Yeah so. This week's gonna be a little lean.

While I don't have any league-wide memery to share, I do have specific targets of my ire:

Deshaun vs. Burrow

It was great watching how happy Joe was for Jake Browning, and I think that type of sideline help gave Jake the confidence he needed to completely fucking kick god damn ass in the game.

Now.. where have I seen this before? And how can I connect this back to my favorite team?

Hmmmm...

NFL Quarterbacks vs. Injury

Like most NFL fans, I echo that empty gesture of "I don't root for injuries" but I'm different because I'm me, and I totally mean it. And yes, I don't even root for Deshaun to get injured - but that's because I want him to have to play and get his fucking face smashed in by as many blind-side tackles as possible.

As far as players I actually enjoy, I'd have to say that Joe Burrow going out for the season is easily the most bummed I had gotten for an IR'd player. Kirk Cousins is also up there because of how hard he balls out, and similar to the Bengals, those franchises just can't fucking catch a break unless it's their own franchise QB's leg or something.

Now, what the fuck is my point? Well it would be that another Factory of Sadness Franchise has potentially entered the fray:

I'm sorry, Jags fans. I guess ol' faithful rings true: God Hates Jags.

Truly tragic shit. I really hope that long-haired hippy motherfucker gets back on the field. Jacksonville had themselves maybe half of one game in control of their AFC Seeding Destiny, only to end up on the losing end of a battle with Jake fucking Browning. Jesus Christ.

Lmao Eagles

Now. I don't personally have any sort of direct hatred of the Eagles. I thoroughly enjoy rooting for them because I feel a kinship with Philly as a fellow salty Northeast city asshole. While John Wick can kill someone with a pencil, Philly fans can commit mass murder with a 9Volt battery. Hell, at least one of their fans literally ate shit when the Eagles won a championship.

Sure, that championship came at the expense of the Patriots in one of the most exciting Super Bowls ever played (after XLIX, XXXVI, XXXVIII, and LI of course), with iconic plays and players like the Philly Special, BDN, and Brandon Graham's strip sack, it should lead to me being super duper spiteful.

But it doesn't. Not historically speaking. There are plenty of other franchises that I hate so much more.

Howevah. The confidence and swagger of this team and their fans is so fucking easy to hate and abhor. It's on a level close to those Ray Lewis Ravens teams. I'm sure that's what most of you peasants who hated the Greatriots at their peak probably felt as well.

So when the team gets it's face kicked in like Philly did against San Francisco, even a blowout is super fucking entertaining to watch,

So yeah. I'd be doing everyone a disservice if I didn't address how fucking funny that shit was,

OK OK OK. I'm done.

Oh no wait, one more,

Hehe.

Fantastical Nightmares

HEY YO YOU FUCCBOIS, LET'S GET FAHKEN PUMPED UP FOR THEM SHITS. YOU FINALLY GET OVER YOUR HEARTBREAKING LOSS IN WEEK 13? WELL LET ME BRING IT ALL BACK UP TO SHIT ALL OVAH YOUS.

DON'T WORRY. THE SEASON'S ALMOST OVER, AND SOON THE FUN WILL MOTHAH FAHKEN BEGIN - AND BY FUN I MEAN FEWER FUCKING MATCHUPS TO RECAP. CAN'T FUKKEN WAIT HO-LEE SHIT.

L - (5-8) SmokinJoeSpouse

W - (6-7) Team Golder

Welp. I don't want to say the dream is over, because there's shockingly a 1% chance this current nightmare could right itself in the final week of the regular season - but like most 1% chances, it's not a very good one. SmokinJoeSpouse, you brought honor and respect to our household and while it may appear as though I'm beginning the obituary to your season it's only because I know that being in such close proximity to the aura of failure that is my fantasy football reputation means you were doomed ever since you made your first pick.

Thankfully, you have plenty to blame - and I'm sure I've cursed those players out before so everyone's brutally aware of who they are: Patrick "I fucking suck" Mahomes, and Cooper "I also fucking suck" Kupp. God damn dumpster fire players.

Now Team Golder. I can't believe that with this win you actually have a 42% chance at making the postseason. I couldn't quite understand the math at all until I realized: 8 fucking teams make it to the playoffs in this league. Holy shit. 2/3rds of our league get to play on, and 10/12 get to enjoy some chance at making it going into our final week.

That sounds like fun. I should try it one fucking season god fucking damn it.

L - (7-6) Sir, This is an RBs

W - (9-4) Air Force

Sometimes I look over someone's roster, and despite the total score it just doesn't seem like all those individual performances could possibly add up to the sum that I'm staring at.

This situation is very much adjacent to that, but in a complete opposite way: I swear to God, Air Force, I look at each of your players' performance and don't understand how you didn't fucking score at least 200 fucking points.  You had TWO 30+ POINT SCORERS AND THEN TWO MORE AT 20+..

Oh. I guess if I actually type it out, I can understand how the total doesn't hit 200.

BUT STILL. The fuck, man? The only thing keeping you grounded on this planet is the Browns Browning up their playoff chances, and the Chargers being the Chargers.

Sir, This is an RBs, you played valiantly. Shit man, you had some standouts of your very own but I feel like you probably didn't have the best feeling coming out of Thursday Night despite how great your Dak was lookin' because this mother fuckin Air Force psychopath got 32+ from CompactDisc Lamb.

It's tough to imagine anyone taking down the commissioner this season, but I feel like if there's anyone who could, it's one of the following teams and their stupid and well-constructed rosters.

W - (8-5) America First

L - (10-3) the peristaltic chain reactions

You know. If I didn't attend and get drunk at the Bruins game on Sunday, I'd probably have enjoyed following this matchup in its entirety. Much like the game that started off our week 13 - and probably gave the peristaltic chain reactions quite the hard-on going into Sunday - I hope you called a doctor - this was a fucking Fantasy League barn-burner of a game.

Sure, you had a couple dipshit role-players barely able to tie their own shoes let alone score fantasy points and make themselves relevant in the matchup:

• Logan Thomas was a certified fucking bum
• Tyler Conklin's only contribution is a funny last name
• Rams D/ST is a row on the matchup table

This shit looks like one of those stupid fucking movie-fights where literally every fucking thrown punch lands right square on the jaw of the other dumbass. By the end of this matchup there was so much god damn brain damage, you'd think a British nanny was involved.

A DK haymaker to the eye-socker was followed by a Deebo to the temple. Next comes a Goff to the nuts, countered by a Kamara to the knee. Blow after blow after blow. That's real fucking football right there.

None of that pansy ass dick tugging smile for the camera bullshit. Men puke, men poop on the field, men deliver their new born baby on the side lines. Fucking hard core dick in the ass butterball foosball fuck it chuck it game time shit. Take it to the showers. Dicks get shoved in places you don’t even remember. We win together we celebrate together. Football is back baby.

W - (6-7) Team Name

L - (8-5) Jerome Booger American Icon

Excuse me, but what the fuck am I even looking at?

God damn fuckin goose-eggs left and right, and despite two thanks to Terry McLaurin and Tank Dell, Team Name walks out the victor???

Team Name ended up getting completely betrayed by his two starting running backs - but not as much as Jerome Boger American Icon did by Juwan Johnson's completely dogshit goose-egg performance. Actually - The American Icon was absolutely shitbagged by the entire Tight End position:

• Evan Engram carried Team Name with 23+ points
• Juwan scored fucking nada

What a stupid fucking position. People complain about kickers, but at least that's a super fun x-factor of a position. You get a couple 50+ yarders nailed and boom, you can sneak out a win. But Tight Ends? Who the fuck cares about that position? I literally just drafted Cole Kmet across all four fucking leagues, set him, and then just forgot about him.

Well. Tight Endery aside, this moderate slugfest really was just for seeding purposes, as well as giving Team Golder and SmokinJoeSpouse a teeny, tiny chance at tasting the postseason.

So really: don't fuck this up, Team Name because I'm sure I could find a hilarious meme if you end up missing the playoffs.

Well. I probably could.

Maybe.

L - (1-12) Belichick is my silent partner

W - (7-6) Bloodfeast Islandmen

Yikes. You know, Belichick is my silent partner, while I realize that this season hasn't been very successful for you, there are plenty of reasons to keep that chin up. I mean, you've got plenty of excuses to keep that copium filling your veins and bide your time until the draft when your broken confidence will rise from the ashes like a phoenix.

I know I've said this week-in and week-out, but the fuckery you've had to deal with regarding Joe Burrow and Austin Ekeler set you up to fail in such a catastrophic way, I know I can't help but to laugh.

At least Joe Burrow gave it his all until he literally couldn't not grip a fucking football. Austin Ekeler was such complete dogshit this season. Literally, the only thing he could ever produce was spectacular amounts of Fantasy FOMO:

That fear that the week you decide to bench a player, that's the week he decides to go off for 20-30+ points. It doesn't matter if he hasn't scored double digits for a half dozen weeks, because he's liable to go off at any. time.

I've watched Ekeler do this to so many fucking teams across the leagues I'm in - including ONE WHERE I HAVE HIS PIECE OF SHIT, DOODOO-BUM ASS. God damn, fucking Chargers players are such fucking disappointments in real life, and in fantasy. God damn I hate them for what they do to their fans and fantasy owners.

PS. Great win by the Bloodfeast Islandmen. You've [most likely] gotten yourself into the playoffs. I mean, 97% is a pretty high percentage. How the fuck are you expected to drop out? You'd need to somehow score zero points and the teams behind you score like 140 points. There's just no fucking way, right? That's god damn impossible, right?

RIGHT??

Oh god that would be so funny if it happened, though.

W - (9-4) Two hotdogs one bun

L - (2-11) The Lying Media

Another week. Another loss. Another sub-par performance where I couldn't even fucking break 100.

Ugh. I just do not have the energy to go over what went wrong for me and right for Two hotdogs one bun so instead I'm going to just post a dramatic reenactment of most of my matchups this season.

I bet you'll never guess which of the combatants is me.

(It's Mr. Dick Twist)

Fin.

Welp. That's week 13 in the books! December is fuckin here and hope y'all are pumped for more holiday shenanigans!

I'll keep this short and sweet because frankly, I'm pretty fuckin sick and just want to get back to bed to play Metroid Dread and eat some soup.

Take care this week, stay healthy, don't forget to get whatever god damn presents you need to, and see you all next week! Love you guys - take care!