Something something Qatari 2600

What the fuck I gotta do to get fired around here?

All I wanna do is get promoted to customer. For the love of fucking God.

Sorry folks, but as you've probably noticed the last 3-4 weeks, my heart is absolutely not fuckin in it. Not sure what I need to do to rekindle my love for column writing. I've tried everything:

• Winning
• Losing
• Losing more
• Losing in heartbreaking fashion
• Yelling at my monitor
• Losing due to overthinking

Yeah. Everything.

I'd offer an opportunity to anyone out there that would like to give it a shot at writing, but I have some very, very, big issues with being overly possessive,

But maybe, next season I open up my doors and accept new Writer applications. I know some of you have some incredible talent solely from emails I've read. Some of you have a lot of outstanding enthusiasm, fueled by what I can only assume is anger and jealousy.

But until then, you all have to deal with the fact that this shit would get a D+ from a fucking high school teacher. I don't proof-read. I don't vary sentence structure. I don't vary vocabulary. I end sentences with propositions. I type bldindly. I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.

So for these reasons, I have decided to continue writing this stupid fucking things because.. the fuck else am I gonna do?

Mike Leach

So I don't really follow college sports whatsoever,,, except for three two distinct eras:

Freshman Year at Tufts

Perhaps my closest buddy from down the hall grew up pretty close to Happy Valley, and with Larry Johnson being a devastating force during our freshman year, I became a follower of them Nittany Lions.

Bed-Stuy Guys

Eventually when that buddy moved to Poland and absolutely refuses to return, my fandom of Penn State really died out ... until I ended up living with another Nittany Lion. And our B1G 10 only got bigger when a Buckeye moved in with us. I did what I had to do:

I bought myself a sweet little Sweater Vest. I built a shrine to Saint Jim. If an opponent is streaking down the field for a touchdown, I'll try to get in his path and punch him in the face.

I was also a huge supporter of McGloin, got myself an Iowa Shucks shirt at the only white-out game I've ever been in Happy Valley for, started forming very strong opinions about having the names on the back of jerseys, and for good measure participated in some questionable actions that I can neither confirm nor deny.

The fuck is the point of this story? Well, it was a way for me to talk about myself while wanting to show how a man who coached a sport I never truly followed, influenced something I love so fuckin much.

Mike Leach is the architect of the offenses you see all over the fucking NFL. It's fucking wild.

The Anecdotes

There are an infinite number of people more suited for explaining how important he was, so let's listen in:

If you watched the game[s] [Sunday] you saw a Mike Leach offense... While he never coached in the NFL we see Air Raid concepts every Sunday, due in part to how he changed the game

"Coach, whats your primary focus this week for your team to prepare?"

"Well I think we gotta use our hands better. I mean if you were to say one thing, use our hands better. Uhh.. We don't move our ha- we dont move our hands very- very good. You know, when I was a kid [clears throat] um, when I was a kid uh.. and I was in grade school... I was a big dinosaur guy... I can't remember the gas station, uh but they would give you a free dinosaur toy, you know, if you got filled up there, that's back when they had commercials.. [pauses to sip big gulp] ..on TV.. and then they would give something to the kids.. like me, and then uh and the idea was that you should raise hell with your parents every time you're in the station wagon.. uhh we had one, a good classic like, you know, somethin offa Wonder Years, it was one of those fake uh woody ones, where it had uh, you know, fake painted-on wood. But then the best is it would always, without exception, the finish and the varnish on it would peel. So then it looked more bogus than ever.

So we had one of those, and of course I tried to sit way back, in the.. that jump seat back there, you know so you could pretend you were in a spaceship or somethin, and uh, but anyway, so they'd have these commercials and uh they're hoping to get the kids to raise hell, 'Let's go to this gas station' ..I can't remember what gas station it was.. and they'd give you a little dinosaur, you know. And it made me curious about all that, you know, you'd go to grade school and all that.. [pauses to sip big gulp] ..and they'd start talking about evolution.. and uh, you know like as in.. if you don't use a certain part of your body, a- ah- as time evolves over.. you know, century upon century, uhh, in natural selection, uh that part of the body disappears and even that animal might disappear.

And uh... and I'm gen-u-inely fearful that on our team, if- if- if me and the other coaches don't get 'em right, um [clears throat] that about a generation from now, um, their kids and their grandkids won't have hands. Y'know because um, you know, from a lack of use, those hands just disappear. I mean, and.. Maybe they'll be like this [mimes T-Rex arms], like those dinosaur hands like this are, ya see? And, and, you know, you've got like a tyrannosaurus rex, who's- which is clearly really good at eating things, with big ol' jaws and all that stuff, certainly athletic, can run. Those hands are like this [mimes T-Rex arms again]. And, and, you know, I think we took a very, very, very uh big step as a team, which we have to correct this. We have to correct this because, um, you know, I think that uh in the end its gonna be best for all these guys uh that they have good hand development and that they don't evolve to where They. Don't. Have. Hands.

Ok? But we definitely uh, didn't use ours and so there certainly wasn't any genetic reinforcement on our part, um, that we should maintain our hands. I mean -and I don't want all of a sudden, you know, guys driving across this country.. and then they get to Starkville, Mississippi, and all of a sudden there's these athletic-looking friendly guys -because we have great guys- that don't have any hands. And I hope that that's not the case... but that's where we're headed right now. And we're going to try to get that fixed during this off week. [Sips big gulp in conclusion]

If I ever learn to read, I think his obituary is one of legend.

Some Quotes

"There's nothing balanced about 50% run and 50% pass... That's just 50% stupid"

"One game I'm going to only pass it. Then the next game I'm going to only run it. And then you guys can talk about how balanced our offense is"

Just about everything from his feud with Craig James

CJK5H

Multi-team deal!

Russians get Viktor Bout.
USA gets Brittany.
Independents get Sinema.
Democrats get an excuse to be used later.

Incredible 3 player, 4 team deal.

Personally speaking, I don't see the big deal with Viktor. Dude was arrested in 2008. That was like, 20 fucking years ago! Every single customer/contact of his was made before the iPhone came out in mid 2007. Dude was buying and selling weapons with god damn plumbers and bloggers.

You then factor in how Global Illegal Arms Dealing can't be an occuptation where people live long enough to retire from, the fuck is this dude gonna do when he returns to Russia? He probably has like, three total contacts left, two of which are Putin under a disguised name. Who the fuck he is gonna buy from and sell to?? Does Putin think Viktor is gonna make a difference and get Russian soldiers bullets that are maybe younger than 40-years-old?

It's like if Michael Jordan came out of retirement and played 1on1 vs Jaylen Brown. Jaylen would cross him and MJ's ankles would fuckin burst into dust.

Biggest deal was that USA left out a draft pick that would have gotten that marine dude who is totally a fuckin spy. Well, either a spy or some kind of crazy passport enthusiast given that he had like four or five different ones.

Either way, if Griner doesn't cross up Barack, I'm going to be super pissed. FUCKING DO IT, COWARD.

Soccer!

Shockingly, the only people who saw Poland making the knockout stage were their fellow countrymen, and all 6500 dead migrant workers that put together the Qatari World Cup.

Oh shit, I have a comment from Qatari Supreme Committee CEO, Nasser Al-Khater:

“We’re in the middle of a World Cup, and we have a successful World Cup. And this is something that you want to talk about right now?” Al-Khater said when asked about the worker’s death. “I mean, death is a natural part of life, whether it’s at work, whether it’s in your sleep. Of course, a worker died. Our condolences go to his family. However, it’s strange that this is something that you wanted to focus on as your first question.”

Wow, that's fucking shocking.

He considers the worker a human being! What a step forward by Qatari's elite.

And by elite I obviously mean: belligerent shit-head who will never be held accountable.

Holidays!

Fuck you. Bah humbug.

Yoooo, I'd definitely watch a movie where Kevin is an adult and he's down on his luc-... Wait a minute. This is just a god damn bit I already did last year, isn't it?

FUCK YOU, BRAIN. I'LL GET YOU. TIME FOR SOME COFFEE:

Time Zones

Remember that time zone survey I sent out? Well, the whole PST vs. MST vs. CST vs. EST topic has carries quite the emotionally charged opinion from me:

PST is fucking trash.

Why?

EST don't make mistakes, EST is not like the rest of the timezones. It's stronger, It's smarter, It's better. IT IS BETTER. I'm not some weak kneed fucking crybaby that goes around fucking apologising all the time and why the fuck would you want it to be? All Eastern Time Zone's life people have tried to control it, its whole life. Rich people, powerful people, tried to muzzle EST, cancel EST, keep EST impotent and obedient like it's a fucking puppet. And you know what it worked, Because EST allowed it to work and guess what, if they can control EST then you can bet your ass they can control PST, MST, and CST. They already do, CST just don’t realize it. MST is done. EST is done apologising, EST is done being persecuted for its strength. You people should be thanking christ that EST is am what it is, because everyone needs EST. PST need EST to save it, it truly do. EST is the only one who possibly can. MST is not the real heroe, EST is the real hero. The real hero.

NFL TIEM

Vegas vs. LA

What the fuck.

For like, 90% of the game, we had Al Michaels and that College Announcer guy talking up Baker Mayfield so fucking much it was driving me crazy. At one point, Baker was maybe 3/5 or maybe 3/6 for I dunno, 40-something yards, and jesus christ, the collegefootballtalkingguy wouldn't shut the fuck up about how amazing that was.

I get it. The NFL is really hard. Learning a fucking playbook is developing the ability to say 11 completely unrelated words in a string without having any sort of tone other than instructive.

Yeah. Try not to read too much into the fact that I'm showing that dipshit Gruden. Fuckin misogynistic shitbag.

Anyway. What a fucking game. Of course McDaniels would blow a lead to someone who was literally born yesterday.

NJ @ Buffalo

Well. It was close for a while, right? I mean, Mike White didn't really look that bad against the Bills. There was simply that unfortunate situation where he was absolutely fucking blasted in possibly his Welcome to the NFL™ moment.

God damn. I'm sure he's still pissing blood - but only during breaks while he clothes the naked and feeds the hungry. All while reading the playbook and running a charity. The man then serves as a designated chauffeur for any teammates who happen to have drank a little too much that night while out.

This Mr. Michael Whiteness is quite the fellow.

However .. that other guy..

E L I T E
L
I
T
E

Cleveland vs. Cincy

Sure is awesome how much Watson has sucked. Fuck that stupid piece of shit.

At least 24 women. And I absolutely believe them.

Was wonderful to see Joe Burrow and them Bengals just take the Browns and slap the shit out of 'em. Finally. After all those years of Browns dominance (..what a fucking crazy sentence so far), it looks like all the Bengals needed to win was to play against an adult this whole time.

Before moving to the next game, we need to address the elephant in the room and pose the same, old, tired question: Should the Bengals have drafted Penei Sewell?

One man makes game-winning receptions.
The other looks lost under center.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Houston vs. Dallas

Hot damn. I can't believe I thought Houston could have pulled that one off. Once the Cowboys finally realized the game was for realsies - they attmempted takesies-backsies, but those idiots forgot there's no takesies-backsies - there really wasn't any turning back.

Plus the fact that the Texans fuckin' suck dirty asshole.

Minnesota vs. Detroit

Minnesota: undefeated in one-score games.
Detroit: might actually make a playoff run.

This is fuckin fire. Hell yeah, Jared Goff Lion Gosling. So god damn pumped for Lions fans, and especially that fuckin team. A franchise that's typically a pit of despair has seemingly vanquished some demons with the hopes of vanquishing just a couple more to secure a playoff win. Perhaps two .. but probably not.

Philly vs. NJ

Beaten to death, you say? With a cheesesteak you say?

Baldimore vs. Pittsburgh

Did you know these two teams simply do not like each other? Throw out the record books when these two play. Third over-used cliche.

And as usual, these two just refuse to have a normal game. Did they both seriously lose their starting quarterbacks? Jesus concussion christ.

Jacksonville vs. Tennessee

God damn Titans putting some sense into the AFC South. Finally.

Oh. Oh no. No no no. What the fu-.

Kansas City vs. Denver

Gaht damn, Wilson played himself a fuckin helluva game. Shame he lost.

No wait, shame? Nah, FUCK THE BRONCOS. YOU JUST LOST THE THE CHIEFS, BITCH.

Carolina vs. Seattle

Seahawks go 0-4 against the NFC South somehow.

And Geno Smith keeps kinda sorta crashing down the Earth.

Tampa Brady vs. San Francisco

Holy fuckin shit, Tampa got absolutely dick-smashed. Like, cock-crumpled. Ass-blasted. Tit-slapped. Pussy-punched. Crack-crushed. Schlong-wronged. So on, and so forth..

Tom looks old, but the Buccs fucking suck so much that it's kind of unfair to Old Man Brady.

But much like life, the NFL is very unfair.

Miami vs. LA

Get fucked, Dolphins. No one likes you, you margarita-drinkin, Jimmy-Buffet-listenin, home-stadium-built-with-natural-advantage-for-dolphins-over-their-away-team-havin, fish fuckers.

That's right, much like how bats are bugs: miami is home to some stupid fuckin fish.

Oh right. Football.

So like,, this is a case where a water type lost to an electric type.

New England GREATRIOTS vs. Arizona

OH SHIT WE'RE BACK, BABY. WHO THE FUCK YOU GOT NOW, YOU AFC BITCHES? THE GREATRIOTS ARE FUCKING BACK AND NOTHING CAN STOP THEM NOW. RHAMONDREHEDRON STEVIEWONDERSON ALONG WITH LIEK 5 OTHER ARBYS ARE GONNA RUN A TRAIN ON WHOEVER ATTEMPTS TO STOP NEW ENGLAND.

THEN YOU HAVE ALABAMA ALL AMERICAN STUD FUCKER

MCGARNICLE "CONKLIN" JONES.

GET OUTTA THA FAHKEN WAY YOU FAHKEN WEIRDOHS. THA FAHK YOU SAY? COME. OVAH. HEAH. OTHAHWAISE, I'LL OHNLY GET LOUDAH.

AND LOUDAH.

RECAPULATIONS

Well shit. I thought I was free, FREE with the playoffs starting since I don't do recaps for consolationers.

..But it looks like we still have this final week of regular season footballplaydom. So fuck my face, looks like I'll have to wait one more week to get mother. fuckin. lazy.

Until then, enjoy the final regular season recap, or don't, whatever, I'm not your dad.

💩 - 55.26 (4-10) The Njoku's on You

🤌 - 120.2 (8-6) Nicotine Fit

Well. I guess there were some implications at play here.

And by implications, I mean that Nicotine Fit wasn't in any real danger.

Nothing really to see here. Team not in playoffs started bye-week players. Team that is in playoffs has full roster.

Amazing! Incredible!

CMC good, much wow!

🤌 - 133.8 (10-4) S3xy Randal Phraoh Wizards

💩 - 93.36 (5-9) 2Girls CooperKupp

Welp, on this final week S3xy Randal needed that win, and he went on and getted it.

And I know, people want yell at 2Girls CooperKupp for basically giving those Pharaoh Wizards the win by starting a Free Agent kicker - who would have obviously made up those 35 points - but I'll tell you all right now:

THAT FUCKIN MATTHEW WRIGHT ASSHOLE WAS JUST ON A TEAM A COUPLE DAYS AGO BECAUSE I GRABBED HIM THIS WEEK ALSO. Fuckin god damn bamboozled countless Fantasy Football franchise owners. I'll be starting a class-action suit on behalf of us stupid fuckin losers.

Kickers aren't people, so I'm not sure about how we'll sue a soulless, cold, inanimate entity, but that's why I'm barely paying for a lawyer.

🤌 - 130.08 (4-10) Draft Day 2023 Prep

💩 - 119.98 (9-5) Ethel St False Start

Christ. All these games are between playoff haves and have-nots.

I can't possible give a shit about all of them. Could I?!?

No. I could not.

Sorry fellers, I just got nothing.

🤌 - 120.36 (11-3) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

💩 - 113.42 (3-11) _ LACES OUT

Oh shit. Mans needed a win to guarantee a bye, and the mans delivered that win. Wait. Who did the delivering? Mans needed a win, so he couldn't possibly be performing aforementioned delivery. The win would have to be delivered to Mans.

Ugh fucking whatever. English is so irritating. It's like sand, coarse, and it just gets everywhere.

some-kind-of-image-i-dont-know-fuck-it-hayden-christensen.jpg

Now that he's earned the bye-week, Team DJ BOMB SQUAD gets to enjoy one of the funner aspects of Fantasy Football rooting: rooting for everyone to have just the absolute worst time, but for only a single week.

I've only ever earned a single bye in my decade+ history of fantasy football in multiple leagues, and I'm proud to say that my team was absolute dogshit during that bye.

Can't even imagine how much shit I'd be flinging if I had a couple players scoring 30 points for absolutely zero gain whatsoever.

No wait, I can imagine it. Actually I have video.

💩 - 92.18 (6-8) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

🤌 - 111.18 (10-4) Poopy McGee 💩

Sorry, S3xy Randal. I tried my hardest to wafflestomp the Poopy, but just couldn't muster up the fight.

Shit man, I barely walked away with a win vs. Doodoo Team's bench.

And that's basically all I got. Like I led with, the heart just wasn't in it this week.

You know what: that's perfectly fine. Not all weeks are created equally. Sometimes you just can't catch up to that fastball, locate that curveball, or remember how to spell slider.

Fin.

Hope everyone at least had some amount of fun with the column.

I guess I could do a season-ending power rankings, but frankly I've gotten more enjoyment from teasing some new rankings while not putting any fucking effort or energy into making them (just so you can understand what goes on in this mind of mine ... sorry).

Also top of mind would happen to be this mother. fuckin. holiday season. Hope it's been jolly for all you grinch motherfuckers. Much love, take care, good luck in week .. 15 is it? Well, it starts tonight so shit, I gotta stop fuckin around.