Preamble

It's come to my attention that people have found some discrepancies in a number of comments I've made in my past. Specifically, my rather mild opinion of, "fuck cheese."

Many of you may have called into question the integrity of my entire column history given the contradiction of my aforementioned statement along with last week's Fast Food segment in which I consume, and fairly enjoy, two burgers who contain cheese or cheese-like material.

Yeah so like, I think the first significant mistake that was made here was anyone assuming there is any sort of integrity that goes into the writing of this shite. The second is anyone thinking that I would ever yield in my opinion that cheese is the worst fucking innovation man has ever produced.

Shit man, cheese was nothing but a fucking mistake. It was a mistake that some asshole stubbornly leaned into and instead of humanity moving on from amorphous titty-milk curds, the dude survived the constant peeing from his butthole until it was popular enough that assholes everywhere starting putting it on all the god damn food they ever made.

Thirdly, and lastly: cheese is doodoo.

CHECK. MATE.

IN YOUR FACE, DAIRY LOBBY.

ENN EFF ELLLLLLLLL

Giants @ 9ers

Man. Fuck Danny Dipshit.

Dude is a absolute dumpster fire of a quarterback, I can't believe the Giants actually gave him that giant extension.

All that said, I think the fuckface Giants may have uncovered the secret to defeating the 49ers:

Tittans @ Borons

I'm struggling to find this guy on the waiver wire damn it

And now let's take a look at sexual offender, Deshaun "I'm a fucking scumbag shithead" Watson and perhaps the worst fucking play you'll see this decade,

All his other bullshittery aside, this is exactly what I'd probably do if I ever woke up and found myself under center in a real NFL game. I'd be in a rush to end the play, get benched, and check my bank account to see how much I actually get via the league minimum salary.

Speaking of bullshittery - how can a ref be this fucking bad?

PS. Ryan Tanneyhill fuckin blows

Falcons @ Detroit

Holy shit, Bijan rules so much. Dude plays angrier then those hornets I keep running over with my lawnmower.

PS. WHY WON'T THOSE FUCKING HORNETS JUST FUCKING DIE.

Nawlins @ Packpackpack

This was a game, but it didn't involve Taylor Swift or Colorado/Deion Sanders so I don't really care outside of the upcoming incredible drama that's about to be played out in determining the future starting Quarterback,

Denver is MIA

First of all, I lost so much fucking money betting on,

Number of Patriots fans that Dolphins fans will kill today: OVER 0.5 (-120)

But gambling addiction aside, this is a complicated one to go over,

As you all hopefully know: on one hand I fucking hate the Dolphins. And then on the other hand, I fucking hate the Broncos.

I'm frankly not really sure which I hate more - yes I realize one is a divisional foe who have embarrassed the Patriots during the Brady/Belichick era.. Who defeated the Patriots in Miami for decades during games in August/September.

But the fucking Broncos .. that god damn piece of shit Shannon "THKIP THKIP" Sharpe calling the National Guard and that horse-faced John Elway literally never losing to New England during his career. Jake "the snake" Plummer and that non-Hall-of-Famer Champ Bailey.

God damn it was oh, so, sweet to watch the enemy of my enemy be less of my enemy but absolutely pushing the shit in of that other enemy.

As horrifying as it is to be in the AFC BEast, it's tough not to credit this particular domestic abuser as extremely fucking good at football:

This game was a terrifying warning.

LAClippers @ Minnesotr

But I know that Keenan Allen owners were probably pretty excited after this game.

However, owners of Mike Williams (like myself) are coping the only way we know how,

I hate this fucking league and/or hobby

Past @ Jest

I'm fuckin pumped. The Greatriots have straightened themselves out and are headed in the right direction now that they've righted their ship with a win against the Zach Wilson-led Jets.

Holy fuck. What a dumpster fire of a god damn game.

I can't express how fucking much I fucking hate watching anything that JuJu Schuster does on the field. Either he completely whiffs on receptions or he leads to penalties that absolute break the back of the Patriots.

I mean thank fucking God the Greatriots could rely on one of their most prolific  ad generous opponents,

But the fact that despite Zach Wilson checked down on a fourth down pass to turn the ball over still was a buttery-handed cobb away from the craziest hail mary upset is absolutely fucking soul crushing.

..at least we don't have to deal with that Mr. INT Indicted in JC Jackson.. PHEW!

Bill's @ Commies

Good fuckin God.

Also, that last second field goal to prevent the shutout was perhaps the most pathetic offensive play for the entirety of week 3. And that included:

• team that lost 70-20
• daniel jones shitting pants
• dallas getting stomped by cardinals
• zach wilson
• daa bears

Oh wait. I think it's second place to that microwaved-brain backwards pass by Deshaun.

Texans Jaggin' off

Oh thank goodness, it's not like I have one or more Jag players on every single fucking fantasy team I run. What the fuck. The Texans?? How?? WHY??

FUCK

Colts @ Baldimore

Minshew Mania is BACK ON THE MENU, BOYS.

And ... Justin Tucker is washed?? What the fuck did I god damn watch!?

How do Ravens fans survive entire seasons of this shit?

Panthers @ Seahawks

I can't believe this was one of the three afternoon games, WHICH ACTUALLY:

Having 9 fucking games in the early slot and then only fucking three games in the afternoon is such a fucking bunch of diseased rat shit.

PS. FALSE START, NUMBER 79

Bears @ Chefs

Much like Mahomes, the excitement I had for this game was palpable,

So while we already had one complete shit-pumping of a matchup result between Miami and Denver, I was so excited to get one that would actually matter in the afternoon! Sure, the Dolphins and Broncos are actual, true-to-life NFL teams, but neither of them had T-Swizzle in attendance.

Oh wait - did you not know that the One True Kween herself was in attendance??

Well, much like any other Legitimate News Organization out there on the Internet, I'm obviously here to report on what the people want to know. And we all want to know how Travis brought up his boxscore to the mighty Tay-tay after the game,

As for the Bears. I don't know what the fuck they should do at this point. The wide receivers are all god damn peckerheads. Justin Fields kinda fuckin sucks (still). They might as well just run the table and go 0-17, and then fucking blow the draft like they did when they drafted Mitch over Mahomes.

This Is Our Year @ Arizona

For a week 3 that offered so much fucking embarrassment, the Cowboys really went out and strove for excellence.

Sure, this isn't anything new for America's Team, and we've all been there witnessing the brutal cycle for decades:

But I have to hand it to McCarthy, Dak, and Jerruh, this is all really, really, funny. Perhaps I was wrong with how Arizona wants to handle this season. I thought they were there to tank for Caleb Williams, but perhaps I was wrong (again).

Either way, with the Cowboys losing like, a quarter-dozen linemen last week, their superdupermega all-pro corner back in practice (fuckin BRUTAL), and being coached by perhaps the fattest human thumb in history, I don't really know what they could possibly do to fix things,,,

Fuck.

Oh wait, here's one more

fuckin broncos lmao this franchise used to be a consistency of excellence

Steelers @ Raiders

Jesus fucking Christ, Jimmy GQ is as bad as he is striking. Every time I went from the main tv, to the phone when walking the dog, then to the bedroom tv getting under the sheets, I swear Jimmy would throw another back-breaking interception.

I almost feel bad for Raiders fans dealing with this dipshit head coach, McDaniels. This is his fucking third attempt (I count him ghosting the Colts as a Head Coach attempt because it's just too fucking hilarious not to) and it's the same dumbass stuff.

In a way, I'm fucking psyched that he's finally been swept away from the Greatriots because I would lose my mother fucking mind if he ended up as the successor to Bill.

HE GAVE UP A FIELD GOAL AND 90 SECONDS OF PLAY AT THE END OF THE GAME TO GO 3-AND-OUT TO JUST KICK ANOTHER FIELD GOAL. He ultimately wasted 90 seconds of valuable gameplay for nothing. HE WAS DOWN 8 FUCKING POINTS.

ELGSES @ Buccos

So I sat through this whole game, and was really confused at the entire nationwide infatuation with the Kelce/Swift pairing.

Sure, they're incredibly talented and work insanely well together, but I didn't think it warranted so much hype and hate.

LARs @ Bungles

Yeah, I ain't got much else. This game was fucking awful.

LET'S GET READY TO MAMBO

L - 133.28 (2-1) Two hotdogs one bun

W - 190.76 (2-1) Hardwood Floor Air Force

WOULD YOU STOP FUCKING CHANGING THESE GOD DAMN NAMES GOD DAMN.

..I mean, you're not really screwing up my notes or anything, but COME ON YOU JUST MADE A CHANGE. LET ME GET THIS STUPID IDIOT COLUMN OUT.

OK. With that done, I'll have to go ahead and just comment on the stupid fucking 190+ point total:

The fuck you trying to do, Mr. Commissioner? Just scare the fuck out of the rest of us?? I mean, we all paid too much money to just walk away. Who do you think you are, huh!?

Two hotdogs one bun didn't even have a fucking bad game either, god damn it. His entire lineup sans "shmedium" Tee Higgins was fuckin great and yet it didn't even come close to even scratching your stupid butthole.

If I had to point my finger at anybody it would have to be Josh Jacobs. Sure, he underperformed yet again but in a way, it really shouldn't be his fault because Josh McDaniels might just be the worst fucking Las Vegas Raiders head coach in NFL history.

..I guess if I really had to bring the hammer down, it'd have to be mother. fucking. Kirk Cousins. What an asshole.

L - 105.18 (1-2) SmokinJoeSpouse

W - 111.82 (2-1) the peristaltic chain reactions

Holy fuckin heartbreak. I followed this game fairly closely with [borat voice] my wife, and it literally came down to the next-to-last-play of the game (for all intents and purposes). That Matthew Fratford fucker would not stop feeding Atwell. Except, that Tutu motherfucker was refusing to eat anything until the very, very end of the game. SmokinJoeSpouse had the slimmest - 0.4 points - of leads until that Atwell bitch finally opened wide and ate some garbage [points].

It was a thrilling battle at the very end, that was kinda sorta almost directly predicted by their projected points. Kinda fuckin nuts, really. The difference was a lot closer than the ~6.7 points would indicate.

It kinda sorta almost completely came down to the kicker matchup - with Shooter McPherson dominating Justin Tucker. And actually, if Evan had actually made that early 50-yard field goal, the swing of +7 points would have made all the difference... not to pour salt on the wound or nothin. I just think we're witnessing the fucking end of Justin Tucker's reign of terror of the kicker position. I mean, the fucker was short on one of his fucking kicks.

Aaaand that's it for Kicker Talk.

W - 94.46 (2-1) Butt Fumblers

L - 123.96 (3-0) Ethel St. False Starts

Oh look, there's the fucker that grabbed Jerome Ford. Fuckin so happy for you to pick up the player that replaced the franchise back I had drafted and is now out for the season.

Definitely hope nothing befalls your fantasy roster, especially since your god damn wide receiving corps also look completely fucking stacked given the wild production you had just ON YOUR FUCKING BENCH.

Rough fuckin weekend for the Butt Fumblers. I guess it's nice to see Alexander Mattison do well, but be warned: the Vikings already fucked up thinking they can replace one running back with another that appears similar.

Lastly, I ain't got shit but this neato photoshop,

W - 194.18 (2-1) America First

L - 130.78 (1-2) Bloodfeast Island

America First grabs the dominating win, and their crowd of online supporters could not be happier:

Not only did both Dans absolutely dominate this fucking week with their 190+ point totals, but even on a roster of completely bonkers output, I just know America First's reaction to checking the boxscore was along the lines of,

Un-fucking-believable. Bloodfeast didn't even have a bad fucking week. Even if the motherfucker tossed in McKinnon insead of Rachaad, he'd still lose by like, 50+. The best you can do is just outscore your opponent, and on a week like this one,

Again: what the fuck, Dan. What the fuck.

L - 130.92 (0-3) I went to the real Harvard

W - 156.9 (1-2) Captain Rising Sun

Speaking of getting slapped the fuck around, Mr. College Boy over here may have had the most brutal realization of them all after starting Derek Carr over Joe Burrow:

I wanted to speak to how much life has a way of slapping the absolute piss out of you when you realize that Joe Burrow isn't going to give you the production you desperately need, so you need to start Derek "has aged horribly" Carr, only to realize they both fucking suck shit:

FUCK. You know what. I'm just moving on.

So while Sam LaPortapotty and the Bill's defense gave you a fighting chance, ultimately Davante Adams took that fighting chance and gave you the ol,

W - 97.58 (1-2) The Lying Media

L - 92.76 (1-2) Team Golder

Holy shit, I was outscored by 9 total fuckin teams, including four teams that lost.

Now I hope people don't get all sorts of big mad about it, there were a lot of wild calculations I had to make, and decisions to take for this to happen:

• Start an absolute piece of fucking shit in Danny Dimes
• Leave the better Jag wide receiver on my bench
• Ultimately bench multiple people who scored more than Lockett
• Literally tear Mike Williams' ACL with my own teeth
• Trust the Bungles

Through all of these highly scientific moves, I was able to score the win.

PS. What the ever-loving fuck kind of HGH/TRT is Thielen on right now? The dude is ballin' out and hangin' dong like Johnny Sins.

PPS. So like,, is Aaron Jones going to survive? What even is a high-ankle? Do we have an upper and lower ankle? Can't you play fine with most of your two ankles? Isn't like, 75% of your ankles enough to get you on the field? OH GOD IT'S A HAMMY? No. He ain't surviving. Hamstring injuries for skill positions are the fantasy kiss of death, holy shit. Just ask SmokinJoeSpouse about Cooper Kupp.

Fin.

Heyyyy, we made it! Congratulations everyone! It's Autumn. The weather's getting brisk (at least for us normies in the Northeast), and we are in the midst of Oktoberfest season. So far: two weekends, two Oktoberfestivals. Can't wait to try my hand at Steinholding next week while getting blackout drunk on IPAs - just like the Germans intended.

Maybe I'll even piss my pants in celebration.

So good luck this week y'all. Hope you are all eyeing some decorative gourds, grabbing a pumpkin or two, and enjoying photosynthesis makin our leaves all fuckin pretty.

Love you guys, have a great week!