Leaded Gasoline Has Destroyed This Once Great Nation

Enemy of the State

Yo. This Brett Favre thing is fucking wild. He's quite possibly the shittiest, scummiest, most disgusting thing that's ever come out of Mississippi: and that state has literal poop-coffee coming from faucets in Jackson.

Before jumping into any more, here's an in-depth article from Mississippi Today.

tl;dr - Mr. Wrangler Crocs literally stole $5 million from the state welfare program to help get his daughter get into college. And he hopes that it never becomes public.

The fuck??

Then again, what else would we expect from the same slimebag that literally sexually assaulted a woman, and she got fired for coming forward. Brett got some absolutely pathetic $50,000 fine or something.

This piece of shit looted a program that helps the most vulnerable people and has shown no fucking remorse. Nothing less of Favre being completely destitute would be a complete miscarriage of justice. I want the Court of Public Opinion to issue the death penalty.

Every time I read another story about yet another dipshit who's had the World wrapped around their finger ever since they stood out at athletics, it just makes me more in awe of LeBron James. Dude has had a national spotlight on him ever since he was a fuckin fetus floating around inside his mama. And what did we ever get for controversy?

• Throwing a headband that one game?
• Cramping up during the Finals?
• The Decision (which honestly gets way more hate than it deserves)?
• Saying Daryl Morey was 'misinformed' about Hong Kong (frankly, it's my top choice)?
• That time he showed the nation his dick? (hehe)

If the biggest gripes are more related to on-the-court shit, then that's incredible.

Oh wait .. how could I forget this photograph:

Rate my setup

So I've officially qualified for Dipshit Millennial Suburbanite by meeting the following minimum requirements:

[✔️] refer to pets as our kids
[✔️] have at least one video game save that is older than a coworker
[✔️] own a peloton (model doesn't matter)
[    ] include a "y" in child's name despite it not needing one whatsoever
[    ]  own a luxury pickup (I never want to see those two words next to each other)
[❔] have coordinated family Holiday sweaters

So I was excited to use my setup for the first half of the late games (can you find all the screens?):

By week 4, I'm hoping to have a game streaming to the device!

Favorite Content of the Week

Danny DeVito talking about It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Joe's History Corner

Welcome one, welcome all! For the first time ever I'm going to introduce an educational aspect to these things!

Why am I doing this? Easy: I came across a new content creator and this was my excuse to shoehorn their content into the column.

I find the humor fun. The pace great. The topics interesting. With any luck, you'll find some you enjoy as well.

Week Two Games

Chargers @ Chefs

I didn't pay too much attention to this game. Not sure exactly why, but it is what it is. Hopefully it wasn't an interesting game or anything - probably wasn't, does anyone of consequence actually play for either of these teams?

Check.  
Mate.

Patriots @ Steeeeers

This fucking game. Started off with me yelling at the god damn TV in record-breaking time. The fuck was that near-safety .. touchdown .. or whatever at the fucking beginning of the god damn game??

Have to credit the Steeers: they have a fine tradition of crowd-chantable Tight End names. This one is creative: Freiermuth turns into "MOOOTH". Innovative!

Something I noticed: Jakobi Meyers seriously feels like his stats on 3rd down are something like, 10 targets, 7 catches, 1 first down.

Let's catch up on some other Patriots players, in this case, our rookie Cole.
Current Strange status: Nice.

And while I miss that Polak, Olszewski, I'm a much bigger fan of him after he got Schooled,

Dolph vs. Rave

Bateman is good.
Llamar is betta.
Huge plays from the Ravens.
How did baldimore lose?

Anyone who owns a hardware store in the Miami-Dade area: stock the fuck up on wheelbarrows. They goin' Randy Marsh down there.

Jes vs. Bro

Shit was on Redzone a lot. And frankly, I enjoyed every moment of it. Was a fucking crazy feeling to root against a member of the Wolfpack in, Jacoby Briskett, but I couldn't let that god damn shitbag of a Quarterback come back with any more free wins.

Fuck I hate rooting against Jacoby, not sure if I had mentioned that.

So yeah. Let's go Jets!

And go, THEY DID:

Hahahaha, get fucked Browns.

Yeah. I get that the Muni Parking Lot literally lives off of shit like that, but god damn. What the fuck.

Probably a bunch of drunk and aggressively belligerent polaks. God damn we can be such thundering shitheads about the most trivial things. Oh well, they can fuck themselves and just hold that L.

Commies vs. Lions

Big fan of A. St. Brown as a name. Crazy shit to type out, and very entertaining and unique one to read on the cryon.

Sooooo. The Lions are now offensive juggernauts? Fuckin sweet.

Now excuse me, time to listen to Dantera talk,

Buccos vs. Saints

Jameis has 4 fractures in his back. It is week 2. What the fuck.

We'll never truly get to experience the fullest might and potential from Jameis if he's got fucking fractures in his fucking back, and Mr. Winston is truly what puts the butts in the seats and the tiddies on the board.

But at least we got to experience a pissed-the-fuck-off Brady:

I love his form on this toss - and no, I'm not joking. Just look at his opposite hand positioning. That tablet could have easily spent 30-yards in the air, perfectly placed in the hands of a streaking Gronk.

We also got a sweeeeet battle between Evans and Lattimore (audience won, both were ejected):

Big ups to Evans for standing up for his QB. Love that shit.

Panthers vs. Gints

I purposefully benched Baker in one (or more?) of my leagues simply so I didn't have to pay attention to this game.

[JOE: Oh fuck, I didn't save my roster. FUUUUCK.]

Lolts vs. Jags

Colts are so fucking bad.

Matt Ryan: Done.

To give the Jags their due, apparently they're 8-0 in their last 8 home games (since 2014) vs. the Colts. Fucking incredible. Especially when you realize how fucking trash the Jags have been during that stretch, including a 1-15 season.

Seahawks vs. 9ers

RIP Trey Lance. Good fuckin lord. I didn't catch the actual injury, but I saw the aftermath where Lance on the ground had his feet pointing at opposite sidelines - like his ankles were doing an impression of Sloth's eyes.

I've actually received a very rare photo of crowd reactions to Trey's sloth legs,

Incredible stuff. My guess is Rihanna drafted Jimmy GQ in some late round or cost only $1. Good for her, she seems to be the only one having a good time.

Falcons vs. Rams

I can finally confirm from visual evidence: Cam Akers is alive.

I can also confirm: Mariota is also alive! And he starts for the Falcons!

I can not confirm that Kyle Pitts is a real player. All calls made to Atlanta Falcons have them neither confirming not denying the existence of Kyle Pitts either - they can not account for his presence on the field on Sundays.

Cards vs. Raid

Definitely wish I had this game on instead of the Falcons/Rams. I also have zero notes until the literal end of the game:

The delay of game penalty on the game-deciding 2-PT conversion was frankly the right call to make. You ain't running it at the 2-yard line, and all this does is buy your receivers just a bit more space to make their move.

And what a fuckin catch by AJ Green. Absolutely spectacular. One of the best plays I've ever fuckin seen.

I still can't fuckin believe it,

Yeah that's right, I literally shared two sources for the same video. I go the extra length to verify and confirm my sources. You can rest easy knowing that every single video, article, and photo I share is 100% legitimate and truthful.

Texans vs. Brocons

So the score was 9-6 with 5 minutes left in the 3rd quarter. Pure fucking trash. Shit, Denver actually tied the game but a delay of game penalty (HOW DO YOU GET THAT ON A FIELD GOAL) led to losing the points and having them punt.

The best part of the entire game was a contextless quote I wrote down:

"Texans with the lazarus special!"

Fuck off Broncos, you suck shit. Go cheat the salary cap for your best chance at a Super Bowl, you donkey-faced fucks.

Benglols vs Cowboys

Let's just start off with the facts: Brutal fucking loss for the Bengals, who for the first 3.5 quarters really dialed back the clock to their Bungle roots, but then dragged their god damn clinging-to-life corpses back ...

Only the fuckin lose it to some random white at quarterback.

Something I noticed: Ezekiel Elliott isn't number 20. That is, in fact, Mr. Pollard. My question happens to be: Where the fuck is Ezekiel?

Bears vs. Pack

Watched about one quarter before I got the fuck away from this shit and got caught up on Big Brother and House of the Dragon.

Tits at Bills

Jesus Christ man. I am not a fan of the fact that the Patriots have to play two fucking games against this Bills team.

However, I am a fan of the fact that the Dolphins and Jets have to play two games each against this Bills team.

What a fuckin stacked team. On defense, offense, special teams .. they have a franchise QB who isn't a piece of shit (as far as we know), they have an incredible fanbase and fun bandwagon to ride on, they better fucking win a Super Bowl in the next couple of seasons or the Bills may never ever see the Lombardi in Buffalo ever-ever.

Vikes at Eegs

I'm only human. Fuck this fuckin game. I ain't watchin it.

No. Not because I'm tired, but because I'm too busy struggling to contact this particular individual:

It's not often that you find someone that emits the alpha chad energy not seen since time travel SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED man:

I NEED HELP.

Week 2 Recaps!

L - 93.68 (0-2) Leonardo Leonardo

W - 129.18 (1-1) 2Girls CooperKupp

93.68 is a respectable amount of points to score in a fantasy football matchup. We don't have a superflex. We don't have insane extra stats. Only two RBs and WRs (outside of the flex).

So given all of that, it's not that bad.

And to top it all off, you were a mere 34 points away from that first win!

Hah, I'm just sugar-coating a pile of shit, 2Girls CooperKupp fucking mollywhomped that ass,, and he even left fucking points on his god damn bench.

Oh shit, so did Leoleo. A lot of fuckin points. Jesus fucking hell you guys, what are you fuckers doing with your roster management?? Points left on the bench is always super painful - and for 2Girls, it ain't gonna get easier for your Wide Receiver choices.

Jefferson/Jeudy are the studs you start without thinking .. and yet you get Lockett and Higgins going for SIGNIFICANTLY more. Good luck with that, you fuckin receiver-hoarding jerkbag.

W - 126.2 (2-0) Kupp Runneth Over

L - 85.7 (1-1) electric avenue shit sandwiches

Onto our second Kupp-related matchup, this time: Featuring Cooper Kupp!

And boy oh boy, 31.8 fucking points from Cooper Kupp really shows why we have 20% of our league named after that particular white. And this particular team name lived up to its own hype: points were runnething all over the place:

• 25 from Mike Williams
• double digits from a handful of others
• and despite whatever fucking gaunt figure is wearing Tom Brady's face and playing way under projections, this fuckin team absolute slapped those shit sandwiches around for the win

Welcome back to earth as you splatter upon its surface, electric avenue shit sandwiches. Hopefully no one was anywhere near the contact zone.

I guess fucking Kamara is out or some shit. Shame since any of your other RBs would have done better than nother. Actually, you appear to be in some sort of RB .. well, allow me to let the expert chime in,,

Definitely want to look that one over because it gets impossible to get anything even near the mendoza-line with respect to Running Backs after week 4. Legitimately an impossible task to find someone fuckin awesome unless you're that lucky yet lazy piece of shit who conquers the waiver wire.

Oh whoa! Someone else with Cole Kmet! I have him in like one or even two other fantasy leagues for some stupid fucking reason. I thought he'd be a solid contributor with that piece of shit Justin Fields struggling to not shit himself during games, but he's done absolutely diddly squat. So yeah, I give you a, [slight solemn silent nod]

L - 165.72 (0-1) _ LACES OUT

W - 179.48 (2-0) Poopy McGee 💩

I always laugh at the fuckin audacity of that underscore. Mother fucker saw the first input field and was just like, "naw" and found whatever mother fuckin character was possibly the least offensive. Couldn't do a letter or number, that shit wouldn't make sense.

I always thought that maybe a period would be allowed, but fuck if I know, maybe the validation just sends that shit back like a Mutumbo swat. No commas or anything - shit, I'd be down for a bang or octothorpe, or even an interrobang. Actually, fuck an interrobang, I'd have to carry that shit around in my pastebin like some god damn loser, during every one of these writeups.

..which brings me to that fucking emoji. God damn you Poopy McGee 💩 for makin me have to do exactly the horseshit I was talkin about above. I'm 39-years-old, I don't have any emoji fuckin shortcuts on any of my computers or keyboards. The fuck you all expect from me outside some fantasy football discussi-.

Oh shit, I should talk about the matchup.

Sometimes life isn't fair, and nothing is a better example of that than having 80 fucking points between two players, one of which was possibly the top performer of the week, and yet still losing by 15+ points because you happened to be playing against,

• Josh Allen: 37.68 points
• Stefon Diggs: 44.8 points
• Jaylen Waddle: 40.1 points

Like, what the fuck. Seriously. What gives you, Mr. Mcgee, the fucking right?

(great win btw)

W - 114.12 (2-0) Ethel St False Start

L - 80.24 (0-2) Not Enough Power Captain

Welp.. The name change did not help, and stead you scored the least amount of points for the week. Absolutely brutal and truly a remarkable demonstration of when it rains, it pours:

• Jonathan Taylor being left alone
• Brandin Cooks is on the Texans
• Kyle Pitts may not actually exist
• Kirk Cousins is Kirk Cousins
• Actually depended on Browns defense

Thanks to these reasons and more, this poor fool couldn't top 80 points. I'm sorry Mr. Commissioner, but even with all your might the media still laughs last on this one.

PS. Ethel St False Start, you may have taken a relatively pain-free win, and sure Jalen Hurts is playing exceptionally well, and OK, you've got some really solid bench pieces to sub in, but .. I don't really remember where I was going. That's a stand-up roster you have there despite getting absolute assblasted by Elijah Mitchell going down.

W - 201.86 (2-0) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

L - 129.96 (0-2) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

Yo man. What the fuck, bro?

200+ points? For fuckin real??

I don't personally even know how to respond to such a situation. 129.96 points isn't the best, but it's honest output and maybe it would have been in the upper half of today's overall scores, and really you just want to be competitive and hope a couple things break your way or against the opponent .. but what the fuck.

160 and 179 are fuckin wild scores, and it's fuckin dumb that they faced each other, but 200+? That's just hairbrained (what the fuck does that word even mean). Holy fuck. FUCK. FUCK.

100+ between MAndrews, Amon-Ra, and Tyreek. Then you got another hundo from the rest of the roster. So yeah, 100 + 100 = 200+. Fuckin crazy shit.

I hope you enjoyed this analysis, because this shit sucked ass and I did not.

Fin.

Hey! Week two is in the books, and I'm just going to get in front of the news that I am gonna be gone - as in out of the fuckin country - for .. oh shit ..

OH SHIT.

two fucking sundays

Oof. I know that I've always tried to bring you the highest quality of posts, but this shit is going to be my Honeymoon so that means: you ain't gettin shit.

As much as it pains me to miss out on potentially two weeks of content, I ain't got no gripes, I'm so excited for the trip with my beautiful bride so you'll have to just deal with it.

What I'll miss more will be our little furkids in Cashew and Sophie.

Well, and this: my weekly attempt at human connection. Much love to everyone, I hope the transition to autumn goes splendid for most of us. Don't let that equinox get you down because the rest of the fantasy football season is here to lift you up!

Unless you're the Cowboys. You're pretty fucked.

Much love fellas, can't wait to share some photos and my strong opinions about the French and the connection with cheese.

Oh, and of course some reviews of Grecian island cuisine. Because if I'm nothing else, I'm someone who fucking loves to hear the klikkity-klak of a keyboard.

Take care dudes. I'll be celebrating with my better half, and showing her appreciation for so many things - a couple of which is the patience and encouragement she gives me every week during the NFL season so I can actually spend the several a lot too many hours on this column (she's just the best).