There's nothing wrong with having a tree as a friend
Sandy pigeons
Let's start the season halfway point down in Sunny Mee-ah-mee where the Dolphins are doing their best impression of big fat honkin' boobahs in that they are made to absolutely suck. Tua Isuckallovah is back in rare extremely common form, playing like absolute trash.
I'm so god damn psyched for the three remaining Miami Dolphin primetime games we have.
The Baldimore Ravens appear to finally be back in their absolutely horrifying form to close out the second half of the regular season before they turn back into some sort of pumpkin and choke away another playoff loss.
Flacceux Can't Deux It All
Let's travel on up to the new Factory of Sadness in Cincinatti where those home fans were able to witness two of the most gut-punch losses anyone in the entire history of the NFL had the privilege of experiencing.
Zac "The Fool Man" Taylor is one sad sack of shit after going from a Super Bowl appearance to whatever you would want to call this atrocity of a high school defense. All that miserable fuckin Bengals team had to do was tackle. They managed to scrape together one miracle in an onsides kick recovery, only to piss it completely away after Caleb Williams the sack of shit bears tried to do so themselves.
McCarthyism is alive and well
I swear I caught some of this game.. And it was a good one? Lions fought hard, but the Vikings .. the Vikings uhh. Oh who fucking cares. Blah blah blah, Gibbs and Montgomery sucked.
...
You know what, this week ain't it.
Real life decided it was time for the v-tek to kick in and now I'm absolutely jacked to all hell with work to keep my ass blasted when I'd usually be trying to steal some time to write.
Then of course there's this whole family thing I have going on, that now includes a second bun in the oven (girl #2) that also demands attention.
No, I'm not quitting midseason like Antonio Brown, you don't have to worry about any attempted murder charges and having to extradite me from a country that actually has no extradition treaty with the USA, they simply just got tired of his shit. I just have way too many fuckin things in the oven right now and need to make this week a little more brief.
[writes 1500 more words because this is an addiction]
Only six fucking innings??
Anyway, best I can do this week is rant and rave about how despite the amazing World Series that we just saw, the Dodgers fucking winning means that the owners have what they need to demand a salary cap - something that that most powerful union on Earth will oppose. And so we may just get a fucking player's strike, which means we ain't getting 162 games next season.
Shit man, we might get another no-World-Series. That fucking sucked in '94, and it's going to be an absolute disaster now given how exciting baseball just got for so many sideline fans. Incredible playoff runs, awesome storylines, dipshit teams rising from the ashes to make deep postseason runs, and of course, the incredible Shohei.
Actually. I need to talk about this Shohei guy. Yes, what he's doing is incredible. He's probably the greatest Baseball player any of us will ever see, and possibly, the greatest to ever play at this point. What he's done as a pitcher and hitter is legitimately unbelievable. His 50 steal, 50 homerun season was fucking bonkers.
But I need to talk about that NLCS clinching game where he pitched 6 innings, struck out 10, gave up only 2 hits as well as slapped 2 dongs and 2 doubles.
I think all those numbers are fucking incredible, and if a pitcher just did the pitching portion and a hitter did the hitting portion, we'd be talking about the performance for a long time...
But like,,, 6 innings? Why the fuck is this considered a laudible number? I fucking hate how 6 innings is now something that's praised and loved. It's fine. It's serviceable. It gets you through 2/3rds of the game and hopefully the relievers can get through the three remaining innings and give that starter the win.
But fuck man. It's frankly the minimum.
You want to impress me as the starting pitcher? Go at least 7 innings. You go 7, and maybe you have a killer closer that takes 6 outs, and bing bang boom, that shit will tickle my balls and impress me. Otherwise, leave that 6-innings out of the fucking headline.
Frankly, I feel like I've been scarred by a certain pitcher the Red Sox had that put up statistically an incredible season all those years ago:
Dice K.
In 2008:
- he went 18-3
- 2.90 ERA
- 5.4 WAR
- 4th in Cy Young
But the motherfucker had zero complete games. And on average, 5.76 innings per start. That fuckin guy constantly would go at most 6 innings and change before getting his ass pulled. That shit drove me nuts. In my eyes, it makes that 18-3 and sub-3 ERA so much less impressive because he would barely have to go through the batting lineup more than 3 times, if that.
I enjoyed his tenure, and was psyched he captured a ring the year previous in 2007 - but I was always so fucking frustrated at that paper tiger. Frankly, I thought he was kind of a fuckin fraud because of how early he kept getting pulled.
Just to get an idea:
- 6.2 innings (3 times: 4/1, 4/8, 5/17)
- 7.0 innings (3 times: 4/30, 5/10, 8/13)
- 7.1 innings (2 times: 7/7, 7/22)
- 8.0 innings (1 time: 8/29 - data is truncated but available elsewhere)
Motherfucker went over 6 innings nine times (31%). And only hit that golden number of 7+ six (21%) times.
Fuck, just looking at this shit again got me all worked up again.
MAYBE IF YOU SPENT LESS TIME WORKING ON YOUR DIPSHIT GYRO BALL, YOU'D HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HIT 200 INNINGS FOR THE FUCKING SEASON.
Anyway, in conclusion, ABS is going to ruin base stealing in Baseball.
Recap dat ass
W (4-5) CMCR1P1
L (2-7) Slava I Crain
Fuckin heart-break from Slava I Crain as Jacoby Brisskett just wasn't enough to carry this god damn team back from the dead to the promised land that would be the third win of the season...which would have been fucking absolutely fucking insane. Don't get me wrong - I fucking love Jacoby - but starting Jacoby over Bo Nix?? Slava I Crain, do you seriously not Bo-lieve?
Instead, the Baker Hater himself inched himself ever closer to mother. fucking. FIVE HUNDRED. How sweet it is - 7th place ain't the best spot in the World, but you know what? IT'S BETTER THAN 8TH, 9TH, 10TH, 11TH, 12TH. And I think it's in the stupid fuckin playoffs.
Not a fuckin bad result for a week where the Quadfather and Breece "last kid in the" Hall ride the bench for their BYE week.
W (4-5) Doug Flutonian
L (6-3) Shough It Dude Let's Go Boweling
Well shit. Shough It Dude Let's Go Bowling got shown the foughin' door in week 9. Who does he have to blame? definitely his namesake: Jon ..athan Taylor. What a fuckin asshole of a scrub. Everyone was blowing so much MVP smoke up his asshole it started fogging up his eyes or some shit because he fuckin sucked asshole against the fuckin Steeeeeers.
Lucky for Doug Flutonian surviving a week where Indiana Jones animorphed his ass back to Daniel Jones - and that was with leaving Maserati Marvin on the bench. If that Harrison motherfucker has any say in who starts for the Cardinals, Kyler ain't never seeing the field again.
What the fuck is up with that Donkey Kong Metcalf, by the way? How the fuck does that bitchass get 16.0 points projected and not even top 3.0? The fuck is that, huh?
L (6-3) Ready, Willing, and Vrabel
W (6-3) All of it Ertz
Well shit. We have a tie for first place again - now I don't want to make it sound like I, the media, have any sort of bias or some shit, but congratulations to my lovely wife who is both very intelligent and cool!
As far as this matchup as a whole goes .. fuckin eww.
No, not because Caleb was left on the bench, that Bears quarterback sucks asshole. He makes the simple look fucking hard as hell, and backs himself into success like some Mr. McGoo motherfucker. How the FUCK does he get away with running for a first down and burning the last timeout while the team is so far outside of field goal range during that game against Cincinatti?? That should have been it and earned him so much fucking deserved scorn.
Anyway, it's ugly because what the fuck was that shit from Patrick Mahomes? What a god damn dick. And then you got a goose-egg from Rome "wasn't built at all actually" Odunze?? I'm frankly shocked the Bears even fucking earned a point after that ludicrous display.
Olave it Hurts at least topped 100 points but god damn, everything up and down that roster was just .. meh.
But who fucking cares? A win is a win is a win.
W (5-4) darnold's pizza kitchen
L (3-6) Two hotdogs one bun
darnold's pizza kitchen was the highest scoring asshole of the week on the back of Brock Bowers finally getting his ass back on the field. Seriously, why not build the entire roster out of Brock Bowers? It's not like the Raiders would actually win any games, but it would make for a fantastic offense.
..actually, how would that be scored in Fantasy? Would you have to draft/pick up on waivers all the individual Brock Bowerses? Or could you just draft the single Brock Bowers and earn the cumulative total of all the earned fantasy points? That'd be fuckin nuts to have Brock Bowers pass to Brock Bowers for a touchdown and you get all the passing yards, receptions, and TD passes, TD receptions. And of course, you can't forget all the kicking Brock Bowers can perform.
I dunno, that honestly seems like cheating to me. I think it's high time someone look into this darnold's pizza kitchen and his Brock Bowers shenanigans he thinks he can pull.
Then you got this Two hotdogs one bun motherfucker who .. maybe could have pulled off a win if he had started a couple different players than Travis Hunter and Evan Engram.
The Travis Hunter one is forgivable (wait what the fuck - HE'S ON THE IR?? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HIM? WHEN!?), but Evan Engram over Sam LaPorta-potty???
PS. CMC is pretty good I guess, could you imagine being lucky enough to grab him with the first overall pick!?
W (5-4) Gibbs and Take
L (4-5) TreVeyon My Wayward Son
Yadda yadda yadda, two .500 teams entered and only one team left .. over .500
I swear there's a better way I could have phrased that, and even made it funny or some shit but I ain't got that kind of time and energy so I'm just going to say that Tyrone Tracy Jr. is such a fucking asshole. I had him last year hoping he'd break the fuck out and he can't do god damn fucking shit. He has all the chances in the world this season and can't even capitalize.
The dude is the living embodiment of backup quarterback syndrome. Just let him walk around holding a clipboard and keep him off the god damn field.
Huh. I feel like Justin Jefferson hasn't really been doing all too much this season, but while he doesn't seem to be hitting his projections most weeks, he's been insanely consistent scoring 12+ points every fuckin week.
W (5-4) My Guys
L (4-5) The Lying Media
Fuckin rad. My fucking freaky talented Tight End is now done for the fucking season and I can't find a god damn second wide receiver to save my fucking life. Kimg Jong Un was able to execute his own fucking Uncle but I can't seem to part ways with Terry McLaurin even though he displays as much life on the field as Uncle Un.
I'm so fucking happy that My Guys seems to be heating up now that he's taken out the Bolton Family Household in consecutive weeks - you gonna fucking beat up on my 16-month-old daughter next? Maybe kick my dog? Drown my stupid asshole jerkfaced cat? God damn man, you swiped Joe Flacco right from under me and my absolutely pathetic $3 waiver bid, and then bench him despite scoring like, 48,103 more points than the one-armed bandit Jayden Daniels. I can only assume this was done to mock my complete and utter inability to not do the stupidest possible fucking move in fantasy.
Anyway, congrats on the win, Glorious Commissioner. May you find glory in this life or the next.
Fin.
Welp. I was hoping I wouldn't have to sacrifice levity for the sake of brevity, but it looks like I ended up the opposite: another long, rambling column that wasn't that funny.
But oh well, if you made it this far that means you fuckin read it anyway, so haw haw, fucking got you, bitch.
And in case it wasn't bad enough, we are now officially halfway through the NFL season, which means the awful games are really truly going to be absolutely dogshit to watch because teams are really going to be completely out of hope at this point, and it's only going to get worse.
But hey, at least the holidays are coming up, right!? Everyone loves dealing with worsening weather, less sunlight, seeing problematic family members, and trying to meet gifting expectations! So buckle up fuckers, shit's gonna get wild.
Unless your plans are ultimately cancelled like so many thousand other travellers this holiday season.
Either way, stay safe, stay warm (or cool depending on wherever the fuck you are), and see y'all next week on this same channel.
Much love.