In memory of Gobbles

Texans rustle some Bluecows

ok google, show me an image that describes the Buffalo Bills' Super Bowl window,

Chi-town Steamers Steelers

Steelers waking up on Monday checking the standings,

Chi-town? You're one fuckin win away from the #1 seed in the NFC. Hope to see the Greatriots and Bears in the first ever Fraud Bowl in February!

Stalingrad Patriots

Sure, it's great to escape with a win against a team who frankly, I thought was going to beat the Pats, but god damn, did it have to cost the team most of its offensive line?

It's a double-edged sword for sure, with every one of these skin-of-the-teeth wins, I keep rising to absurd and unsustainable levels of pure confidence that the Patriots won't ever lose again. If this was during either of the Brady/Belichick runs of the early '00s or mid-late '10s then sure, those teams were fucking loaded .. but this shit? As great as Vrabel has been, he's not Belichick. This team is not as talented as that '03 or '04 squads.

I'm obviously rooting to end the year with a win and another Lombardi, but I still can't shake the thought that this team could easily lose next Monday Night against the Giants.

Hopefully, I'm fucking wrong - I know I have been before .. like, several times. This week!

He rapes, but he tosses touchdowns

Jameis is a helluva entertainer player. He's funny, charismatic, and only has two civil settlements for sexual assault accusations.

So yeah, Jameis throws and catches touchdowns!

..but he does rape..

Another failure of McCarthyism

JJ fuckin sucks, holy shit - no, not that JJ, I mean Number Nine.

Seahawks vs. Who??

6-point win over a 1-9 team.

Colts confirmed frauds

I don't care if the Chiefs won, I'm absolutely freebasing that the Colts were shown to be fuckin frauds.

I'm absolutely sure there's no possible way we might get fucked over by the Chiefs slowly sneaking their asses back into the postseason hunt.

Ravens are so back

I uhh, don't have shit to post about this one, so I'm going to just share a very intriguing dating strategy I've learned from the World Champion of Divorced Dads,

Like, what the fuck is with this dude? He's like, 3-4 felonies away from being the Redneck Antonio Brown.

I don't understand at all why he's even posting shit like this,

How does anyone even lose to the Raiders

Trevor LawrINTs

Now. I realize the Trevor Lawrence - I mean, LawrINTs - may be one of those aggressive interception throwers in the league right now. Sure, he was supposed to be a generational talent unseen since the likes of Peyton Manning and John Elway, but sadly hasn't been able to fill those shoes due to a complete lack of postseason failure at this point in his career.

But as disappointing as he has been this season, I actually am in awe with what he's been able to accomplish. I frankly can not believe he has been competing at such a high level this season given his medical condition:

He looks so happy, and I frankly wish him and his growing family nothing but cheer and joy in their future.

Lolggles

Oof. Everything looked so great for the Eagles, until it wasn't,,,

Saquads performed so poorly, any fantasy owners should be worried that he'll be benched in favor of his backup who had more yards than he did last Sunday,

But most of all I don't know if I know of any division in the NFL that has the united solidarity against whoever happens to be leading like the NFC East. Washington and NY may be out of the postseason, but they definitely can enjoy these types of results,

On the plus side though - I realize that as a Masshole by birth, I really appreciate the attitude of our fans, but we've become fat and complacent. Our hatred of teams just isn't nearly what it used to be.

Frankly, the model fanbase for Hating has to be Philadelphia. I mean, look at this specimen:

This man put on like, 18 chains, scoped himself out in the mirror, and went out in public and attended this game. At no point during that entire journey did anyone treat him like he was weird or out of place. I'm sure he actually got dozens and dozens of people high-fiving him.

This is hall of fame hatred.

Falcons @ Saints

Broken Buccs

Eh. This game was over before the first quarter ended.

panthrs vs 49IRs

Brock Favre did his best to throw the game away, but little did he know that the Bryce and the Panthers have the edge when it comes to pissing away games.

Recapulations

Welcome to the reason y'all are here - to be provided the incredible and very, very in-depth analytics the help drive everyone's understanding and motivation for the next week.

Now, if I had to encapsulate the purpose of these textual representations of the previous week's boxscores in the form of a visual aid, it would go something like,

As you can see, it's not something I take lightly.

L (5-7) Two hotdogs one bun
W (8-4) Olave it Hurts

Good win. Nice. Great. Super excited that Olave it Hurts has punched themselves another ticket to the postseason.

No. I'm not bitter or anything. Why would you imply such a thing? I'm nothing but supportive for [borat voice] my wife. She's made great moves, resisted a trade offer from me for Amon-Ra, survived (so far) relying on the Tampa Bay Buccaneer backfield, and yadda yadda yadda, WHOOP DEE FUCKING DOO.

Wish I could discuss anything about Two hotdogs one bun, but there ain't much outside of Run CMC. I dunno, maybe I'll dabble in talking about Jordan Love - I ain't know shit about him, or really care whatsoever about the Packers, but I do know that his Green Bay fans are fuckin weird motherfuckers.

Yeah sure, they may be obese, and love cheap ass watered down beer. They've never met a brat they wouldn't gobble down like a duck swallowing its food. But .. that love of fucking cheese? I first encountered this weird fucking adoration when watching Bingo oh so many years ago,

The dad was a placekicker who got traded to the Packers or some shit, and there were a bunch of jokes about how much those cheeseheads loved motherfucking dairy like cheese curds and whatnot.

Anyway, fuck cheese. Go wife!

L (5-7) TreVeyon My Wayward Son
W (3-9) Slava I Crain

Sadly, it looks like Josh Allen Josh Allenned maybe a little too much in week 11. Sure, he recreated the 2-interception magic, but forgot about the whole 6 total touchdowns part. What an asshole, right?? And I wish I were surprised that he wasn't even the worst QB performance for TreVeyon My Wayward Son in week 12 - because he had the incredible and unassailable Number 9.

And by 9, we all mean out of 500. That kid is fucking garbage.

He's so bad, he makes Justin Jefferson look like N'Keal Harry.

Congrats on the win, Slava I Crain. I want to say that you're not really playing for much other than pride, but we all know that's 100% wrong because this is the wonderful time of year when those out of playoff contention get to play for the right to fuck up someone else's playoff chances. I can't even say it's my favorite aspect of fantasy football because it's literally all I ever have every fucking year. It's all I've ever known.

So how about that Bryce Young motherfucker? Thank fucking god Bo Nix is coming back. This stupid kid makes J.J. look like .. well, trash. Nothing on fucking Earth could make that shitbag look talented.

L (6-6) My Guys
W (5-7) CMCR1P1

The man finally gets Baker "Punch me in the face bro, you won't" Mayfield on his roster, gives him his first start and what happens? The dude fucking dies. He literally has ceased to be. Baker is simply, no more.

At least he has ,, uh,, Joe Flacco? Oh boy. CMCR1P1 you got some fucking work to do. Whether it's scratching together a new QB somehow, or converting to some faith that might actually deliver a miracle, your very slim playoff chances depend on it.

On the other side of this boxscore, My Guys had some pretty marvelous performances. No, not from Diggs or Andrews, but man that Ashton Jeanty finally showed us something despite him playing for an NFL franchise that is doing irreperable harm to the entire sport of Football. And then right-wing dipshit Butker carried his dipshit midwest team to a win.

Puka did OK. But I expect better from him.

That brings me to Chase Brown. Solid player. Definitely someone that only some dumbass fucktard would ever give up for a worse player. What kind of room temperature IQ shit for brains would ever do such a thing?

W (6-6) darnold's pizza kitchen
L (5-7) Doug Flutonian

The only team to even give me a run for my money as the worst scoring team of the week, Doug Flutonian learned some brutal lessons depending on the likes of Brock Purdy and Rhaminder "he" Stinkerson. I'm honestly shocked that we even saw Stinkerson in the game as much as we did - I was truly nervous that TreVeyon may have been injured. But even with all those carries, the fuck ONLY 2.0 points???

The winner of the Serino Civil War, where the spoils of war was a beautifully .500 record? darnold's pizza kitchen. And the victory was achieved thanks to a very fair and balanced attack of facts and logic. The only weak points came from Boner Grades - I mean, Woody Marks, and the supposed best kicker in the league. Pfft. Aubrey ain't no match for the Loopster.

L (7-5) Ready, Willing, and Vrabel
W (8-4) Gibbs and Take

I feel like I spent so much fucking time tickling the testicles and posting that horrific photoshop of Jonathan Taylor, I completely forgot about who may turn out to be the best running back in the league - The Gibbs that keeps on Gibb'n, Mr. Jahmyr Gibbs.

That god damn motherfucker scored so many fucking points that Gibbs and Take easily absorbed Jordan Addison's fucking 0 god damn points and still had the highest total for the week.

I'm fucking appalled at how absolutely fucking pissed off I am looking at this boxscore.

Sure, I'm probably more jealous that angry, but fuck you man. Let's say you could only start three players - Fratthew Statpadford, Tractorcito, and Emanuel "one m???" Wilson - I would have still lost with my entire lineup. I measure all my ire and vitriol against how few players a team would need to start to beat my pathetic ass - and Gibbs and Take may own the title of two players for a while.

Now that I'm all seething and unable to cope, I think I'm ready to speak to Ready, Willing, and Vrabel and his absolute free-fall from grace. Of course, 4th place ain't a bad spot to be in at all - and he's still got Achane coming back from the BYE week, but I'm not here to praise. I'm here to shit all over everyone's god damn roster because they have what I want: fucking wins.

So yeah, fuck Rashee Rice, and Odunze, and Pollard, and uhh, umm, fuck Patrick Mahomes. Hah. I fuckin' got 'em.

Factoid: a note that probably only I would find interesting is that I'm in another league where the team who had Gibbs also had Jordan Addison,

Is this interesting? I don't think so, but fuck you, I write this shit, and you'll sit there [most likely on the toilet] and read it.

L (5-7) I fucking suck at this
W (9-3) Shough It Dude Let's Go Bowling

So. I dabbled in a little bit of trading last week and when the dust settled I let my darling wife know what I had done. So she pulled up the details and gave me one of these,

So she walked over, she sat me down, looked me straight in the eyes, and asked:

"What in the fucking WORLD were you thinking?"

So while I responded with the same joke I had made in last week's column multiple times,

She gave me one of these,

And that's when I realized: my new acquisitions needed to perform this week. It would be all worth it if I could just get one of those ever-elusive Wins and return back to the glory of being .500 on the season.

It was absolutely possible to beat Shough It Dude Let's Go Bowling. Looking at some of the results, I had an absolutely pedestrian showing from Jonathan Taylor. Llamar Jackson barely did shit. Even Eggbigboo essentially sucked.

And on my side, Jared Goff had a decent week and my sleeper pickup Michael Wilson had a second outstanding week... but that's where it stopped. Rico was ok, but the rest of my fucking lineup ,, I belive sabermetricians would be quoted as calling it: fucking sucked shit through a busted paper straw.

Thankfully, I was all out of shit, so I went with a very familiar flavor,

Fin.

Hey hey! Week 12 is in the books! And guess what today is?

Thanksgiving!

I hope this column finds everyone well, and perhaps gives folks that extra motivation to linger in the bathroom by yourselves just a couple minutes more. Whether it's a welcome distraction from annual family drama, or some reading material while you squeeze out that mud monkey from eating too much god damn potatoes - I'm here to serve all of you, my faithful readers.

What am I thankful for? Why, every single one of you dipshits who made it this far. I'm thankful that you spared some of your day to peruse some memes I found, and cheap jokes I made. I'm thankful that you all took the time over the last three or four years to finally learn to read - something that I'm hoping to achieve one day as well.

But most of all, I'm thankful for the family I have - whether the one I grew up with and have spent what feels like countless thanksgivings with, the one I married into that I can't wait to see and enjoy merriment on Saturday, the one I share with my darling wife with a 16-month-old daughter who is already outsmarting her dumbass dad, or the extended Fantasy football family of friends that I consider all of you fuckers.

I mean this from the bottom of my nut-sack: love you guys. And while my ass remains out of the playoff jackpot, I still love following every god damn matchup every week. The blowouts, the comebacks, the teams playing down to their competition, the absolute fucking brutal heartbreak losses - I love them all almost as much as I do the managers who run these absolutely busted ass rosters.

So take care out there, have a wonderful fuckin Thanksgiving today, and I hope the binge eating and carries you through the weekend. We've got like 5 straight days of football to celebrate - whether it's the NFL, college, or even high school - so enjoy it to the fullest.

See y'all next week.