Happy turkey day everyone!

It was kind of a wild week at work so I ain't got shit in regards to recaps for week 11 games. But I can't let y'all walk away empty-handed, so here's my best attempt.

Ravens and Bengals or some shit

What a brutal loss for the NFL as a whole. Joe Burrow was an awesome story of a kid who literally played himself healthy.

Instead, the Culkin misses the rest of the fucking 2023 season.

Steeers @ Browns

Browns going with the Trent Dilfer/Ravens strategy with DTR. Good for them. Let's see where this goes.

Bears @ Lions

oh god i don't know

Charge @ Packers

Dramatic footage of Justin Herbert's career,

Raiders @ Dolphins

oh I dont fuckin care

Giants @ Commies

Oh hell yeah

oh my god there are so many more

christ, I still have to go through and proof-read this shit, and make sure that the writeups are actually kind of fucking funny

Canadian Football League

Congrats Canadia.

Oh wait, Browns again

Cards @ Tejans

Jets @ Bills

I ain't got shit except this thing. I think it's neato.

Hawks @ Rams

Oh my god. How many more of these are there.

I think that just means it's time for some delicious climax,

Vikes @ Broncos

God damn what the fuck is going on with Denver? It was so much fucking fun when that Broncos team sucked ass. So many hilarious fucking memes about Sean Payton coaching a team with the worst fucking defense in like, the history of the god damn league. Remember when Miami scored 70 fucking points on them?? What the fuck happened to that hilarious shit??

Now Denver is IN THE FUCKING PLAYOFF HUNT?? WHAT THE FUCK.

I hate this. It's fucking bullshit.

Eages @ Arrowhead

This might be my favorite ever tweet ever tweeted.

And of course the obligatory followup,

But as far as this game, what the fuck was that? Chiefs looked god damn near unstoppable. The defense was monstrous, shutting AJ Brown down and completely bottling up Hurts. But then it came down to the hands of a couple fucking KC receivers,

I think maybe there's simply too much oil used in KC BBQ or something. It's the only explanation. Just look at the fuckin fans, they can't secure any sort of catch either,

Yikes. OK. I think I kinda pulled it off.

Well. I think I was able to piece together maybe the weirdest week of NFL football recaps in recent memory. I may have not referenced every game, I may not have like ... any actual NFL highlights, and I may not have a third item here, but I'm satisfied with it.

Hope y'all are as well.

All right. Time to finish off this bad larry and proof-read it to make sure there are some funny parts in it.

Let's recap some fantasy nightmares

W (6-5) Sir, This is an RBs

L (5-6) SmokinJoeSpouse

Welp. SmokinJoeSpouse learned a valuable lesson:

Trying is the first step towards failure.

And if there was a second lesson: under no conditions, do you take advice from the guy in next-to-last place.

You absolutely should have gone with your original decision to fuckin bench Pooper Kupp, and then you'd have won.

Whoops. My bad.

Although, despite being let down by your husband in holy matrimony, you should be even angerier at being let down by your top draft picks in Patrick Mahomes and the aforementioned POOPER Kupp. Either of them actually live to their potentially whatsoever and you'd have won this game and several others. But unfortunately,

Sir, This is an RBs, you skated to a win by the skin of your teeth (whatever the fuck that means). I respect the excitement in the Achane Train, but it looks like maybe Jaylen just might be the better player to ride. Especially since Najee is just such a disappointing sack of shit. Seriously, Harris has looked old and slow ever since he left the womb. JAYLENS ARE THE FUTURE (shout out to Jaylen Brown).

L (6-5) America First

W (7-4) Two hotdogs one bun

Man, who would have thought that Kyler "Just one more game of COD" Murray would have the great week he did outscoring a potentially MVP candidate in Jalen. It hurts to admit that maybe that Short King is worth the franchise money that dumbass Cardinals franchise threw at him. Although I don't expect him to spend it on anything but loot crates (hey I completely understand - cosmetics are the reason I play Rocket League).

The fuck's up with Dallas Gogurt anyway? Not listed as IR'd or Doubtful or even Questionable? The dude has a fucking broken forearm.

Shit man, the Awful Everything team that constantly reminds me of poop ice cream is rockin seven wins and currently residing in third place. All he's got to really do is continue forging letters from Taylor Swift and sending them to Kelce in the hopes that it keeps his spirits and production up.

Well. That and performing whatever voodoo magic he needs to in order for Tee Higgins' hamstring to heal up. Probably a futile endeavor since hammies just never fuckin heal. Ever.

W (6-5) Bloodfeast Islandmen

L (5-6) Team Golder

Once upon a time in the land of Gridironia, where the cheers of fans echoed through the air, a unique and whimsical contest unfolded. Llamar Jackson, Joe Mixon, and DJ Moore, esteemed heroes of the football realm, faced off against their rivals Keenan Allen, Adam Thielen, and Matthew Stafford in a nerf battle of epic proportions.

In the heart of the Gridironia stadium, the heroes and villains gathered, armed not with swords or shields, but with brightly colored nerf weapons. The field, usually reserved for athletic clashes, was now the battleground for a lighthearted yet intense duel between the two teams.

Llamar Jackson, the daring quarterback, led his valiant companions with a nerf blaster in hand. Joe Mixon wielded a foam sword with finesse, ready to charge into the fray, while DJ Moore sported a nerf bow, his keen aim a force to be reckoned with.

On the opposing side stood Keenan Allen, brandishing a nerf gun with swift precision. Adam Thielen, with a foam shield for defense, strategized their approach, while Matthew Stafford took aim with his nerf bazooka, determined to outshoot his rivals.

With laughter and camaraderie amidst the competition, the heroes and villains engaged in an exhilarating nerf battle. Foam darts and projectiles flew across the field as the two teams dodged, ducked, and dashed around obstacles.

Llamar showcased his agility, darting between cover, firing foam darts with remarkable accuracy. Joe Mixon charged forward, deflecting incoming darts with his foam sword, his determined grin never faltering. DJ Moore skillfully shot foam arrows, hitting targets with precision from a distance.

The villains, equally spirited, unleashed their nerf arsenal with cunning tactics. Keenan Allen's rapid-fire shots kept the heroes on their toes, while Adam Thielen's strategic use of his foam shield protected their team. Matthew Stafford's bazooka shots caused playful chaos, sending foam rockets soaring through the air.

Amidst the spirited competition, laughter and shouts echoed across the stadium. The heroes and villains, despite their rivalry, shared moments of camaraderie, enjoying the whimsical battle that unfolded.

As the battle reached its climax, foam darts and projectiles flew in all directions, creating a colorful spectacle. In a playful yet valiant display of teamwork, Llamar, Joe, and DJ coordinated their attacks, outmaneuvering their rivals with clever strategies.

In a final, triumphant volley of foam darts, the heroes emerged victorious, their laughter echoing through the stadium. The villains, graciously accepting defeat, applauded the heroes' skill and camaraderie.

The people of Gridironia cheered, celebrating the heroes' victory in this playful and spirited nerf battle. The rivalry between the heroes and villains, although lighthearted, fostered a sense of unity and camaraderie, showcasing that even in playful competition, sportsmanship and friendship prevailed.

PS. I tried to use ChatGPT to write this recap. And boy, that fucking sucked didn't it? Never trying that one again. Holy shit, people actually think AI is the future? I fed it so much of my conent and that's the best it could come up with?

That legitimately fucking sucked. I thought I was going to have a new ghost-writer or some shit to help get these stupid things churned out.

L (7-4) Jerome Booger American Icon

W (7-4) Combined Arms

There once was a back named Derrick,
Whose running skills were quite prolific.
But one fateful day,
His powers slipped away,
And never scored again, that prick.

What the fuck. It's November. It's Tractorcito season. What a sad, sad state of affairs. Oh, I also lied about not using ChatGPT again.

Thankfully, Combined Arms had incredible showings from 21st Century Dan Marino, Tyreek "running from assault charges" Hill, and the Sun God. Huge win vs. a team who went from a possible second seed to the fourth.

Yeha. I got nothing else on this one. Sorry fellers.

L (1-10) Belchick is my Silent Partner

W (9-2) the peristaltic Chain reactions

Mr. Name Change is putting in a colossal effort in team names, and I respect that. Unfortunately, the rest of his roster does not seem to be putting in nearly as much. Although I question the sanity of anyone starting double tight ends. I don't care who you have on your roster, that's sociopath serial killer shit, right there.

Then again, I'd probably also lose my mind if I had Joe Burrow and Ekeler on my roster. Those fuckers should be churning out 40-50 points combined every week, but instead the season is Joever for one and the other has a coach who gets his game plans from the "Ask Madden" option.

Shit, that doesn't even touch on Dweeberflus, although it appears as though Justin Fields is persevering despite that Dipshit Extraordinaire.

I must admit: I find this potential Serino Dynasty somewhat troubling. Why can't we hark back to the days of Shit Sandwiches struggling to find a win in couch cushions? Instead, the family name has become synonymous with absolute fuckin dominance in the fantasy realm. One of those jerkfaces won last year, and it's tough to bet against this peristaltic chain reactions franchise.

I mean come on,

• Josh Allen
• CMC
• DK
• Montgomery
• Hodgkins
• The rest

The man has more or less gotten himself a bye-week for the first round and it doesn't look like he's going to rest his starters at all.

W (5-6) Team Name

L (2-9) The Lying Media

87.7?? ANOTHER fucking loss!?!? What the fuck. COME ON.

Man. Like. I fucking love Fantasy Football. I really, really do. Been playing for over a decade.

And I think over that time I've deluded myself into thinking, "oh shit I write fantasy football columns, I must know a lot about how to play fantasy football well!"

This is false. Very. Very false.

Ahh well, at least I'm not cursed with a roster capable of hi-octane scoring, that's able to output like Peter North in his prime, and have to stress with trying to make the playoffs. It's almost like I've entirely forgotten what it must feel like to play a meaningful game. Shit man, I can't remember the last time I checked my fantasy scores earlier than Monday morning.

While Team Name may be on the outside and needing some shit to fall his way, the team looks pretty suited to make them shits happen. The motherfucker has an awakening Davante, a Swift who something something something Brazil death, and a QB that's Purdy fucking good.

Me? Well, let me be the first to cheers all of you during this fine holiday season,

Fin.

And there we have it! Week 11 is done a mere ... 4 or so hours before Week 12 starts! I feel like I'm back in high school getting my math homework done just the period before, during CAD class. Ahh sweet, sweet nostalgia. After all, what are deadlines for if we aren't supposed to go butt-up against them?

Good luck in week 12 everyone, and most importantly: Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving! Today the wife and I travel to her sister's place to celebrate. Tomorrow, I drag the wife to my parents (mostly willingly). I'm pretty fuckin pumped that I get a double-dose of fresh Turkey over the next two days - and with the Black Friday Game, it'll make Thanksgiving Pt. II even more authentic!

I'm extra hopeful that this column gives all you fuckers a little laugh, and possibly a reason to take an extra couple minutes in the bathroom when you eventually need to escape away for a break from the holiday maelstrom.

Just remember: the Holidays are just beginning. Tomorrow marks the official start of Christmas music entering society. Christmas Trees will start showing up on top of everyone's cars. And folks like myself will be excitedly putting off holiday shopping until December 20th.

Ahhh. I love this season.

Take care everyone. Please travel safe and binge responsibly. Love y'all.