The Power of Friendship
WE GOING IN DRY FOLKS, NO FOREPLAY THIS COLUMN,
Broncos @ Jets
OK. How are these games not starting an international incident? I'm so fucking happy I don't a shit about the London game at all whatsoever. Like, who the fuck gets up for this shit?
I've hated these god damn games ever since I lived in SF and had to struggle to wake up for a 6fucking30am game.
And for what??
Absolute fucking criminal bullshit, trying to shoehorn a god damn football game so early in the fucking morning on a Sunday. I'm sure when I was a wee college lad, I wouldn't have minded crawling from bed to my couch, blasting my brains with several dozen bong hits, and ordering a delicious breakfast sandwich from Ball Square's finest spot, Soundbites.
But I ain't no 20-year-old anymore. Fuck this fucking noise. I have fucking chores to take care of Sunday morning that I've been putting off for the previous 6 days. Fuck outta here with these garbage pail quality games.
Cards @ Colts
Indiana Jones and the Redemption Arc
Sadly for Colts fans, I think we all know how this will end,
Charge @ Dolphin
Holy shit the AFC LEast is on a historic run. Thanks to the absolutely fucking wild adaptation of 11-year-old children's pants into the closets of NFL head coaches, capri pants-wearing HC's have a blistering losing pace.
These fuckin dipshits are 1-11 right now. I mean, sure, rock that shit if you regularly attend leg day. Show off those thicc ham hocks. But these two? What the fuck, they got some twig assed slenderman lower legs.
..and yet, not the worst part of the Dolphins right now. They are a complete dumpster fire, and I'm so fucking excited to watch it happen.
Greatriots @ Saints
AWW YEAH KID. WE AHH SO FAHKEN BACK YOU HAVE NO FAHKEN IDEAR.
Snrub @ Steelers
Holy shit the Browns fuckin suck. It seriously does not matter who they have at Quarterback, it's the same god damn sad result that's produced. They truly are the Factory of Sadness.
Cowboys @ Kitties
Hell yeah, Rico Dowdle! Fuck those Cowboys.
Seahawks @ Jaggin off
I really don't care
Rams @ Pigeons
Ravens. What the fuck?
Watching this team makes me god damn nauseous. Or it's just Pooper Rush's play
Titans @ Raiders
Congrats Titans fans,
Now that your coaching search has begun, might I suggest someone who has very intimate knowledge of the ins-and-outs of your butthole division??
Bungles @ Pack
Who fucking cares.
49IRs @ Buccs
I got an inside source to let me know about a potential mid-season logo change,
Lions @ Chefs
Oof. Fuck off, Chefs. No one wants you anymore.
Bluecows @ Falcons
AHHHH HAHAHHHAHAHAHHAHAHH FUCKIN BILLS HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH
SUPER BOWL WINDOW?? HAAAAHAHHAHAHA
Brrs @ Commies
Holy fuckin shit, what a fucking game. For the last two years this matchup has ended up with a completely wild ending where one team snatches a loss from the jaws of defeat like a billionaire snatching wealth from the labor of the 99%.
Let's get to some recaps, you filthy animals
I told myself I wasn't going to go too wild with this shit. If Major League Baseball can implement a pitch clock to help shorten games, then why couldn't I work some discipline into my planning and not get carried away and vomit out 2,000+ word digital diarrhea?
Fun fact: that 15-inning game was like, 4 hours long, which was the standard length of a simple 9-inning Sox/Yanks game.
W (5-1) Ready, Wiling, and Vrabel
L (3-3) darnold's pizza kitchen
darnold's pizza kitchen just learned the hard way that you need more than two insane performances to win a week. In reality, you need [checks notes] three.
It's absolutely god damn wild that both teams got 68 (darnold actually got 69 - nice) from their QB and RB1 combined. So it came down to the rest of their garbage rosters to earn that win. And thankfully for Mr. Ready, Willing, and Vrabel he had Philly's Dallas go off for what essentially was the difference in this win.
According to my advanced analytics, this significant difference in points scored resulted in a win for one of the two teams, which means 50% of this matchup's competitors lost. Plus C (hahah math joke).
W (2-4) Doug Flutonian
L (3-3) My Guys
Holy shit, what an absolute fuckin kick in the dicky-doo was that Monday Night game for My Guys. Jayden literally lost two fucking matchups because of that fumble of his. I'm sure he's picked up his phone and has been furiously trying to contact Goodell in his Commissioner Chat, trying to get the fumble attributed to Jacory Croskey-Merritt, but keeps getting his messages left on Read.
I'm very intrigued to see when Doug Flutonian will finally give up on MicroMachine Marv. The kid just ain't got it. Not consistently, anyway.
L (2-4) CMCR1P1
W (3-3) TreVeyon My Wayward Son
Justin Fields seriously either fuckin lights it up Fantasy-wise, or absolutely shits the bed like he's Kendall "The Eldest Boy" Roy (spoiler?). And unfortunately for CMCR1P1, he got that doodoo bed first thing Sunday morning. Rough way to start the day after a Luchadorrific Saturday Night.
The one thing I refuse to do is even discuss how starting either Vidal or Henry would have won the matchup. It's unfair to call out things like that because chance is chance and no one can truly predict which players will actually perform better than their projections - so again, I will do the right thing and simply not discuss it whatsoever.
Moving on to topics that I will discuss, TreVeyon My Wayward Son, how on earth did Mikey Penis not score more than Josh Allen?? Bijan and Drake got themselves 30-piece performances. I'm so fuckin confounded how Pnix couldn't hit 20. Oh well, I guess we can chalk that up to the mysteries of the universe.
PS. Just Kidding Dobbins has been wildly consistent this season until he had to face the gang green team. What that means for the future, who the fuck knows.
L (4-2) Shough It Dude Let's Go Boweling
W (3-3) Two hotdogs one bun
Two hotdogs one bun got 10+ from every single fuckin player on his roster. Holy fuckin shit. He did so well that his Christian McCaffrey got the 49IRs first fucking rushing tiddie of the season this last week. Fuckin legendary performance for the team named after the meme I don't fucking want to think about right now .. oh shit, too late.
(it's the meme about poop)
Which brings me to Jaxson "Shart" Dart.
That is all. I just wanted to shoehorn a shart reference - I feel like that may be the first time I ever have. It wasn't graceful, it wasn't pretty, it wasn't organic. But that's what makes it so meaningful.
L (4-2) Olave it Ertz
W (3-3) Gibbs and Take
Wow. Losing a week of fantasy football? Olave it Ertz brings great shame to her household. I don't know how I will explain this to her daughter.
I'll probably spend most of my time explaining that it was due to a particular Monday Night Football game where Drake London simply could not be stopped. He ran roughshod through the Bills defense in a picture-perfect recreation of General Sherman tearing through the south burning a path to the Atlantic ocean.
Man. What I wouldn't give for a modern day General Sherman to █████ ██ █ ██████. ████ ██ ████ █ █ ██████. ████████ ██████ ███ ███████ ███ ███████ █ █████████! ████████? █████, ███ █ ██████ ██ ███████ ████. ██████ █ ███. █. █. █. █. █. █. ██████████ ██████ ███████ ██ ██████ ███ ████████!
L (1-5) Slava I Crain
W (3-3) The Lying Media
On the backs of D'Andre "be" Swift and Rico "don't" Dowdle, this dipshit writer has found himself back at .500
What am I going to do to capitalize on this? I'm excited to completely ignore the waiver wire clearing on Wednesday and allow every single decent player that's rising in interest to pass me by. I can't wait to pick up a complete dipshit cast-off Friday, Saturday, or most likely Sunday.
Slava I Crain. You tried your best, and you were let down by a number of your players: JCM, Keenan "I don't think so, Tim" Allen, Calvin Ridley "me this", and especially CJ Stroud and Nico Collins. Yeah, I don't care if they were on BYE - they deserve a huge portion of the blame. They are incredible players, great for fantasy, and they weren't there when your team needed them. For shame.
Fin.
Buckle up my friends,
Last weekend, an old high school friend of mine invited myself and [borat voice] my wife to a post-nuptial party in Boston. Attending were a handful of old high school friends who since we all graduated a hundred million years ago, I could count on one hand the amount of times I had seen them in person. And I have to admit, I got hit so hard by nostalgia I literally was seeing through time - it was roughly 25 years into the past, but through time nonetheless.
It was really fuckin awesome. I've been privileged to meet a lot of people in my life, and many of them I consider friends, and a pretty decent number, the greatest of friends. I have so many memories spanning a lot of locations and events, none of which I would trade for anything. For whatever reason, I find it really hard to keep up with folks, and throughout the years, I feel like my connections to a lot of people I truly love and care about keep getting pulled thinner and thinner like the mozzarella from a slice of cheese pizza straight out of the oven.
One of my greatest fears is that the ever thinning connection will just break, and that will be the end of that. As I remember each cherished long-term memory, there is no one around to ensure its integrity remains intact. The more I try to remember those good old times, the more those memories corrupt and instead of being about the original event, they become influenced by what I remembered the last time they were recalled.
Well, if one thing proved true this weekend, it is that it's never too late to grab another slice of friendship and enjoy those cheesy connections again. For those 2.5 hours it almost felt like no time had passed. These dudes were just how I remembered them, and I hope I was the same to them. We shared some great memories, and were able to get caught up learning about each other's families and lives. Shit, I even got the honor to meet some of their really fuckin awesome friends and wives. I got to put some faces to fantasy teams, and it was all truly wonderful.
[NOTE: Somewhere in the ether there's another larger group photo that includes Rachel. I swear someone's wife may have taken it - but liquors drunkened me and I can't remember who it was god damn it]
To bring this back to the reason you're all fucking here: this fucking dipshit column - I have to admit, as bad as I am at fantasy football and find the bitching, moaning, and vulgarity therapeutic and soothing, one of the biggest reasons I keep this thing going is because I find it one of the few ways to keep up with all of you out there.
Y'all are some of the best friends and acquaintances I've made and gotten to know; with how infrequently I get to see everyone, I'd like to think that for one fleeting moment, we're all hanging out together shooting the shit - and like old times, no one can get a word in because I just won't shut the fuck up.
I really want to thank our Glorious Commissioner for rounding all of us bastards together and starting this league those couple years ago. It's a highlight of my year to hop on a meet during our draft. It's an honor to write up bullshit that you guys might carve some time to read. And it'll be sweet, sweet glory when I finally fucking win this stupid fucking league despite my inability to pick up anything halfway decent from the waiver wire.
So take it easy dudes, enjoy your week 7. Much love to you all, and never hesitate to send out a text - whether it's about the next time you're in town, or a deep-seeded hatred for one of the most evil people alive, Baker Mayfield.