Post title
Sorry for bein so late with the column. Stupid god damn Amazon goes down and it keeps me from being able to do fucking do anything.
I couldn't drink water,
I couldn't watch any god damn TV,
I couldn't cook anything on my grill,
I couldn't accept the terms of service on my oven and prepare food there either,
I couldn't even get to sleep because my bed was cooking me alive,
Thankfully, I could rely on just sleeping on the floor to get me through the chaos since I've left it disconnected from the internet.
NFL shit
Enjoy a little soundtrack while we get this shit started,
HE. COULD. GO. ALL. THE. WAY.
RUMBLIN' BUMBLIN' STUMBLIN'
CURTIS "MY FAVORITE" MARTIN
Ok. I'm warmed up. Let's go,
TNF
We begin our week 7 from heaven with the mighty Immunized Stillers of Yinzerland visiting the seemingly Bungle-filled city of Cincy.
But wait, it looks like the modern day Joe Cool has arrived in the form of Mr. ELITE:
The Pittsburgh defense stood no chance against the spry-looking ageless wonder - no I'm not talking about "you done fucked up" A-A-Ron Rodgers.
Joe threw the game of his young 40-year-old life, and carried the Bengals to an incredible win in the Holy-fuck-we-are-all-so-fucking-old Bowl.
Sunday Morning bullshit
To London-town we go next where we thought we'd finally get a decent game with only the third such matchup between two teams over .500 across the pond that those Great Britain crumpet-munchin teabaggers have ever seen.
And instead of something good, this piece of shit game was over in the first fucking quarter.
Matthew Statpadford showed off that even in his old age, he can toss around some great natural tiddies. And in a move straight out of Total Recall, Davante Adams grabbed 3 of them.
Aint's @ Brrss
As we travel back to the not-so-United States as of late, we land in Midway where Italian Beef reigned supreme over poboys for the day.
Sure, I may not have watched a single moment of this game, but from looking at the statline, it would appear that Caleb is an absolutely maddening specimen of talent and painted fingernails. Every Sunday the Superfans of Chicago consider themselves Swifties, but not of the skinny partnerless variety.
(please don't come at me taylor swifties, I'm scared of you)
Dolphins @ Browns
We travel just a hop-skip-and-a-jump to the Factory of Sadness where the horrors of Tua Sucksallova and "Bob" Dillon Gabriel make me want to kill myself with a tamborine, man.
This has to be the end of Michael McDanny. His head coaching career just has to have reached the limits like his capri pants trying to strain across his chicken-leg shins.
Greatriots @ Tittans
We move south of the Mason-Dixon line to the only Ten-I-see or care about: Drake Maye.
I know this may sound like a broken record, but the mother fucking Greatriots are back. No I don't care that they have literally played against teams that would otherwise be relegated if this were a Premier League - and I will continue to not care until we hit the playoffs and I have deluded myself into thinking we can win the whole god damn thing.
Let's go B's I mean P's!
The more things change they more they stay the same: can't wait to see the Colts and Pats in the AFC Championship game.
Oakland Rrrrrrrrrraiders @ Chefs
Let's travel on to the Midwest kingdom of Benign Brisket and Barbeque Rubs that Jesus would die for.
While it would look like the Superbowl window for the Buffalo Bluecows has slammed itself shut, there are a collective few who refuse to pass the torch to the newer generation of competitors: and those few are the motherfucking Chiefs.
Geno "football terrorist" Smith continues his self-imposed internal jihad against any sort of justification that he is worth the salary he is being paid. Every week the Seattle Seahawks look like the Oracle from Minority Report by cutting the man loose before he brought upon this intifada.
Holy shit, the Raiders fucking suck. How did the Patriots lose to this team??
Panthers @ Jest
Iggles @ Vikes
In a move that anyone could have predicted, Jalen Hurts had an incredible game this week since my wife finally decided to bench his ass in favor of Big Dak Energy. AJ Brown has finally put his twitter fingers to good use and fondled up a couple of clutch tiddies - which must have felt like the big bags of sand Saquon must have strapped to his legs because holy shit, why the fuck can this dude not get the same production this year??
The Vikings are struggling mightily - for each of the six red zone trips, they would get lost and end up trapped in Wentzylvania.
I'm sure the team can't wait for JJ to return, excepet for the fact that he also fuckin sucks.
GEEEE Men @ Donkeys
To Mile High we go where for three quarters, the Giants enjoyed a very productive outing, scoring a touchdown in every quarter - but as if the writing was more obvious than a Goosebumps plot twist, the missed PAT and 2pt conversions just had to rear their ugly head later in the game somehow, right? RIGHT??
That they did, but in a worse way than anyone could have ever predicted possible.
After scoring an unprecedented 33 points in the fourth quarter to lead his time to a win, Bo "Kevin Malone" Nix was quoted as saying, "why score in four quarters when one do trick?"
With any fucking combination of the two missed PATs and a missed 2pt conversion that could have been the difference in this matchup, Brian "gave" Daboll and da game away with his poor coaching.
Windiana Jones and the Harbaugh of Doom
While I may have no idea where I was going with that title, I think we can finally claim the Colts are rising up the ranks of legitimacy. Their defense is great. Their offense is great. Their special teams are present. Daniel Jones is playing out of his mind and Jonathan Taylor Touchdown is playing at MVP levels.
Derspite a sweet game by Justin "Herbert's Candies" where he played like he was the lone air traffic controller at LAX the Colts made them look even stupider than they already appeared while wearing full-on dipshit yellow uniforms. Banish those atrocities to color rush.
Commanders @ Dallas
Down we go to Jerryworld where Jayden Daniels continues to regress to the mean, while Dak whipped out his CeeDeez Nutz and put on a show that would be determined illegal in 28 states. Over his last four games, Dak has 1,081 yards, 13 TDs, 0 INTs, and a 128.1 rating. Obviously he fucking sucks and the Cowboys failures are all on him.
Some would say that Romo walked so Dak could run, but we all know Romo stepped on a crack and broke is back so Dak could be under attack.
Washington now has to prepare for an absolute assblasting at the hands of the Chiefs next Monday night.
Pack @ Wolfpack
Kyler Murray inactive just two days after the Battlefield 6 release??
Well, it didn't matter because we had the ever delicious Jacoby Briskett on the menu for the Cardinals. The man played incredibly well, but unfortunately Micah "birthing" Parsons had himself the game all of Green Bay has been waiting for like it was a bowl of cheese curds and mashed brats heating on their backyard tire fire.
We've come a long way from the Wolfpack pic shared from almost 10-years ago, and I don't know about you but I hate it.
Buccos @ Loins
I've been waiting all Monday for Monday Night, and it came and delivered .. a couple of fucking terrible games. Ironic, we started with trash on Sunday morning, and we ended with trash Monday night.
With a defense of complete unknowns cobbled together in a cave with masking tape, playing cards, and streamers, the Legion of Whom played an incredible game against who many have called a front-runner for MVP in "Shake and" Baker Mayfield.
The best part of this game was the 7pm start time. Although the 10pm start for game two was a fucking war crime.
Texans @ Seattle
Well, at least one team from Seattle didn't their hearts absolutely ripped out from their asshole last night. Unfortunately, it wasn't nearly as watchable as the one that took place in the city most Americans think is the northern most MLB city who hosted the team that is actually the northern most MLB team.
Some would say this was a great memorial to the now deceased PAC-12 After Dark, but most would consider it a nightmare worth sleeping through.
RECAP TIME
I know I say this every fucking week, but you're going to have to take this with a bit of salt. This was a brutal week that included me spraining my fucking thumb while stirring up some cauliflower tots for the toddler. Getting old blows, and having more obligations like house, work, family, and a Warhammer addiction means less time for memery and learning new vulgar words.
L (5-2) Ready, Willing, and Vrabel
W (3-4) Doug Flutonian
Let's begin with the absolute thwomping that once-was-first-place Ready, Willing, and Vrabel took at the hands of the mighty and very handsome, might I say, Doug Flutonian. On the back of other-worldly scoring by Ja'Marr Chase, Trey "Mr." McBride, Daniel "how the fuck is this guy seriously doing this" Jones, and Tee "Hee" Higgins (shamone), the mighty Flutonian notched his third win of the season to keep in the playoff race.
W (4-3) darnold's pizza kitchen
L (2-5) CMCR1P1
Speaking of high-flying, high-scoring, darnold's pizza kitchen (who is also very handsome) did his damnedest to keep pace with his (remember: very handsome) brother. While he fell short of the 160 point mark, the man still but the absolute fucking slappity-smack-down on the world's number one Baker Hater, CMCR1P1.
Everyone up and down the roster pitched in, except for that dickbag Michael Mayer. Fake-assed Halloween name.
L (3-4) My Guys
W (2-5) Slava I Crain
My Guys. Yo man. What kind of asshole doesn't hit 100 points?
no wait..
What kind of pathetic Fantasy Football player can't hit 90 points?
oh sh-..
You know what. Fantasy football is stupid, and I hate everyone that keeps hitting these absolutely bananas numbers of like 120+, 130+, 150+
Fuck you guys (and girl). God damn it.
PS. Good win, Slava I Crain
L (3-4) TreVeyon My Wayward Son
W (5-2) Shough It Dude Let's Go Boweling
Good fuckin lord. 170 points?? WHY CAN'T I FUCKING GET OVER THESE TOTALS?
OH YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE YOU FUCKING DOUBLED UP MY GOD DAMN TOTAL, Shough It Dude. Fuck.
FUCKING JAXSON DART, JONATHAN TAYLOR, AND ORONDE GADSDEN "FLAG" ALONE OUTSCORED MY DIPSHIT ASS.
OK, enough about me. We'll have plenty more bitching once I get to my recap. On the other hand, I have no fucking idea what to say - who the fuck even is Oronde Gadsden II??
TreVeyon My Wayward Son, I'm trying to come up with some constructive comments about your roster - but you can't even blame this malarkey on Josh Allen and Zay being out on BYE. Sometimes the bell tolls for thee, and on this week, the bell was placed inside your anus and rung so hard relatives on your ancestral plane felt it.
W (4-3) Gibbs and Take
L (3-4) Two hotdogs one bun
In what was the closest matchup of week 7, Gibbs and Take had himself a lemon party and beat Two hotdogs one bun to 4 wins.
Looking at these two fuckin rosters is mildly hilarious: they both resemble absolute shit sandwiches with incredible performances bookending complete and miserable outputs by the creamy, dookie center.
Two hotdogs one bun's roster was so top-heavy, it looks should have been named Hootie McBoobidis. That's it, that's the joke.
L (3-4) The Lying Media
W (5-2) Olave it Hurts
Welp. The Bolton Civil War has ended, and Olave it Hurts takes the career record against her dumbass idiotic husband to 2-1 with what appeared to be little effort on her part. Shit, she could have literally benched all but four of her players and still won against The Lying Media's absolutely sad sack of shit roster.
But can anyone in this league say they had a player score 12.34 points? Come on, the aesthetic of that has to mean something, right? Please? Maybe worth a win? I really wanted to be above .500 for the love of fucking God. What the fuck was this bullshit.
Fin.
Welp. Finally, week 7 can be officially declared dead and gone. Get ready for week 8 and the BYEmageddon that it will bring forth (there's like, 18 teams on BYE give or take a dozen) and especially get ready for the home stretch of Spooky Season! We got 7 more days until Halloween and the beginning of fucking November, holy shit. That was fucking fast.
So stay safe out there, keep your ass warm and out of the jackpot, and definitely take care of yourself. Much love to all you motherfuckers, and as always - I hope you all lose.
PS. Stay away from any NBA-player-hosted poker games for a little bit
WE DOUBLIN' UP TODAY