These are hard to come up with
The Greatriots Rise
INSUFFERABLE LEVELS ARE RISING TO UNSUSTAINABLE LEVELS
Let's fuckin gooooo. A little messy of a game, but who doesn't enjoy a little slop?? A win is a win!
¡Dios Mio, Los Delfines!
Me? Tune in to a 930am game to watch these two fuckin teams??
Carolina Cats
I honestly can't fucking tell if I should give a shit about either of these two teams. The Falcons are just a frustratingly inconsistent team that's loaded with incredible talent between Bijan al-Gaib, Drake "some great britain joke" London, and Kyle "do we care about" Pitts.
But those Panthers? Maybe...
Blue Cows Ride On
This asshole runs for 3 tiddies, tosses 3 tiddies, and has a couple of the worst interceptions possible. Josh Allen is a fuck riddle wrapped in an enigma with a rocket arm and built like a tank.
Ewwwww, who fuckin cares
Blackout Bears
THE BEARS ARE IN FIRST PLACE???
Holy shit, poor Vikings fans. You had Sam Darnold and Kirk Cousins, and while they aren't exactly world beaters, they were consistent enough to grab a bunch of dubs for the team.
Unlike JJ AKA Nine. He stinky doo doo.
Packpackpackpack
Ahhh. Hmm. I guess the better team won, but god damn did I really wish I could have witnessed a Jameis win.
Instead, we got a quintessential Jameis loss.
I'm struggling to find any sort of memery because any/all NFC East content are complaints about motherfucking Kevin Patullo. I didn't even fucking know that human existed.
A Second Spitter
I ain't sharing the video of Chase, because holy shit he hokked up a loog like I've never seen. God damn nasty shit.
So instead, I'm going to just show a dramatization of Mr. Washington going H.A.M. on the Bengals D,
So Bengals, how's the outlook for the rest of the season look?
God Loves Jags
Sham Darnold
Stick to baseball, Cards
I ain't got shit for this one. Who fucking cares. It's the NFC West. Those teams are so fucking far from me. East Coast bias for life.
Shadeur Legacy Game
Shadeur is most likely starting in week 12 and will be the 42nd fucking quarterback starting for the Browns since 1999. That's 2.6 QBs per season making a start for the Browns - and that's with four seasons with fucking Baker Mayfield. Although he missed 3 starts in his rookie year and 2 starts in his fourth year.
I refuse to Bo-Lieve
Oh shit, the Broncos won?
I hate the Broncos, and them losing would help the Patriots' AFC seeding. But also any loss for the Chiefs helps the Belichick/Brady legacy. I honestly was in a real tough spot for this game, I hope you all can understand that I'm feeling a bit emotional now.
OK, that feeling is over, time to rag on the dipshit Chiefs,
IGGLES FLIGH HI
So, I do my best to follow the NFL as a whole, but it's really not my job or significant [matt] forté since you know, I'm a dad of one, a job-haver, suffering from a crippling Fabergé egg addiction, while waffling between pride and regret being a homeowner.
So as part of my ever-learning experience, I've learned about a Mr. Kevin Patullo.
How?
Through memery, of course,
And how are Eagles fans handling being 8-2 and #1 in the NFC?
Some would say there are two types of Eagles fans:
And don't think the Lions will get out of this recap portion with just a loss on their record. Those motherfuckers shatted the bed with such a fury, the fans of the Motor City had their dongs spinning like the wildest lemon party you'd ever seen.
Dem Boys
I do not fuckin care about this snooze-fest.
Recapulations
W (8-3) Shough It Dude Let's Go Boweling
L (7-4) Olave it Hurts
Shough It Dude survives a week without Jonathan "Tim the Toolman" Taylor thanks to a standout 1-2 punch from Pickens and Cook who's combined power almost matches the Binford 6100. Which was frankly essential to earn that win given the Home Cheapot quality performances of Llamar and Emeka Egbigboo.
Brutal loss for Olave it Hurts who missed out on an incredible opportunity to capture the top seed in the standings. Absolute pathetic performances up and down the roster - something I got to witness first hand. It was like being able to watch the Hindenburgh from the inside:
Jalen Hurts completely shit the bed. Amon-Ra put up a pathetic performance akin to his regular losses to Apophis and then need the other gods to help them escape, like a bitch. And of course, before ever going Worldwide, Wan'Dale Dale Dale ended up stuck at the border.
Rachaad White is just a bitch.
L (2-9) Slava I Crain
W (5-6) Two hotdogs one bun
Two hotdogs one bun really saved his puckered assbut thanks to dual wielding a couple incredible 30+ point outputs from running backs, Run CMC and Sean Tucker "Must Die" - although what really helped him out was that Slava I Crain just absolutely shit the bed like was the eldest boy,
The ultimate fecalometer in Jacory Croskey-Merritt really demonstrated that he starts for Slava I Crain, he loses his matchup 87.5% of the time. Now, I'm not trying to pick on this roster - I'm just saying that Jacory is such a god damn asshole running back.
For example, there are roughly 112 active running backs in the NFL.
There was roughly 8,000,000,000 people in the World.
To be an NFL running back, you're in the top 0.0000014% of humanity.
All that said, Jacory is a much better person than fantasy football running back. And I hear he's a pretty great person.
W (5-6) Doug Flutonian
L (5-6) TreVeyon My Wayward Son
Holy hot damn. Doug Flutonian you somehow survived the Josh Allen Experience (sponsored by TreVeyon My Wayward Son)! Not only that, you Brocked it like a hurricane.
And thank god, because otherwise you'd be spending much of your time staring at that load of points you left on the bench in Gainwell? "GAIN GREAT".
Better luck to The Wayward Son, perhaps with Tyler coming back, and a better Ladd performance we'll get more Josh Allen Parsons Project - which would have been a fucking killer joke if the god damn Cowboys hadn't made that fucking senseless trade earlier in the season.
L (7-4) Ready, Willing, and Vrabel
W (6-5) My Guys
Once a titan of the standings, Ready, Willing, and Vrabel has fallen,,,
To second place?? Oh. I guess nothing's changed, he's still a titan of the standings. No changes despite the absolute heartbreaking loss.
I guess it didn't necessarily have to be this close, but I can't honestly tell which side should have had a better performance.
Ready, Willing, and Vrabel had the better projection but who the fuck truly underperformed? Achane did well. Rashee Rice is not as good as people keep saying he is. Rome Odunze's projections were probably provided by his dad. And I constantly forget DeVonta Smith even plays in the NFL.
So I guess My Guys really got lucky with this win since Jeux Flacceux got figured out by the Steelers, Ashton Jeanty is on perhaps one of the worst NFL teams we have, and David Montgomery was participating in the Lions game that featured throwbacks to their 2008 season.
W (7-4) Gibbs and Take
L (5-6) darnold's pizza kitchen
Well well well, lookie at who just took over 3rd place. Obviously I have to display no bias if I'm looking to be a reputable member of the media.
Thankfully, I haven't any such desire.
Gibbs and Take, you rotten scoundrel. What kind of chicanery are you partaking in to edge out this win? How could you have possibly scored this many points? Sure, you have premiere running backs in Jahmyr Gibbs and Tractorcito. Of course, you have an emergeging superstar in Drake London. NFL MVP candidate Stat Padford? Yes, he's on your roster. And then significantly high quality roleplayers? You have a few.
Despite all of those, how on Earth could you have topped 119 and earned a win with .. uhh .. Will "Fourth" Reichard?? The pieces simply do not fit.
darnold's pizza kitchen. The revolution you were promised by Bijan al-Gaib did not materialize. Some would point their fingers at the Christian you left behind or the Brownies you ignored. Not me, of course, but some would.
L (4-7) CMCR1P1
W (5-6) The Lying Media
Some would say it's better to be lucky than smart. But I'd beg to differ and insist that those people have never met a gypsy cursed idiot like myself.
Despite all the voices I hear in my head and lost loved ones in my dreams, sometimes I make the biggest and stupidest gambles and actually have them work. Sure, I left a disturbing amount of points on my bench with Chase Brown and Travis Swift, but that doesn't mean I won't also start some absolute random asshole in Michael "WILSON! WILSON!" Wilson.
And that gamble netted me 33+ fuckin points that actually wasn't the difference between winning and losing. I could have left the slot empty. BUT WHO CARES.
All this talk about gypsy curses is simply a distraction from the true scandal brewing on CMCR1P1.
Now why would the biggest Baker Hater on the planet acquire this particular player? Was everything just a smokescreen in order to allow him to buy low? Is CMCR1P1 going to rip off his luchador mask and reveal,,,
Or will we witness, in true Al Davis throwback form (to when he was very much, still alive), he is very grudgingly benched.
A man. A competitor. A Baker. Benched.
STAY TUNED FOR MORE.
Fin.
One more week behind us, and we are that much closer to the end of yet another regular season.
But also, one more week closer to the start of the mother. fuckin. playoffs.
Awwwwww
Yisssss
I almost can't fuckin believe it, this time just kinda god damn flies by. It seemed like just yesterday the Patriots fuckin sucked, losing to the god damn Raiders and then fumbling 18 times against the Steelers. Now Drake Maye's all grown up, Cardi B is the Patriots first lady, Jayden Daniels looks to be the third best QB drafted last year, Bo Nix is the new Tebow, and still no one remembers the Titans.
As excited as I am to see what 2026 brings, I truly can not wait to first see what's in store for the rest of this year. We don't have all that much time left with Thanksgiving right around the corner and Joe Burrow returning to save the late game. Soon, we'll be getting Saturday NFL, and then before you know it, the NBA starts up and just as time continues to chug on, so does the sporting seasons.
Good luck in week 12 everyone - see y'all at this same time and place for some semblance of a column before/on/after Thanksgiving. God knows what it'll look like, maybe it'll be a sentence, maybe just a random video, but content is content.
Take care everyone, stay safe, and stay warm .. or cool.. whatever you want, I'm not your dad.