday Night game has always been a thorn in my side because it serves as the line of delineation between one week of football and another - and god damn it, I couldn't always get this column out by Wednesday or even Thursday sometimes. And to release this column recapping a previous week when the next week is already in progress brings great shame to my family name.

Oh. And player safety or some shit. Yeah, it's definitely the player safety.

Fuck you Goodell. I will always fucking hate Thursday Night Football. Unless it's Thanksgiving. That shit rules.

Dirty Sanchez

So like,, what the fuck was that shit??

The timeline of that whole debacle was a fucking wild ride. I get a text message update about some news regarding about Mark Sanchez in critical condition after getting stabbed a bunch of times.

What the fuck? Dude kinda seems likable, that's wild shit! What on Earth could have even led to this shit??

Turns out that may have been a direct quote from the incident

So like any terminally online asshole, I hop on over to the very niche Mark Sanchez subreddit at reddit.com/r/dirtysanchez to get any updates.

Turns out this news was originally leaked by some dude on a Colts subreddit, so I follow that trail and the same guy actually said that Police expected to fucking arrest the motherfucker soon.

AND THEN HE DONE GOT HIMSELF ARRESTED AND CHARGED FOR SOME FUCKIN FELONY FOR BEATING A DOORDASHER HALF TO DEATH.

The man notorious for sneaking hotdogs on the sideline like a Polak secretly rippin darts in an airport bathroom, and World reknown for an event simply named, "The Butt Fumble" has gone ahead and fumbled yet again.

But this time, he's fumbled a bag so big that he's going to probably get prison time and will need to fade into deep obscurity all because he just couldn't be satisfied with some alleyway wind sprints, he had to pretend to be a traffic cop.

Dumb fuck. Just become a real cop, and then you could literally beat people to death and easily get away with it. Stupid stupid stupid.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Jankees lose!

The World Celebrates!

Haaah ahahahaha. It's a few days passed, but I simply will never tire from the joy of watching the Yankees go another fucking season with no World Series. The mystique is all but fucking dead and gone. They are currently in their second longest World Series drought. Aaron fucking Boone is now the manager that has gone the longest without winning a World Series. Fuck that franchise to the ends of the Earth.

That Cam Shittler thought he was a hot motherfucker striking out 12 and eliminating the Red Sox. Grew up in Walpole or some shit and was quoted saying he's happy the Sox were gone. Well guess what fucker, YOU'RE THE LOSER OF RECORD FOR THE YANKS GETTING ELIMINATED.

NOW GET IN YOUR FUCKIN TEAM BUS AND GET THE FUCK OUT

Greatriots @ Bluecows

I may not go over all the games, but I sure as hell am gonna go over the official return of the GREATRIOTS.

THANKS BILLS. IT'S ALWAYS A GREAT TIME TO FEEL VALIDATED BY BEATING THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR TEAM.

It was probably the most excitement I've felt as a Patriots fan in like, 3 fuckin years - and yeah yeah yeah, I know, we frankly do not deserve to complain about futility for maybe another one or two decades, but to have our team as a whole play really well and secure a win against the cream of the crop of the NFL is unbelievably satisfying.

I mean shit, look at how happy some of our fans were,

Anyway, you thought us dickhead Patriots fans were insufferable from 2001-2020, just wait for the second coming. Our belligerence shall rise from the Mayo ashes like the Phoenix.

Loose change

I got a bunch of other memes, so I figure I should share those.

49IRs

That fuckin team has zero rushing touchdowns. Can you fucking believe that?? They're fucking 4-1.

Even wilder is, the only other team in NFL History that had won 4+ games in the first five weeks without scoring a rushing TD is ... the 1990 49ers. They went 5-0.

Baker Baker big ol' tiddie Maker

Now that's a fuckin Franchise QB. How the fuck does someone move on from this guy?

Cardinals

Oh wait, they're 0-3 since a certain event. Curious.

Ravens

Yo. What the fuck is even going on?

Edelman, you've done it again!

OK. Let's recap some matchups and shit

W (3-2) My Guys
L (3-2) darnold's pizza kitchen

Looks like mr darnold's pizza kitchen is a significant casualty of the BYE week blues. Yikes. The replacements he threw in for Bijan and Brock only got 5.6 points. EWW STINKY.

Even Trevor "hot chick" Lawrence couldn't have saved you from the slow plodding pace that My Guys seems to operate at. God forbid our glorious Commish ever gains up to his top speed. Thankfully he has scrubs like Pearsall and Zach "holy shit hee's so bad it" Ertz on his roster for whatever reason.

PS. Just realize My Guys is dual wielding rookie running backs. Is there some sort of dexterity buff from doing that because his initiative is driving up some wild RB scoring.

L (2-3) TreVeyon My Wayward Son
W (4-1) Ready, Willing, and Vrabel

What fuckin matchup we got here. Ready, Wiling, And Vrabel wins by the skin of his teeth (teeth have skin??) to keep pace with the best this league has to offer.

And this shit came down to Monday Night as well, which always makes it fun for us outsiders-looking-in to follow along in the anus-tightening action.

Wild to think that TreVeyon My Wayward Son just might have captured the win if that final play by Lawrence didn't get all fucked up. While some people believe it was a run play for Etienne Jr, I'm pretty sure given how the OLinemen moved (not cross line of scrimmage) it was supposed to be a pass play - but who knows, maybe it would have been to Travis.

Personally, I would have loved it if Mahomes fucked up and tossed a pick at the very end to drop him 2 points.

But who the fuck cares, because I don't, it's not like I'm in a better position because of this.

L (2-3) Two hotdogs one bun
W (2-3) CMCR1P1

Oh my god, I'm only 33% through these fuckers? Oh god. OK.

Well, at least this shit was an outright blowout so it's not like I can get too mad at anything here. Actually, because I'm not going to heap any praise on the team that features such a heavy representation of the NYJ offense, I'm just going to share a couple very risque Yankee elimination memes,

oh. wait. they're all just referencing 9/11. hmm

W (4-1) It hurts how much Olave you
L (1-4) Slava I Crain

And it looks like once again, THE HAVES WIN!

CONGRATS AGAIN TO [borat voice] MY WIFE! Keep that shit rolling babey, I need you to win this whole thing so we can afford to keep the heat on for like... one or two months because mother fucking oil prices keep going up, and given that now we have a kid there is just another heat-soaking parasite in the house that just won't put on another fucking sweater.

COUGH oh excuse me. What I meant to say was holy shit, 151 points? I haven't seen a number that large since last recap where CMCR1P1 got 150. What a run.

L (2-3) Gibbs and Take
W (4-1) Shough It Dude Let's Go Boweling

Shough It Dude Let's Go Bowling holds onto his very razor-thin 1st place lead by scoring a shitload of points. Something that my advanced analytics predicts is difficult to do when you don't have two players that SCORE 30+ FUCKING POINTS JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK.

Who would have thought a team that lost god damn Llamar Jackson and CeeDeez Nuts would still find itself on top of shit mountain.

Better luck Gibbs and Take next week. Perhaps you should have tried something better than only having one 30+ point scorer. Just a suggestion.

W (2-3) The Lying Media
L (1-4) Doug Flutonian

OOOOH YEAH THAT'S RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER. I FUCKING SCORED A LOT OF POINTS AND DUE TO MY EXCESSIVE POINT SCORING AND POSITIVE DIFFERENTIAL VERSE MY OPPONENT THIS WEEK, I CAN CLAIM MY SECOND VICTORY OF THE SEASON IN A MATCHUP THAT FEATURED TWO COMPLETELY LOST FANTASY FOOTBALL SOULS.

Obligatory weekly comment about how I fucking lost Joe Burrow and Old Man Aaron Jones Sr., with Scarry Terry McLauvin unable to god damn get on a field. Not sure if I've mentioned that shit yet.

Oh, and I'm also carrying World-reknown Football Terrorist, Geno "Ayatollah" Smith. The man absolutely robbed the fuckin Las Vegas Raiders.

I know there's not much of a bright side Doug Flutonian, but if there's something to take solace in, it is the fact that you're the lynchpin that proves our Fantasy Football league is the sole inhabitant in a sane reality. From the NFL, to the tens of thousands of Fantasy Football leagues out there, this is the single one in existance where Daniel Jones is appropriately failing to win games. If you were anything other than 1-4, the entire fabric of reality that we know it would collapse on itself. So you have that going for you, which is nice.

Fin.

Welp. Week 5 is dead and gone. Bring on week 6 and everything it brings with it!

Take care everyone, I hope you all stay happy and healthy for at least one more week, after which I'll remind you all to do so again!

And let me be your weekly reminder to not leave Halloween costume decisions to the last minute like I most likely will. If you have children or pets that need stuff, don't wait it out - and make sure to buy all the candy you need as soon as possible so you can eat most of it by like, the 24th and need to buy it all again.

Speaking of Halloween candy, anyone have any person preferences? Do you go all chocolate-based? Do you get some sour patch kids and twizzlers thrown into the mix? Do you prefer to only give out licorice and tootsie-rolls, and if so do you enjoy cleaning up all the eggs that will find their way onto the siding/windows of your home?

Personally, I'll take it all. Give me the S-tier Reese's, Snickers, Kit Kat, and Sour Patch Kids. Give me the A-tier Milky Ways, M&Ms (it's a classic, what), and Twizzlers. Give me the B-tier 3 Musketeers, Crunch bars,, ok I can't list them all - but just give them all to me.

...OK. I need to consume some sugar. Time to make me a nutella, banana, nutella, and peanut butter nutella sandwich.