2023

Picking your friend's nose

Joe

11 Aug 2023 • 3 min read

Draft Pickery

So until I get unbanned from Twitch due to those rather unfortunate comments I made during a live stream of my first round playoff matchup against Pharaoh last season, I'm going to have to author this Reaction Content as a column instead of as a video. Admittedly, I should have taken the hint from the seven warnings I had received previously, but there’s only so much discipline I can show when desperation mode hits.

Especially when that S3xy opponent is one that literally couldn’t muster up a fucking win if the owner’s life depended on it the previous fucking season (those god damn, plucky Shit Sandwiches) and yet despite some fuckin ridiculous trade midseason - that email reaction was fucking legendary - was able to find themselves at the top of the mother fucking standings with that Mayo on White Bread QB, Kirk Cousins leading their roster.

Just reminiscing about the end of last season.

…

Anyway, on to the draft reactions:

1. Amish Electricians

I can only assume our fearless Commissioner mistakenly froze the wrong Dan’s sheet of paper while rigging the draft. Or it was some deal with the Devil to get him to join the league - I’m not making accusations, people are simply saying this.

2. the sports zone

OK. Cool. Our second league rookie within the first two picks. Superduper. Totally great and on the up-and-up. So far, no bamboozle.

3. S3xy Randall Pharaoh Wizards

Last year’s winner with the third pick. And now two family members within the top three picks. Boy oh boy, finding something to bitch and moan about has been stupid easy for me so far.

4. I went to the real Harvard

Another new person. Three rookies in the top four picks. This is getting ridiculous. Get your brooms everyone, we just may have to declare shenanigans.

5. SmokinJoeSpouse

OH, COME THE FUCK ON. ANOTHER ONE??

PS. Fucking God-Tier team name.

6. Two hotdogs one bun

Oof. We are in the thick of perhaps my least favorite pick-range when it comes to snake draft picks. All you do is fuckin sit. And wait. And watch all your favorite choices get snapped up.

Another solid team name, though. Love it.

7. Our Fearless Commish

You gotta step up your rigging game. You’re the freakin Commissioner, you don’t need anyone to like you. In reality, no one ever likes their commissioner so you seriously have to lean into the villain role

8. Team Golder

Another grizzled veteran thanked for their tireless efforts and annual entry fee by being stuck in the garbage range of snake draft pick numbers. How dare you, Selection Hat. How dare you.

9. The Lying Media

This is an unspeakable travesty, from which I may never financially recover. My only option is to completely salt the Earth through these weekly columns, which I was going to do anyway.

10. Captain Rising Sun

Damn. A rookie and they pick 10th? The fuck did you do to deserve this? You must have really pissed off our Dear Commissioner.

11. Butt Fumblers

At least you get to pick twice in the span of four picks and you have a built-in excuse in case things don’t go your way.

12. Ethel St. False Starts

The Caboose. Sure it totally fuckin sucks, but at least you get to pick twice in a row, which is nice.

A travesty of a sham

Not really sure what happened. This is what I see as the draft order. I feel like it's perfect and shouldn't have been changed to suit the agenda of Big Sorting Hat.