is this thing on?

Now. I have a lot of ground to cover. A honeymoon that spanned much of Europe. One that ended up with me returning home with what I hope isn't super super-Spartan strain of Covid. One that had me visiting a couple countries who have contributed so much to the global World in terms of wine, cheese, and in Greece's case fucking civilized society.

But tragedy is also in the news. And no, I'm not talking about the hit that left Tua throwing gang-signs.

I'm talking about one of the most powerful buttocks in history.

It is I. Mario.

How could they do this? How the hell is Mario supposed to launch himself into double-jumps or ass-pounds without that tremendous backside?

God damn Hank Hill havin' ass. What the fuck is happening?

And don't get me started on the fuckin voice. What the fuck was that??

Ok ok, critiques aside. I still consider myself a "glass half full" kind of guy. And while the sneak trailer peak may have missed its mark, something good is that we are well on our way to finally realizing a dream so many decades in the making.

C'mon Feige, you bitch. You know what has to be done.

He's Baaaaaaack.

Not sure if you caught it the other night, but one of the biggest and best smiles in the NBA is fucking back.

Now, you may be curious as to what the relevance of this is - well, there was a time in the long-long ago when that electric man still had much of his youth (and achilles) intact. And he gifted us,

How long ago was that? Well, the three guys asking him to do it - Jason Preston, Moussa Diabaté, and Brandon Boston - were 11, 8, and 8 back when Wall did his dougie intro.

So yeah.

Time fuckin flies, don't it?

I swear, it's as if an entire generation of kids don't even know how to do the John Wall,

OK. Let's. Get. WORLDWIDE.

That's fuckin right. I know you're all here for my loooong rambling bragpost of how fucking rad the honeymoon was. And boy oh boy, it was fucking rad. as. hell.

It started off as most trips do: having our first flight so fucking delayed they just god damn wipe it from the monitors at the gate. Love it when they mother fuck you by never officially declaring a delay so you can go find a place to fucking sit down and kill time until the updated boarding time. Those Iberian Air fucks just stood behind the rope at the gate scrolling through their own absolutely horror-show instagram accounts while avoid any and all eye contact.

At least when we got the shit kicked off, it was relatively painless until the Misses and myself touched down in Paris.

My Flying Rules

I have my own complaints about certain codes of conduct while flying, but the point I make paramount is simply the Rules of Engagement given the various contexts of seat placement:

• Middle sweat owns the arm rests.
• Window seat owns the view/window.
• Aisle is obligated to allow any and all ventures to the shitter.

Next would be what should be the generally accepted rules of food cart communication: Unless explicitly requested, do not wake up anyone asleep when cart appears.

If you can't keep your seat upright, or your tray table in the closed position during takeoff/landing, you should be ejected from the flight. Had to deal with this on the way to Greece: two fuckers would be requested to keep their seat up, and they'd fucking blast them shits back before/during takeoff.

Unforgiveable

Sacre Bleu!

Anyway, Paris is pretty great. Incredible place to stop and just .. wander around. Every so often you stop, drink a beer or some wine, grab an espresso (expresso?), and keep that shit rolling. Scoping out the Louvre, or Arc de triomphe, scope out Le Marais district, look at them Eiffel tower shits, walk to Montemartre, etc... you don't need no plans. Just fuckin grab an edible, a portable battery, your finest cigarette extender dealie, a beret, and some good walkin shoes - and just go fucking rock that shit.

Quite possibly the most remarkable thing that took place in that Paris place was Rachel and myself experiencing a hamburger that,,, was I think the best tasting hamburger I've ever had. As much as I want to go into more detail, I'll have to sort through the notes I took. The dry-aged beef was just so incredible. As delicious as it was, I have to admit I did weep at the realization of a country like France being better at executing food that I frankly associate directly with my beloved 'merica. The truth hurts so, so much.

Yamas!

Yo.

Greece rules.

I've been only one time before, didn't spend all that much time in Athens (I want to put it at roughly 36 hours packed with fun and culture), but did spend a bit of time on the island of Kea. The sights, sounds, smells, flavors were all incredible. Especially given that we were there for Easter (if you're gonna visit Greece, visit then for some great culture shit). Now, before I get too into something

With the stage set, it's time to cue Santorini island. What a fucking beautiful place. Unlike the island of Kea, Santorini is the result of tens of thousands of years of volcanic activity:

60,000 years ago, it was just one single island. And those Greeks were so fucking smart, they knew they were living on a volcano. Actually, they didn't just know that, but they actually determined it was going to explode so they packed up enough shit to leave, but left all their shit all set and organized because their assumption was to return.

Unfortunately, they never returned - but because of their preparation, it made the discovery and uncovering of all the ancient shit there that much easier to do (don't believe me? Visit Akrotiri).

Anyway, sometime around 60,000 years ago it had a violent explosion that formed the Calderra we see right now. It was called the Minoan eruption. Shit led to a 7 and change magnitude earthquake and the ejections into the atmosphere affected historical records of ancient civilizations from Egypt to China.

There were a few more eruptions but nothing of that power, but new land has been added a couple times - most recently in the 1950s. It's fucking rad as hell.

Greece has a shitload of winable grapes

Everyone always touts France for being the captains of wine - but those fuckin frogs only have like, 25 winable grapes.

Greece? 330+ winable grapes. And that's after losing like 1100 because of some shit that I couldn't understand (Georgia is the World's leader with 1300+).

So we rented a car and fucked around to a bunch of wineries. So much delicious, delicious wine. Between glasses of that, checking out a beach of black sand, gobbling down cucumber & tomato salads, grilled octopus and home made hummus, it was hard to imagine the adventure to get better.

Until we hopped on a mother. fuckin. Boat.

Touring the Calderra

To bring it all back to the Volcanic aspect, I just wanted to share some photos:

What are called the veins, is fuckin slate that was pushed upwards during eruptions.

Being the lightest material ejected, pumace stone is the light shit that covers so much of Santorini island. A lot of it rests on the very top of the island, and for the longest time was mined (you can see the crumbling structure on the bottom right). You can use pumace stone for a lot of great shit, from those loofah stones to being a key ingredient when constructing foundations in water.

Oh wait, did I mention how soft the material is?

Scope out the following photo and notice the doors in the side of the rock:

Those old Grecians could carve out out parking spots for their boats from that rock (doors that are close to the water), and then they carve out a spot higher up to sleep in (doors that are obviously more offset from the water).

Eventually our Captain brought us to his favorite spot:

It's called "Elephant Skin"

I went up and touched that shit: hard as a rock. But fuck if it didn't look god damn incredible.

In Conclusion

There's a ton more to go over but I only have precious little time to shoot the shit about why you're all fucking here:

FUCK I HATE CHEESE. WHY THE FUCK DID I VISIT TWO OF PERHAPS THE MOST QUINTISSENTIAL CHEESE COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD. CHEESE IS A HUGE FUCKING PART OF BOTH DIETS GOD DAMN IT. FUCKING SHIT. SO MUCH FUCKING CHEESE I COULDN'T HELP BUT HAVE TO TRY AND IT ALL FUCKING SUCKED SO MUCH.

[cough]

OK, maybe not that. You're here because you've exhausted all the best material and just don't want to face the real world. I hope to continue being that escape for you, you coward.

Thoughts only thought by me

You know. This Jeffery Dahmer guy seems like a real bad egg.

The only guy who appeared to be fans were the Milwaukee Police Department. They let him just feast on the competition.

HOLY SHIT FINALLY

Let's get silly.

And let's talk NFL week 5.

Falcons Colts vs. Seahawks Broncos

Is there any better of a games package that Amazon would offer than Thursday Night Football?

How many times have you purchased something from Amazon that you thought was too good of a deal to be true, only to realize in the second quarter that the down marker doesn't actually go up to 10? Or that the audio cuts out if the power cord pulls a little too much against the side of the port?

I mean: look at the damn Amazon Video listing for it:

I'll just let Russell Wilson cover it for me,

Giants vs Packers

What the fuck. I know it's been jokes about ad naseum but how dare the British get two teams over .500 sent to them.

I guess if there's a silver lining, at least I'm back on the East fucking Coast so I could enjoy this game at a reasonable time in the morning. Having to get up at like 6 fucking 30 am on a Sunday morning to watch London games back when I lived in San Francisco should be considered a war crime and punished by ruthlessly ripping the toenails off of Roger Goodell.

Danny Dimes beat Aaron Rodgers. That was pretty entertaining.

Giants are 4-1. What the fuck?

Steelers vs. Bill's

Haha, the Steelers fuckin suck. I didn't think they were that bad, but they really fuckin stink so badly.

But instead of harping on the dumbass Steelers, let's just watch in awe of such a beautiful play:

Wow. Just gorgeous.

Charge vs. Borowns

"The Chargers escape themselves again."
- Scott Hanson

I can tell you one thing, I am not ready for Brandon Staley vs. Hackett next week.

A couple of fuckin galaxy-brained head coaches thinking they each are playing 7D Underwater Reverse Monopoly when in reality they're playing the simplified version of Chutes and Ladders (contains only chutes).

Tejans vs. Jags

Death. Taxes. AFC South sucks wet hobo shit.

Some things transcend Football, and that's the fact that somehow, someway, the Texans always seem to beat the Jaguars.

..which in itself isn't that special because frankly, they're both fuckup franchises.

But the Texans are definitely edging out the Jags as the fuckiest uppest.

Bears vs Vikes

Wait.

The Vikings are 4-1?? These Vikings are 4-1???

What the fuck is going on.

We need to flex the Giants and Vikings into some matchup this weekend POST HASTE. The World needs to see either Kirk Cousins or Danny Dimes owning a 5-1 record.

Why?

Because fuck you. That's why.

Loins vs. Greatriots

Strange status:

The only game I watched from beginning to end. Holy shit what a beautiful game it was. A shutout against one of the highest scoring teams in the league? A rookie Quarterback from .. somewhere.. absolutely lighting it the fuck up. Rhmondrehedron runnin through a motherfucker face.

We are at the dawn of a new Greatriot age.

Some would say, it's Zappin time!

Rainy City Bitch Pigeons vs. Saints

I can't believe I'm about to say this but ...

Get Geno some help!

..Fucking gross.

PS. Miss you Jameis. You stupid fucking asshole.

Phish vs. JEST

What the fuck is going on. I leave the country for two solid weekends, come back, and the Jets are over .500 after shitstomping the Dolphins? The Dolphins who were AFC Leaders just a short while ago?? What a bunch of fucking fishy-assed frauds. Pathetic. I knew I shouldn't ever expect a team as fucking pathetic as the Dolphins to maintain its momentum.

Not like this is some chump-assed 14-game season. The franchaise ain't shit since we went to 16-games all those decades ago.

Now the Jets. They have some pretty incredible young pieces in Sauce, Breece (former PEPSI Rookie of the Week), and Garrett. Despite those nice things, I'm not sure I'm ready for our J-E-T-S Overlords.

Dare I say, the AFC BEast is back??

Falcons vs. Tom Bradys

Tom Brady remains undefeated against the fuckin Falcons with the help of a certain Jerry Snots.

Marcus Mariota must be really liked because I'm still not quite sure why he is still employed in the NFL. The Falcons want someone who could hand a ball off? How fuckin hard could it be? I'm your man if you want someone to give the ball to someone else or just take a sack. And I'll do it for less than $9 million per year.

I'm sure everyone's caught the Antonio Brown memery that's been floating around. As much as I'd love to share aforementioned memery with all y'all, I'm going to go ahead and refuse because:

1. Antonio Brown is a colossal shithead who sexually assaulted people in a hotel pool
2. Antonio Brown has always been a colossal shithead even during his Steeler days, and dare I say it, we owe Tomlin quite a bit of props due to the fact that we all had no fucking clue he was such a shithead until after he left Pittsburgh
3. Antonio Brown is nothing without Tom Brady

And given that I'm a staunch Team Tom kinda guy, this Antonio Brown dude can literally go play in traffic as far as I'm concerned. Although I'd prefer he be arrested and spend the rest of his days in some shitty Middle Eastern prison.

And as a member of Team Tom, I'm really hoping to finally get an invite to Valinor. I don't get why he's the only one allowed in,

Titans vs. Commodes

Wentz is quite the riddle wrapped in an enigma.

Plays good enough to keep Washington in the game.

Is terrible enough to throw picks at the worst fucking times.

Worth hanging onto because he can actually put up competitive amounts of fantasy points.

Carson Wentz is the Most Carson Wentziest Player in the League.

I hope you all look forward to me saying literally the same fucking thing about Wentz in next week's recap.

9ers vs. Pound Kitties

Rhule was fired in between me starting this column on Sunday and actually writing this specific section on Monday.

That dude fuckin sucks.

The only thing I was hoping would happen before his firing would be one of the three kids in a trenchcoat that obviously is pretending to be an NFL Coach falling out or something. There's no way that was an actual human man. Had to be some Men in Black alien controlling the body kind of thing or something.

Show evidence? The fuck you talking about? No.

Iggles vs. Cards

Wait. So Philly beat the Cards 3 games to 0 now? Does it mean they advance to the Divisional Series? I'm so confused.

'Boys vs. LAClippers

I can't not see LAClippers with the rams new fuckin logo.

Actually, I refuse to see anything else.

I dunno what else to say about this. Maybe some joke about how Cooper Rush is obligated to fuckin deck Dak as per Cowboys backup QB tradition,

Bengals vs. B-birds

Justin Tucker: system kicker. Ultimate teammate. Greatest at his position.

The Llamar Jackson & Justin Tucker combo is so fucking deadly at the end of close games. All they gotta do is get to their side of the field and it's almost assured that they'll get the win.

Raiders vs. Chefs

I'm going to let the internet's latest copypasta do the talking for me,

That was beautiful. I think the NFL has finally figured out the secret for Monday Night Football - it's finally giving us fans what we've been desperately begging for. Penalties. I fucking love them. I fucking love them! When I see that ref clutching the sexy yellow flag all I can think is thank god it isn't No-Nut November yet. Give me RTP, not calling holding or fumbles when they occur, illegal contact, pass interference, defensive holding on a field goal, that's the shit I tune in for. The players did a great job tonight at just letting the refs play, the coaches were screaming, the fans were looking wide-eyed and booing - THIS WAS SPORT at the highest level. I'm sure I'm not the only one who was overcome with ecstasy on that roughing the passer call - you know, the one where several flags all came down on the quarterback like a big yellow bukkake? I don't know about you guys, but I'll be tuning in every Monday wearing my black and white striped jersey, throwing flags around my apartment and screaming the calls in unison with these all-star officials at the top of my lungs. I can hardly contain my excitement for the next time a coach loses a time-out on a challenge for daring to question our boys who leave it all on the field every single week. This is a turning point for NFL ratings folks, and we all get to say we were here to witness it.

Incredible game with such a stupid fucking end.

And to all of us that may have Devante in one of our leagues, get ready for a potential one game suspension because the dude showed more heart walking off the field than WHEN HE COULD HAVE CAUGHT A GAME-SAVING RECEPTION

You fuckin asshole. CATCH THE BALL AND PLANT YOUR FEET. DON'T HAPPY TAP YOUR WAY OUT OF BOUNDS YOU STUPID SMOOTHBRAIN.

RECAPPIN TIME

L - 119.96 (3-2) Ethel St False Start

W - 130.06 (4-1) Poopy McGee 💩

Wow. Two 3-1 teams. Both topped 120 (..basically..).

But unfortunately, only one of them gets to walk away eatin a Dub.

Congrats Poopy McGee 💩. I'm so super excited for you and your spectacularly original team name to walk away with that win. Just make sure you watch your hands before you eat that dub, Mr. Poopy

Now. Let's see what kind of takeaways we have with this:

Ethel St False Start

• it appears you had absolutely no combination of players to win (subbing AJ Brown for Pickens or Samuel wouldn't have mattered) - I'm always curious if that makes anyone feel better about a soul-crushing loss
• IT MUST BE CELEBRATED: The Quadfather scored exactly as many points as predicted. I think that's pretty fucking neato
• Uhhhhh .. I don't have a third thing

So Poopy, it seems like Ezekiel Elliott sucks shit at running the rock. He legitimately feels like our current Fantasy Football King of "why couldn't the person in front of me have drafted him so I wouldn't have had the opportunity?"

Dude's a giant, Ewok-lookin, burden.

L - 86.56 (2-3) _ LACES OUT

W - 128.24 (2-3) 2Girls CooperKupp

Time to put on my thinking cat and provide some top-notch analysis of this result.

Hmm. Mm hmm. OK.

Let's begin:

_ LACES OUT

• It would appear your players shidded and pisseded into their pants instead of actually meeting their projections
• Since I have the power of hindsight, I really am going to have to question why you didn't try to hack into your opponent's ESPN Fantasy Account and outright drop their best players?
• That's pretty cool that Aaron Jones got an even 10.0 - or .. well, I think it's cool

2Girls CooperKupp

• Great call on outscoring your projections
• So like, I didn't want to mention this earlier but since I had called dibs on Justin Jefferson in mid-August, you actually are legally obligated to give him to me. You can reach out to the commissioner to make sure it's a clean and smooth process
• Brandon McManus has anus in his name (which makes perfect sense since he plays for a team that stinks like one)

This concludes my TED talk.

Now [extremely Logan Roy voice] fuck owff.

L - 135.98 (4-1) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

W - 136.38 (4-1) electric avenue shit sandwiches S3xy Randal Pharaoh Wizards

OK. Well, first off, I have to admit I love the name change. Love me a good Clerks reference.

To bring this to a second level of happy, the team profile photo coming from their extremely short-lived animated series? Mangnifique.

But .. you mother fucker. You keep pushing the god damn limits of Team Name character limits:

GOD DAMN STOP DEMANDING ELLIPSIS. JUST LET THE FUCKING NAME STAND ON ITS OWN. Of course, this is mainly on ESPN because for some dipshit reason, they give you an upper limit of characters THAT APPARENTLY IS TOO MANY FOR THE GOD DAMN FUCKING NAME TO FIT. AHHHHH. JUST REDUCE THE ALLOWED CHARACTER COUNT YOU SHITHOLES. I HATE HAVING TO CLICK IN TO CONFIRM I HAVE THE CORRECT SPELLING.

OK. With that off my chest, I just wanted to share how brutally close this matchup was on Sunday:

Wow! Talk about a sphincter-clenching matchup! I'm sure it remained this tense, right?

Right??

..oh..

NO WAIT HOLY SHIT

YOOOOOO. How the fuck did it get this close! Wow.

Between two 4-1 teams.

Y'all earned this,

W - 142.6 (2-3) All Painter Three Way

L - 125.24 (3-2) Kupp Runneth Over

What the fuck. Man. This stupid fucking Monday Night Football bullshit.

Yeah yeah yeah, everyone god damn loves Monday Night Football. Sure, when I was a young-buck either going to school or freshly out and looking for reasons to stay awake, Monday Night Football is the fucking balls, man.

Why get all those problem sets done early in the day when I could procrastinate all of that work to be done while I had Monday Night Football on? I knew that for 2.5-3 hours on Monday Night I was going to be up and at home, so just get your shit done then!

But now? As a 39-year-old who just wants to put in some fucking work on this column? These Monday Night Football games have entirely too much fucking consequence for fantasy fucking football. I mean look at this horseshit:

The fuck. This matchup should be fucking over. All Painter Three Way (as of 8:17pm on Monday Night) is down by 22 and change - of course Kupp Runneth Over is going to earn their fourth win.

Oh. But wait. ENHANCE:

That miserable. Freeloading. Mother-fucking. Projected Total is completely and utterly bamboozling any attempt I may want to test because WHO FUCKING KNOWS HOW THIS GOD DAMN PIECE OF SHIT MATCHUP WILL EVEN END.

So what am I going to do about it? Wait until fucking Tuesday to write all this shit?? FUCK YOU. I have video games to play and Bachelor in Paradise to watch. I'm just going to fucking bitch, moan, and salt the Earth instead.

Kyler Murray: fuck you, you god damn tiny manlet.
Breece Hall: Fuck you too.  You've directly caused me a loss in another league. Fuck you, shitbag.
Greg Joseph: Pick a fucking first name, and a last name. You can't have two firsts, you colossal bag of placenta.

Tom Brady: The fuck you doing? Just god damn murder Antonio Brown. I'm fairly sure you're entitled to with all the help you've provided him. No jury on Earth would convict you.
Dallas Goedert: How the fuck does a Philadelphia Eagle team have someone named "Dallas" on their roster. Seems like a conflict of interest.
James Connor: Stop trying and retire, you former Steeler piece of shit.

L - 104.56 (0-5) Legendary Comeback

W - 146.72 (1-4) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

ANOTHER of these shitty fucking situations.

JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING LOSS, ESPN.

I hate this stupid bullshit Projected Total because it's that idiotic, drunken friend who allows their inebriation-fueled false confidence to keep them from shutting the fuck up as they talk you up.

"Oh yeah, that girl? Hell yeah dude, you totally have this shit. I swear man, she's been talking about you all night! Just go up there!"

"Definitely take that parlay bet man, I swear I checked out some details this morning about how visiting teams at that stadium always beat the spread and hit the over. You have to parlay that shit."

"You don't need a condom, man! I know for a fact that she's on birth control. It'll be fine."

Yeah. OK. Fuck you.

I can't wait to lose to the only fucking fantasy team on Earth who started Jared Goff and actually turned around and won their matchup. Fucking Goff. That fucking Kirkland-brand Ryan Gosling lookin' motherfucker.

In a perfect World, yours truly and your commish would end up in a fuckin tie. Can't believe the dude who got Jonathan Taylor Thomas on the IR has a fighting fucking chance at winning. What the fuck.

NOTE: Just as I finished this sentence, Davante Adams caught that 4th down touchdown - making it 104.56 to 104.52

Since most everything I've written for this block is now null and void - let me .. uhhh ... well. I don't have anything else prepared.

Oh well, fuck you. I still have 4 fucking losses.

But at least I ain't got fiiiiive!!!

Fin.

Welp. That's it for week 5! Holy shit it's nice to get back, and I want to be the first to apologize for whatever this was. I kinda lost myself in there so if I've lost anyone .. well, that's why I sent out those permission slips in the beginning.

I hope everyone's fall is going spectacular, it's pretty damned beautiful and always look forward to getting my ass outside. Much love to everyone, and good look next week.