The Armies of the Unfit

Season Preview

And by season preview, I'm going to dish out some of the scalding-hot takes that I've come up with stolen from the stupidest places of the internet.

• Jimmy G throws for 40 touchdowns - in Madden when he gets benched for Aidan O'Connell by week 4. Raiders miss playoffs.
• Baker Mayfield wins SEE POY (Comeback Player of the Year)
• Messi signs as a kicker week six for a desperate team
• Jets have to bench Rodgers in week 13, ride Zach Wilson like a milf to postseason
• This will be Belichick's next-to-last year with:
  ** Steve taking over Defensive Coordinator
  ** BO'B moving on after next season
  ** Jerod Mayo as the next Head Coach

Draft Recapulations

I wanted to copypaste everyone's draft shit here, but for whatever reason the formatting just absolutely assblasts itself into oblivion - so I'm going to need everyone to initiate COVID Protocol and do your own research as to everyone's drafted rosters. Cool? Great!

Let's jump right the fuck in and start off with our Glorious Commissioner.

Hot Start

Three straight wide receivers? God damn, my dude. I know the NFL has transformed into a pass-first league where the youngest of Quarterbacks are earning stats that would put them on the fast-track to the Hall of Fame if they played in the 90s, but man - until we go into a dual-QB league, the Running Back will continue to be king.

But if you can't get yourself a King, you might as well get yourself a fucking Tank. And you got one in Tank Bigsby.

Also, Justin Herbert is a stat machine. Downside? The Chargers do nothing but disappoint everyone that's ever relied on them for happiness. Despite the fact that I wanted him so fucking bad and you had to go ahead and scramble my brain, I'm almost relieved I don't have to depend on a Chargers player.

PS. Enjoy rooting for the Jets and Dalvin Cook, you monster.

Draft Grade: Neat!

Ethel St. False Starts

The Quadfather leading the pack on this team with four straight wide receivers taken after.

It could be that I know dick-all about the trends of fantasy football and while that would probably be correct, fuck if I'm not going to go down without a profanity-laden, 1000-word rant about how I'm actually right that running backs are still the significant scoring position in fantasy football.

Scoping the bottom portion of the roster .. holy fuck is my knowledge of the NFL list of players outdated. Who the fuck are,

• Khalil Herbert
• De'Von Achane
• Chigoziem Okonkwo
• Romeo Doubs

?????

Next you'll be telling me James Conner doesn't play for the Steelers anymore and Kyle Rudolph has retired.

Brandon McManus: Mr. Irrelevant. Heh. Anus.

Draft Grade: 4 .. players I've never heard of

Two Hotdogs One Bun

Here we go: the Arby's have arrived ... after mother fuckin big boy, Travis Kelce. I gotta admit, this Kelce brother guy is pretty fucking talented and can absolutely score a shitload of points given how dogshit the rest of the Chiefs skill positions are, but fuck I get so god damn pissed off when people try to compare his ass to Gronk.

Gronk was a freak of nature who would not only outscore Travis, but would absolutely push his shit in when it comes to blocking and running after the catch. Kelce is soft as fuck and I will never relent in this opinion of mine.

Today I learned: Brandin Cooks is on yet another team! Holy fuck this dude must own property all over the gahd dang country. Every season he's on another roster. I'd almost feel bad for him except I kinda sorta blame his dumb ass for the Greatriots Super Bowl loss against the Eagles after he tried lunging over a player and got himself knocked out in the process like a fuckin dumbass.

Draft grade: 1 man, 1 jar

I Went To The Real Harvard

Oh damn, look at this god damn Mr. Smartypants here and his Harvard claims. Cool, you rode the Crimson wave on an oversaturated tampon of grade inflation. I enjoyed not only a high school named after a sub-par prophylactic, but my undergrad mascot was named after some dumbass elephant that got hit by a train.

One could say that game recognizes dumbass game - and we're all joined by unifying thread in this, the second coming of a gloriously Fantastical Football League.

...

Oh right. The Draft.

So yeah, Ekeler and Gibbs taken in the first three rounds, then grabbing Joe "the best first name in sports" Burrow in the fourth? Fuck man, that's a god damn great start of a draft with Waddle filling in as the wide receiver stud.

OK. I can see why you claim the Harvard fame. This kid is wicked smaht.

Draft grade: 4.0 GPA

Team Golder

Oh. It's one of these fuckin assholes that took a QB I god damn wanted so badly. Fuckin Justin Fields. You savvy-drafting son of a bitch. I don't even care who the fuck else you picked in this draft because I'm hyper-focused on how irritating the hair across my asshole is because of that Fields pick at 56,,,

I don't want to say that I hope nothing but the worst things to happen this fantasy year, but I have no clue how else to end this sentence. FUCK.

Draft Grade: Bitter and Salty.

Captain Rising Sun

Ahh yes. Team Sex Pest.

Oh yeah that's right, I'm going to steer HARD into the moral superiority angle by absolutely ragging on that shithead, Deshaun Watson.

(Disclaimer: I figure that everyone in this league also doesn't really give a shit about the well-being of this gross monster, but he's available and we have a bit of money on the line. This is Fantasy Football, not a morality contest.)

All right, let's look over this roster ...

Oh god. Your top running back is a Patriots player??

May God have mercy on your soul. Rhamondrehedron Steviewonderson was pretty sensational last season, landing in the top-10 for fantasy production, but I can't remember the last Greatriots player who was able to sustain consistent success.

But what the fuck would I know? I'm a fucking idiot.

And ultimately, with Conner and (who I believe will be the bell-cow running back in Philly) Swift, it might not fuckin matter.

But you're awfully fuckin thin. Like, wet one-ply toilet paper thin, at Running Back.

Draft Grade: Five thumbs up.

Bloodfeast Islandmen

Before I get to this draft recap, I need to go over the Celebratory Championship Recap, sponsored by the immortal: Chevy Astrovan.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled program: let's go over Willie Nelson's glorious draft recap.

If I had to describe this draft using NFL Divisions? I'd have to say, AFC North.

Ja'Marr Chase. Joe Mixon. Llamar Jackson.

Three dynamic as fuck players, all in the AFC North, and all three taken with the top three picks available to The Gayest Team since Gay came to Gaytown. Wild stuff.

...and that would be the extent of my analysis. All I got are memes and shallow jokes from 2021.

And a funny note from draft night: Currently the owner of Cameron Dicker, the Dick Kicker.

Draft Grade: Astrovan

The Peralistaltic Chain Reactions

Run CMC. DK. Josh Allen?  Solid top three. And then you got that dickbag, DeAnfernee Hodgkins - the fuck, he think he's too good to join the Patriots? How dare he? I mean, the fucking Titans?? How the fuck do you choose the Titans over the fucking Greatriots??

Whatever. I'm sure he'll be great, but what a dick.

Speaking of superduperstars from 2019, looks like Michael Thomas is still in the league! Good for him! With any luck he'll actually produce a point or two this season.

Draft Grade: What the fuck does Peralistaltic mean!?

PS. Solid grab of that goof, Jared Goff. I think he's going to be scoring quite a few points in that Detroit offense. Maybe not Stat Padford levels, but starter-worthy.

Butt Fumblers

Solid picks throughout the first four, but I think the best value was Mattison in the fifth round. I've heard a lot of buzz about that motherfucker - sure, it was all AFTER the fucking draft as per usual, but late buzz is still good buzz.

And like,,, I wanna rant about more players I've never heard of before like Jaxon Smith-Njigba or Marvin Mims Jr but,, instead I'm going to yell, bitch and moan about another player I wanted so fucking badly but missed out on: Trevor Lawrence.

That Jags offense is gonna be good. And you had to go ahead and piss all over my shitty dreams by drafting that fabulous long-haired TLaw. How dare you not take me into consideration with your draft pickery?? AM I NOTHING?

Draft grade: FUCK. I WANTED SUNSHINE (haha Remember the Titans reference!)

America First

For team America First, I have to admit: the draft really was fairly devoid of those classy, lunch-pail, scrappy players you hear your uncles and grandfathers talking about during Thanksgiving. You know the guys I'm talking about, the ones who play the "right way."

But that notwithstanding, this team is loaded with talent both available right now:

• Justin Jefferson
• Jalen Hurts
• Deebo Samuel

As well as in the near-to-distant future:

• Jonathan Taylor Tiddie
• Alvin "oh shit they caught that all on" Kamara
• Odell Beckham Jr (to be frank, I have no idea when he might show up to perform)
• Kyler Murray

The potential for this team to make a run at the end of the season despite losing their first 6 games is pretty high... Just like the hairline for JTT

Draft grade: coming in week 5.

SmokinJoeSpouse

I got nothing bad to say about this team. For whatever reason I think they did a wonderful job drafting and I think should be super optimistic heading into the season. The roster owner is smart, pretty, and kind.

But if I did have something negative to say it would be that Cooper Kupp is going to be the most fucking irritating player to deal with moving forward. Hamstring injuries for a wide receiver are such a pain in the ass to predict. You just know they will keep his ass questionable until just before the late games (or Sundaay Night Football), then bench him, leaving you with a mother. fucking. empty roster spot because no one here understands how the waiver wire works whatsoever - making it impossible to grab someone, anyone for Monday Night Football.

However, that's if I was forced to say something negative. Thankfully, I don't feel any pressure to do so.

Honestly, it's a solid lineup with Patrick Mahomes leading the way. Najee should also be quite the producer given the Steelers having a young buck at QB. I also think that Darnell Mooney may be the best pick of the 13th round (perhaps second to my Kendrick Bourne grab) given how much his connection with Justin Fields has been praised.

[edit:]

Draft grade: I love you babe.

The Lying Media

So. Time to check out the team everyone's destined to be chasing into the playoffs. With my number one pick, I chose a fucking rookie - one that I have across several fantasy football leagues so I'm almost assuredly going to regret that choice.

Thankfully, I got some studs further down the line in Chubbsie, Ridley (Sponsored by DraftKings), and Mike Williams.

I'm happy with Tyler Lockett,, but I think I'm going to be burned with the fact that I'm still running on roster details from 2019. According to several sources around the league, Tyler ain't the number one no more.

At least that Danny Dimes fella seems to bring it, so I don't have the worst quarterback situation. Unfortunately, that means I have to follow the Giants and fuck, there's something about that team that I just fucking hate - and no, the hate's been there since before 2007. Probably has to do with the fact that New England used to be Giants country before the Patriots showed up, so TV coverage was always defaulted to Giants games.

Whatever. I'm just fuckin psyched to eventually enjoy my late round picks in Bourne Supremacy and Ewokiel Elliott.

Draft Grade: most likely a fucking F

How many college graduates does it take to understand a waiver wire?

Holy hell, what a cluster fuck at the end there.

Who could forget such quotes like,

• "I'll do the waiver wire on Tuesday or something."

And,

• "Boy, am I bored."

Now let's never speak of that conversation ever again.

Fin.

Welp. That's the draft recap everyone, and just in time because this mother fuckin season starts on Thursday!

I got my klakity keyboard ready to go, and now with the wife monetarily invested, we're going to be tremendously obnoxious in making sure we don't miss a second of the NFL season. Apple picking? There better be cell service. Brunch with the inlaws? We'll be treating bathroom breaks as a tagteam. One of us struggling to make the postseason? Time to make a controversial trade involving Patrick Mahomes.

Anyway, hope everyone had a wonderful Labor Day Weekend, and for those of you in the Northeast you better prep for this fucking heatwave that's about to descend on the region. Like,, what the fuck? 90s? Fuck that, man. Give me low 50s mornings, give me air that's Brisk (baby), give me my sweatpants!

Much love, my dudes (and dudette). Let's fuckin goooooo!

(I would recommend turning 🔊 sound on)

Post-credits scene

RIP to some real ones over the weekend.

The World's never going to be the same.

;_;7 We salute you kings