Folks, when you're right 52% of the time you're wrong 48% of the time

Let's talk football.

But first, time to get into the mood:

Rainy City Bitch Pigeons @ Cards

What in the doodoo-batter-splatter were those Cardinals Jerseys?

Now, I consider myself a huge fan of a nice clean jersey, and those fuckers weren't clean whatsoever - by design.

Endzones were pretty great, though.

..oh right.. And there was a game played, which I didn't really give a shit about. Congrats to the Seafuckers.

Yikings @ Ireland Stillers

Haven't seen Vikings repelled by the Emerald Isle since the Battle of Clontarf in 1014.

Commodes @ Failcons

Hahahhaa, fucking Washington. It's going to take fucking years to wash the Snyder Stink off your franchise.

On the other hand, what in the cinnamon toast fuck is up with Atlanta? The rollercoaster of emotions this team gives fans has been driving my coworkers out of their minds.

Aints @ Bill's

I don't really fuckin care. Bills are good. New Orleans, ain't.

GPODAWUND @ Lions

Ooo...k...... welp. Over the years, the Elite Joe Flacco has cooked his way to a Super Bowl. But right now, he's fuckin COOKED. He done. Stick a fork in him. Just bring in Shadeur so I can have the absolutely fucking worst takes about him.

Pound Kitties @ Greatriots

While I've never met a man who made me question my own sexuality, Drake Maye.

Charge @ GEEEEEE-Men

Good to see the Chargers are back.

Iggles @ Buccos

It didn't seem like this was going to be competitive whatsoever, and then Philly just kept fucking up and Baker went Touchdown Maker.

Thankfully for those Brotherly Lovers, Philly secured a win after snatching a late-game turnover.

Best way I've seen this game described by an Eagles fan:

First half: Da Vinci-level masterpiece

Second half: Smearing shit on a truck stop bathroom wall

Tittans @ Tejans

Titans fucking suck. They have to be fucking Fantasy Football poison, even Tony Pollard. How does a team not score a single point??

Lolts @ Charge - no wait Rams

Aka, Indiana Jones and the Touchback of Doom

Wish I had more to offer on this one, but not sure how to discuss a game that I literally watched no footage of. I guess uhhh, Stafford is old, but he can still sling it, like an Alec Baldwin or Robert DeNiro who for some reason won't stop having kids despite their fuckin old nasty ages. Just chill out you guys, we get it. You have sex. Congrats.

God Hates Jags @ 49IRs

What the fuck, the Jags are 3-1? Holy shit. Tied with the Incredible Colts who looked remarkably human on Sunday (right?). I guess I shouldn't be surprised - although I don't think I've seen a single iota of Jaguars football yet this season, but from what I've read they have a fuckin great defense. Something like 14 takeaways in the last 3 games which is fucking nuts.

Now. As far as SF? What's been going on there..?

Raves @ Chefs

To say that this is a down year for the Ravens is truly underselling how fucking bad they've been performing this season. Since I have to base most everything I know about the NFL via the snapshots provided by Fantasy Football stats - it would appear that Llamar Jackson and Derrick Henry are both going to be forced into retirement by week 7; The Baltimore defense is being punished and has only been able to field 9 players on defense for the first 6 games; Mark Andrews was so traumatized from the postseason fuckups last season that he will never play at a high level again.

Brrs @ Rrrrraidrrrrrs

Are ... are the Bears, good? I really should catch these motherfuckers on TV because it seems like they could be a really fun team to watch with the new head coach, Caleb "fruity painted nails" Williams, and some fairly decent offensive weapons.

Or the teams they've been playing have been dogshit. Like the Raiders. Fucking wild to think that they'd be such a laughting-stock, but the more I think about it, I think the Raiders have been 8 lbs of shit stuffed into a broken ziploc bag for maybe .. over half of my lifetime? How could the franchise who drafted a drunken kicker in the first round have fallen so much?

Pack @ Boys

This is quite the, What the fuck is up with ______? week. The fuck, Packers??

Honestly. How the fuck does a primetime Sunday Night game end in a 40-40 tie?? I'm not totally against the concept of a tie, but if you're the only game, and both teams have scored more than 17 points, then keep that shit going until someone fucking wins. If it's a 6-6 game, then just give fans mercy and slap a tie on that abomination.

But 40-40?? That's a fuckin shoot-out. Keep those players playing until someone finally gets a score. Fuck player safety, no one believes in that bullshit anymore. GIVE ME A SATISFYING END. I DON'T EVEN NEED EYE CONTACT OR A HAPPY ENDING - JUST SATISFACTION.

Jest @ Lolphins

Tyreek with literally only a single leg is a better football player than human. I don't want to say I ever root for injuries but.

And while the Jets lost, I think there was some really fucking great takeaways for those NYJ fans,

Now if the head coach would stop pissing away games by trying to pass the ball. Just fucking run that shit.

Bungles @ Donkeys

What the fuck? A second Monday Night game? Is this because the NY/MIA matchup was supposed to be that fucking awful?

At least the first MNF game was kinda close so it stayed interesting, this game was fucking over before the NYJ/MIA game was even over. Holy fuck the Bungles are so fucking bad - and we have them in like, five or six more primetime games. INCLUDING A THANKSGIVING GAME. I do not want to fucking watch anymore Cincy football. That shit is fucking horrific for your health.

..Moving on..

Week 4 is in the books. We are knuckle-deep into Fall. Leaves are changing colors. Mornings are brisk, baby! September is over, so wake the fuck up,

October is next up, along with week 5 and the first set of byes. Now that I'm fuckin old, the upcoming Halloween holiday carries a completely new meaning. Instead of being excited for probably the most boob-o-riffic holiday of the season, I'm excited to get my own child dressed up in a costume. Hopefully this is the year I actually put some thought into my own costume and don't just throw on a toolbelt and go as Bob the Builder (who I've been told, is an actual thing).

Although, I have to admit that any costume that includes a tool belt is fucking prime for walking around in one of those Trick-or-Treat groups where the adults are pounding beers and the kids are scrambling from house to house. The belt I have can literally fit an entire 4-pack of 18oz cans, with plenty of room to spare for empties, coozies, and excess candy.

So what was I talking about? I can't even fucking remember, let's just move on to the fucking reacaps.

LET'S RECAP SOME HORSESHIT

W (2-2) My Guys
L (2-2) TreVeyon My Wayward Son

Wait. How late of a sub was Marcus Mariota where ESPN fantasy projections had him at 0.0 points?? The fuck is this scotch-taped-together platform? ..oh well, who the fuck cares because WHAT THE FUCK ASHTON JEANTY AND PUKA NACUA??

Absolute fuckin heartbreak for TreVeyon My Wayward Son leaving a win on the bench because who doesn't fuckin start McConkey over the Doubs?

I mean come on, Doubs? The kind of horseshit athlete name is that? Romeo Doubs at that. There's just no way you can put your faith into shit like that.

L (3-1) Ready, Willing, and Vrabel
W (2-2) Two hotdogs one bun

Welp. The undefeated season is over for Ready, Willing, and Vrabel. All because he did what literally anyone and everyone would fucking do: Start Caleb Williams over Patrick Mahomes. Little did we know that the "Chiefs are fuckin done" Bandwagon was actually the god damn fucking Ravens in disguise!

What the ever-loving shit is this Ravens team? Yeah, I don't care that no one on either roster has a Ravens player, it's my column and that's what I'm going to bitch and moan about right now. Llamar is fucking hurt. Tractorcito is a shit-sandwich (not to be mistaken an elite Shit Sandwich of the electric avenue variety). And that defense can't stop anything like a burlap sack trying to contain 10 lbs of liquid diarrhea.

Anyway, what was I talking about again?

Oh right, stay outta my booze.

L (1-3) Doug Flutonian
W (3-1) The Lying Media's Better Half

Congrats to [borat voice] my wife! We went apple picking Sunday morning and had a pretty great time, however throughout the whole event, the love of my life was living and dying on every god damn possession during that Ireland game. Kenneth Gainwell: you tried your fucking best to ruin our completely stereotypical New England activity, but guess what? Instead, I forced us to hang around until 11am when the place was allowed to start selling beer and I grabbed myself a local IPA - and shit was great.

Except the fuckin cider donuts they sold us were not quality. An absolute insult. Them shits were not warm. Them shits were not soft. Them shits were not fucking. fresh.

Anyway, Ja'Marr Chase sucks now. And so does Higgins as well. I know I fucked myself depending on Joe Burrow (RIP), but at least I can move on from the deceased QB, Doug Flutonian, you're fucking stuck with two elite receivers who can't catch a god damn cold.

L (1-3) CMCR1P1
W (3-1) Shough it Dude, Let's go Bowling

Oh shit, another 3-loss team! You might think you're down on your luck, but can you make the claim that you didn't even top 85 points? I think not!

..speaking of toasted QBs, Shough It Dude Let's Go Bowling .. you might be outright fucked if Llamar misses any extended time. I see that your bench is loaded with a bunch of fake names that I swear I've used when signing up for free internet on a flight:

• Jauan Jennings
• Bhayshul Tuten
• Blake Corum
• Luther Burden III
• Mike Ditka

Fuckin wild. I don't know any of these people anymore.

L (1-3) Slava I Crain
W (2-2) Gibbs and Take

The have-nots are fuckin plentiful. But after scoring 120+, you are not their King Slava I Crain. Although I do wish you luck in playing the guessing game between Justice Hill and Derrick Henry. There's no way that kind of scoring discrepancy happens again, right? RIGHT??

Oh, and Gibbs and Take.. the fuck. Your bench almost outscored my starting lineup. I really didn't need that hit the pride. I could have gone without seeing that god damn result. You're so fuckin close to getting on my shitlist,

W (3-1) darnold's pizza kitchen
L (1-3) The Lying Media

If having 3 losses is cool, then you can call me Miles Davis.

I am fucking trash at Fantasy Football holy shit. Over the last 2 seasons and change, I have 24 fucking losses. Thank fucking God the original Meet At Dan's was lost in time, because I'm fairly sure I average 10 or more losses per season.

I can not stress enough how much shit I suck through a straw, when it comes to Fantasy Fucking Football. I swear to God I only partake in this shit to do two things:

Get wins and shit on everyone else.
..And I ain't winning any fucking games.

Perhaps my grandest tradition is bitching and moaning about how consistently I throw games away.

I MEAN I DIDN'T EVEN SCORE 85 FUCKING POINTS. PLAYERS GET LIKE, 3 POINTS PER RECEPTION AND 5 POINTS PER RUSH BEFORE ANY YARDS ARE EVEN CALCULATED. I SWEAR TO GOD THAT QUARTERBACKS GET 1 POINT PER DROPBACK STEP, AND YET I STILL CAN'T TOP 100 FUCKING POINTS.

I HAVE THE LEAST AMOUNT OF POINTS SCORED IN THIS LEAGUE AT FEWER THAN 400. AND I'M GIVING UP THE SECON DHIGHEST POINTS PER GAME AT 527.

AND NOW MALIK NABERS IS FUCKING DEAD AFTER LOSING JOE BURROW AND AARON JONES SR.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Anyway, good game by darnold's pizza kitchen.

Fin.

Welp. That's all he/she wrote, my dudes and dudettes. Good luck dealing with our first bye week, and enjoy the last few months of 2025. Just think, right around the corner is another year of potential, of adventure, of opportunities to finally make something of yourself.

Or if you're like me, another year of calcifying yourself in your ways!

Anyway, I shouldn't get too ahead of myself. Enjoy the waning season of Oktoberfest events, get that flannel out of the closet, and snort a line of pumpkin spice. Because it's October, it's fuckin Autumn, and if you don't live in a region that gets to enjoy it, well.. I guess this sentiment is meaningless.

What isn't, is that I hope y'all enjoy the rest of the MLB postseason. Well. Unless you're a fan of the Yankees, in which case I hope you suffer a brutal loss tonight and have nightmares of Trevor Story, Garrett Crochet, and Connelly Early until pitchers and catchers report.

Take care, love you all!