I played a little hookie from work and went apple picking last Friday. And let me tell you: I know a thing or two about apples and apple picking. Shit, I'd consider the region I grew up in as the land of Apple Orchards.

With the the birthplace of Johny Appleseed just a hop, skip, and a couple exits down route 2 away, several surrounding towns have been blessed with some of the tastiest tradition of titillating apples.

Growing up, it seemed like whenever Field Trip season came to be at school, the primary go-to was a god damn Apple Orchard. Want to go on a cheap date? Take that bitch to an Apple Orchard. You happen to be fuckin higher than pterodactyl pussy and want to enjoy the outdoors and munch on delicious food? Let's roll one more and hit up an Apple Orchard.

So yeah, I don't want to toot my own horn too much but,,,

Toot toot.

New age orchards

So let me get back to the original story: Rachel and I took our talents to Tougas Apple Orchards, and the place was really fuckin quaint. It was like some kind of mini Orchard Disney world with animals, a fuckin pretty picnic area, extra buildings you could buy food and kitschy shit in, even what looked like 8 fuckin tractors for hay-rides.

Definitely one of the better setups for celebrating the best of the four seasons.

I'll get to those shits later (maybe), because I need to say that these new-fangled god damn orchards are fucking weird.

I'm used to the classics. Like Carlson's orchards. Like Doe orchards. Like Honeypot Orchards.

You know the ones I'm talking about, the ones where you can walk all around actual fucking apple trees:

These god damn modern aberrations are more akin to fuckin apple hedges or some shit.

It's like they plant rows and rows of apple poles, connect them together with several wires to keep them in line, and then trim any fuckin excess branches.

Sure, the apples this technique produces are fuckin delicious, and I'm sure it's insanely simpler to maintain this formation of apple tree but god damn it's without soul. The magic and mystery of getting lost between apple trees is completely lost. Keeping track of kids is so much easier because these shits just create walls of apples, no more criss-crossing between everything. Trying to sneak in some booze or a couple hits is so much fuckin harder because there's no where to hide.

That said, I have to repeat: the apples were fucking juicy, crisp, and tasty as fuck.

But yeah, fuck change.

Shout out to Bolton

One of the most important parts of apple picking is at the end, after you put your huge 40 lb sack of apples in the car and check yourself to ensure that you didn't separate your shoulder too badly: the apple cider donuts.

I don't really know when these fuckers came to be because I don't remember them from my childhood whatsoever, but they are so fucking good - and you gotta make sure you get the cinnamon sugar or whatever the fuck it's called. I feel like I've never met one that I didn't like, and the very best ones are made so fresh they're still fucking warm. Like, I don't even think there's such thing as a legitimate grading system for apple cider donuts. There's really just two categories:

• Having apple cider donuts
• Not having apple cider donuts

But that aside, apparently boston.com called out Bolton Spring Farms!

Don't believe me? Well fuck you, read this.

Yeah sure, they're really fucking good. But so are the donuts from a handful of other places we've gotten them fresh (shout out to Shelbourne orchards - your apple picking sucked donkey dick, but the donuts were divine).

That said, the place is a local stop just a little bit from our house so I guess I'll show some pride and FIGHT ANY MOTHERFUCKER THAT QUESTIONS THEIR DELECTABILITY (if you visit, bring cash cause they are perhaps the only cash-only place left in the region).

Ultimate Apple Power Rankings

I'll put this stupid fuckin preamble to a rest with a quickie power ranking because the wife and myself have strong opinions about apples and have yet to be ever proven wrong.

1. Jonagold

The reigning GOAT for me personally. Sure, the wife wasn't as fond of them as I was but it's my column and god damn it, I'm putting it number one (sorry babe, please forgive me). Easily the juiciest, crispiest, sweetest bite I took while picking. It was so fucking good I wouldn't shut the fuck up about it. Like seriously, I was unbelievably obnoxious.

2. Honeycrisp

A mutual love by the wife and myself. We picked so fucking many of these at the orchard because they're both delicious and pretty easy to bake with. Actually, this was made:

3. Granny Smith

I fuckin hate these things, but the wife loves them. I'm just not a fan of tart - but if I were, these bitches would be highly rated by me as well.

4. Macintosh

They're perfectly adequate.

5. Pink Lady

I get this shit in stores all the time. It's such a weird shape because it's dimpled like a golf ball, but god damn if it isn't juicy and sweet.

[like, 40 different strains]

n-1. Pinova

People wouldn't shut the fuck up about the tropical flavor or whatever about this one, but we couldn't locate that taste anywhere. Nice and crisp, but we couldn't find any worth writing home for. Although I did bring a couple home because, why not?

n. Macoun

The fuckin budweiser of apples. I thought I really liked these, but no. They just aren't good.

n+1. Fuji

Why is it that everywhere that sells apples has this bullshit? What is up with the word "Fuji" that people love throwing on shit to fool people into thinking it's high quality. Fuji water is from like, a Pensacola or Scarborough or some shit. Fuji apples are lamer than macouns.

NFL GAMERY

Brocos @ Chefs

What the fuck was this. I was promised pulverized Bronco ribs slathered in KC bbq sauce.

Instead it was just this disgusting bullshit,

Thank God Sean Payton was so abrasive, it actually distracts people from shitting on Belichick too much

Ravens @ Tittans @ England

Fuck that. I chose to rake fucking leaves outside.

Commies @ Flailcons

Anyone remember when I actually provided commentary on these games instead of just straight up stolen memery?

No? Yeah, neither do I.

Vikes @ Brrs

And yes, it is real:

Bitch Pigeons @ Bungles

49IRs @ BOROWNS

CONGRATS - THIS IS THE MEME GAME OF THE WEEK

heh.

Carolina Pulled Pork @ The fish

Instead of some silly sports memes, I share a word from my God, our sponsors:

On second thought, let's scope out the horrific violence wrought on by Hekker,

Clots @ Jaggin off

NOOOOOOO @ Tejans

CJ Stroud finally tossed an interception. Neato.

Boo England @ Rrrrrrrrrraidrs

STL Cards @ LARs

I'd rather watch,

Iggles @ Jest

Now that was a loss that,

This is for all the fans who (tried to) watch the end of the 49ers game before Fox fucked up a nation of NFL fans,

Lions @ Buccos

Gints @ Bill's

daLLas @ LAClippers

Just your average Chargers fan,

Let's a gooooo!!

W (5-1) Ethel St. False Starts

L (4-2) the peristaltic chain reactions

WITH FIRST PLACE ON THE LINE, WE HAVE OUR:

Welp. That was quite the decisive win by the 5-1 Ethel St. False Starts. The first place spot is undeniable.

Fuckin' drooling looking over all that prime production, it's not fair god damn it. Even fuckin Steviewonderson got near 20 points? Really? The fuck is that shit?

peristaltic was ok. Sure, he would have beat my dipshit team, but that's not saying much. Looks like he was let down by the injury bug:

• McCaffrey: dead.
• Montgomery: dead.
• Josh Allen: probably living dead.
• Hodgkins: deceased.

It was a god damn disappointing bloodbath up and down that roster.

..ok, maybe it wasn't that great of a game of the week.

L (3-3) Bloodfeast Islandmen

W (4-2) Combined Arms

The battle of 3-2s didn't really have the muster to be an all-time great one. Holy shit, Bloodfeast Islandman got absolutely fucking roasted by Combined Arms (a reference I'm still somewhat struggling to understand).

I guess Llamar doesn't really deserve too much blame, but after the liquifying my ass last week, a measely 24 points combined from Ja'Marr and DJ is pretty fuckin pathetic. Joe Mixon can't seem to find his way above 10 points consistently. And even the fear of KJ Osborn replacing him hasn't gotten Marquise "Hollywood" Brown to produce fuck-all.

And don't get me started on how disappointed I was to see anything fewer than 45 points from the dick kicker, Dicker.

As for you, Combined Arms. What the fuck, dude. I've warned you before: just chill the fuck out. I already feel massive regret maybe not trading Bijan Mustard, but holy fuck these point totals you're getting are completely fucking irresponsible. You've got assholes on your bench scoring 17+, 13+, 16+, and yet they'd be downgrades to your starting roster. Fuckin' shit, my dude.

L (2-4) Team Golder

W (2-4) Team Name

Good god what a matchup.

Sure, there were some standouts like Compact Disc Lamb, old man Thielen, and Kiss my Butker - along with Mustard, Real time with Brett Maher, and I dunno, maybe the Swiftie

But most everything else is kinda eww.

And by everything else, it's mostly the fucking QBs. Good fuckin lord. Purdy and Fields sucked butt. Then Samaje and Sanders were fuckin trash holy shit.

Of course, I would literally murder in cold-blood for this output or a second win but that's beside the point of: THIS MATCHUP IS BORING AND SO IS THIS RECAP.

L (4-2) I'm So 'Vard

W (4-2) Two hotdogs one bun

The Battle of Bromfield was quite ... whelming.

Although this shit really brought me back to playing indoor hockey in gym class - mother fuckin Two hotdogs one bun just absolutely wrecking fools with his stickplay. Sure, maybe our non-hockey-playing apathetic and overall lumbering selves could just lethargically play out the clock, but this hotdoggin' son of a bitch would cross us up and break our ankles like he were Tim Hardaway and we were a traffic cone,

And then because there was a no-slapshot rule (THANKS A LOT CAITLIN FOR BLASTING MY FACE AND CHIPPING A TOOTH), he'd effortlessly wrist shot that fucker through the five-hole.

So yeah, that was a moment in time during gym class with Mr. Pantenella just watching kids from a High School with no hockey team getting completely fucked up by an out of town ringer.

Gooooood times.

W (3-3) SmokinJoeSpouse

L (0-6) I went to a Harvard

WELP. I have to admit, while it hurts to see a fellow Harvardian go down, I have to take my own personal health into account first and foremost, and if SmokinJoeSpouse lost because Drake London was on the bench then shit at home would have possibly gotten much too spicy for the pepper.

Although honey, sweet-heart, the love of my life: you need to get yourself a mother. fucking. running back.

Also, the fuck is up with god damn Patrick Mahomes??

Is he broken or some shit? Does he really miss that Siriani fucker?

And speaking of assholes who can't seem to play well, the Lions really hate Jahmyr don't they?

What's up with that??

W (4-2) America First

L (1-5) The Lying Media

Well.. I guess at least I'm solidifying my position in the standings.

I really can't fuckin deal with these dipshit mediocre performances from Dameon Pierce. I thought I outsmarted everyone by grabbing Umami Demercado but the fucker was completely stymied by the checks notes LARams?

Really don't want to act like I'm bitter or jealous or whatever, but this America First fucker really played some 9-Dimensional underwater galaxy chess by grabbing Kamara and JTTouchdown. It sure is a lot cooler to rely on stud arby's instead of constantly playing the stupid fucking shell game each week trying to find the running back on my roster that'll score 10+.

WHY DO I STILL HAVE JAHAN DOTSON!!??

Household power rankings

1. SmokinJoeSpouse
2. The Lying Media

Fin.

See you later, week 6! Bring on [Street Fightin' Man] WEEEEEK SEVUUUUUHHNNNN!!

With that, we are fuckin firmly in October and this Autumnal season and while that may not mean fuckall for people living in certain regions of this giant landblob of a country, we all at least are here and happily enjoying the greatest season of them all: The NFL Season.

The good and bad are separating like oil and water, with the god awful teams are curdling like the Baileys Irish Cream in a carbomb.

I hope everyone's enjoying their fantastical football season and somehow making it to the end of these fucking columns from time to time.

Take care everyone, stay safe, and PLAN YOUR HALLOWEEN SHIT NOW. DON'T BE LIKE ME AND WAIT UNTIL AMAZON CAN'T SAVE YOU WITH 2-DAY DELIVERY.