It's easier not to be great

Fuck you, Thor

Let me paint the weekend picture for you:

It's mid-Friday afternoon, I'm trying to wrap up a bunch of dependency updates while yelling at my computer because fuck you, the tests worked before the update so WHY DON'T THEY KNOW, as one does. The wife is out seeing a friend and I decide to take a session on the Peloton (don't judge - I am a fucking believer now after a year of using it as a coat-hangar).

As the session winds down and I'm done with my workout farts, the wife returns with a much-needed refill of toilet paper and things start to get ominous: alerts about an incoming thunderstorm and .. well .. what felt like a complete blotting out of the sun as the entire downstairs becomes darkened. Distant rumblings start giving our pup Sophie anxiety as she paces back and forth between my wheezing ass and my wife who's getting settled back into the couch.

I finally wrap up and the storm starts to absolutely open up: the rolling thunder is replaced by flashing lights, crackling, booms, and reverberating bass while it starts absolutely dumping rain.

We initiate Sophie Babushka Protocol and wrap the pup up in her Thunder Jacket as well as my Carhardtt to help reduce her anxiety:

THEY'RE SO CUTE WHEN THEY GET ALONG

I decide to forgo a shower despite having about a 1/4" layer of sweat since I didn't want to get my shit rocked by lightning while showering - although what are the chances of lightning actually hitting the house, right??

We're all sitting together in the living room after quickly unplugging most of our prized devices, handling the storm pretty well - my usual strategy is to watch through my peripherals for lightning flashes and slowly count up in my head until I hear a crack or rumbling, hoping that the number I get keeps getting higher and higher.

Unfortunately, that number was falling. Fast. To the point where a couple cracks seemingly happened in unison with the lightning flashes.

And that was when it happened: a flash so sudden and bright it filled the room, followed almost instantaneously by its thunderous tag team partner to give our house an aided wheelbarrow facebuster that we could feel in the floor. The crack was crazy - almost indescribable, and it scared the shit out of the entire family. We knew something spectacular must have hit because we could hear debris hitting the house.

We immediately moved inward next to the stairs, away from the windows. We corralled the cat into his cat carrier and all just sat in the narrow hallway hoping that the worst was behind us. Fortunately, while the thunder and lightning continued, it was less devastating and intimidating and more Tiki Barber and Ron Dayne.

After 30 to 45 minutes of huddling together, me covered in gross, smelly, stinky sweat that the dog found comfort in, the cat didn't want anything to do with, and Rachel was indifferent about .. the danger had cleared. Thunder clapping like thicc cheeks now a distant tummy rumble in the distance.

But something was wrong.

Very wrong.

The memes I rely on to comfort myself in troubling times were hardly reachable. The devastating videos of people getting kicked in the balls could barely load. It was then that I realized: I am only connected to mobile data? Panic.

I immediately scrambled to check the router, and while the lights were blinking away .. one was dead.

OH GOD NO. NOT THAT ONE.

My attention switched to the cable modem, the gatekeeper of our internet data, and horror finally sank in as I see its lifeless face. I immediately tried switching the power in the hopes of stimulating any sort of recovery but it was to no avail. Our cable modem had been taken from us. Six years of faithful service, showing us the beautiful wonders of streaming, online gaming, and cute animal content had come to a shocking end.

And so it was then, in the early evening that the wife and myself realized this was an issue that was going to impact our ability to enjoy both week one of the NFL, but also our entire quality of life. Fuck water, we need streams of data.

Sadly, it was also learned upon troubleshooting that while still alive, our router was mortally wounded: the ethernet port that allowed all our devices to experience the wonders of internet connectivity was also severed - making this quite the already-expensive problem.

However, despite the costs mounting, the worst was yet to come: dealing with Comcast customer service.

I will spare you the nightmarish details, but it wasn't until 4:10pm on Sunday when we finally were back to living in 2023. Surfing the wonders of the World Wide Web - the Information Superhighway - again. Content was reachable and consumable. We could use our exercise equipment (the fuck is that bullshit, Peloton?). We could live our lives and enjoy what remaining vestibules of week one remained.

Sadly, that thunderstorm also seemingly claimed a Mac power cube, our fucking central air unit in the attic, and one of the garage lights (we think).

And while we never used it anyway, I think our invisible dog fence might not be recoverable.

That shit got fucked up.

Thankfully, the physical to the damage to the exterior of the house was fairly minimal,

Anyway, some takeaways from the story are:

• Thor is a fuckin shithead. Fuck that guy, he owes us damages.
• Invisible fences are kinda just giant ground rods that may attract lightning.
• Why does a stationary bike require internet to work? COME ON.

Thank you for reading. Fuck a World with no internet.

I MEAN LOOK AT THIS FUCKING THING:

RECAPS!

WE BEGIN WITH,

THE LIONS @ CHEFS

Great oogly moogly, what an absolutely incredible game from the defending World Champion Chiefs of Kansas City.

They took the field without the handsome Kelce or Kadarius Toney's hands.

And .. well .. shit did not get any better for them Chefs.

Not sure if you heard, but that Kadarius Toney guy sucks asshole. Could you believe that this pass ended up as a touchdown for the Lions?

AND MAHOMES STILL GAVE HIM A CHANCE AT REDEMPTION.

Patrick has more faith in Toney than I have in myself when it comes to resisting Steam summer sales.

Carolina @ Atlanta

Let your nuts hang, Atlanta: you are over .500

And you got yourself a .. second incredible running back in Bijan,

With Allgeir, you might run for 4000 yards.

..which is good because Pitts and Drake London might combine for 135 yards this season. Fuckin garbage, holy shit.

Houston @ Baldimore

Damn. Week one and this game might just be the most demoralizing win of the entire year. Half the god damn roster for the Ravens went out and we had Llamar shit himself .. again (poop mention counter: 1).

As far as the Texans .. Stroud pulled a Favre and caught his own first pass. Next up: traded to another team, a painkiller addiction, god damn Wrangler jeans ads and sending dick pics to a young news reporter.

Bungles @ Borowns

So what do the Bengals do after they sign their quarterback to the highest paid contract in ever?

I guess at least it was an exciting game, right??

First Half:

• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Fumble
• Punt
• FG
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• TD

Second Half:

• Punt
• FG
• Int
• Missed FG
• FG
• Punt
• FG
• Downs
• TD (2PT)
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt

Game.

Was this a god damn Big Ten game!?

Factoid: Lions and Browns both win in week one for the first time since '92. 1492.

Jaggin off @ Indy

Good teams win. Great teams cover. Well done, Jags.

Despite playing on Monday, Josh Allen snuck in some defensive snaps and got himself three fuckin sacks. God damn.

It's remarkable how close this game was .. some would say if the Colts had any sort of running back, they could have pulled off a win.

Tampa Bakers @ Vikes

BAKER BROS: ASSEMBLE.

LET BAKER BAKE.

Vikings?

Tittans @ NOOOOOO

If you can't beat 'em, cover the spread. Well done Vrabel with that field goal.

I uhhh ,, have no more notes for this one.

9ers @ Pitt

Brock is Purdy good, god damn.

And so is Run CMC holy shit. Aiyuk even throws in a pancake to go with his double tiddies,

Can't believe the 9ers have that fucker.

Worst Aesthetic in the NFL @ Commies

With the Bad Man gone far, far away in some remote location on his megayacht, the Washington Commies played with a renewed sense of life. No longer hamstrung by one of the shittiest owners in sports who would make such incredible decisions like selling expired beer to the fans, or committing sex crimes with the cheerleaders in between shit-quality seasons, the Commies came out with a rookie (right?) Quarterback and actually won their first game of the season.

And the loss was most likely welcomed by those garbage, dipshit, Cardinals.

Fuck I hate the Cardinals' aesthetic. Watching their games is fucking painful on the eyes.

Ramses @ Seapigeons

Death.
Taxes.
Rams over Seahawks.

Iggles @ Greatriots

Welp. That sucked. Tough to spot a team 16 fucking points in the first quarter and then come back and win. At least,, not without Tom Terrific slingin the pigskin.

Mediocre Mac Jones couldn't get it done with the GOAT in the stands, and boy oh boy, that was a kick in the fuckin nuts.

I could go on, but I don't wanna because I'm a pathetic loser who can't stand watching his favorite team embarrass themselves on opening weekend. Also I'm a stupid moron with a big butt and my butt smells and,,, I like to kiss my own butt.

Lolphins @ Charge

For the other 99.9% of football fans let me explain to you what it's like being a Chargers fan. It's like you hired a dominatrix for the evening to edge you the height of sexual pleasure. The moment you can feel the sweet release coming, she instead stomps her stiletto heel into your ball sack. You start screaming the safe word, but she just leaves the heel in place until all pleasure is gone. Then you wrap your bloody sack in your LaDainian Tomlinson jersey and are reminded once again he wasn't selected to the NFL 100 team. You cry yourself to sleep and prepare your body to do this again next week.

RRRRRRRRRAIDERS @ Donkeys

Pack pack pack @ Brrrs

The Bears may end up being just fine this season, but god damn this Packers/Bears dynamic is fucking brutal.

Big ol' D @ Giants

This fuckin game was a god damn war crime. What the shit.

Before it even started, I knew it was going to fucking suck ass - I hate watching Giants games. And no, it's not because they bested my Greatriots twice in the Super Bowl (although that definitely didn't help), it's because growing up if there wasn't a fucking Patriots game on TV, there was a fucking god damn piece of shit Giants game on. Before the Greatriots showed up, New England was Giant Country in terms of media market and it's why we have a bunch of old piece of shit Giants fans all over the fucking place.

Dave Brown.
Danny Kanell.
Kent Graham.
Kerry Collins.

Fucking god damn boring shit.

But bringing it back to 2023,

Boy I Love Losing Superbowls vs. Just Enough To Survive

Four snaps into the 2023 season and ... Rodgers is out?. For the season.

RECAPPIN TIME

L 65.14 (0-1) SmokinJoeSpouse

W 84.76 (1-0) Two Hotdogs one bun

One would think that the team that starts Patrick Mahomes vs. some shlub that lost Travis Kelce right before gametime and ultimately had zero production from their second wide receiver position would have themselves an all-but-certain win on their hands.

But then that wouldn't be Fantastical Fucking Football.

Thanks to an all-time shit-your-pants performance by Drake London (thousands of fantasy team owners screamed out in pain and were immediately silenced), the collective shit-their-pants moment by the entire Bengals team was softened (like aforementioned shit).

It's like a perfect storm of pants shitting by my aforementioned super hot, smart, and kind wife's roster. Truly impressive.

Two hotdogs one bun truly grasped victory from the jaws of defeat. There easily could have been a situation where the combined -2 points from the Kicker, Wide Receiver, and Tight End would have cost teams a win - but again, this is Fantastical Fucking Football, only the stupidest outcomes survive.

L 100.2 (0-1) America First

W 118.24 (1-0) Team Golder

Team Talk-to-me-in-week-6-or-whenever-players-can-come-off-the-PUP AKA America First had an entire fuckin roster fall flat on his way to an unfortunate loss in this, the inaugural week.

Outside of Raheem Mustard and JJ (DEFENSE DOESN'T COUNT), everyone underdelivered - and most glaring was the ever confusing, Philly tight end, Dallas Gogurt.

Of course, we all should have seen this coming: Odell was predicted for 10+ points. What the fuckin shit was the ESPN Fantasy Prediction Algorithm on and how can I please for the love of god score some!?

Team Golder got himself the double-win-whammy: Actually won the matchup, but found some bench gold in the process by seeing the very quality production in Pittman Jr and Samaje "Beard Man" Perine.

Good for you, you America hating jerk.

L 112.66 (0-1) Captain Rising Sun

W 152.32 (1-0) Hot Start

OK. OK. OK. Let's all calm down. Yes, the highest output of the week was owned coincidentally enough by our Dear Glorious Commissioner - but he's just living up to his name. Hot Starts always come to an end.

       (although that may not count as a Hot Start)

Anyway, it would appear that this Tyreek Hill guy is pretty good at more than just slapping the shit out of old farts in Florida (his SLAP+ and VORP stats are off the charts in that regard). 44.5 fucking points? Come the fuck on, that's not a real god damn number. Then you get quality shit from Herbert, The Sun God, Waller, Bass, and went Jaggin' off?? Man. Fuck this stupid league.

Personally, as a bitter and salty piece of shit 40-year-old, my only consolation is that his bench is razor thin. So there's that, I guess.

Captain Rising Sun didn't even have himself a poor week. The Sex Pest outmolested outscored his projection. Steviewonderson, Conner, Adams, and Brown did awesome. Even the Commies commanded the means of projection to top 12 points.

L 77.96 (0-1) Bloodfeast Island

W 114.94 (1-0) the peristaltic chain reaction

Welcome to 40, Bloodfeast. It's not so bad, but I've been told that the age that really fucks you is ~42-43. Personally, I've been prepared since my mid-30s since I have the lower back of someone 15 years older than me. Waking up with significant pain is a way of life, I recommend a lot of sharp movement when lifting to help prepare you for unexplained pain and disappointment.

Wait, am I talking about middle age or am I talking about Fantasy Football? WHO COULD POSSIBLY KNOW?

I'm not sure if I've touched on the concept of self-shitting enough in this column so let me do a little more doodoo diving and call out Llamar Jackson as the king of shitpants mountain. What the fuck, my dude? You won a god damn MVP already, why do you suck so much?

Then again, these matchups are a lot more than just stupid QB play - for example, The Periscopetastics made the foolish mistake of starting Josh Allen over Jared "he looked like Ryan Gosling at one point" Goff, and all he needed was 11+ from his receivers, tight end, flex, and defense - plus an incredible 25+ from Run CMC. Bing Bang Boom. Simple as fuck.

L 113.48 (0-1) I went to the real Harvard

W 136.24 (1-0) Ethel St. False Starts

This guy thinks he wicked smaht, huh? Well then why would he have started Joe "best first name in sports" Burrow over Anthony Richardson? Didn't he see Zay Flowers almost doubling his projected score? What about Roschon Johnson (who the fuck??) scoring 8x as much as his projected score!?

Then again, even if you did swap out Gibbs for Roschon and Burrow for Richardson as a result of one of the psychadelic drug and alcohol fueled benders where you could have sworn you saw this all happen through your blurred third eye, your drunken ass would have either forgotten to hit save or you'd end up with this abomination:

Anyway, Ethel St. False Starts had himself quite the fuckin week thanks to incredible performances from TuAnon and Diggs.

..which is good because he's gonna have to put in some work to get a little depth at Arby given the recent brutal injury to Just Kidding Dobbins. Achilles injuries ain't no joke, just ask that greek guy with the shitty heel.

And look at that: another 0.0 from the Tight End. The fuck is wrong with tight ends this season? I swear half the league so far has had zero production from that dumbass position. A couple more weeks of this and I'll propose replacing Tight Ends with Punters for obviously hilarious reasons.

W 140.04 (1-0) Butt Fumblers

L 108.66 (0-1) The Lying Media

This is such a stupid fucking hobby. Sure, I guess I'm happy that I got my shit so pushed in that I didn't need to worry about the fact that I left 24.4 Bournce Ultimatum points on the bench, but seriously: what a stupid fucking hobby.

I just so happened to have Daniel Jones and Butt Fumblers had Dallas. And what happened? The Cowboys defense made that stupid fucking dipshit Danny Dimes Dickbag look like one of us behind center. I'm honestly shocked he scored 4.46 points given how god damn much Dallas completely fucking emasculated the idiot with the dumb face.

So now I have a loss and the fact that outside of Bijan, Chubby, Ridley me this, and my dipshit kicker, I'm devoid of decent production. I can't just blame a bunch of grown men for just laying eggs on week one like my wonderful, beautiful, extremely smart wife can - instead, I get to play the stupid shell game with my bench, hoping that the guy I start for Lockett and Pierce next week actually perform only to see them get outscored by literally everyone I have benched.

Blah blah blah, cool, the guy I wanted in Trevor Lawrence did awesome, good for fuckin you. God fucking damn it. Great, Tony Pollard danced on my fucking grave by adding 22.2 additional points while the Cowboys defense was just completely fucking my face. Great.

Fin.

AND WE'RE DONE!

God damn, it's rough getting these things out on the day the next NFL week starts but whatever - you get what you get and you better fuckin like it.

Week two will probably be better, but who knows - only half the teams will win, and I'm sure some of us will end up 0-2. To not lose all hope, just do what I do: curse wildly and blame everyone around you for your own mistakes. That technique has carried me into my 40s and made me the man I am today.

So best of luck everyone, hope the weather is pretty great for everyone as we get closer and closer to fall. May the air be brisk and your pumpkin lattes, spiced.