Not garbage can't, garbage can

Happy Fuckin Halloween and All Saints Day and Dias de los Muertos! What a god damn trilogy of days. I don't think there's much of anything like it.

Speaking of spectacular, check out this incredible performance,

So what severity of CTE would you say this is?

Base-a-ball!

I'm torn. On one hand, we don't fucking go to these games (who am I kidding, I don't even watch).

Hah kidding around, we don't watch baseball for the umps. We shouldn't really know their fuckin names. We shouldn't have to deal with them acting like god damn Diamond Divas.

But I also love numbahs. I love nerd stats. I love the idea of anyone having a "Perfect Day" at where they work. Whether they're a barista and got zero orders wrong, nothing served too hot, nothing with too much ice.

Or maybe you update spreadsheets all day, and you managed to never need to ctrl+z and undo anything. You didn't once input data into the wrong cell.

Maybe you

...

I think I'm in favor of this form of Ump celebration. If they get lauded for being perfect? The fuck am I gonna complain for?

The Dork Knight

NO FUN LEAGUE TIME

Ravens @ Buccos

Denver Broncos @ London Jaguars

What the fuck. People actually woke up early to watch this game? I have a lot to say about the various time zones and how they affect football watching. Actually, I probably rant about it at least once a season. But just to at least touch on it, here's what the start times are:

• EST: 930am
• CST: 830am
• MST: 730am
• PST: 630am

Are there no fucking NFL fans on the west coast? Is this for fucking real?

Yes. Yes it is for real. I fuckin lived it for a couple of years. Fucking garbage bullshit.

Really, the only saving grace, is that probably every single game in London has sucked asshole. There was that Rams vs. Patriots game I wanted to catch, but I'd rather sleep so you can understand the bind I was in.

There were plenty of facets at play, but instead of delving in it - I'd like to share this very simple questionaire about NFL Timezonery: https://forms.gle/iXBSQQMiGBVqmBve8

Answer it as honestly as you can and I'll speak to the results, especially if I disagree with them.

Panthers @ Falcons

I can't wait to see the seismograph chart graph shit they always have for Falcons games. The end of the game always looks like someone who is getting their dick attacked by bees having their path transcribed with an etch-a-sketch. Love that shit.

And wouldn't you know it, here it is:

Resulting in quite the slew of division leaders,

Bears @ Cowboys

Justin Fields with the "business decision"

But really, kid looked great.

Dolphins @ Lions

As a Top Tier Power-Hater of the Dolphins, this was just fucking painful as hell. I really fucking want Detroit to fucking win some games and maybe even assert themselves in this fucking league.

God damn mother fucking TuAnon just keeps on chugging down there in Miami. Indiscriminantly picking up pure-blood fans from the broken-down Tampa Brady bandwagon, and most likely staying the fuck away from Duvall County.

Why would they not want all Florida fanbases? Simple:

• Duval County has a 904 area code
• First drop was 10/28/2017 (happy 5th year anniversary btw!)
• 904 days after the first drop, was 1/26/2018
• We are currently in 2022, shortened to '22
• If you subtract 20 days and then add 2 years to 1/26/2018: 1/6/2020
• Oh wait, add one more,
• And you get 1/6/2021 which we all know, was just a false flag. It wasn't real. It can't be proven. There are literaly zero pictures or video taken of this. It was staged by Antifa in conjunction with the Reverse-Vampires.

Ipso facto: Duval County isn't located in the United States. I have plenty of sources coming from smobserved dot com (Google Chrome and Mozilla Firefox browsers will actually wipe any hyperlinks to the site, but those smoothbrains are no match to my workarounds).

We're through the looking-glass here people.

Cards @ Vikes

It's awesomely poetic that the Vikings won on back-to-back sacks on Jared Allen day. I gotta admit, there's a bit of nostalgia for that mustachiod & mulletted man.

I have nothing nice to say about the Cardinals. As mentioned earlier, I'm not a fan of their frachise aesthetic. And when I say not a fan, I would lead a crusade in order to wipe them from the planet as well as history books.

But hey, this Rondale Moore guy is pretty good at what he does,

Raiders @ Saints

I misse most every second of this game, but it would appear that the entire Raiders coaching staff did as well. What the fuck was that? 0 points?

Belichick Double Agent Theory at work right here. Although the Raiders really aren't that hated by the Patriots now that we had our revenge for the Phantom Roughing the Passer call in '76 (I remember it like it was yesterday), so I dunno why Belichick wouldn't be trying to do this to another franchise.

Colts and McDaniels made sense. The Broncos with .. well.. McDaniels made sense. The Texans with a slew of fellas, I guess made sense?

But the Raiders? Maybe Bill is pissed they left California.

Pats @ Jets

13th straight win.

Conklin is a fucking beast at wide receiver.

And there's plenty of other solid skill positions on that roster.

So you know what you gotta do, Jets:

TRADE FOR BRADY, YOU COWARDS.

Steelers @ Eagles

Steagles are reunited, once again.

Kind of a cool history.

This game, though? Yikes. How about we play this game:

Which team had only one play in the red zone?

Yep, you guessed it: The Eagles. And that's why they scor-... Wait what the fuck, 35 points?

Tities @ Texans

Everyone was talkin about how the Texans are pretty mushy, so you can rush on them. Makes sense that Tractorcito just stomped the life out of the Texans like good ol' fashioned American History X Curb Stomp.

Oh God. We have the Texans on this Thursday Night? Ewwww.

Commodes @ Colts

That Sam Ehlinger (spelling?) wasn't all that bad.

Good for him.

49ers @ Rams

1. What the fuck is Kupp doing out there!?!?
2. The Rams have no real fans.
3. CMC = good.

Giants @ Seahawks

The Geno Smith revenge tour continues.

A sentence that would have literally melted my brain if you showed this to me before week 1. Shit man, the crowd's fuckin chanting his name. He's a god damn legitimate MVP candidate this season. What the fuck is this timeline?

Geno is frankly, a terrible tank commander. He'd be great in the Russian armed forces.

(s/o to Carroll - I guess he's pretty, pretty, pretty good)

Packers @ Bills

The Packers covered. Not bad.

Bengals @ Browns

A couple years ago, this would be absolutely dreadful.

In 2022, it ended up being pretty close to dreadful.

I'll just describe this matchup with the help of a reddit user,

The Browns recently are basically Joe Exotic: we’re an alcohol-fueled disappointment of an organization that likes to abuse tigers
Source: ledforthehead

Recaps!

W - 134.4 (1-7) Second Half Sleeper? - 12%

L - 118.88 (3-5) 2Girls CooperKupp

Was there a discount on 1s and 8s or some shit? And if you didn't like that joke,

A win? A WIN! HE GOT A WIN! OUR COMMISH GOT A WIN!

light-the-beacons.meme

This mother fucker finally wins one, and what he thinks cawk of the walk. And that was all without JTT because I guess that dude just ain't it this year. I guess good on him for winning, because if those 30+ points were left on the bench in a loss .. HOOOO NELLY.

Anyway, I'll just do that instead to 2Girl CooperKupp, cause he left Pollard on the bench. Probably shoulda gone three RBs instead of being let down once again by a Christian.

L - 110.88 (6-2) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

W - 186.22 (6-2) Poopy McGee 💩

Holy fuck. In a battle of top teams, this one had Poopy McGee 💩 absolutely assert themselves as certified Got That Dawg In 'Em.

I must say, even if you started Gibson, Meyers and Williams, I believe you'd only still have 145.68 points. While it is an admirable sum, it's nowhere close to 186 fucking points. Like what the fuck.

You left 20.1 points on the bench but it didn't matter because you literally had nowhere to start him and not lose points.

I mean. Come on.

L - 108.4 (3-5) Lost Cause

W - 175.3 (5-3) Ethel St False Start

Uhm. What the fuck. ANOTHER CRAZY OUTPUT??? 175 and change?? And yes, I know about what's coming up in the next one, I promise to be more measured when it does.

But god damn, Lost Cause definitely lived up to their name in this matchup. There's absolutely no way you overcome an absolute trucking like this (although some would beg to differ, Poopy McGee 💩 accomplished that feat no more then a recap ago). Every single fucking starter scored in double figures. Jesus titty-fucking Christ.

I don't really know what to say. Maybe that it's funny, in one league Joe Mixon only scored 5.9 points, and yet in this league he scored 12.9

But it's not like the other league is super strict on scoring, because one week there was a wide receiver that scored 14.88 (BOO THIS NUMBER) in both leagues.

Fascinating, isn't it?

No?

Yeah.

W - 170.28 (7-1) S3xy Randal Pharoah Wizards

L - 114.22 (3-5) _ LACES OUT

170 points. Normally, that's a standout performance. In our league, it's good enough for third highest output.

But seriously, it was quite the showing between Kamara beating another Vegas resident, to Amari Cooper reminding me that he's in the league, to ultimately me finally being impressed by Cousins.

And then of course, my favorite,

Rhombarcheesi Steviewonderson
S3xy Randal Pharaoh Wizards in our group email

God damn. [Chef's kiss]

Despite gettin two goose-eggs, _ LACES OUT did pretty OK. Topped 114 and showed life.

PS. Jesus. It's gonna be a rough few weeks without Ja'Marr tho.

L - 105.18 (2-6) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

W - 130.24 (4-4) Descreeto Burrito

Oh shit, before I forget when me and the missus were lookin for a place to live we actually ended up going to an open house at your old place! It was a nice stroll down memory lane. From playin' the Doom demo (iddqd, idkfa, idspispopd), to that kinda sunken seating area with the TV where Cam once rocked Mike at Star Fox with Cam on foot and Mike in a fighter (insane upset). The spot outside where we'd lower the rim and slam like Shaquille. Downstairs still looks mostly the same when we'd switch off from Soul Caliber to the NBA Jam arcade machine you had.

Man. Outstanding fuckin times.

Anywho, who the fuck do you think you are? Beatin' me like a bad habit? Christ man. How dare you.

I suppose that's what trusting in the Raiders offense will get me, although fuck me if they weren't legendary last week. Whatever. Fuckit. I got so many god damn alerts about Najee Harris, how the fuck does he not even get 12 points? 11.96 what the fuck? Come the fuck on.

Now glancing at the Descreeto Burrito Roster .. and I see 42 fucking points from CMC. Good God on Earth, that's fucking wild. Whatever. Good for you.

Oh fuck oh shit, power rankings too???

Kit Kats

1. S3xy Randal Pharaoh Wizards

Much like kit kats, there seems to be plenty S3xy Randal to go around (why they're GOATed).

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

2. Poopy McGee 💩

Might not be the top treat, but they're the top at Points For.

Milky Way

3. Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

The losing streak sucks, but the candy does not.

Twizzlers

4. Ethel St False Start

Twizzlers are fuckin incredible, possibly my favorite, but they get so nerfed for Halloween.

Snickers

5. Descreeto Burrito

Pretty damn great, but just not Milky Way great.

M&Ms

6. _LACES OUT

So many fuckin losing streaks. Come on.

Candy Corn

7. 2Girls CooperKupp

I don't even hate this candy, I actually love it. It's the Jelly Beans of October.

Mounds

8. Lost Cause

I should drop you like a bad habit with four losses in a row, but god damn my team sucks so much much.

Tootsie Roll

9. Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

Giving up the most points sucks. Awful treat.

Necco Wafer

10. Second Half Sleeper? - 12%

Much like your playoff chances, this treat is fucking awful.

Fin.

Well shit. Here we are, once again. It would appear that I had zero images in the recaps. Holy fuck, how'd I let that happen. Hope everyone remembered how to fucking read.

Hope everyone had a great Halloween. Mine went pretty well, got to ride the wee little coattails of Rachel's niece and nephew while we went trick or treating with their family. I'm glad I went as a construction worker because the toolbelt fit a whole bunch of beers in it. Worked perfectly.

What's upcoming is mother fucking Thanksgiving, and I dunno about you fellers but we're hosting for the first time. Oh fuck. Oh shit.

So much love to all y'all fuckers, and take care out there. Enjoy your week 9!