Vikes @ LAClippers

We begin our recap between the battle for that one chick fan who seems kinda cool,

Yeah, that's the one!

What started with so much promise, actually never started at all because this game in all reality could have been dressed in a colonial rayadillo uniform - that's right, pure seersucker.

While we had to struggle through another awful awful awful trip on down to Wentzylvania that Thursday Night, no one hated it more than announcer Kirk Herbstreieieit who cares more about the well being of his dogs than actual human being Carson Wentz.

The fuck was that comment about not showing emotion if you want to be a true alpha? Carson Wentz literally has nothing holding his shoulder together other than a couple feathers from the ducks he most recently massacred on a hunting trip.

Atlanta Flailcons

We move to the first Sunday in a long long while where we were spared the absolute horseshit that is European game so instead we got a slate of absolute horse vomit.

Leading off would be the chunks of miami tuna and atlanta chick fil aww shit.

Despite barely seeing above or to the right of his offensive line,

[Tua's swollen eye]

Tua HisrunasastartingQBmaynotbeova did as they do in Miami and blasted dline after dline rush to toss 4 fuckin touchdowns.

This mother fucking Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde team scares the shit out of me, and of course the Patriots are going to be seeing the Falcons coming off a loss next weekend. Fuck me.

The Mangold Game

Next up was the highly emotional rollercoaster of a game between the Jets and Bengals.

After dealing with a full week of being thrown under the bus and repeatedly driven over by Jets' owner Boner Penis, Justin Fields put on a very respectable performance that not only included actual completions but a whole tiddie toss.

Just when the Bengals and Old man Joe Flacco finally thought they were going to build on their one-game win streak, the Jets came absolutely roaring back complete with mathemagician moves going for the 2-point conversion late in the 4th quarter.

The Cincinnati defense is absolutely abhorrent - they gave up 39 points to a Jets offense that hadn't scored a touchdown in two fucking games. Of course, Bungle fans are used to this hell their fandom lives in.

As an aside, rest in peace Nick Mangold. You were a fucking beast, and you were fucking cursed with a kidney disease that would ultimately take your life. You were a great family man, and a friend to many.

[rex ryan thing]

"He's probably the best. He's probably the best center, I believe," Wilfork said on Thursday. "I've been saying this ever since the guy's been a rookie. He's been pretty steady for them. And it hasn't changed."

• Vince Wilfork source

Greatriots March Onward

We continue on to Foxboro, the home of the greatest fahken NFL franchise evah.

The Browns came into town hoping to give Drake Maye the toughest test of his young NFL career with their vaunted and brutal defense.

And while Myles Garrett went Kendrick Lamar on our poor boy Drake, he ultimately Maye be the last one laughing as he Charged Up and threw Back to Back (to Back) touchdowns as he shat all over the Meek Browns.

Again, I ask this every week: how the fuck did this team lose to the god damn Raiders? I don't care if New England didn't have Gonzo - that team sucks shit, and this team frankly does not.

SkattebooOOOH MY GOD

Let's go on down to Philly where the Eagles were wearing their seemingly invincible Kelly Green jerseys (5-0 when they sport the uni), playing beautiful football in that one-bridge-having piece of shit city that no one gives a fuck about,

The Eagles played near-perfect football as the Quadfather finally broke out for a great game, Jalen Hurts playing like the difficulty is set on Rookie with literally every fourth pass being a touchdown, and AJ Brown hilariously acting like a fucking internet troll.

WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM? YOU GOT TWO TOUCHDOWNS AND 100+ YARDS LAST WEEK. WHAT IN THE LOVE OF GOD DO YOU NEED MORE TO JUSTIFY YOUR TIME ON THE EAGLES? YOU WON A FUCKING SUPER BOWL WITH THEM.

However, if he wants to come to the Patriots, I will personally pick him up at the airport and give him a welcome hj.

I also have to give props to the refs, incredible game by them. Great rulings.

PS. Holy fucking shit Cam Skattebo. Feet aren't supposed to point in that direction.

Any Given Sunday

Let's travel on down to Charlotte and ... wait..

• Panthers beat Falcons 30-0
• Falcons beat Bills 24-14
• Bills beat Panthers 40-9

This fuckin league, I swear to God.

Anyway, back to the game - in a growing trend, we saw yet another old man at Quarterback, but in this case the Red Rifle in Andy Dalton not just misfired, but backfired into his own fucking face and it resulted in complete fucking disaster for the Panthers.

For the first time in a couple years, the AFC BEast is back.

Monsters of the Mid

So the Ravens will have to deal with some shit because of the way they reported Llamar's participation in practice, which is going to be fucking hilarious with all the recent events regarding the NBA - but the Bears... holy fuck.

The end of the game was a complete Ben Johnson disasterclass. Caleb is incredible at making the simple look impossible.

I need a takeaway from this game

Down to Houston we go where I am completely fucking clueless when it comes to judging whether the Texans are good, or the 49IRs are just fuckin bad.

What I definitely do not know is how the fuck San Francisco continues to be one of the most injury-ridden teams every single fucking season. They must have built that new stadium on not just an old Native American burial ground, but also probably shipped in bodies from every major religion to throw in there as well for good measure.

Good luck with the Meadowlands next weekend - they will not be able to field a 53-man roster after that matchup.

The Aints aint good football

Bourbon Street is next where the jovial many and sober few couldn't possibly have enjoyed their home team play whatsoever. Holy shit, the Saints are so fucking bad.

The future ain't right

Much like in Philadelphia, there was another incredible showing by the refs on Sunday - in the spirit of the season, there were phantom whistles heard throughout the Superdome.

The Simpsons Curse Lives On

How 'bout those Cowboys??

Since Homer Simpson was gifted the Denver Broncos by Hank Scorpio on > November 3rd, 1996 they have:

Gone 261-207 (.558) in the regular season

Gone 14-10 (.583) in the playoffs

Won their division 8 times, and lead the division for a would be 9th

Won the Super Bowl 3 times, Won the AFC 4 times

Had the greatest QB season in NFL history in 2013

Never lost to the Dallas Cowboys, Homer’s original ownership choice. (8-0 > since Week 10 of 1996).

Homer Simpson is a top 10 NFL owner ever

• Source

Turns out, Marge knows ball.

Oh my god, Titans vs. Colts?

Let's head up to Mark Sanchez's personal boxing ring, Indianapolis where after 8 very, very long games, the Titans have finally eclipsed 100 points on the season.

Incredible that such a poor quality team with such poor quality ownership decided to move on from their poor quality coach for somehow an even worse replacement. Mike McCoy is a loser playing loserball.

Now, them Colts are doing some incredible things. Indianiel Jones and Jonathan Touchdown are blazing an incredible path towards their traditional loss to the Patriots in the AFC Championship game. I simply can not wait.

Old man yells at Love

As Sunday Night rolled around, it was time to head up to ... or down to.. or east to.. Fuck man, for the longest time I couldn't tell where the fuck this game took place because everything and everyone was god damn fucking yellow.

Either dickhead fromunda cheese heads to the absolutely fucking garbage Mutant League Footballesque Steelers throwbacks,

The only time I was finally able to place the location was with the Mr. Rogers reference. As a big time Neighborhead, I knew that it originally was founded and filmed in Pittsburgh.

But yeah anyway, fucking Green Bay Packers. Are they seriously going to god damn luck into another fucking hall of fame QB? Fuck outta here.

Åssholes at Arrowhead

Still actually watching this Middling Midwest showdown of teams struggling to rekindle last season's magic.

The Commies have career backup Marcus "Not at all Super" Mariota completely throwing away any chance at leaving Kansas with a win while Mahomes sucked absolute asshole through the first two quarters with zero help from Mr. Swift's bumbling hands.

The second half yadda yadda yadda, Rashee Rice is a scumbag blah blah blah. Chiefs are still not in the playoff picture so fuck them.

Recapulations

Welp fellas, it's that time again! The day after the first game of the next week has started!

W (3-5) CMCR1P1
L (3-5) Doug Flutonian

YO WHAT THE FUCK, CMCR1P1 YOU OUTSCORED BOTH ME AND MY OPPONENT COMBINED BY LIKE 20 FUCKING POINTS.

And that's with Dalton Kinchiv contributing next to fucking nothing. What a god damn offensive hole you have at Tight End - but I get it, not everyone can have studs like Kelce or Kraft in their Compacted Ass position.

Actually, speaking of bullshit, what the fuck who even is this Kimani Vidal guy? How do people get these fucking players?

Do I seriously have to spend my own waiver wire budget in a timely fucking manner?? Who fucking has that kind of foresight and time? Jesus Christ, god damn fucking nerds.

Speaking of Jesus Christ, even he can't save Dough Flutonian's chances at salvation.

Tee "Hee" Higgins couldn't Gainwell and was left to Chase a Dicker.

..or uhh something of that sort.

L (2-6) Slava I Crain
W (6-2) Ready, Willing, and Vrabel

I'm currently writing this shit at 13:10 left in the 4th quarter and it's 102.38 to 103.54 - how the fuck is it this close?? Ready, Willing, and Vrabel has three fucking offensive positions going for the Chiefs.

Oh wait, nevermind. It literally just went to 102.38 to 108.04 haha what the fuck.

That absolutely blew balls for Slava I Crain - not in a good way, more that way when you sit down and you blow one of your testicles into your stomach. You know what I mean?

Just had a play with Mahomes passing to Rice for a first down, and then Pacheco running for another - what the fuck, I'm just going to pause this until the game's over.

Welp, there we go - 102.38 to 130.96 that's fucking better .. well, kinda. I guess it was a nice moment there when it was competitive but of course, Jacory Croskey-Merritt sucks asshole now. Sure, he wasn't going to score 30+ points, but holy shit the guy is absolutely shook after those couple of fumbles he had two or three weeks ago. Fuck that guy, now.

W (6-2) Shough It Dude Let's Go Boweling
L (4-4) darnold's pizza kitchen

You know, I had no fucking clue how to even pronounce Shough until just Tuesday morning, and I have to admit that I fucking hate it. The fuck, it should be like "though" or at least "through" but no, it's fuckin "Shucc" - although it does make the team name make a lot more sense now.

So officially, I actually get all the joke fantasy names now. It only took me eight weeks, but I got there.

Anyway, this fuckin Shucc It Dude Let's Go Bowling guy won't stop fucking scoring points. He has 140+ more points than second place, and that's fucking insane and there's just no way he's going to be caught.

[JOE: ..oh come the fuck on, while learning this I just saw that I have the least amount scored. Fuck me in the face. God damn it, I didn't need to catch a fucking stray while writing this particular recap.]

This Motherfougher has James Cook and Jonathan Taylor? And RJ Harvey on the fucking bench?? Fucking stupid.

darnold's pizza kitchen didn't have the worst weekend, but he was completely let down by Bijan al-Gaib - probably drank too much of that blue poison bullshit. But I'll say, at least his Woody showed up. I repeatedly shit all over Marks, but I guess thanks to my most recent enema, I won't be shitting on Woody anymore.

L (5-3) Olave it Hurts
W (4-4) My Guys

Welp. You guys ever hear of the Butterfly effect? I think it goes, if a bear shits in the woods, does it use a butterfly to wipe its asshole, and if it does the flapping wings cause a tsunami in Thailand and Tom Holland to almost lose his parents.

Now, you all may be wondering: what the fuck does that have to do with this matchup? Well, before the first waiver event thingy of week 8, my darling wife told me that I really need to pick up a Quarterback because mine was on BYE - and she suggested the one with the greatest first name in sports, so what did I do?

I put in a waiver claim on Joe Flacco .. for like $3.

You should have heard the absolute disbelief the following morning when waivers cleared and shockingly, $3 wasn't enough.

• "You have your entire fuckin budget and you put in a claim for just $3 on a Quarterback that you need."
• "No wonder you're absolutely fucking trash at this."
• "You have scored the least amount of points, and seem 100% dedicated to remain in last place with scoring."

You could say Olave it Hurts to hear because of the honest and brutal truth of the matter than apparently, I treat the waiver wire like my own mental health - completely disregarded and ignored.

And that brings me to the next part of this saga: My Guys was the bastard man who picked up Mr Flacco, and you could say, he was a huge part of why Olave it Hurts this week.

Whoopsie!

Of course, there are many reasons for this, and I'd say another reason was how certain I was that Rachaad White for Michael Pittman Jr. was a great deal of a trade! Pittman Jr. spent a decent amount of time on the bench and of course the Colts offense was going to come crashing down - so I felt like my bit of trade advice would help in ensuring Olave it Hurts had a solid handcuff for Bucky Irving since he was injured.

WELP, so far not that great. Rachaad did worse than a running back whose ankle now makes better points than me.

Better luck next week, sweetheart! I hope you learned something valuable from our Fantasy Football talks, because I sure never do.

L (3-5) Two hotdogs one bun
W (4-4) TreVeyon My Wayward Sun

OK, not sure if you're all still with me after that very long-winded recap of my best impression of a Mike McCoy coaching job to help out my wife, but here we are with a matchup that kinda ended .. well .. before the weekend even began because Two hotdogs one bun got absolutely wafflestomped from the BYE week, and I guess his own decision making.

And a dabble of the Jets.

Missed the chance to put in the Jets kicker in Nick Folk story and lost out on 12.0 points, but he did remember to put in the Jets D/ST, which lost him 3.0 points. Oof.

However, if I were Two hotdogs one bun, I'd place the blame squarely on Christian McCaffrey's beautifully chiseled jaw. How fuckin dare him not even top 10 points?

That said, all the blame and non-Jets-failures ain't gonna get the 45 fucking points needed to catch up to TreVeyon My Wayward Son's pretty pretty pretty preeetty dang good fucking weekend.

• Josh Allen: stud.
• Ladd McConkey: stud.
• Chase "Sarah" McLaughlin: arms of an angel.
• Zay Flowers: present.
• Justin Jefferson: well.. disappointing, but not awful.

W (4-4) The Lying Media
L (4-4) Gibbs and Take

Where have I see two rosters of this two magnitude before? Hmmm.. 🤔

AWW YEAH BABEY, GUESS WHO'S BACK AT .500?

The Wildcat Offense prevailed! Although, I definitely didn't deserve this win - it only happened thanks to more luck than brains.

Let this be a lesson to the rest of you: if your IR player becomes active, you have to make sure you get him out of that stupid fucking IR spot before their team plays - otherwise you're fucking stuck for the rest of the god damn fucking week without being able to add anyone to your roster.

tl;dr - don't be a fucking dipshit and stay on top of your roster.

Fin.

Welp folks, the longest, most rambly of all my rambles, and it's all finally fucking done. I hope y'all enjoy what you can from it, although I swear it's more messed up than the wild creations that they came up with for John Carpenter's The Thing.

And of course here we are, it's Halloween! I hope you enjoy the end of your Spooktober, because once we roll over into November, shit's gonna get realy wild real fast. The seasons are a changin' and the holidays are fast approaching.

So have a safe trick-or-treat if your kids are into that sort of thing, and may god have mercy on your souls if they've aged out and use this time of year to get wasted (ahhh, so many blurry memories).

Take care out there, love y'all and see you at this same time and channel next week!