Is it week 4 already??
Oh shit, are you all still here? My bad, I guess I did say I'd be back after a couple weeks so here I am.
Uhh, well you're definitely not going to get any sort of recap of NFL games like I've done in the past because I was nowhere near the actual country the games were even played in - however I did enjoy pirating as I am wont to do, which I was essentially forced to because dickbag YouTube TV doesn't work outside of the USA.
What a stupid fucking service. We pay an obnoxiously high amount of money each month and we can't even fucking use i? Just let me watch what I normally would be able to in my home area, isn't that why we god damn set that shit in the first place? All these stupid fucking streaming services keep charging more and more every year (and in the case of Disney+, several times a year - fuck you Mickey).
Don't even get me started on the fact that the base tier gives you the worst fucking resolution and color quality. I have a pretty decently large 4K TV (not to brag), and yet when I try to watch shows like Alien: Earth, the shit that's supposed to be pure black is like, 4 shades of fucking gray. I swear, I'm watching shit through some sort of PlayStation 2 filter. It's absolutely horseshit and almost make me yearn for the days of Cable TV.
Well, not really. Cable TV was fucking stupid, but with streaming, it's a race to the bottom .. of my wallet.
European Tour
Flying with a tiny adorable monster
So. International travel. With a 14-month-old.
The pros:
VIP service at the airport when going through security and boarding the plane.
At some airports, they literally have a special lane for people with tiny, adorable infants - and if there isn't one, they'd let us skip the entire line for security. I personally think that me doing my best sherpa impression carrying a backpack, wearing the baby, dragging our stroller packed in a giant oversized case, carrying a carseat, and having the baby carry-on bag slinged across my shoulder helped garner some sympathy - but maybe people are just generally nicer to traveling families.
That said, I'd still end up sweating fucking bullets by the end of the security line with all the shit we'd need to throw into a dozen or so trays.
Then we have the killing of time before getting to the gate, which we usually do by struggling to find the lounge and spending the remaining 17 minutes we have to complain about how shoddy the food and drink is (in Krakow, they literally had a bunch of steamed hot dogs and slices of bread that people picked up with their bare hands - which is great given how airports and travelers are known for their cleanliness). Call us privileged, but all we want is some strong booze and food that won't give us the kind of gas that might cause an international incident.
Anyway, this all brings me to the boarding procedure at the gate.
It's fucking baller to not have to pay priority boarding prices and get priority boarding accommodations. I guess airlines figure that if they treat parents of young babies/infants well enough, we'll have plenty of internal guilt if the kid starts to absolutely fucking freak out during the flight and feel an unconscious desire to do anything and everything possible to fix the problem.
And boy oh boy, they are right.
Each flight we were on, we were essentially amongst the first handful of people on if not the very first people to board. Shit was fuckin awesome.
Little gifts n shit.
This really only pertains to Air France. They gave our baby some cool shit. In one case we got a signed certificate to denote her first international flight. And on the way home, she got an adorable little plush dog doll. That's some cool shit, Air France. You done good - would love to travel with you again.
But that brings me to cons list:
Most every moment after boarding is a life struggle between good and baby.
Sure, it's pretty awesome how friendly and helpful complete strangers can be when it comes to helping accommodate your child, but holy shit way too many people are waaaaaay too friendly.
The number of people who kinda just reach out and touch your child, whether to tickle their feet, or pet their hand, or give them a cute poke, is kind of fucking disturbing. Sure, I appreciate the friendliness but hey motherfucker: keep your dirty-assed airport grime and disease-laden hands to yourself. That's not really all that cool.
And then there are folks offering to help carry stuff on/off the plane. Like, I appreciate the gesture, but of all the places on Earth, the airport is literally the last place you want strangers handling your shit. They have specific fucking questions about whether your stuff ever gets out of your own possession. Yeah sure old man, I'd love some help carrying my baby's car seat off the plane but how do I know you won't sneak in a kilo of blow in there and not share any with me when I get through customs?
Frankly, nothing would make me more at ease than fellow passengers actually pretending that me or my child doesn't exist whatsoever. Then I don't feel bad when she kicks the shit out of their arm while they're trying to sleep, or when she decides it's screamin' time.
..that is, unless you're the type of asshole who constantly turns on your phone's flashlight and blasts everyone around you like you're doing your best lighthouse impression.
The amount of people who making so much fucking noise and make their presence brutally known to everyone and KEEPS OUR BABY FROM FUCKING SLEEPING SO INSTEAD SHE SHRIEKS UNCONTROLLABLY is unbelievable. They're also the folks who I garner no sympathy for and actually will do my best to direct all of the noise and tantrums at.
The second guessing of our car seat.
Motherfuckers. We specifically bought this fucking seat that carries an FAA approval thingy so we can use it while flying. Sure, it's fun to tether myself to my child and play around, or maybe have her sleep a little bit, but ultimately I want some motherfucking freedom. We fucking paid for this freedom by spending money on a third god damn seat for a 14-month-old. Don't you fucking dare think you can tell us the baby can't use the seat. You don't have a fucking god damn clue what you're talking about.
Doing shit in another country, with aforementioned tiny adorable monster
I don't really have the fuckin time or energy to go too much into this - but it wasn't bad. I'm glad we went through the effort of bringing the stroller, but it's a fucking behemoth. I felt like I was driving one of those school-children murder machine pickups on all those tiny European streets while trying to walk some narrow-assed old-city-center alleyways.
But I guess that's the cost of American Exceptionalism. I didn't ask for the privilege, but god damn am I going to both take advantage of it and also loudly proclaim with maximum obnoxiousity.
Beer
Europe is really giving IPAs a solid effort.
The effort is bad, but hey, I can tell they're trying.
Let me tell you, their attempts at creating a delicious New England IPA with that hazy taste ultimately just ends up as a fuckin Hefeweizen, which I personally consider a terrible beer. That said, I can give them another half dozen years - maybe by then they'll know exactly what they have to do to make a delicious hazy 7% beer.
..Maybe.
Week 1-3
So. Uhh.. Anything remarkable over the last three weeks?
- Daniel Jones is back on track with getting Brian Daboll fired
- Ravens are in peak postseason form
- Lmaowboys
- Get fucked, Chiefs
- Michael Penis Jr.
- Yo. What the fuck are you getting yourself into, Diggs??
- Tractorcito? More like Tractorshito
- Dan Campbell: still got them meaty clangers
- Bills on collision course with a heartbreaking first round exit
- Fuck the Chiefs
- Fuck the Broncos, too
- Bengals, fucked as usual
OK, let's get to some recaps
Welp. Let's see how this shit goes. Hopefully it's more coherent than your average Gen Z social media post.
W (1-2) My Guys
L (1-2) Two hotdogs one bun
There should be some sort of rule that if you start Mac Jones, you automatically start with -15 points.
Of course, My Guys would have still fucking won, but that's beside the point - anyone remotely involved with Mac Jones should be made to suffer in some way, shape, or form.
I guess it's good to see CMC is back and actually performing. Must feel awesome for the poor fucker that drafted him first overall last season to see his third straight 20+ game.
Another detail to note: fuck you My Guys. Motherfucker's bench scored more than my entire starting roster. God fucking damn this shit.
W (2-1) The Lying Media's Better Half
L (2-1) darnold's pizza kitchen
Hey congrats to [borat voice] my wife!
One of her greatest traits is her undying loyalty: regardless of however many times I forget to pay the electricity bill and we get disconnected, she still sticks with me. Which has to be why she just won't move on from the Ravens D/ST. Those bunch of fuckers suck asshole (NOTE: please pretend you're reading this before waivers cleared earlier this week).
And wow. Bijan Robinson scored 16+ points?? How the fuck did he pull that off with the Falcons getting absolutely shut down by the fucking Panthers of all teams??
L (2-1) Shough It Dude Let's Go Bowling
W (3-0) Ready, Willing, and Vrabel
Two absolute titans of our league faced off, and what a weird fucking twist of a result. Llamar, Jonathan Taylor Touchdown, and James "Jesse, we need to" Cook accounted for 85+ of the 132 points for Shough It Dude but that ain't shit for the roster that got 32 points from their Vikings defense (shout out Brian "Daboll" Flores), and should have started Caleb Williams over this Patrick Mahomes scrub.
Despite the high scorin' players up and down the roster, the result really came down to the complete fuckery by the Cowboys where they obliterated their best offensive weapon: CeeDeez Nuts got himself a fucking goose-egg of a score (shout out Mr. Blood).
Good luck playing offense with yourself, Dak
W (1-2) Slava I Crain
L (1-2) Doug Flutonian
Poor Doug Flutonian is quite possibly the only team on Earth that is actually struggling with Daniel Jones at the helm. Not a great look, especially with the sad state of your running backs. Christ, that roster is in rough shape and yet you still outscored me by like 10 points. This stupid fucking hobby.
Slava I Crain had a good showing or something.
W (1-2) Gibbs and Take
L (1-2) CMCR1P1 [JOE: what??]
What the fuck kind of name is Quinshon Judkins?? I can't tell if it's the perfect running back name, or ripe for mockery. Maybe it's a combination of the two? And holy fuck, his hair looks ridiculous too? Who the fuck is this drunken frat boy's create-a-player??
Oh well, speaking more to the actual players that earned points for their respective rosters, how about that Harrison Butker guy? The more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.
And uhhh, hmmm, CMCR1P1. Of all the fantasy names I've ever tried to say out loud, that is certainly one of them.
L (1-2) The Lying Media
W (2-1) TreVeyon My Wayward Son
This stupid fucking idiotic hobby god damn mother fucker. I couldn't even break 80 points? What the ever-loving fuck is this shit. I can't even shake up my starting roster because I have FOUR assholes who couldn't even score a single point - and don't give me any of that "well Joe Burrow and Aaron Jones are injured" malarkey. THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TUTU? THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU DAMEON??
Oh and who has my Aaron Jones Sr. handcuff?? THE PERSON I'M SHARING THE REST OF MY GOD DAMN LIFE WITH (love is love). WHAT THE FUCK.
Ps. good game by you, TreVeyon My Wayward Son. Solid team name, decently good showing. Best of luck, you jerk.
Fin.
Ahhh. Well that was fun, perhaps a little disjointed and ranty, but shit man, I do this for free. For the love of the game. I'm not some highly paid podcaster or self-promoting shitposter on Twitter. I carefully handcraft each of these artisan columns in my home laboratory, personally package it, and hand-deliver it to each of your web browser machines.
And I truly hope you all know that I love doing it. The amount of blood, sweat, tears, and fecal matter in each of these labors of love is something I take very seriously (and have consulted my doctor about).
So enjoy the final few days of September, and brace your anus for week 4.
Let's get into that Autumn spirit, toss up some Halloween decorations, and get excited for one of the final times we gotta mow the lawn. I can't wait for more brisk mornings, and am pumped to squeeze in maybe one last Oktoberfest event this weekend.
Take care, good luck, and much love to all of you shitbags. It's been a while, but I can't wait to get into the stride of this shit again.
Writing is hard work. A clear sentence is no accident. Very few sentences come out right the first time, or even the third time. Remember this in moments of despair. If you find that writing is hard, it's because it is hard.