Baker Buccos @ Bill's

All I got for this one is that Baker Mayfield throws a fucking beautiful hail mary. Just a crying shame Godwin couldn't come down with it,

If I could describe this game using words, I would use the words:

The game was close and not close at the same time.

Ramses @ Dem Boys

The Cowboys annhilated the Rams in a way that 99% of all Texans think they'd destroy them California Libtard elites.

Off the field, they'd probably die of poverty and no electrical grid - but thankfully Football is played on a field. Although I don't know if you could describe what the LA Rams played this week as football.

Scorigami: Happened.

Vikes @ Pack

The end of Kirktober has arrived. From the Vikings being the spookiest of teams to now being without its fearless albeit bland as mayo and white bread leader, is just another example of how god damn brutal the NFL is.

We now have a second QB tearing his achilles, and it begs the question,

Failcons @ Fake Oilers

And fucking Arthur "i'm from a family of billionaires" Smith, you stupid fucking moron. You have spent first round picks on a wide receiver, a stud rb, a transcendant tight end, and instead you have your third string tight end throw a pass to your second string tight end. Or vice versa, but who the fuck cares.

STOP FUCKING MIS-USING YOUR INCERDIBLE TALENT YOU DUMB FUCK.

NOOOOOO @ Lolts

We are living in the age of high-powered players named T. Hill .. and one guy named Rashid Shaheed. What a fucking monster.

Also, I think I've maybe figured out how to solve the Colts' QB issues:

Leastriots @ M.I.A.

Welp. Going into this game and shit, even after the Pats got that first score, I have tro admit:

But then all those positive vibes were completely and utterly god damn destroyed, and the Pats reminded me of who they truly were,

Stupid fucking hope. At least the Panthers and Broncos won, so now the Pats have moved up and currently sit at pick number 4!

Jest @ Gints

Oh. I was totally sick with a completely real sickness for this game,

There's no way I would be caught dead watching any of the 28 punts that took place at the Meadowlands that day. Holy fuck.

Jaggins @ Steeeers

Iggles @ Commies

You know, the Tush Push gets a lot of ire but I think it's because it doesn't have the kind of name that lends itself to the mythical theme of the NFL. Gladiators of the gridiron. The frozen tundra of Lambeau field. That's some fuckin verbiage.

Maybe they should call it something like, the Bottom Bludgeon or Rear Admiral.

Just spitballin' here.

Tejans @ Kittehs

Clevelosers @ Rainy City Bitch Pigeons

Another missed start by Groper Cleveland, and yet the Browns almost pulled off the win in Seattle.

But they didn't, and now the god damn Seahawks are in first place in the NFC West just like everyone fucking predicted.

Chefs @ Donkeys

Have you heard about Kelce and his girlfriend, Taylor Swift?

Raves @ Stl Cardinals

Ravens almost gave this fuckin game away, but instead of going into more detail, here's a picture proving that Wemby is an actual alien from the planet Baskethoop:

Bungles @ Fraudy 9ers

In an alternate and just universe, this would be a reality

Chitown @ Charge

Holy shit. The Bears fucking stink. The band of footbaLLLLLL they play is so fucking bad. I can't believe this was the Sunday Night game. What a torturous game to display to the nation.

Even with Justin Herbert moonlighting acting as that asshole CEO guy from that new fuckin Bill Burr anti-Millennial movie on Netflix instead of practicing,

The Chargers completely fucking curb-stomped the Bears, and it wasn't all that exciting to watch. It was frankly fucking painful.

How painful?

As painful as watching another garbage fucking movie/special that's cashing in on shitting on us Millennials. Seriously: fuck right off you shitbirds. The same dickbags that raised us are now capitalizing on putting us the fuck down just because we have the gaul to push back on a bunch of fuckery that's led to use having to rent for longer than we'e wanted, and actively preventing so many from affording luxuries and lifestyles we were promised as long as we worked for it.

Thankfully, as the MTV Generation, we've been able to develop some defensive mechanisms,

Raiders @ Lions

Holy fuck. Yet another garbage-tier primetime game to watch. I guess this one ultimately decided the fate of Mr. McDaniels but instead of being happy for Raiders fans, I'm pissed that one of my more consistent targets of ire is gone from the head coaching ranks.

I'm kinda excited to see the Raiders resurrect their Commitment to Exellence mantra that guided them through decades of pretty fucking high quality play.

But I know they got quite a bit of dumbassery to work out - at this point that standard was so god damn low an ant would trip over it.

Their Team Anthem could have been the fucking Benny Hill music.

The replay of him trying to hit a wide open Davante Adams is incredible,

RETICULATING RECAPS

Let's get this shit on because we haven't much time, for winter is coming.

Like for reals.

October ended and we already got fuckin snow in Massachusetts. Granted, it was fuckin western Mass., and shit gets pretty fuckin weird out there, but whatever it still snowed on November fuckin 1st (happy all saints day).

L (2-6) Team Name

W (4-4) Bloodfeast Islandmen

Welcome back to being .500 Mr Islandmen. I remember being .500 in week 0, what a time to be alive!

You're a lucky motherfucker that,

A. You ain't get burned for benching Dickbag Dak
B. Davante Adams' head coach is Josh McDumbass
C. Third point goes here

Them Cincy boys just fuckin carried your ass,

PS. BAROCK PURDY'S ILLEGITIMATE CONCUSSION TEST SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ALLOWED AND PEOPLE ARE SAYING THE DARNOLD WASN'T TREATED FAIRLY ON THE DEPTH CHART. STOP THE START.

W (6-2) America First

L (6-2) Ethel St. False Start

Well holy fuckin shit, them Philadelphia Boys have done it again. 68+ from Hurts n Brown. And then you have 37+ from the late-bloomers in Taylor and Kamara. This is fuckin absolutely insane.

Not even the completely and utterly fucking insane decision to trust Odell Beckham Jr. with a starting position could slow down this fucking monstrous week 8 showing.

With first fuckin place on the line, Ethel St. False Starts stumbles on his way to doubling his losses. I'd say it's a disappointment, but given that my fantasy experience is perpetual failure, I would literally murder a baby for just feeling disappointed - because disappointment implies hope. And hope is something that I just don't understand during a fantastical football season.

L (4-4) Sir, This is an RBs

W (6-2) the peristaltic chain reactions

Welp. This matchup wasn't close whatsoever. It was complete fucking destruction. Really, the only thing more disturbing than scoring under 100 points in this league is perhaps this new Loki-inspired meal from Arby's RBs Arby's,

Even if Sir, This is an RBs had his most optimal lineup, it's really fuckin tough to overcome the double-barreled action of Josh Allen and Run CMC when they're both on point.

Shit man, toss in TJ Hockenson and you can call me Miss Murderous Minutes while I observe the complete and utter bloodbath,

Anyway. How about that Mayo Messiah to DeAnfernee Hodgkins connetion, huh? Sure is something. Boy howdy.

..

Moving on.

W (5-3) SmokinJoeSpouse

L (4-4) Combined Arms

What a fuckin matchup this was.

In one corner, we had the league leader in points scored, our Glorious Commissioner.

Then in the other, there was my better half, [borat voice] my wife.

With SmokinJoeSpouse, it was just repeated f-bombs and constant harrassing tweets at Cooper Kupp and Patrick Mahomes while they completely fucking floundered in their games (seriously, I think SmokinJoeSpouse got maybe 4 twitter accounts perma-banned with the shit she @'ed at them, which they deserved).

I can not stress how fucking bad the two were,

But all hope wasn't lost because she somehow still got herself like a 60 or 70 point lead heading into Sunday night from incredible fucking clutch showings from Kittle, the Gus Bus, Godwin and ... Javonte Williams!?!? WHAT?

But this wasn't your usual Chargers matchup: Combined Arms had both Keenan Allen and Justin Herbert going against the absolute bum-assed Bears on Sunday Night.

Not sure if anyone watched, but jesus fucking hell, Herbert went what felt like 40 straight passes before one finally was incomplete. The Bears would not stop fucking up and couldn't stop a god damn nosebleed. Their secondary was softer than wet toilet paper.

46+ points later, and that giant lead was down to like 24 or some shit. And while that would seem like a lot, the god damn Sun God is not a player to be trifled with - and with the absolute shellacking the Lions got agains the Ravens before, you knew they were going to come out pissed.

And wouldn't you know it: those Lions were fucking pissed.

Amon-Ra came out and was on fucking fire in that first half. I think he scored like 16 quick points and shortened the lead to 10, maybe 11.

However, just like the sun in the winter time, the Sun God found himself cooling as night drew on (fun fact: the cooling is what gives us less sunlight during the day).

Somehow, someway, SmokinJoeSpouse found another fucking way to win a close fucking matchup by the skin of her teeth.

L (5-3) Two hotdogs one bun

W (4-4) Team Golder

The Meme Team of Two hotdogs one bun had his lemon party spoiled with Team Golder setting him up the bomb.

You'd think that Jakobi Meyers and Josh Jacobs could put up a little more fuckin fight but no - and you all know why? I'm not sure I mentioned it earlier, but Josh McDipshit is the fucking worst. Just absolutely the fuckin worst. He's the type of guy that goes for it on 4th and goal while on the 8-yard-line, and then kicks it on 4th and goal while on the 2-yard-line.

Just a complete fuckin idiot who could get outsmarted by a poop-knife.

Sure, it doesn't help that a ton of points were left on the bench, but it seems like both fuckin teams did that, so I'd have to say it was a complete wash.

A little factoid: Diontae Johnson has literally never scored a touchdown. Or maybe not in a calendar year. One or the other - either of which is fucking insane.

L (1-7) The Lying Media

W (1-7) Joe or Go

Congrats the once winless, Mr Joe or Go. You are the King of Shit Mountain while I am your lowly piss-boy.

What the complete fuck is going on. I didn't think my team could be this fucking bad, but in fact, it very much is. Shit man, even if I had my optimal lineup with grabbing an extra 22 pionts from Howelleen and 16 with Dotson over Kirk, I'd still fucking lose this matchup.

Hold on, I know I have an explanation for yet another fucking loss somewhere,

I know I've said this like .. several times before, but how does this fucking team only have a single win?? It's god damn loaded between having,

• Joe Burrow
• Austin Ekeler
• Jaylen Waddle
• Sam LaPortapotty

I won't even count Jahmyr because it took Montgomery going down. And Zay Flowers just caught his first career touchdown the other week.

Fuck man. This is fucking stupid as fuck.

Congrats on the win, I hate it.

Fin.

Oh shit. We're like,, halfway through the fuckin season aren't we?? Where does the motherfuckin' time go? Before we know it, the playoffs will hit us like a mack truck and 2024 will be right around the corner. Shit man, time just kinda keeps plodding on making fools of us all, doesn't it?

Doesn't mean we can't fuckin roll the windows down, stick our asses out the window and just enjoy the cool air on a bare behind while we ride on through to the other side.

Hope everyone's Halloween was spooktacular, wholesome, and filled with sugar and beer.

Now it's time to grip it and rip it, because Thanksgiving is staring us down with its cold dead eyes, offering delicious stuffing as a lure in order to trap and claim our lives. We must'nt (what the fuck was that contraction?) let it win, we must persevere.