New Hampshah

So what'd y'all do last Sunday? You all watch some football? Maybe dabble in a little bit of New Generation New England Futility? Perhaps renewing your membership into the fellowship of the miserable?

Yeah yeah yeah, I'll get to that Patriots malarkey later on in the column, but for now I just want to regale all of yous in New England splendor: Leafing season!

In the past, [borat voice] my wife and I have made the trip up to Quebec City and I will admit a very terribly kept secret: it's a beautiful fucking drive. Vermont is incredible. Canadia is incredible. Quebec city is incredible. Nothing like taking a couple hits of whatever vessel you need to imbibe some THC and let those colors wash over you.

So wanting to capture the amazing experience for yet another Autumn (that's right, I'm 40, I'm fucking fancy and use words like Autumn n shit), [borat voice] my wife and I put together some plans to absolute fuck off during NFL Sunday and enjoy some of southern New Hampshire.

We packed up some good shit, and got the fuck outta Bolton to enjoy the trek!

We were absolutely set for the perfect adventure through New England!

Oh no. OH NO.

We cruise our asses through Harvard, cut a little bit through Ayer, hustle on through Littleton, and 30 minutes into our travels, making our way into the You-think-you're-better-than-me Town of Groton I realize:

I forgot my fuckin phone.

I immediately remember that I left that fucker plugged into my first-floor charger while getting all of our shit together into the cooler. For a split second before sharing it with the rest of the traveling party, I considered whether it was worth turning around and wasting what amounted to 90 fuckin minutes just to get my god damn phone. And decided against it.

Why?

I didn't need no fuckin maps - when I was younger, I spent so much time traveling between Harvard and Nashua going to Headlines (a fucking great head shop, which is what we called smoke shops at the time), and then for a good 6-8 months right after college working for my dad in Tyngsboro, and for all of that time I would spend it constantly driving with a lit joint or spliff. Purposefully getting my dipshit stoner self lost, trying to figure out exactly what routes I needed to use as boundaries.

I didn't need no fucking fantasy - all I'd fucking do is get myself pissed off realizing that I was going to go 0-fer for yet another week in all of my fucking leagues. What's the point in having hope? Just accept the inevitability.

I didn't need no fucking NFL updates - the only team I really care about was probably going to get mollywhomped anyway. I mean, let's be real: Belichick is captaining a cratering ship.

So what other reason did I need that fucking anxiety machine? Fuck it. I'm free-balling directions and just going to enjoy my wife's and pup's company with no smartphone. I'm gonna Leaf like it's 1999.

One other surprise

Well.

Much like our favorite football team's performance as of late, the leaves this season are a fucking shit show. Thankfully, the tropical storm that was threatening our good time never showed itself like the coward it was - fuck you Philippe for trying to scare us away - but that didn't stop the recent asshole heatwave from completely derailing the process of trapping sugars in the leaves and allowing anthocyanins to develop and really make those fuckin colors pop.

The lack of cold weather fucked that shit up, and left us with a leafing experience where 65% of the fucking leaves are still god damn green. Those that weren't were just kinda ... well .. dead. Yellows were brown-yellow. The reds were brown-red. The oranges were brown.

However, we continued on, not because we are heroes, but because we're stubborn as fuck and neither of us will ever let nature fuck up a planned outing.

Fuck it, let's eat

Just a little tip: if you really truly need to see color, go check out some bodies of water. Those hold the secret ingredients for color changing. I'm assuming water has some sort of cooling property at this time of year, and it really helped. So after a couple attempts that had us,

• Almost trudging through someone's property, which have most likely gotten us shot since we were in New Hampshire
• Finding a park that was just a dog park .. and actually a fucking dog park that you needed a membership to (what the fuck is that bullshit??)

We found the perfect segment of a path - barely a quarter mile long - that had a singular bench overlooking a beautiful body of water:

And we had our lunch!

Apropos of nothing, the youth of today continue to confound and mystify my old ass. The only other people we really ran into on this delicious lunching path were a couple of fuckin yutes who I can only presume were smokin cheap weed, and they were both walking around in ugg slippers.

Fueled up and ready to march

After that, we decided to hit up one of the cooler New England innovations of the last decade or so: a mother. fuckin. Rail Trail.

So how the ever-loving fuck were we going to choose which to walk? So many of these fuckin awesome god damn trails have opened all over the god damn place. So many in fact, that it starts to piss me the fuck off because where the shit were all of them when I was a wee lad? Sure, back in our day those rail trails were still there but they were barely fucking maintained. They probably were all grown in and were only ever used by little shitbags like myself for walking a mile or two down to smoke our cheap fucking weed from pipes made of a 20 oz soda bottle, a tinfoil (ow, my lungs) bowl, and a straw sealed with gum (with of course, a carb because we were fancy fucking teenaged stoners).

...

OK, I guess I probably would have had fewer places to get high ruin my developing brain if we had the rail trails of today.

Wait. Is that a good thing or bad thing?

What the fuck was I talking about again?

Oh right - so while trying to figure out exactly which rail trail we should go on, and me not having my god damn fucking phone with me (AHHHHH FUCK I'M WEAK I NEEDED MY PHONE AHHHHH), we saw it:

A shining beacon of light. It beckoned us further down the road, it drove our curiosity. It was a sign. It was some object some would consider the Stonehenge of Southern New Hampshire:

Only twice a year at a specific time of day is the sun in the perfect location in the sky, shining at the perfect angle for any passersby to spot and let it guide our way.

What was this divine object? We approached and finally discovered: it was 24oz beer can - and it was a gift from the heavens that an empty beer provided us the inspiration we needed.

We decided to take on the Nashua River Rail Trail that took us from Nashua back into the Massachusetts town of Pepperell,

These shits are great. Super flat. 90% of the time they're paved. And they always have some god damn beautiful nature going on.

Or perhaps they'll have some ancient ruins like old actual rail remnants like segments of track, or a giant rail signal, occasionally there will be an old-ass brick station. In our case, we caught the decaying remains of a traditional New England soccer field,

However, most of the time you're just gifted with view after scenic view of beautiful nature. What a lusty whore that mother nature is.

In conclusion

We made the right decision to skip most of the NFL Sunday, especially when I received my first score update when we were just over halfway done with our rail trailing: Patriots losing 21-0 with 6 minutes left in the first half. Holy shit, what a fucking dumpster fire.

With our forward leafing momentum, we hopped back into our horseless carriage and enjoyed a beautiful drive back into Massawhosetts - where we were greeted by only the friendliest of locals,

As is the customary salutation (one can assume), we pulled over and delivered a pile of shit on their doorstep. Rachel was fairly confident it wasn't necessary and absolutely not a local tradition, but I insisted - especially since I had some steak wrapped in bacon and onions for lunch. It was almost fate that I was so perfectly equipped to provide such a well-crafted and steaming pile of hello.

Once we were outside of gunshot range, we basked in our experiences and celebrated with the purchasing of gourds and a couple mid-sized pumpkins, as was the fashion at the time.

All in all, it was a beautiful time traveling around Northern Massachusetts, viewing the various poop-shades of leaves and hellos.

Holy shit, he's finally done

YEAH THAT'S RIGHT BRING ON THE FUCKING FOOTBALL GAMES

NAT'L FOOBALL LEEG

Dick Butkus vs. Commies

I can't believe the script writers included this plot twist - they mother fuckin killed Dick Butkus (the GOAT sports name) in order to give the Bears a +25 motivation blessing.

Jag-you-aire vs. Bill's

I completely fuckin missed this game. Too busy prepping to go look at mother fucking green leaves in early October. The fuck, right?

I could have seen more falling yellow if I just watched this stupid fucking game,

Although, I would have seen this fucking psychopath,

PSA: Pacific Standard Time

YES. I WOULD FUCKING DO THAT. AND IT FUCKING SUCKED. EVEN ON NON-LONDON GAME WEEKENDS I WOULD HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 730-8AM HUNGOVER AS FUCK (BECAUSE I WAS STILL IN MY EARLY-MID 30s AND FELT THE NEED TO PARTY LIKE A GOD DAMN ROCK STAR) SO I COULD GET THROUGH CALLING MY PARENTS WHO LIVED THOUSANDS OF MILES AND LIKE A DOZEN TIME ZONES AWAY IN POLAND TO CATCH UP.

FUCK.

Tejans @ Bijans

THE TOUR CONTINUES

Carolina @ Loins

Packers lost.
Vikes lost.
Bears lost don't matter.

It's all you, Detroit. You rule the NFC North.

Tittans @ Lolts

The fuckin Lolts are something else. Jonathan Taylor Touchdown has come back, which means I'll be sharing that horrific photoshop more frequently in the coming weeks.

It sucks how much Tony Richardson has in common with Mr. Glass but god damn, Indy has quite the backup,

WHY DIDN'T YOU SIGN HIM, BILL? WHY??

GEEEEEEEE Men @ Lolphins

As someone who has Daniel Jones on his roster in far too many leagues, I wanted to share with you an AI generated story inspired by my relationship with Danny Dimes, which takes place in an alternate universe,

NOOOOOOO @ Leastriots

I don't even know how or where to begin with this one, so let's go with a legitimate start,

And now let us continue with my slow descent into madness,,,

Someone at worked asked how I felt about the recent Patriots performances, so instead of writing 1,000 words I sent over this photoshop,

And a comment for any potential idiots new Patriots fans this season,

It was a good run. It survived so many fucking eras, and helped secure a foundation for the NFL of today to absolutely fucking shitstomp our asses.

How much faith to fans have in the Patriots? Here's a $10 parlay a friend of mine placed that won $617 last Sunday:

Baldimore @ Steeers

Iggles @ Stl Rams

Beenglis @ Cards

I don't have fuckin anything for this one.

So enjoy this screenshot from a Mario movie outtake:

Hacketts @ Donkeys

If you saw any memes from games this weekend, this is the one you probably saw. So I'm just gonna skip this shit to bring you awareness of how awesome weed is,

Chefs @ Vikes

YOU THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH SWIFT? H*CK NO.

Although I guess she didn't want shit to do with Minnesota,

Which is kinda fucking hilarious given how much the Mayor of Minneapolis simps for her, begging for her to come,

"If Taylor chooses to come back to Minneapolis [sometimes known as Swiftieapolis] this weekend, we’ll be Ready For It. It’s possible she will have to console Travis Kelce after the Vikings beat the Chiefs, but there are plenty of great spots across town for them to go on a date and lift their spirits!"

Clearly, Frey is a certified Swiftie as the driving force behind the temporary name change earlier this summer and a connoisseur of her catalog, and he appreciates the sway she's proven to have on both ratings and related merch for the two games she's attended so far, so here's hoping he gets what he's hoping for.

Source

Yeah yeah yeah, I'm sure you're all sick of this shit, but too fuckin bad. Especially if the Swifties can use their powers for good and bring awareness to another form of grass:

C'MON SWIFTIES. LET'S GET THIS SHIT GOING.

Cowbois @ 9ers

Hmm. If I could only post a single bit of media to explain how the 49ers have been performing this 2023 season,,,

OK. There we go. I think that's perfect.

Now .. as far as Dallas. You only have one option this season,

At least they provide content!

NEW OFFICIAL "NOW HERE'S A GUY" ANNOUNCEMENT

Packers @ Raiders (or @ Pack?)

"I can fix her," uttered countless of hopeless Raiders fans.

McDaniels is such fucking trash:

• not going for it on 4th and inches
• didn't call a timeout at the end of the half when Packers were on 4th down
• has to rely on Packers drops and his Raiders defense

Just another part of Tom Brady's Hall of Fame resume in that he got Josh three fuckin head coaching jobs.

Recap time

Let's take a look at some of these fucking idiotic outcomes between stupid fucking teams, god damn it.

L (3-2) Combined Arms

W (4-1) the peristaltic chain reactions

Although it was completely and 100% expected, what a stingah of a loss for the Commish.

But what the fuck was he expecting? Peristaltic (I'm gettin real fuckin sick of typing that word out, god damn it) only needed like, 8 points to capture the win - and if there's something that Christian McCaffrey does every fucking game as a 49er, it's score a touchdown. So with the 6 guaranteed, 2 more is easy peezy.

I'd feel bad for our commissioner, but I won't. Sure, he could have started Zack Moss instead of like ... any other WR or Flex, but then this wouldn't be fantasy football.

Because fuck decisiveness.

It's all about chugging some Dude Juice and making the most insane fucking choices possible, and then waking up at 3pm on Sunday.

W (2-3) Team Golder

L (4-1) Ethel St. False Starts

When it rains it pours, and I'm not going to feel anything for a 4-win team getting their first loss. God fuckin damn, did you get caught in a shitstorm with no umbrella, Ethel St. False Starts.

10-combined points from your starting running backs. 1.6 from the flex. 0 from the tight end.

But hey, at least that asshole Miami team didn't disappoint

Who did? AARON JONES. What a fuckin asshole.

Fuckin Justin Fields for the last two weeks has been pretty god damn insane. It's like he actually did snatch the soul of Patrick Mahomes, which on one hand is good for you, but also hilarious for me since I don't think I've ever seen my wife as salty as she's been with Patrick's pretty pedestrian performances

I also still can't get over fucking Adam Thielen. The dude seemed absolutely washed last season. Did he make some sort of insane diet change?

W (3-2) Two hotdogs one bun

L (1-4) Team Name

Pretty satanic fuckin score you got there, Two hotdogs one bun. Combined with a team name like that, I think I have only one route to take,

While I'm up there, I'll probably also ask that Team Name gets absolutely no fucking help since my dipshit self also can't get a second win. There's no way I want to give up any positioning on the standings to anyone for any reason.

PS. On second thought, I'll see what I can do about Davante since his shoulder injury makes him appear human

W (2-3) SmokinJoeSpouse

L (3-2) America First

What a fuckin wild game this was. Between the many, many instances of Rachel cursing the name of Patrick Mahomes, his abilities, his family, and his lineage, the roller coaster ride that was this matchup was fucking a spectacle to observe.

Sure, both sides had players they could have played instead to secure the win, but who the fuck gives a shit about that? It came down to Sunday Night with [borat voice] My Wife starting George Kittle, and America First starting the 9ers defense and Deebo.

Before kickoff, I threw out the idea that the spouse needed three touchdowns from Kittle for a win, and wouldn't you fucking know it, he scored three fucking touchdowns.

But even with that fairly healthy lead, the fucking Cowboys were complete garbage on offense. And not just like they couldn't move the ball, it felt like every fucking possession ended on a turnover. If the game was just 2-4 minutes longer, America First would have taken it. With a lead of 7.9 points and the game going into the fourth quarter, the 9ers grabbed themselves 3 fucking turnovers.

And then that guy the Cowboys have as a backup came in for garbage time - the perfect time for America's Team to hand America First the win with a 2-point turnover. But no. Only a lone, solitary sack.

0.9 points. That's all that separated [borat voice] my wife from a loss.

And somehow, someway, a prayer was answered by the Big Dude upstairs: both teams just kinda .... gave up. The 9ers decided to do fuckin' nothing, and the Cowboys reciprocated and as the losing team, actually ran the victory surrender formation.

Both teams snapped the ball until the game just .. ended.

Fucking brutal loss by America First, in multiple leagues, all because of Mr. Kittle.

L (0-5) I went to a Harvard

W (4-1) I'm so 'Vard

I don't even know where to begin.

So I think I'll just go with paying respect with a couple of the most hilarious name changes I've witnessed this season,

I don't need to go too deep into what I'm looking at because you both know what you did.

And I spent too much time on that photoshop - I really need to get to work.

L (1-4) The Lying Media

W (3-2) Bloodfeast Islandmen

52.2 from Chase and 49.0 from Moore?

Fucking really?? You would have beaten three teams this week with just starting those two fucking players.

What the fuck.

And I'm not even all that disappointed with my showing - if anything I'm losing my mind because I can't seemingly find a Quarterback that isn't going to punch themselves in the god damn dick at every possible opportunity.

Sure, it may be a little self-serving, but I'm awarding myself

Ekiert Family Power Rankings

1. Rachel
2. Joe

Fin.

WOOO. WEEK FIVE IS DONE! Holy shit, this season is kinda cruisin along ain't it? Well, I hope everyone's having the same blast that I am.

Shit. Not just me, but also [borat voice] my wife. Despite the fact that our favorite team is playing like a literal dumpster fire and our fantasy teams are doing their best to match the performance, we are fuckin livin it up this season outside of the NFL.

Oktoberfest was fuckin rad, we made 3 out of 4 events with the potential of one more weekend in West Acton this Saturday. Leafing was underwhelming, but having an excuse to travel around New England is always fun as fuck. And of course, the streaming content has been pretty god damn fantastic with no signs of slowing after episode 1 of Loki.

Hope everyone else is enjoying the home stretch of 2023 - and with any luck, maybe some of us will run into each other (on purpose or on accident).

Take care out there, enjoy the newly arriving brisk Autumn air, and stay safe - we got a whole lotta season to go!