pee pee poo poo

OK. Well. A lot of shit happened over the last week: Football for four straight days (or three out of four for folks like myself who don't really care all that much about amateurs). At least one Thanksgiving-related celebration. Winter storm on Tuesday. And any child-borne related illnesses (personally, my first encounter with such a plague).

So you're all getting fuckall when it comes to recapping the actual NFL games from the last week. Shit, you're not even going to get recaps of our matchups either.

Howevah, instead of shortened recaps, I thought it would be prudent to offer double the amount of full summaries of everyone's fuckign season masquerading as a god damn power rankings. Seriously not sure whether my dipshit logic was sound on that one. I could have just re-used a bunch of dumbass memes and called it a day, but no - I just had to pop. squat. and shit out these idiotic paragraphs.

Enjoy this malarkey, because it's the last column for a couple of weeks because it's simply not wintery enough here in New England, so the family is taking a trip to Europe again - but this time it's to fucking Iceland. Hoping to catch me some Northern Lights that don't come in the form of the stickiest of the icky, but actually those god damn charged particles that look super fuckin neato in the sky.

So if you want some future recaps done with you involved, you better make the playoffs and win.

LET'S GO.

Now, I have a very complex computer system in place that helps me determine these rankings. A lot of very important data points are taken into account for me to come up these incredibly accurate and informative rankings:

• Wins
• Losses
• Points for
• Points against (not really)
• Win/loss streak
• Team name
• Whether I'm married to them
• Gave me back video games that they borrowed from me in High School

THE HAVES

1. Hail to the King: Stuffing

Shough It Dude Let's Go Bowling

Kind of impossible not to give it to this god damn asshole. He is undeniably the king of shit mountain this regular season:

• 100+ points more than the second highest point getterer (1816.36 vs. 1682.08).
• Second best active streak (four in a fucking row)
• Has an incredible offense (Jonathan Taylor, Compact Disc Lamb, George "Slim" Pickens)
• Has Llamar Jackson
• Jimbo Dalvin Cook III

Frankly, the weakest part of his whole roster is at QB.

Either he has to start a stupid idiot human missile in Jaxson Dart, or "Peak Playoff Form" Llamar Jackson. If he ever falters, it's going to be due to a combination of Dart caving his own head in because he locked himself out of his house, and had to break in by slamming his face into the thickest part of his front door, as well as Llamar Jackson continuing to think he's in the playoffs.

Holy shit, that second sentence was so fucking long. I can't believe it actually kinda makes sense.

2. This ain't no Jive Turkey, it's Fried

Gibbs and Take

Yo. Fuck this guy, too. This motherfucker came from fucking nowhere to capture the second best regular season record via tiebreaker.

Sure, he's only at fourth most points scored, but his late season 5-game win streak is god damn legendary. Many would say there is no such thing as "clutch" in Fantasy Football, but I'd argue that something something something 5 wins in a row to guarantee a playoff spot.

Similar to that Mother-Shougher, this Gibbs and Take has some outstanding offense players:

• After a very slow season start, Tractorcito is rounding into form - especially over the last three weeks
• Titty-air McMillion is a rising star that kind came out of fuckin nowhere
• Kenneth Walker III showing off with Chardonnet going down
• And of course, mother fucking Jahmyr Gibbs is god damn beasting at the right time

However, one area where Gibbs and Take shines over Shough It Dude Let's go Bowling would be the QB position: Because he has the ageless Matt Statpadford.

We'll see how far this asshole's fucking awesome team that I fucking hate carries him.

3. Some fuckin Mac n Cheese

Olave it Hurts

Some would say that Olave it Hurts grabbed the top 3 spot because she happens to be sleeping with the media, but I can assure you: all of our present and future children came within wedlock. I understand this is a very pure Christian Fantasy Football league, so in accordance of Christianity Laws, we constantly curse our creator's name whenever our rosters don't perform as we demand they should.

In all seriousness, [borat voice] my wife has herself a fucking stellar team this season. She's overcome quite a number of difficulties:

• Relying on Bucky Irving to return quickly
• Trading for and depending on Rachaad White
• Constantly starting the wrong QB between Dak Prescott and Jalen Hurts
• Cursed to have me giving her terrible advice (I'M TRYING MY HARDEST TO KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, OK???)
• Thinking Bucky Irving has to be come back
• Despite being the Supreme Creator God and primary source of life, light, and warmth, Ra was sacrificed on Thanksgiving in order to really fuck up Olave it Hurts' future chances

One thing I have to give her a lot of credit on, is her incredible defense. With 1337.54 points allowed, she has far-and-away been the best defense in the league. It's pretty incredible to see how disciplined she is at preventing opposing teams to score. One of the hardest areas to coach in Fantasy Football, and she puts a lot of pride and effort into it.

(I love you sweetheart)

4. Gimme them carbs: bread, biscuits, cornbread

darnold's pizza kitchen

My first fucking curve ball of the rankings. Honestly, this shit got really fucking stupid real fast because you motherfuckers all couldn't give me anything decent to work with so now my power rankings essentially looks just like the god damn league standings. Hopefully you're all like me, and barely ever click on any part of the Fantasy League website/app and outside of just My Team and Matchup so you wouldn't know anyway.

Yeah but anyway, darnold's pizza kitchen. Absolute fucking Road Warriors going 5-0 while on the road is incredible given that he'll most likely get zero home games if he happens to go deep into the playoffs.

And how do you go undefeated on the Road? Well, you score a shitload of points - which he definitely does: 1682.08 Points For is good for second place, and goes great with being in the upper third of Points Allowed. I had to give this jabroni the fourth spot over Ready, Willing, and Vrabel because his clutch two-game win streak helped propel him into a guaranteed playoff spot.

Speaking of ready and able, with Bijan al-Gaib, Drake "Drake Maye" Maye, Brock Bowers, and TDavanate Adams, this roster is loaded with enough firepower to potentially go deep into the playoffs as well.

Only downside is dickface, Courtland "worst of the apples" Sutton. I don't care that he had 17+ last week, the asshole just doesn't show up as often as he should. Fuck that guy.

Also, the Broncos suck, too.

5. Pies

Ready, Willing, and Vrabel

This dude was the Luigi to Shough It's Mario. The Abbott to his Costello. The Shake to his Bake. The Crack to his Cocaine.

But then the stumbles began and while this roster has thankfully earned the third highest Points For in the league, Ready, Willing, and Vrabel dropped a number of games that he needed to win to keep pace with the very tippity top of the league. Thankfully, he still was able to secure a playoff spot.

But how far is he going to make it?

...Probably decently far.

Sure, while he does not have Gibbs or Taylor, he has Achane - probably the third best running back in the league this season, just blasting out points like it's my daughter shitting dragonfruit seeds.

And sure, I fuckin hate the guy, but Patrick Mahomes looks like he's finally back to actually putting up quality Fantasy Football numbers again. Slightly inconsistent, but unlike recent previous seasons, he's performing and carrying teams to wins.

Pair that fuckface with Rashee Rice, and you got a very great 1-2 punch. It's been fucking wild how well Rice has hit the ground once he returned in week 7. Just the pedal to the metal, all gas no breaks.

The Beginning of the Fantasy Zombies

Three playoff spots with six potential teams. Only two of us even have a chance of ending the season with an even record. No one is really sure how we're all still going when in reality, a couple of us should be absolutely dead and gone. We are, the zombies.

6. Some motherfuckin roasted veggies

The Lying Media

Hey!!

Somehow I'm actually positioned to potentially grab a playoff spot despite the fact that my absolutely shit-quality roster hasn't even broken the 1400 point threshold for scoring this season. It's fucking stupid, literally everyone has scored at least 1400, and it's left me with no fucking tiebreaker against any of you assholes.

In order to make the postseason, it looks like I will have to win this upcoming week and .. well .. I'm going to not have one of my best performers in Rico Dowdle, who was sliding in point production over the last 5 weeks anyway. So lucky me?

My roster of second string kings are going to hopefully fucking rise up and give me #1 numbers whether it is:

• David Montgomery behind Gibbs
• Jameson Williams replacing the Supreme God, Ra
• Michael Wilson showing up Starvin Marvin Harrison III

And that fucking old piece of shit asshole, Aaron Jones Sr. better god damn fucking play. Fuck your injured shoulder, I need fantasy points. Just get a god damn painkiller shot and shorten your life by 18 months.

I need this win.

7. Candied yams

My Guys

Well, hello there fellow trading partner. Nice to see that Joe Burrow is back in action, and Chase Brown looks like he's in great form. Diggs has regressed into the early-season disappointment he started as - but I feel like that's the greatest sign of the Patriots' return to greatness:

Offensive skill positions are becoming inconsistent performers week-to-week. Of course, while this year has been so much fucking fun, they may still have a little ways to go to completely return to form because TreVeyon has been consistently great ever since he finally replaced Rhamondrehedron.

Anyway, Puka is fuckin rad. Even with 13+ points last week, he's so god damn good and a great offensive anchor alongside Chase.

Ashton, though? Who fucking knows. At least in four out of the last five weeks, he's hit double digits - but that Raiders team is an abomination. I've always called Geno Smith a football terrorist, and it makes 100% sense he leads that team. Fucking garbage.

Wait a minute.

Who the fuck..?

Is this a fucking real name? This dude looks like some dipshit completely unoriginal character that Elon Musk would try to create: can think of a first name, but last name? Why not just Tesla?

"Oh wait, that last name isn't allowed? I know, how about ... Teslaa. Hah! Masterful Gambit, Elon." (He's such a fuckin shitbag, I'm 100% sure he refers to himself in the third person).

In conclusion, good luck grabbing a postseason spot.

8. Mashed Potaters

CMCR1P1

Yeah I know, you're very much on the outside looking inward. Sure, you have the fourth fewest points scored this season. But you have something that like, so many of the bottom half of teams don't really have: not a multi-game losing streak.

That's right: your one-game losing streak sets you apart from the last five teams in the bottom 5 (well, not Slava I Crain .. but there are other things that set you apart that are slightly more important).

I'm probably not going to go too much more into your team, but this Baker hatin' sonofabitch has a very non-zero chance of making the fucking playoffs after starting the season as a complete dumpster fire. It's going to take quite a bit of luck for you to start just the right players to defeat the absolutely flaming hot Gibbs and Take. But I would not be surprised if your three-headed RB monster led by monster tamer, Jaxon Smith-Njigba "please" actually pulled it off.

Personally, I hope you don't because that'll most likely mean I get knocked out of playoff spot.

[JOE: welp, Jahmyr just scored his 4th touchdown of the night .. hopefully most of what I wrote can be salvaged, cause I ain't re-writing nothin]

9. Goodness Gravy

Doug Flutonian

Oh great. Another fucking team that I have to root against otherwise I'll probably get my pass slapped out of the postseason. Yes, you currently occupy the final playoff spot, but you're going to need a lot of help to get your ass into the tournament.

Thankfully, I'm more than happy to provide that help because as per usual - my ass sucks at this fucking hobby. And if you capture this win against the 12th ranked team (GO SLAVA), and I shit the bed, you're fuckin in.

It's not impossible. Daniel Jones may be reverting back to Danny Dimes ca. NYGiants era, but he's still slapping up 20 fantasy points. Gainwell is shockingly inconsistent, but when it rains it pours - and hopefully you'll be shittin up a storm.

Then you have the incredible Bengal duo: Tee "hee" Higgins and Ja'Marr "Thrill of the" Chase. You better be happier than a crypto bro rolling in shitcoin with Joe "best first name in sports" Burrow coming back.

So cheers to that!

10. Green bean casserole

TreVeyon My Wayward Son

Now. I know I say this a lot, but this fucking guy. This fucking guy right here.

Fuckin guy that I'm referring to, at this moment in this particular section.

TreVeyon My Wayward Son right now is projected to donkey punch me out of my playoff spot, which would fuckin suck because all it would take is one other of these asshole 5-8 teams to win, which come on, there's like 7 of them, and I'm sure one of them will come out victorious.

So I come here to bargain: just throw the fuckin game, please.

That's it. That's the bargain.

I have no fucking shit to bargain with. So yeah.

11. Cranberry sauce

Two hotdogs one bun

Mr. 12% over here. That's right. 12% chance of making the postseason.

And as we all know with Fantasy Football: expect the unexpected complete and utter bullshit.

I don't even know if he has enough players to even field a complete roster for the week. The fuck is going on with Kamara? And this Chris Rodriguez Jr motherfucker?? Who the fuck even are these people?? God damn man, where was Two hotdogs one bun when I needed an opponent.

..oh, that was last week..

Well. I can tell you, I'm going to do my part and get my shit pushed in by this Wayward Son fucker, so if Christmas comes early for you Mr. Hotdogs, we may have to throw hands on Boxing Day.

Slava.

The one and only.

12. Salad.

Slava I Crain

Welp. This season was not kind for Señor Slava. It's these situations where I have a lot of respect for someone continuing to manage their roster. Despite getting absolutely rocked by some of the highest point totals I've seen this season, the effort remained.

It didn't matter whatsoever, but hey, I know I personally appreciated it because the lone win since October was against one of my biggest competitors for a postseason spot. And shit, if he can win again it would make my holiday season and stomp the postseason chances of another god damn fantasy zombie.

So I salute you, Mr. 12th Rank. You a truly one of the greatest heroes, in American history.

Fin.

Please allow me to officially be the last to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. Hope that shit was a blast for everyone, whether you spent it with friends, family, or all alone. I know that Rachel, Penny, and myself did two out of the three and I have to admit that not spending Turkey Day with anyone but ourselves was fuckin awesome. Of course, we did see both sides of the family tree on Friday and Saturday, so that shit was expectedly exhausting, but 100% delicious.

So I hope the remaining portion of this waning year is kind to you all and those you enjoy spending it with, and to those of you spending it with folks you do not enjoy, may it be quick and merciful.

Enjoy the rest of week 14, happy Saint Nicholas day (tomorrow), and I'll be seein' y'all back here in like, 2 weeks? I can't figure out the math exactly but it definitely won't be next week, and most likely not the following either. If the postseason happens to still be going on, then yeah, maybe then, which is always nice because then I'll only have one or two games to recap anyway.

Take care, much love, and happy fuckin holidays!