So I spent so much time coming up with these cryptic matchup titles, I kinda just didn't leave myself enough time to actually troll the information superhighway enough to steal memery and share it here.

Which is probably for the best given that you've all probably seen't the ones worth viewing by now. And if you haven't, then you probably don't enjoy fun anyway.

With that, let's kick this fucker off! Enjoy!

The Battle for the Bears' Draft Pick

Fucking insane to realize that the Panthers will not have their draft pick next year. How does a team as shitty as the Panthers actually fix themselves after losing out on a very, very hard-earned number one draft pick??

That said, I couldn't be happier to see all of this dipshittery take place under the ownership of another one of these asshole hedge fund billionaire shitbags. David Tepper bringing some fucking asshole "disruptor energy" that he probably insisted on his investments and it only led to the stupidest fucking outcome.

Poor Panthers fans are stuck with freebasing any amount of copium they can get their pulled-pork soaked hands on,

And boy, it's fuckin vinegary (or mustardy).

Violations in International Law

I don't want to overreact, but this is literally my reaction to realizing the Patriots still have 7 more fucking games this season,

I think Robert Kraft owes the German Chancellor a hand-written apology after this absolute fucking atrocity of a magnitude unseen since the mid-40s.

Stroud Boys, Stand Down and Stand By

Holy fuckin' hell. Are the Texans going to get a playoff spot!?

Unleashing the Jameis

2 Touchdowns.
2 Interceptions.

If you don't like that, you don't like Jameis Winston football.

PS. What is this fucking Dobbs guy?? If you presented this script to a Hollywood exec, they would literally slit your throat, break your legs, and murder your family.

We have a 23-19

Fuck. This title was too obscure. I already forget which matchup this was supposed to be for.

Will Levis Survive the Season?

This kid has quicker and better hands pulling his pants back up after the backhand, than the entire Titans offensive line when trying to block for Levis.

God Hates Jags

THE BAND IS ON THE FIELD

Deshaun Cosby Doesn't Know When to Stop

Lmao.

And they gave him a guaranteed $230 million contract.

Now the fucker has opted for season-ending surgery.

MW3 So Bad Kyler Studied Game Tape

(Feat: Arthur Smith Master Class)

meh.

Justin Herbert is Detroit Matthew Stafford

The Mercy Rule Should Exist

I can fuckin hear their voices,

YOOOOOOO. TAWMMY FAHKEN DEEEEEEEE TAWSS A TOUCHDOWN AND MOM WILL MAKE US ANUTHAH LASAGNA WHEN WE GET HOME!!!

Washington in Washingon with Washington losing

Looks like Washington earned themselves the win.

Televised Dumpster Fire

lmao fuck the broncos but also, fuck the bills

Lucky 13.

Matchup Recaps

ARE YOU ALL READY FOR THE PEAK OF PERFORMANCE EXCELLENCE? BECAUSE YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS SOME OF THE MATCHUP RECAPS OF ALL-TIME ON A LEVEL SEEN BEFORE.

haha. what.

W (5-5) Sir, This is an RBs

L (6-4) America First

Holy shit.

142.76 to 131.86

An absolute slugfest reminiscent of one that took place inside my fucking stomach after I had accidentally eaten 1.5 portions of bacon-wrapped, cheese-filled, bratwursts that while fresh when purchased, had been sitting in my refridgerator for like.. two weeks.

Burps that came with confetti-esque bits of bacon fat representing what I would say would be 11.0 points of production.

The wettest farts that had my cheeks clapping against one another, representing outputs from 12 (loud but fairly harmless) to 20 (the smell was something you could literally taste) points.

And then, well, the danger zone of 20+ points. That fine, smelly line between gambling on a fart and outright pissing out of your asshole.

Sure, Brian Robinson Jr. made for a healthy pile of something you'd need to show photos of to your dudebros, but Dak's performance was nothing short of blasting out at least 14 courics of toilet water breaching shit.

Poop.

L (5-5) SmokinJoeSpouse

W (4-6) Team Name

I'd like to issue a statement of correction:

OK. With that out of the way, I have to make two points,

Point the first: holy shit Team Name you lucky fucker that McDermott is such a dipshit that after James Cook gave up a fumble at the beginning of the game, he immediately threw that dude in the fucking doghouse for far too long and opened up the game for Latavius "old-man" Murray. Cook doesn't even have a fucking problem with fumbling and it seems like coach just wanted to show off how much of a fucking hardass he is or some bullshit.

Point the second: Poor SmokinJoeSpouse made the painful mistake of benching a win with not starting Najee Harris.

Fucking omega-oof.

W (6-4) Two hotdogs one bun

L (5-5) Bloodfeast Islandmen

The motherfucker did it again. What the shit is up with Llamar scoring such a stupidly low amount of points in games where his team tops 30 fucking points?? It's at least the second week in a row that this has fucking happened and it must drive fantasy owners completely up the wall.

Bloodfeast lost by just 1.5 god damn points. In this league that's fucking NOTHING. You could make that up with some dipshit who happens to catch two balls for -2 yards each. FUCKING NEGATIVE YARDS. YES THAT'S RIGHT.

Even that dipshit Buffalo kicker (Tyler Bass) who plays for that complete embarrassment of a dipshit team could score enough points to win.

For the love of fucking god, how does a team who doesn't even top 100 even win in this league??

L (5-5) Team Golder

W (8-2) the parisbaltic train sea-urchins

There's always one of these a week: the game I simply muster any fucking ability to care whatsoever.

Sure, Keenan Allen absolutely fucking dominated with a piss-out-the-ass score of 40+ points, but in a losing effort where the team didn't even top 100 points. I guess I'm kinda surprised to see Carr even still playing - I thought the man was hurt and got replaced by Jameis "dub eater" Winston.

Am I supposed to be thrilled about the periscope baltic sea reactions? A first-year team collecting more wins in this season than I have accumulated through the 3 years of its existence?? Fuck that, I'm way too god damn fucking salty and bitter to ever feel this faux feeling of happiness.

No. I choose to be angry and make poop jokes that do nothing but demonstrate my own lack of emotional intelligence.

W (6-4) Combined Arms

L (1-9) Squish the Commish

Good fucking lord. Squish the Commish comes out and has himself a pretty fucking good outing, topping out at 127 and change, and while sure he left some decent points on the bench that's no big deal, I mean shit happens right? Shouldn't be all that big of a deal when you compare it against some of the other matchup totals.

No.

The god damn Commissioner doesn't at the near-130 point total and .. well .. I'll let Perk demonstrate:

This motherfucker has the unmitigated gaul to start three players who each score 30+ fucking points:

• Herbert at 36.42
• The Sun God at 30.5
• CeeDeez Nuts at 39.5

AND YET HE HAD ONE MORE ON THE FUCKING BENCH,

• Brandin "Remember me? No? OK." Cooks at 32.3

Just fucking chill out, would you?

W (2-8) The Lying Media

L (8-2) Jerome Boger American Icon

!!!!

I HAVE OVERCOME THE ODDS AND UNLIKE THE DIPSHIT LOSER CONFEDERACY,

I HAVE RISEN AGAIN.

With all this talk about changing up the weekly scoring to grant high-scorers an extra fucking win, or penalize assholes who can't muster up points an extra fuckin loss (the dream of a 20-loss fantasy season is finally possible!) it should just be that anyone in the last two places can:

• earn two wins if they win
• give their opponent two losses if that opponent loses

I don't want to be dramatic or anything, but I completely fucking assassinated this American Icon like he was taking a drive through Dallas with the top-down.

Fin.

Aww. We're finally hitting that fantasy football regular season home stretch and it's always kind of bittersweet. Sure that means we're going to be coming up against some of the best holidays of the fucking year and the prospect of beautiful fuckin snow, it also means that so many of us have zero fucking chance at postseason play.

Combine that with being a fan of a complete dogshit NFL team and things would appear to become bleak. But fear not! I hope to demonstrate that anyone willing to stick around, willing to keep setting their rosters, and willing to click through and read these dumbass fucking streams of thought, none of it will be for naught.

You spoiling people's playoff chances will be rewarded and recognized. Maybe even lauded and awarded.

And as usual, I hope to provide some dumbass memery you can save and share and impress your colleagues with.

Well .. maybe not work colleagues. Yeah, definitely not them, they're fuckin losers.

All right, well good luck tonight for anyone with players in tonight's surprisingly high-quality matchup. Let's hopefully see Al Michaels put in at least half the effort I put into these columns.

Take care everyone! Hope the rest of the week plays nice and isn't too shitty.

And of course most importantly: I hope somehow everyone loses and I win.

That's right, y'all deserve a double feature.