Broncos country, let's writhe!

Dear Mr. Snyder

Sell your team, Coward!

Source

Let them fight.

Davante Has Earned His Spiked Shoulderpads

So like .. I shared that video in the last column,,,

This week, I'd like to make a joke about it that I stole maybe, last Wednesday:

Davante has earned his spiked shoulderpads.

Thank you. That is all.

OK. Now I'm done.

Crabby

Source

I'm no fishing expert, but that seems really fuckin bad.

My submission for reason why happens to be riding the coattails of an easy one: Russia's fault. Those assfaces. Definitely them. Has to be.

The End is Near!!

Those mother fuckers at Salesforce are closing down the Free Dyno option for Heroku projects.

That fuck does that even mean, you ask?

Well, this column relies on free dynos to fucking run. I've dabbled in the paid tiers, but only for a couple months out of the year because .. well, this shit only needs attention from late August to early January.

It's one thing to force me to fucking pay for this shit, but I don't want to god damn deal with a full calendar year of payments for something that's used for less than half a fucking year.

Fucking greedy pieces of shit. I fucking hate Salesforce. From building that giant god damn assplug in San Francisco, to forcing so many of us asshole hobbyists who can't ever follow-through and take their hobbies to the next level to actually needing to put in the work I'd rather not do to find a new fucking home for this shit.

Fucking fuckers. Don't they know how absolutely lazy I am??

https://blog.heroku.com/next-chapter

They fired Greg Easterby

Congrats Houston fans!!

NFL

Ok. With those boring and stupid topics out of the way,

Bears vs Commodes

Carson Wentz is the King of Thursday Night. He's fuckin 7-0. What. The. Fuck!?

Greatriots at BOROWNS

Thought we were in for a Sunday of shit when the Pats went three and out at the fucking one yard line after their opening drive.

Thankfully, things got significantly better throughout the game and Belichick ended up tying George "Papa Bear" Halas. I hear that fucker was a pretty god damn great coach. To be tied with that guy in NFL wins definitely seems like a good thing.

Who's next on the list? Some old piece of shit named Don Shula. That fucker is such a salty piece of garbage. Dude complains about Belichick all the fucking time when in reality, he should shut his fucking mouth until he accepts that he would be known for absolutely nothing if he coached during the NFL era of 16-game seasons.

Fuckin decrepit, diaper-wearing bitch. Dude can't stop crying every time he sees a snowplow.

Because Don Shula is fucking, bitch-made.

Back to the game, I hope any and all BOROWNS fans were able to find the support they needed.

I personally look forward to this plucky band of misfits named, The Patriots.

Led by their curmudgeon head coach,

9ers @ Falcons

Tom Brady: undefeated against Falcons.
Jimmy GQ: Defeated against Falcons.

These mother fuckin Falcons are right on the Buccs' heels for the NFC South division. I can't wait for it to come down to a bitter and salty divisional matchup in late December. The anger-fueled energy of that division is just one of the best parts of being an NFL fan.

Jets @ Packpackpack

Haaa hahahahhaa! Get fucked Packers. I don't know why I dislike you, probably from the Super Bowl in '97. Yeah sure, it was a long time ago, but it also led me to cheer for the fucking Broncos in the following Super Bowl, and I'll always hate Green Bay for having me cheer for a John Elway-led team.

Anyway. As a fan of an AFC East team, I'm kind of fuckin terrified of this god damn Jets team. They're unbelievably young, they unbelievably talented, they have a solid head coach who has all of them yoots bought in; frankly the one redeeming quality that has me able to sleep at night is that until their QB learns to stay off of milfhunter.com, they'll only be good enough to disrupt other franchise's playoff runs.

At least, that's what I tell myself while huddled, crying, in the shower.

I mean, look at the skill these fuckers display when trolling. It's god damn god-tier:

I'm fucking terrified of Breece Hall debuting Can't Wait Vol. 2 in honor of this banger,,,

It still hurts so fucking much. That was possibly the saltiest I've ever fucking been after a big game. Shit, I stopped watching big Patriots games in public for a couple of years after that.

PS. 🧾🧾🧾🧾🧾

Jaguires @ Lolts

Fuckin wild turn of events for Jags fans.

It wasn't that long ago when Jacksonville was 2-1 coming off an absolute undressing (who the fuck came up with this phrase??) of the Chargers in San Diego Los Angeles. What's-his-face at Quarterback was the latest hotness. Maybe he's finally turned that corner and we were going to see Dougie put Duval on the god damn fucking map.

...

Then the Colts lost to the Eagles. Then the Texans (good fucking God). And now, the dipshit Lolts.

Indy is now 3-2-1 (Contact!), and Matt Ryan is good? I'm genuinely curious what kind of psychopath actually puts any money on any Colt-related outcomes. Overs/Unders/Parlays/Moneylines/etc... I feel like needing to include the Colts puts you in that stratosphere of adrenaline junkies who just can't ever fucking get off unless they're threading the needle through a 22" diameter passage while wearing a flying-squirrel-suits.

Vikes @ Dolphins

So I followed a bit of this on the Red Zone channel and a certain Mr. Chris Hansen made a joke about,

The most millennial of plays!

For a pass from QB Skyler to WR River.

Excuse me? What the fuck did you say? The fuck have us Millennials done to get ragged on like this? If you're going to make fun of my fellow members of the greatest generation, then get your fucking jokes accurate.

Skyler? River? When the shit did those become Millennial names?? God damn River Phoenix was never part of Generation Y.

Or Skyler? The fuck? I know literally zero Skylers outside of that one pedo character in South Park who dated Stan's middle school sister. So I'd like Mr. Hansen to please inform me how the fuck he came to the conclusion that our generation owns those fucking names.

Now, if the joke was about Kayden passing the ball to Caydenn. Or Jaeden to Creidon. Or really, any fucking name that ends in the "-ayden" sound, then he's on to something.

But only if they're whites.

I had to bring race into this because my expertise is exclusive to ragging on the Caucasity of Millennial parents and their spawn.

So yeah. Get your fucking Generation Y names right if you're gonna shit all over us. Fuck you, Chris.

Now. If you thought I'd be talking about this matchup, then you're kinda right: especially since those stupid fucking idiot Dolphins lost!!!

Get fucked you dolphin shitbags.

They have some of the best homefield fucking advantage in the league,

But can't help but get in their own fucking way, losing games and their young stud QB.

Fuckin Margaritaville-goin assholes.

Who Dey @ Who Dat

I should probably just do some googling and figure out the source of both phrases. See who came up with theirs first. Find out whether one impacted the creation of the other.

But instead, I'll just not give a shit.

Ravens @ Giants

OH SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT JUSTIN TUCKER MISS? OHMYGOD, HE'S THE GREATEST KICKER WHO'S EVER TIED HIS SHOELACES. THE GREATEST TO EVER WAKE UP, POO OUT HIS BUTTHOLE, WIPE IT, THEN CONTINUE WITH THEIR DAY - POSSIBLY PLAYING AN NFL GAME AT SOME POINT.

HE'S THE MOST AMAZING TO EVER AMAZE. HE CAN SING. HE IS A GREAT TEAMMATE. FRANKLY, HE'S A GREAT AMBASSADOR FOR THE NAME, JUSTIN.

SO IT WAS ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBALLS HOW HE MISSED A FUCKING FIELD GOAL!! OHMYGODOHMYGOD - IT MUST HAVE BEEN FUCKING FOREVER SINCE THE LAST TIME HE MISSED, RIGHT?!?!?

On the broadcast they said it was the first miss since week 10.

Of last season.

...

Am I supposed to think this is a big deal? The fuck? It's not even a full calendar year or full season of field goals. Are people amazed by this stat? I'm genuinely curious, hit me up in the DMs if you actually find this incredible.

Because it's just a fuckin miss by a dude who's routinely tested because of how fucking incredible he is.

Giants? They're pretty good.

Daboll? He just passed Dan Campbell in career wins, and Brian's only coached 6 games. Yikes!

But I ain't letting you get through here without mentioning that the phrase,

Intercept Cancer

While meaning well, is a fucking trash slogan. Holy shit. Why not,

Send Cancer to the Blue Tent

Facemask Cancer

Chop Block Cancer

Shit man, why not go after some illegal hits? It's not like Cancer plays by the rules in the first fucking place,

Clothesline Cancer

Launch Into Cancer With the Crown of Your Helmet

Target Cancer

Suspend Cancer 11 games

etc.. etc..

Buccs @ Steeeers

Yikes. Hope everyone's till with me here. Shit got a little weird at the end there.

🤔🤔🤔🤔
🤔
🤔
🤔

Panthers @ Ramses

Words can not truly communicate how fucking awful this game was. So let me describe it with captioned imagery:

Me every fucking time this game came on RedZone

Way to dodge that obnoxious Cyntha-doll-lookin bitchass, Jets. Common NYJ W.

(PS. This is where I'd like to make my second Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood reference.)

Cardinals @ Seahawks

Wtf. 19-9??

The fuck was this fucking game.

Being completely serious for a moment: this is why I try to avoid watching any/all Arizona Cardinals games. Just fucking awful. The franchise is nothing but torture for the eyes.

Just contract the team away and give Seattle the Supersonics back.

Bill's @ Chefs

First off, let me lead off with the stupid fuckin soundbyte everyone's talkin' bout:

But yeah. Josh Allen and Patrick Mahomes are gonna be givin us what Brady/Manning did. Who wouldn't be excited?

Soon it'll definitely be Zappe vs. Jones

Dallas @ Ilggles

Welp. It was a fun ride for Coop. But it's painfully obvious the dude's a backup at best - and don't get me wrong, that shit fuckin rules. You can make bank and model yourself after Clipboard Jesus. Just fuckin rock the shit and don't look back.

Philly is pretty fuckin good. Offense. Defense. Special Teams. Complete. Let's see if they can carry this momentum through the remaining 2/3rds of the season.

Broncos @ San Diego Chargers

I tried watching some of this, but instead I'll provide a synopsis of the latest episode of Bachelor in Paradise.

So the episode started during the final day before the women were supposed to give out roses to the gentlemen participants. Now, there are much fewer women at this point than men both due to design but also because the women have been self-eliminating due to poor quality of male.

Anyway, there was a bunch of drama with this dude that came on, Pizza Pete:

Dude was a classic scumbag. Like, you could not write a better absolute fuccboi character. He was incredible. The type of dude to take an insult and distill it into a compliment and a complete "NO U" kind of comeback.

😙👌
Simply magnificent.

Anyway, a bunch of the meatheads got together and gave the dude the boot. Told him to leave and shit. So Mr. Pete took his cue and on his way out gave out an incredible,

B-b-b-b-b-buongiorno bitches!

So with that dude gone the rest went to the rose ceremony and the usual suspects were chosen. One of the curveballs was one of Massachusetts' own James was left out in the cold. Lost a rose to Logan, some ugmo who really kind of worked out in what I consider an upset.

Post rose ceremony, people seemed to be pretty happy. So obviously, shit absolutely must be fucked up. Jesse Palmer (the host) shows up and ends up outright removing all the women from the spot and just bring in five new women. And then they gave the women five new dudes.

If there's one thing the producers of that Bachelor in Paradise show know, it's how to absolutely mind fuck a bunch of 20-somethings. It's completely insane and I'm 100% in for it. Especially because they get them all absolutely loaded with booze. Absolutely brilliant stuff.

Mudda. Fahken. Recaps.

W - 130.8 (5-1) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD

L - 112.18 (2-4) Bear Is Driving Car

[cough] Excuse me, I mean, even the name change didn't get enough points to win the matchup.

Oh man. This is the third league where Kyler Murray has scored the same amount of points ... and boy, his output is not good.

14.88? Where have I heard those numbers before ...

OH WAIT. SHIT

The primary slogan in the Fourteen Words is "We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children"
Fourteen words

Neo-Nazis use the number 88 as an abbreviation for the Nazi salute Heil Hitler. The letter H is eighth in the alphabet, whereby 88 becomes HH.
88

You got a lot of splainin' to do, Kyler Murray. It would be the dude who gets into Heated Gaming Moments all the fuckign time off the field. Of course.

Crazy stuff given that Kyler Murray scored 14.88 in another league I belong in,

We're onto you, Kyler. You midget fuck.

L - 76.22 (3-3) Kupp Runneth Over

W - 102.62 (3-3) 2Girls CooperKupp

Oh shit. It's actually happening!!

Who will win this battle and take home the Cooper Kupp?

...

This wasn't really that close at all. God damn it, I wanted tense. I wanted butt-clenchingly close.

Bah. To hell with this.

W - 155.02 (5-1) S3xy Randall Pharaoh Wizards

L - 125.96 (4-2) Poopy McGee 💩

Now That's What I Call Game Of The Week!

It was a lot closer than the final score would indicate, and as one can imagine, the winner walked away with sole position of the number one seed.

And yes, this isn't a typo. The franchise formerly known as the electric avenue shit sandwiches has sole position of first fucking place in the standings, with a five and one record. What the fuck.

What god damn mother fucker holy shit reality do we live in now?

Is it one where the Clerks Animated Series actually got picked up for multiple seasons? Oh shit, maybe that's the franchise thatbirths the #6seasonsAndAMovie hashtag.

Holy fuck. We're through the look-glass here people. Is this that Earth2 I've seen libtards on twitter post about? Where Hillary "yaaas kween slay" Clinton has appointed her 14th Supreme Court Justice, and these fuckers are the cast of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia:

L - 84.02 (0-6) Legendary Comeback Playoffs?!? Win a game!

W - 89.0 (3-3) _ LACES OUT

What the fuck is going on?

No, not the 0-6 squad, we've seen plenty of futility in this league. Shit man, just look at last season to see plenty of examples.

I'm speaking to the fact that it really feels like we have five teams that are 3-3. I think that's mathemagically possible. Actually, come to think of it, we could have an entire league of 3-3s, or (and it was fun to prove) one of these shits:

Nine 3-3 teams, and one 8-7 team.

That's right. The fucking wildest season of Fantasy Football in history.

Also, Mr. Moraquote was so fucking close to winning this week and grabbing that first dub of the season. And no, I'm not fucking with the commissioner. Even Kyle fuckin' Pitts showed up and scored 10+. I mean shit, this 0fer fuckin team almost lost to his own bench. That fuckin sucks ass. I'm just so happy that now with this team being due, I don't have to worry about facing him.

Anyway. Good win, _ LACES OUT. Nice effort. Good hustle out there.

L - 77.12 (1-5) Shelbyville Shelbyvillian

W - 124.3 (4-2) Ethel St False Start

Speaking of teams that suck shit, look at this Shelbyvillian asshole over here. Can't even fuckin muster 20 fucking points. Apparently also doesn't want to earn any fucking points from the Tight End position for the entirety of the season. Like,, what a fucking jamoke of a dipshit. People actually like this dude? The only quality this dude might be, is low quality.

This dude is pretty un-dude.

Solid job, Ethel St False Start. Not just because you absolutely wafflestomped my face with your starting lineup, but because you are the lone wolf from all my leagues to not start Melvin Gordon III. That bitch and his 0.8 points (disclaimer: he might be injured).

The solid pwnage from your skill positions, specifically the Arby's is truly something to appreciate. You god damn bastard.s

Power. Fuckin. Rankings.

It's nice to bring these fuckers back.

1. S3xy Randall Pharaoh Wizards (5-1)

I still do not believe this shit. Not after last season. Oh and that was a fuckin' wild win.

1b

2. Team DJ BOMB SQUAD (5-1)

I don't know. Five wins is great. Good for you. I bet you think you're so damn great.

Let's round out the top

3. Poopy McGee 💩 (4-2)

The lone emoji-user. You stand alone, Poopy. Stay proud. Stay loud. Stay poopy.

4. Ethel St False Start (4-2)

I guess having Dalvin Cook, the Quadfather, and Joe Mixon really can carry you a long fuckin way. Who woulda guessed.

Hey, at least you have a playoff spot

5. Kupp Runneth Over (3-3)

One of the eight different 3-3 teams. Impressive.

6. Bear is Driving Car (2-4)

Why the fuck do I have a two-win team here? That doesn't make any sense.

Uh oh, spaghetti-o's

7. _ LACES OUT (3-3)

So you may have enough total points to actually be in 5th place. But I have you in 7th. True story!

8. 2Girls CooperKupp (3-3)

Winner of the Cooper Kupp gets you ... placed lower than the loser of the Cooper Kupp. Hmm.

The fuckin smelly, moldy, mildewy, basement

9. Shelbyville Shelbyvillian (1-5)

What the fuck bro. I'm straight up not having a good time down here.

You fuckin piece of shit

10. Legendary Comeback Playoffs?!? Win a game! (0-6)

Big yikes. Who doesn't have a win by now?? That's wild man. Just wild.

Fin.

Ah ha! We done here!

Hope everyone enjoyed the first Power Rankings of the season. I know I always love what it signifies: I'm too invested in the season to put away my fantasy teams and column.

It's just the best. Plus it means that we have both feet firmly into the Fall Season. What I consider the GOAT season - shit, it's one of the main reasons why I moved back to New England. I'll save the sappy details for a column in the future, because I need to address what is perhaps the most important event in the upcoming days:

Every year, around this time, I share this article in celebration the NFL Camerlengo's birthday.

Who am I referring to? Mo Lewis, of course!

One day, maybe I'll update that article. It's shockingly old, and missing a couple Super Bowl wins, but it's quite possibly my favorite article on the internet.

Getting back to the season, I hope everyone enjoys the weekend - I know I'll probably brew up a hot toddy, throw it in a thermos, and go for a hayride or two on Saturday.

Much love to everyone, hope y'all stay warm and toasty as the temperature drops! Stay spooky.