Post that I might rename later
W (7-3) Shough It Dude Let's Go Poop
L (2-8) Slava I Crain
As much as I want to give this Shough It Dude bro shit and complain about how he's scored over 1400 fucking points while no other team has hit 1300,,,
So I will.
Life is god damn un-fucking-fair. It's not even like it's just JTT having week after week of 3 tiddie Total Recall games, you get to enjoy that Ekbigogu nabbing 20 or 30 points, and then the incredible Llamar Jackson ripping up another regular season game.
And don't even get me fucking started with your stupid asshole Dem Boys wide receivers.
God damn lucky as fuck to not be stuck with Jacory Crotchy-Smellitt who fucking god damn sucks asshole. Just an absolutely miserable under-performer. In a league (this one) where any asshole can get a 10+ point projection for just suiting the fuck up on Sunday, this dickbag barely musters up 9 points.. as his projection. He hasn't hit double digits for five fucking weeks.
And then you have AJ Brown - the dude is talented as fuck but acts like an emotionally unstable character from Euphoria.
W (7-3) Olave it Hurts
L (4-6) CMCR1P1
Ahh, it's the official oh-shit-the-two-teams-that-traded-rachaad-white-and-michael-pittman-jr matchup to see who truly won the exchange, because as we all know, there is no such thing as a win-win trade.
And speaking of winning, looks like Olave it Hurts is taking this one - with no thanks to either of the traded fuckers. White barely topped 10 points, and Pittman Jr. shat himself with fewer than 4 points.
What it truly came down to was the fact that old man Rodgers fucking sucks ass when his teams depend on him for fucking something, anything. The guy did some shit earlier in the season but it turns out his ass just completely fucking falls apart as he hits November. Perhaps less time spend in the gym instead of a pitch black hut chuggin down ayahuasca.
Sure, it's probably pretty fun to vomit for hours while seeing through multiple generational planes of existence, but completing touchdowns is probably pretty fun too.
W (4-6) Two hotdogs one bun
L (4-6) Doug Flutonian
Hot damn what a fuckin Sunday Night comeback win by Two hotdogs one bun. Justin Herbert and Chris "like a" Boswell teamed up to outpace Kenneth "didn't" Gainwell "at all" and steal a win from the powerful grip of Doug Flutonian.
Of course, I'd be remiss to not bring up the message Doug Flutonian shared about how if he had simply started the other defense, the win would have been all his - but this kind of hindsight is very dangerous because no one in their right god damn mind would have started the Packers defense against the defending Super Bowl champions if they could start a defense against Marcus "not so Super" Mariota (wahooo).
I mean, come on. The Commanders fuckin suck. The fact that the Lions only mustered 4.0 points against them is actually shocking - but not as shocking as Dan Quinn leaving Jayden Daniels in during a complete blowout.
W (5-5) TreVeyon My Wayward Son
L (5-5) darnold's pizza kitchen
Hmm. What's some clever way I could explain what happened here? HMMMM.
I think ultimately, this matchup came down to the fact that the most confounding handcuff situation in the league since last season's Chase Brown and Zack Moss is motherfucking Bijan al-Gaib and Tyler Allegory.
In most cases, you pick up the backup to one of your key players (typically the running back) so in case there is an injury situation you can just slot in the next man up and still reap some great pointage because a lot of the times a good running back implies a stout offensive line capable of creating running lanes.
Look at the Vikings as a great example, Old Man Aaron Jones Sr. went down and so his backup Jordan Mason stepped up and had himself a great run as the replacement.
But Tyler and Bijan?? I swear it's completely fucking random whether one performs better than the other. I'm sure darnold's pizza kitchen can attest to the irritatingly cause-and-effect of:
- start Tyler and Bijan goes off
- start Bijan and Tyler goes off
- start both and Penix goes off (giggity)
So yeah. I don't have any advanced analytics to back me up on this but I think my main conclusion to this is:
Fucking fantasy fooball. Like, seriously this fucking god damn hobby. Fantasy Football is more confounding than understanding why my cat is staring intensely at a blank wall.
L (5-5) My Guys
W (6-4) Gibbs and Take
If I had to put my finger on why My Guys lost to Gibbs and Take, it's probably because Sam Darnold.
The myth. The man. The mono.
Just remember:
Mono = one
Nucleosis = rail
No wait, wrong joke reference.
Anyway, just ignore everything I've already said and let's start over:
Seattle played so fucking well, that it gave Sam Darnold just enough confidence to fuck up over and over again and then have the keys to the car offense taken away from him so he wouldn't be able to help My Guys get nearly enough points to be competitive.
The Seahawks put up another 28-0 halftime lead, so obviously they were well on their way to a win, but Darnold ended up just fucking up left and right with 3 turnovers (which is fucking insane). So he not only halved his entire point total, but obviously his coach is going to cut his own balls off before he lets Darnold do anything significant, thus cratering any fantasy owners' chances at success.
Now. As far as discussing the team that actually won:
Matthew Statpadford is absolutely electrifying and has absolutely played himself into the MVP conversation. HE'S FUCKIN TOPPED 30+ POINTS IN 5 OUT OF HIS LAST 6 GAMES. Fucking beast.
Pair Fratford with Gibbsy and Drizzy and god damn, Gibbs and Take might finally be peaking at the right time as he rides into the postseason.
L (4-31) The Lying Media
W (7-3) Ready, Willing, and Vrabel
You know. I thought I may have had myself a decent week:
- Goff went off
- Old Man Aaron "not rodgers" Jones went off
- Rico "no pumps" Dowdle went off
- Diggs "up, stupid" went off
- yadda yadda yadda
Not only did I have a pretty sweet output, but Ready, Willing, and Vrabel stumbled with Garrett Wilson shitting out a goose-egg and having some of his offensive weapons on BYE.
And guess what, did it matter?
DID IT EVEN FUCKING MATTER AT ALL??
NO IT FUCKING DID NOT.
What the fuck is this god damn bullshit from the Bears?? Caleb and Odunze are some juggernaut 1-2 punch now?? Apparently, no one can stop the De'Von "A-Train" Achane. Then a bunch of other horsehittery from DeVonta and Kittle. I guess that's the difference between the cream of the crop and the shit crust of the asshole.
Fin
Welp, there we have it folks. Yeah I know, this was a lot more lean cuisine than the usual fat-fucker affairs, but guess what: you'll get over it, just like what I don't let me daughter crawl into the oven like she wants to so very badly.
Holy shit, we're already halfway through November. And this is one of those fuckin steamroll holiday seasons, too. Thanksgiving comes fairly late in November which means one of the fewest number of days before Christmas rolls around and jams us in the face.
So what I'm trying to say is: take care, I hope you get to enjoy this time of year, and make sure your plans are ironclad and bulletproof because before you know it we'll all be waking up and it'll be god damn 2026. What a fuckin weird god damn year to type.
Good luck this week, go Patriots - oh wait, they ALREADY GOT THEIR LEAGUE-BEST NINTH FUCKIN WIN AWW YEA - and hope everyone has a nice and competitive matchup, unless you're going against me, in which case I hope you lose by 100 points.
Love you guys.