Proper Preparation Prevents Piss-Poor Performance

That other football

I guess it's getting underway.

Oh hell yeah, I'm super excited to continue feeding a monstrously evil capitalist grift of galactic proportions. Wait what is that? They just banned cheering with both hands while in stadiums? OK, as long as I can celebrate with good ol' rightie on my own time, that's more than fi-..

Oh. That's banned too? Yikes.

I for one could never have foreseen such a quick degradation of promises. I mean, this is Qatar we're talking about! Sure, there is some controversy about how to pronounce the name, but their ruling class is nothing but rational, empathetic human beings. Why, look at how the welcome people:

Yeah. I'll skip this one.

I personally prefer my World Cup infrastructure built with chattel slavery

Revealed: 6,500 migrant workers have died in Qatar since World Cup awarded

Guardian analysis indicates shocking figure over the past decade likely to be an underestimate

The GuardianPete Pattisson

All that said: are we fuckin PUMPED to root for our country of choice?

The NFL is rough

The NFL is violent. Each play is like simulating a multi-car pileup at 30-45mph. Thats fucking football right there. None of that pansy ass dick tugging smile for the camera bullshit. Men puke, men poop on the field, men deliver their new born baby on the side lines. Fucking hard core dick in the ass butterball foosball fuck it chuck it game time shit. Take it to the showers. Dicks get shoved in places you don’t even remember. We win together we celebrate together.

And sometimes, those men run for public office in order to talk about .. the movies they watched?

Yo. What the fuck are you god damn talking about Herschel? Is your brain seriously nothing but porridge, Georgia references, and fake badges!??

Twitter

So like .. I guess I'm happy that despite the recent shenanigans pulled by quite possibly the greatest example of managing buffoonery in ever, Twitter is still going strong. Really goes to show you how resilient of a platform they built, despite Phony Stark going around and wreckin up the place,

Twitter is still up and holding strong! Shit, they've even had some peak usage days in there as well!

I'm excited for the day that some catastrophic failure occurs, because when you get systems that size, you only invite a larger and more powerful Chaos Monkey to just fuck up your shit.

And when that Chaos Monkey starts blocking the events queue, throwing stinky piles of exceptions, and hiding among the glut of running instances, I can't wait to see tweets demanding to talk to the Manager of Twitter.

Hate to break it to you buddy, you are the manager of twitter.

Although I'd say he's more of an illusionist. It's not easy to make $44 billion just disappear.

No wait. It's actually super easy. Isn't that right, FTX guy?

Now. In case any of y'all are betting folks (IF YOU ARE COME ON DOWN TO SPORTSBOOK DOT DRAFTKINGS DOT COM FOR ALL YOUR SPORTS BETTING NEEDS), you best take the under for Twitter existing in 2023:

Happy 10th Anniversary Everyone!

That's right, it's everyone's favorite ESPN Not Top 10 moment:

The Butt Fumble

And instead of my rambling on with some incoherent rant, featuring examples of sentence structure that would make a middle school english teacher literally peel their own flesh off, imma just post this:

Incredible, legacy-defining moment.

NFL GAMES WEEK 11

Ten I see @ Green Bae

PEACE OUT A-A-RON.

Also. Like. Fuck if I'm going to get used to all of this announcer musical chairs. I don't even remember who calls at what time on what day anymore. Shit is driving me nuts because it's all just too much change for my old ass.

Da Bears @ Falcons

All these haters are probably laughing at the Bears right now will have to watch them finish 3-14, then completely reload in the off-season and go 2-15 next year.

PS. How the fuck did the Patriots lose to this god damn team??

Panthers @ Ravens

I can't really get any sort of read on this game.

Because of this fact, imma just move on.

Detroit Browns @ Detroit Bills

Looks like the Bills went back on home to their second rust belt city home: Detroit.

This really was the ideal result for the Browns, in my opinion: Jacoby had himself a fuckin day, and the Sexual Assault Trader-for'ers lost.

WFT @ Texas

What an absolutely dreadful performance for the Texans. I feel awful for whatever poor fan is still watching that horseshit quality team. Like, they must be the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. Absolutely fucking dreadful.

Fuckin Washington. Man, can Snyder please sell the team so I can enjoy whatever the fuck that squad is?

No? ok.

Iggles @ Lolts

Holy fuck. Jeff Saturdaddy is the real deal.

Right?? RIGHT??

Only conclusion I can really come to is that Frank Reich must have fuckin sucked giant dickity dong. And I'm nothing but some dipshit with a blog thing that might not exist after November 28th, so you should snort a line of salt every couple of paragraphs. Like any sane person should.

Jest @ Greatriots

Man. This game was such a defensive shrugfest.

But holy shit what an ending.

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What else do I got?

Chargers Rams @ Sain'ts

Why the fuck do I always see the Rams logo as the Chargers logo? The fuck is wrong with my brain?

Anyway, did you know:

Saints are,

• 4-0 when Taysom has 40 or more yards from scrimmage
• 0-7 when Taysom has fewer than 40 yards from scrimmage

(source: some guy on reddit)

Loins @ GEEEEEE MENNNN

Lions are the only team out there challenging the NFC East, splitting the division with .. well, the division, 2-2.

Daaa Raidehs @ Boncors

Hahaha. Broncos got swept by Josh fuckin Daniels.

Broncos are something like 11-25 against the division since their Super Bowl in 2016.

Boys @ Vikes

What in the wide wide world of sports happened here!!??

Bengals @ Steeeers

If I didn't realize those were alternates for the Bengals, I'd assume the team was called the Zebras or some shit. They look pretty damn nice, but it's still fucking weird.

And no. I ain't got shit for photography.

2-0 in the unis, tho.

Chefs @ Charge

What can I get you?

I’ll have a Chiefs win over the Chargers by 3 points.

How original.

With a game winning Travis Kelce touchdown.

Daring today, aren’t we?

(source: another guy on reddit)

PS. who the fuck seriously thought they weren't going to win after the Charge scored that go-ahead touchie? Fuckin greatness. What a bitch.

RECAP

All right everybody! Make sure to get everyone's buddies in there to put us all in the right Fantasy Football mood:

With everyone now riding the same mindset, let's get into some week 11 recaps!

L - 89.56 (3-8) _ LACES OUT

W - 132.74 (6-5) Nicotine Fit

A very wise friend of mine once said: sometimes shit comes together like butt-cheeks.

And for Nicotine Fit, that was week 11. The man has nothing but dashes and goose-eggs on his bench and IR spots - wait, JuJu is on the IR? 🤨 - and yet, the fucker whipped out 120+ in a nice balanced performance.

Obviously it's pretty nice to have Kelce, really it came down to Danny Dimes and the big man himself:

No one should be surprised about this outcome.

And for _ LACES OUT, while one of my favorite ESPN league team names in a long while, was really let down by his entire fuckin roster sans A-A-RON Jones and Deebs.

What the fuck even happened to Adam Thielen? Did he get some injury I didn't know about? I hope it's just the unfortunate side-effects of aging, and not anything caused by a poor recovery or something.

W - 115.3 (8-3) S3xy Randal Pharaoh Wizards

L - 88.84 (4-7) The Njoku's on You

HERE WE GO. MUFFACKA IS, back on track. Proud of you to be able to rebound so gracefully on the back of [reads notes] Amari Cooper?? Well shit, I guess I've said it before, so Cooper might be decent this season.

[checks stats]

Holy shit. This dude is GOOD.

Who isn't good? Mother fucking Kirk Cousins.

You better be careful relying on that motherfucker.

Dak seems to be back. Uhmm. Kyle Pitts should get the ball more. Hmm. Give the ball to Singletary more and with any luck Justin Fields will turn Darnell Mooney into something great.

And this concludes the Njoku summary.

W - 141.7 (7-4) Ethel St False Start

L - 117.46 (4-7) 2Girls CooperKupp

Mans scored 130+ and could have easily scored more thanks to his very capable stable of wide receivers. And not just good receivers, these dudes are fuckin studs.

Oh what the fuck, and he gets 16 from the Ravens, 23.0 from Tyler Bass to Mouth???

I guess you have to pull that kind of shit out when you go against absolute point leviathans like Tony Pollard and Tee Higgins. And of course, it's nice to get some shit from Stat Padford and Swifty again. To score enough that would win you .. uhmm .. only one other matchup, it's always such a shame to lose like this.

SHAME.

W - 149.24 (8-3) Poopy McGee 💩

L - 111.96 (3-8) Jefferson Sleeping

Oof. Well. Jefferson Sleeping can now wake from his dream of a playoff run. Lest is become a living nightmare of fantastical proportions.

Not the best of Josh Allen but holy shit, outside of Miles Sanders, that entire god damn roster was just shitting out points like it was the consequence of eating 110 shrimp during Red Lobster's Unlimited Shrimp promotion at that location in Times Square. Twice.

Even Ezekiel got back into his shit. Fuckin wild production with the Commodes doing their part with 21.0 fucking points. Absolutely spectacular.

[JOE: Man, I really need to learn more original words. So many tired.. words (fuck).]

W - 136.9 (4-7) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

L - 120.72 (8-3) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

OH SHIT. GUESS WHO'S DREAM IS STILL ALIVE??

That's right. This shithead's.

No idea how I fuckin pulled this off again the number one dude. But 30+ from Davante, 27+ from Najee is gonna set a pretty gnarly tone. Toss in 23+ and 19 from Justin Herbert and Josh Jacobs, and I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO JUSTINFIELDS (OR JAMAAL WILLIAMS I GUESS, WHO THE FUCK IS THAT).

Plus I got Shooter "eats pieces of shit for breakfast" McPherson.

Fin.

All right you fuckers. Week 11 go bye-bye.

Week 12 is here. Make them waiver picks before the Turkey Day games (we got a quality slate this year) and fuckin enjoy that shit, everybody.

Power rankings will come something like mid/late week .. or maybe not this week. Who knows. The winds of time are a harsh mistress. Especially at this time of year, as we enter that thick and tasty part of the holiday season.

Let's fuckin go. Binge responsibly.

Post Fin.

Raymond Green Vance (he/him)
Kelly Loving (she/her)
Daniel Aston (he/him)
Derrick Rump (he/him)
Ashley Paugh (she/ her)

They deserve to be remembered.