NFL stuffs

So like,,, I'm writing this as of approximately [checks watch] 6:41 am sooooooo... yeah.

You ain't gettin' SHIT. Maybe next week when I have fewer matchups to cover.

..

Oh who am I kidding, I can at least post a handful of bullshit memery I've collected.

NFC South

What a dogshit division, good fuckin god.

Speaking of dogshit quality NFL stuff

Thoughts and prayers for anyone cursed with that game on TV.

How about that Chiefs ending huh?

Wild shit.

Something something something Bills 9/11

You know, at first I didn't believe that news story about Sean McDermott's speech about communication and using the 9/11 hijackers as an example.

But I'm glad it's real because it proves AI doesn't stand a fucking chance in this World.

🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌 AYOOOOOOO 🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌

🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌

🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌

End of Regulation

Time for the postseason you motherfuckers.

And unlike last year, I found some extra time to put together this year's Playoff bracket:

https://i.imgur.com/cXRjxq2.png

Print it out, mark it up, enjoy it fully!

W - (10-4) Air Force

L - (9-5) Two hotdogs one bun

What the fuck happened here??

1.84 points for Justin Herbert.
0.0 points for Geno Smith.

And these are the 2st and 3nd seeds!?!? What the ever-loving shit is going on?

Did we lose a fuckin war or something? How do these two headless motherfuckers make their way into the postseason like this?

..

[JOE: What? Oh, word? I should check out the benches? Oh sh-. Well, I have a perfectly valid explanation for this.]

W - (11-3) the peristaltic chain reactions

L - (5-9) SmokinJoeSpouse

Welp. SmokinJoeSpouse's dream has died. The poor 1%er amongst us has ceased to be, defeated by the privileged 99%er masses.

One day the 1%ers will have their moment, one day they'll finally have some power and influence - but it's not going to be in 2023. Perhaps next year.

Not to make this all about the losers amongst us, but I just need to lash out and/or pile on this Patrick Mahomes motherfucker. Dude was such a spoiled dickbag this whole season.

Yeah sure, he won his second Super Bowl last year, but what the ever-loving fuck the dude complains so god damn much both during the game and after the game.

Listen, I rooted my fucking balls off for Tom Brady so I know what a whiny bitch looks like during a game. And I'm also not one of those delusional idiots that insist Mahomes should throw Toney under the bus instead of complaining to the refs given that .. well .. KADARIUS LINED UP LIKE 5' OFF-FUCKING-SIDES, because you do not, under any circumstances, throw your own teammate under the bus. You just don't do that if you want to be considered a leader.

But jesus fucking christ, for someone who only,

• Topped 40 once
• Topped 30 twice (including the above 40+)
• Didn't score more than 25 once since that week seven 40+ pointer
• During that shit since week 8, scored less than 20 four fucking times

Completely pedestrian and absolutely fucking embarrassing. He's supposed to be this generations God-Tier player and yet the only way he can throw his way out of a paper bag is if he cries so much it gets too wet it dissolves apart.

OK. Now to touch on the actual winner of the matchup: the peristaltic chain reactions.

This week, I learned what the god damn mother fuck that team name comes from!!

That's some fuckin good reference right there!

Anyway. Good luck in the postseason, you god damn top-tier-reference first-year fantasy owner.

L - (8-6) Jerome Boger American Icon

W - (8-6) Sir, This is an RBs

So I dunno really what the postseason implications were of this matchup. However, I think the loss for Jerome Boger means he doesn't get the privilege of taking on the Bloodfeast Islandmen, who I thought were on a brutal losing streak.

But I'm fuckin dead wrong and actually, outside of the god damn Air Force, the Islandmen have the second longest active winning streak in our league. So I guess this loss was pretty strategic and fucking super duper smart. Great job Jerome Boger you god damn genius of an icon.

And actually, not to continuously toot that Booger guy, he's the best suited motherfucker to go on the road in these playoffs as a lower seed and come out with an upset.

"Why is that, you stupid slut?" You may ask me.

Well, it's because Jerome Boger American Icon has a motherfucking 6-2 AWAY record.

What that means for the fantasy playoffs? Probably fucking nothing.

Not to rub any shine off of the Sir, This is an RBs win - it was well deserved but it didn't matter what-so-fucking-ever if you lost either. No one else even had seven wins, so you didn't have any sort of risk of missing the postseason.

That said, you have one of the best active Quarterbacks right now in Dak. Dude is riding a fucking wave of top-tier performances since week 6. No scores fewer than 20, and only three of them below 30 points.

You better ride and grind that throbbing Dak to dust.

W - (8-6) Bloodfeast Islandmen

L - (8-6) America First

Hmm. What are the implications from this matchup?

Let's start with Bloodfeast Islandmen,

• Llamar has finally found some imodium
• Ja'Marr Chase is unbelievably inconsistent
• The Saints D/ST will be absolutely banished to the shadow realm waiver wire

OK. So that poop joke with imodium is basically doing all the work to make that previous section kinda funny. Maybe I can do better with Team Dogwhistle America First,

• I'm not sure if you noticed, but Jalen Hurts fuckin sucked ass for the first time in a long time
• Shit, Jonnu Smith found another team to start his ass!
• Oh my god, I don't know
• Justin Jefferson's season of pain continues next week when Stavvy's old podcast host will be playing quarterback (anyone? anyone?)

L - (6-8) Team Name

W - (2-12) Well, thanks for having me!

There we go! Just in time: Austin Ekeler has found the Endzone!

Well, thanks for having me! both displays superior grammar and a dominant performance of the week by scoring the second highest total at 140+! This moral victory will brilliantly set himself up for 2024.

Team Name dodged the humiliation of getting eliminated from postseason contention in the final week of the season by .. well .. losing, because he scored a shitload of points in previous weeks to own that much coveted Points For tiebreaker over Team Golder.

Thus ends this exhaustive recap.

L - (6-8) Team Golder

W - (3-11) The Lying Media

WITH A WIN IN THE FINAL WEEK OF THE REGULAR SEASON, THIS COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHOLE WON HIMSELF:

All Team Golder had to do was win and he was in. But that's when this particular fuck-face showed up and rode the back of his pet Ewok to THE VICTORIOUS HALLS OF VALHALLA,

Now, I don't want to make this all about me, but since I'm the one typing here, Imma gonna go ahead and do that shit:

After losing Kirktacular, Nick Chubb, and Mike Williams, it was nice to get one. It's not like I want to say I deserved this glory, but I'll modestly admit it was my absolute birthright.

Again: I'm not trying to be dramatic.

On the other hand, I'm sorry it had to go down this way Team Golder. You fought valiantly all season, and who would have thought one of these loser teams (me) could upset the delicate balance of Haves and Have Nots?

Fin.

Oh my Gosh. What do we have left? Like 3 more weeks? God damn, where does the time go? It's been a fuckin fun season this year and I'm really excited by the fact that I didn't have to take any bye weeks, so my Iron-Man streak begins anew and carried me throughout a full season.

But 2023 ain't over yet. We still got time to cherish our moments together, and I want to get this wholesome circlejerk started by lettin y'all know I can't possibly stress enough how much I appreciate you making it this far in each of these columns. It's positively a joy to write these, and the amount of catharsis I get to experience by just turning off reality and cookin' with text is just ..

Well. It's just great.

And of course: Hope everyone's enjoying the happiest of holiday seasons!

That's right. It's a double-feature this week!

Oh fuck it, WE'RE GOING THREE-WIDE TODAY.

Much love to you all, my dudes.