The year is 2512 and the country has completed the 1000th McCarthy Vote, a tradition whose origins have long since been forgotten

Holy shit, I'm a little late

I BET YOU THOUGHT I FORGOT.

Yeah, I don't really know what happened there .. I'm going to point to two factors in my tardiness in publishing:

1. I guess I wanted to wait and see whether or not the Bills and Bengals might play one another the following day or something
2. There's no Thursday Night Game so the next week hasn't fuckin started yet

Anyway, the weekend is basically here and fuck if I'm going to gahd damn work another late night.

I got this horse shit to care for, love, sculpt, and mold, into dog shit.

Happy 2023!!

It wasn't easy getting through 2022:

• Pretend a global pandemic that's claimed 5 million+ lives isn't still ravaging through countries
• Thankfully mass media helped us out by moving on from that whole kerfuffle when it became ok to strip women of basic healthcare
• There's a fucking war in Europe
• Had to fuckin stomach thousands upon thousands of dead migrants so we could watch a couple dozen soccer games
• The election results were pretty satisfying, I ain't gonna lie - that definitely helped

By the time we hit these holidays, there wasn't much left in the tank,

BUT WE FUCKIN MADE IT.

..despite some of our best efforts..

Again. We made it. We're gonna fucking get there. Together.

After all we went through, we'll finally be able to watch 80 for Brady

This Place Rules

Big Andrew fan. If you haven't, hop on over to the youtubs and scope out Channel 5 (https://www.youtube.com/@Channel5YouTube)

Just to prepare you for the deluge of coverage since he recently released a full-length video on HBO Max about the January 6th insurrection shittery that went on.

If you're already a fan, it definitely provides a lot more personal opinion so it's not your usual Channel 5 affair, but it's absolutely worth it.

RIP

You've been gone from my Android phone since 2020, and with us now in 2023, Dark Sky has been disappeared into the ether, no longer available on iOS.

Fuck you, Tim Apple. Dark Sky was one of the most satisfying apps to use, and really the best weather app out there for years and years.

And you just fuckin killed it.

I HAVEN'T HAD ANY IDEA WHAT THE WEATHER IS GOING TO BE FOR YEARS NOW.

Behind the Bastards

So, I've discovered a lot of really cool content channels over the last 2-3 years, and instead of just keeping that shit to myself I'm going to fucking bludgeon all of you fuckers with the channels.

I know not everyone probably aligns with my personal views on shit - you're only here because I send a link out under the guise of FOOTBALL, you click it and get tricked into reading about god damn Thanksgiving dinner, about cheese hatred, soccer (faux-tball), that elon dipshit, yadda yadda yadda.

With any luck, none of you have awoken from the spell I've cast upon you and are still reading.

And if you are, I'd like to suggest yet another fucking thing to scope out:

Behind the Bastards (https://www.youtube.com/@BehindTheBastards)

One of my favorites, and what got me into the series was about Henry Kissinger.

Part One on YouTube:

If you're interested, either search using your favorite podcast platform or try out pocketcasts (I've been using that platform since 2015):

• Part One
• Part Two
• Part Three
• Part Four
• Part Fiif
• Part Sex

The series I'm currently listening to is about Georgia Tann.

Part One:

Part Two:

Who is this woman? Well, she stole a ton of babies. And then made a lot of money by adopting them away..

Never too early to start thinking of the holidays!

And in case you're one of those fuckin loser nerds that read books (the fuck you doin here? WE TALK SPORTS AND FOOTBALL HERE, NOT GOD DAMN BOOKS), you could scope out:

https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Thief-Georgia-Corrupted-Adoption/dp/1402758634

Hope everyone had a great Public Domain Day

https://publicdomainreview.org/blog/2023/01/public-domain-day-2023

Blah blah blah.

Fuck you, Disney. Bitch-assed Mouse.

NFL

Enough of that bullshit about non-football topics. Let's get to the Holiday gamery!

Big D vs. Big Ts

"So you see Kirk, I simply do. not. give. a. shit. You barely know the rules for the NFL, not sure why the fuck you're even here and not calling college games. I swear to God Amazon probably thought they were hiring Merril Hoge or Jason Garrett or Brandon Weeden or something."

Battle of the Boids

If you only watch RedZone on footballday, you wouldn't have known this game was one that took place.

Due to this, fuck spending more time on this particular portion.

Black n Blue (and a little orange I guess?)

This Black and Blue Division sure has a lot of oranges, greens, and purples.

Thank fuckin God that the Lions won this one, but I'm fuckin terrified for them going against the Packers at Lambeau, next weekend. America deserves this Lions team in the playoffs. Their fuckin fans deserve it even more than that.

Who doesn't deserve anything outside of maybe jail and/or prison time according to one of the hosts of America's top Sports podcast.

PS. I have come to realize that Seattle has to lose a game in one of the last couple weeks for either the Loins or Pack to get in.

..what teams/game am I even talking about in this block? The Packers/Vikings game? No wait, probably the Lions and Bears. That's why I'm shouting out the orange.

Jaggin' off Texans

Dougie P is giving himself quite the chance at CoTY! Let's fuckin go Jacksonville!

Let's Jagg off into the playoffs!!

Denver Dipshits vs. Chefs

Really wasn't sure who to root for.

On one hand, I'm rooting for the Bills/Bengals over the Chefs for the bye-week.

On the other hand, fuck the Broncos so fucking much.

I did enjoy one particular play:

FUCK YOU DOLPHEEEEN

Somethign I'm sure a bunch of people will mention this week would be how the Dolphins streaks have been,

1. 3-0
2. 0-3
3. 5-0
4. 0-5

I can only assume the following week will be a ... tie? Or maybe a win and then a loss in the playoffs.

Unfortunately, Pats are gonna get their cheeks clapped next week by the Bill's.

LATE EDIT: Holy shit, with this coming out on Friday, the section above is so fucking stale and old. God damn. I guess the early bird gets the shitposts.

Lolts vs. GEEEEEEEEE men

THEY DID IT.

THE CURSE. IS. DEAD.

Of course it took a giant fuckin blockhead of a QB to overcome the dumbest display of swimwear possible:

Unfortunately, Kayvon may just have introduced a new curse upon the Giants after .. uhh...

SAin'ts vs. Iggles

Jortsman just couldn't get the dub for the city of Philadelphia. There was much depression and generally unsettling feelings.

Tom vs. Time

Tom grabs the win in this one. Incredible performance: 34/45 for 432 yards, 3 passing tiddies, one rushing.

And yet ... the game came down to perhaps one of the greatest special teams recoveries I've ever done seen:

Yeah. I don't fuckin care if it got called back - if Camarda didn't get the punt off, the Panthers would just decline the penalty and have incredible field position, down by 6.

Outstanding.

One shitty franchise vs. Another shitty franchise

God damn. I wish the loser of this matchup had to do something drastic as a consequene. Like face their fans and answer all their questions about exactly what fuckery they're trying to pull.

The How Dare They Bowl.

PS. Is Ron Rivera a bad coach? Maybe? I guess he did have the benefit of Supercam.

PPS.

Famous athletes kinda fuckin sucks

9ers vs. Raiders

Wait, is Studham that good? Sure he threw two picks, but the Raiders put up 34 points on the 49ers. That's a fuckin rock solid veiny dong defense.

It's kind of wild to think, but if the Raiders had a better defense they'd be a pretty fuckin good playoff team.

Jest vs. Seapigeons

And that completes the Geno Tic-Tac-Toe Revenge Challenge:

✅ Chargers
✅ Giants
✅ Jets

Jets are eliminated. They were 6-3 and riding so fucking high earlier this season, and now with one week left they've been eliminated from playoff contention. Kinda fuckin sucks that really the main villain is the quarterback uncertainty. I ain't got no fuckin clue if they're going to maintain the White Supremacy in the locker room, but I do know if they are lookin,,,

Vikery vs. Packery

Every week, I keep wondering how the fuck will the Vikings get away with this again? And every week, they pull it off again: They remain undefeated at 11-0 in one score games. Incredible.

Meanwhile, Vikings fans still having trouble coming to terms with reality after that one final Jaire griddy ...

Rams/Chargers vs. Rams/Chargers

Ahhh finally, I'm seeing double: Four Chargers logos!

Stillers vs. Raves

Oh jesus, I never ever finished this one.

Josh vs. Joe

You got this, Damar. We're all waiting for you to wake up.

I love good news:

FINALS RECAP

We did it.

Oh sweet mother of mercy, we made it. I don't think we can sustain anymore .. Just look at the landscape,,

Well.. Maybe let's just look at the matchup.

Wtf? - 76.66 (11-5) Ethel St False Start

Wtf? - 95.3 (11-4) S3xy Randal Pharaoh Wizards

..well shit..

What the fuck we do now?

Sure, it's a 19+ point lead. And yeah sure, Ethel St has Joe Mixon going, but S3xy Randal has Ja'Marr Chase (who is projected for more points, actually).

So really .. all we can do at this point is scope out the players and ...

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. fuck it.

The fuck am I supposed to do, recap a fucking on-going matchup like some fuckin sucker??

I guess uhh, well AJ Brown does what he does. Kittle had a pretty neato number at 12.3 and while he underwhelmed, how can anyone be upset that Minshew made a starting lineup? I mean come on, give that man an additional 10 points for the effort or some shit.

It wouldn't get them over the top, but you get the point.

THEY'RE PERFECTLY GOOD POINTS.

Now. Fucking S3xy Randal Pharaoh Wizards.

You mother fucker. God damn fantasy league champion. After what we all witnessed last season. I truly have no words. Yeah, I know that the game still has the potential of being played, but for all intents and purposes, the media is declaring a winner based on the sheer projected point total. Whatever, sue me. Take me to the highest court of the land, and buy me a beer and I just might change my mind.

Now back to this mother fuckin S3xy Randal - sure the top of his lineup sucked fuckin dick and couldn't muster up a measely 10 points.

That bottom five with 10+ points was fucking incredible:

11+, 12+, 20+, 12, 12

Seriously. What the fucking hell, man.

You were so bad last season, and now you didn't even need Ja'Marr Chase to play. The absolute batshit part, is that your bench also outscored Ethel St False Start (YES I KNOW, PROBABLY NOT IF MIXON PLAYED, BUT IMMA SAY WHAT IMMA GONNA SAY).

You could have started most anyone from your bench and only scored more points.. well, any WR or RB.

Fucking hell, man.

Congratulations you fuckin crazy bastard.

Fin.

I touched on the recovery effort of Damar earlier, but I gotta admit: that was some shit to watch on Monday Night .. Frankly, what hit me the hardest was seeing the player reactions. Like they'd seen a ghost. Just pure trauma in so many of their eyes. I really hope everyone's able to get the help and care they need. It's an extremely violent game that they play, and it has to take a massive toll on them both physically and emotionally.

And of course, just like all of those players, I hope any and all of you out there that need someone to talk to, are able to find just that. It's the beginning of a new year, the perfect opportunity to take care of your chicken, take ca-.. actually Marshawn, you take it:

As far as this 2022 season, what a fuckin crazy bitchgoddess of a fantasy year. I should keep better track of the highs and lows in order to make a half-decent retrospective. I'll slap that on the roadmap. You should see that shit byyyyy, 2027.

But until then, congratulations again, S3xy Randal Pharaoh Wizards. Interestingly enough, your greatest possible contributor scored zero points: Ja'Marr Chase is one of the few players that could possibly justify calling the championship round as it is when the opponent has a player of Joe Mixon's caliber.

I read what the Commish remarked, so I'm going to take it that all sides agree on an amicable resolution, and that resolution is we have a fucking-dogshit-worst-like-literal-shit-sandwich-bad-TO-FIRST story here!

But seriously, big ups to Ethel St False Start for being so fucking cool n shit.

And I mean other side of the pillow, cool.
Cool like Sunday morning.
McConaughey in Dazed and Confused, cool.

You know: fucking cool as hell, man.

...

WELP. Happy New Years!! WE FUCKING MADE IT, EVERYONE!

2023 HERE WE FUCKING COME YOU BITCH.

YOU THINK YOU GOT SHIT ON US? WE JUST WENT THROUGH 2020 LIKE THREE STRAIGHT FUCKING TIMES.

Love you guys.