What am I thankful for? Well, first off I'd have to say all of you motherfuckers. For everyone who tirelessly clicks to open their email, and then clicks again to load the column, and then for those of you who go that extra mile and actually scroll through it, well, I applaud and thank all of you.

I hope everyone had a handful of days off, and during aforementioned days off you all had the opportunity to eat until you hated yourselves. Other than using biological warfare to enact a genocide on an indigenous people, it's about as American as you can get.

[EMERGENCY EDIT]

Turns out, he is in there!!

Oh fucking hell yeah, what a wonderful start to the holidays! Get fucked, Hank. Hope you painfully burn in hell for making the World a worse place while you habitated it.

OK. That's enough from me on the topic.

For now.

Thanksgivingery

OK. Let's get back to dipshit sports stuff.

Lions vs. The Stars

Man. I legitimately felt awful for all the Lions fans out there. Not because they lost, but because they all fucking knew this was going to happen. The god damn Packers just fucking dad dicked Detroit, in their home stadium, while their fans had to just watch. I can't imagine how bitter that turkey tasted on Thursday.

Despite that game's outcome, the Detroit Lions are still 8-3 and they have a stranglehold on the NFC North. It's probably a really weird and foreign feeling for those fans - for example, here's one being told that they still are leading the division,

Cowboys Humiliate Washington

No matter how delicious any of the turkeys were in all the surrounding areas of DC and Landover, DaRon made sure everything the Washington Football Team fans could taste was Bland.

People seemed to lose their minds at that historical display. Sure, six interceptions returned for touchdowns is pretty fucking incredible .. but with how the Cowboys have played this season, they're all against the most dogshit of teams. Who fuckin cares? And the Commies were no exception. Even Jack Harlow put on a more inspired performance than Washington.

Seahawks Obliterated by Miners

Did I seriously see a shotgun playcall on 4th & inches?

What in crayon-eating-adults was that shit??

I swear, that entire fucking game could have just been an email.

What a dogshit trilogy of Thanksgiving Day games. Next year, just show Barry Sanders highlights for 2 hours if the alternative is just the equivalent of SEC teams eating the ever-loving fuck out of tier-3 conferences.

The Blackest of Friday Games

Dolphins Fuck Up Jets

Much like Al Michaels' reaction to that David Chang sandwich, I happily fuckin ducked this game.

But to give the Jets some credit, they are still the only team that have defeated the god damn smelly asshole iggles,

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Sayeth the Ravens, Tucker more

So is Justin done? He's not perfect, which is still better than probably 95% of the league, but still - I NEED DRAMA.

I have to admit, it was special watching the Stoppable force vs. the movable object in the Chargers Chargering and the Glue-eating Ravens trying to choke away a 2-score lead.

Ain'ts, Ain't good Football

Sure, children still believe in Santa Claus so why not let grown men believe in Derek Carr, but I really think it does a disservice to the psyche of these adults putting faith in a symbol that will do nothing but let them down like a pallbearer.

Oh well. Congrats Falcons, for you are the Kings of Shit Mountain.

I'm so excited for the Falcons to go 6-0 in the division, end up with a losing record, and then defeat the Cowboys in the playoffs.

Steengals

The Muth is looth!

After booting Matt Canada Pittsburgh's offense is finally bringing its eh game.

The Second Reich (firing)

Sure, it was fucking hilarious to watch the Brooklyn Nets suck complete fuckin ass and then hand the Celtics both Jaylen Brown and Jayson Tatum thanks to that KG/PP trade, but I dunno .. at least there was some excitement in those early Brooklyn Nets days.

This abomination is just the result of a Football Terrorist in GM Scott Fitterer. Panthers really could have the fucking number one pick and it won't even matter. On the bright side, they could feasibly run it back and get the number one pick next year, too.

YOU GOT MINSHEWED

Colts are scoring 20-something points per game and that's without their neato studly rookie QB. Good for them. Must be nice to have a god damn bulletproof offensive line. Even the Jorts King looks decent behind it.

On the other hand: holy fuckin shit being a buccs fan sure sucks ass some most times.

New England Patheticriots vs. New York Football Gabagool

WHAT A SPICY MEAT-A-BALL OF A GAME

I'm going to give Ryland and Belichick the benefit of the doubt and assume that missed field goal was on purpose in order to spare the crowd and tv market the absolute fuckin torture of watching overtime. Sure, it's free football but it would come at a price.

Thankfully, the Patriots won the Tank bowl and keep pace with the Cards and Panthers. Let's fuckin goooooooo, and draft a QB.

AFTER THAT FUCKIN NEW QB, THE NEXT STOP IS THE SUPER BOWL

Manning vs. Brady: The Next Generation

This shit was pretty neato, and it came down to like 3". Which is a lot. More than adequate.

This Stroud and Lawrence rivalry might just drag the AFC South out of mediocrity and make for an incredibly fun string of matchups for a decade.

Anyway, speaking of the past, check out this awesome image,

Denveland Browncos

I didn't expect much resistance from a team that's giving mother fucking Joe Flacco reps with the first team this week so Denver winning isn't shocking, but after what they've gone through I can't fucking believe they are still in the hunt.

Just take me back to a simpler time, when Miami was scoring 70 fucking points on them. I hate the fact that Denver has so much god damn fucking hope,

Ram Jam feat: A R I Z O N A

K Y R E N W I L L I A M S
Y
R
E
N
W
I
L
L
I
A
M
S

Kansas City Football Team @ The team formerly located in Oakland formerly located in LA formerly located in Oakland

Kansas City is 10/10 with Rice.

Motherfuckin Chefs went on a 31-3 run to end that game. Although the Raiders did make it kinda funny going up 14-0.

Buffalolololol until it Jalen Hurts

Josh Allen had himself an incredible Josh Allen game with just another typical Josh Allen end.

That's kind of fucking insane. Although to even get to OT it took one of the wildest weather-influenced kicks since Vinatieri's two kicks against the Raiders in the 2001 NFL playoffs.

Jake "The Make" Elliott is a god damn fucking boss. Almost as much as this kid,

I hope no one watched Monday

WE BIG-10 NOW

CONGRATULATIONS! THE FIRST DIVISION WIN IN THE DWEEBERFLUS ERA!

Fuckin 1-9. Good fucking god.

That said, I feel like Bears and Justin Fields fans don't really fucking feel all that great or willing to fuckin celebrate that chemical fire of a game.

Welcome back to Earth, Passtronaut. You played like Asstronaut.

Fantasy Nightmare Recap Time

HERE WE GO. I am fucking jacked up right now and hope you all are too!

W (8-4) Two hotdogs one bun

L (5-7) SmokinJoeSpouse

"The highs are high. The lows are low."
- My wife.

That's fantasy, babey!

Although I'd probably say that the highs are more equivalent to that wonderfully fleeting feeling of IRL drugs,

In fact, I'll let Homer do the explaining for me on how, a win is more like a beer:

Anyway, while all probably seems lost SmokinJoeSpouse, the complete and utter dumpster fire of the longest active losing streak in the league will eventually burn out and who knows, maybe that chance at the playoffs will rise once again like the Phoenix of legend.

I mean, it couldn't possibly get any worse, right? Please God I hope it doesn't. Our household needs a Champion.

Two hotdogs one bun on the other hand, has secured his spot in the postseason on the back of one of the more dominant performances of week 12. Every single fuckin roster spot just fucking killed it outside of that Tyler Boyd asshole, but that's on Double-Weiner Boy for turning his back on forgotten son, Jakobi "Oscar" Meyer.

L (5-7) Team Golder

W (7-5) America First

Yo what the fuck. Stat Padford scores 31+ points?

• Jalen tops 40 points??
• Kyler Murray hit 22?
• Even Russell Wilson outscored his projection and got 18+??

WHY CAN'T I FIND A FUCKING QUARTERBACK WHO CAN AT LEAST THROW HIS WAY OUT OF A WET PAPER BAG?

God fucking help this league if we ever switch to a Superduper Flex and allow two QBs. People would start scraping the bottom of 200 points per fucking week.

Anyway, to stay more in the present, I just wanted to give a shout-out to Chubbsie Hubbsie and Rolls Royce Freeman for giving their best effort out there during this fat-ass feastively plump season. Team Golder needed quite a fuckin bit given that America First's roster really took the holiday into account and god damn feasted this week. Sure, 14.7 points is probably below average for AJ Brown but that doesn't matter when Jalen Hurts just fucking vultures goal line touchdowns like he's channeling the soul of Mike Tolbert.

Even at 5-7 every fuckin point counts towards those tie-breakers that might help you get that final playoff spot.

W (8-4) Air Force

L (5-7) Team Name

Good thing Air Force fuckin won because I'm sure he'd be absolutely be fisting himself in anger for keeping Kyren on the bench. Who cares about points tie-breakers,

So despite the dipshittery of Justin Herbert trying to get his fucking coach fired in the hopes that the Chargers can pick up Belichick, it's fucking tough to slow the god damn train that is Tractorcito, CompactDisc Lamb, the Sun God, and fucking Tyreek "I'll shove my pregnant girlfriend down this" Hill.

Just seeing AJ Dillon with 10+ on the fucking bench makes me throw up in my mouth since I have picked him up in what feels like every fucking league I play in and the dude can barely find himself a cheese-filled brat for the Packers, let alone double digit points.

Speaking of asshole Green Bay Packers players,,,

Fucking Jordan Love.

It's never pretty to bench a win.

Who would have thought the dude would rise to the occasion on Thanksgiving? Fucking no one.

W (10-2) the peristaltic chain reactions

L (6-6) Bloodfeast Islandmen

I guess it's nice that the Bloodfeastery topped 100 points but holy fucking shit. 170 fucking points??

This fucking number one seed of a team is completely pulverizing its competition, and I'm asking them to kindly chill the fuck out. Like, seriously dude. The fuck point are you even trying to make?? How could you do this to your own family?

You're going against a team that has to start the consistently disappointing, Mad Meek Dog Mattison and fucking Cade Otton. No offense to the Islandmen but, come on.

You even have the receiver heir apparent in KC in Rashee Rice, too.

I'm going to reach back 15 years for an appropriate meme for this shit,

W (8-4) Jerome Boger American Icon

L (1-11) Belichick is my silent partner

Who would have ever thought that by week 12, someone would be ditching TuAnon to stand back and stand by as a Stroud Boy.

[JOE: hah, that was a fun sentence to come up with]

I guess it's not the most shocking thing in the World. CJ was the second fuckin pick, and everyone knew he could fuckin sling a ball. Then you got Tug-a-voila who was recovering from his brain being mushed into pudding last season.

Well, whatever. It happened.

And shit. Jaylen Waddle got 19+ points? Didn't Tyreek also top 20+? How the fuck did those assholes score so many fucking points while TuAnon didn't even top 10 points?? What the fuck?

Ugh. Who fucking cares, I'd rather just point and laugh at Justin Fields and his attempt at leading the Chicago Bears. As much as I kinda hate Mac right now, I have no fucking clue if I'd want Fields over him .. I guess at least Justin is exciting to watch. Definitely more exciting that mother fucking Ekeler. Dude's up there with Kupp as complete fantasy disappointments this season.

L (2-10) The Lying Media

W (7-5) Sir, This is an RBs

Holy shit, I have four fucking players on my bench that scored 0.0 fucking points. What the fuck. Are these assholes injured or just protesting my team?? Only one of them is listed as Questionable. Christ, how can I be so fucking bad at the stupid fucking waiver wire?

I guess at least Ridley and Bijan lit shit up, which was nice. But fuck if only I had kept that fucking Jordan Love asshole. How the fuck would anyone know he wasn't going to continue fucking sucking shit?

Congrats, Sir, This is an RBs. This was a no-fucking-doubter after Thursday/Friday. You were absolutely fucking spanking my bare-ass by 70+ points going into Sunday.

I guess it could have been worse. You could have started that Gabe Davis motherfucker.

Fin.

While we close the book on week 12, we're just getting started on an incredible holiday season! Thanksgiving was incredible thanks to a double dose of delicious meals and our first-ever Black Friday game .. and while it totally kinda fuckin sucked, it's a nice little preview of what's to come in the future. Kind of a perfect day for just a dabble of football, and it's early in the day so it doesn't completely crater your afternoon.

Couple that with a pretty relaxing weekend spent passing as much of the Turkey grease you were able to mop up with stuffing and mashed potatoes, and you got yourself a great start to the holidays.

Shit's only going to get wilder and wilder, and don't forget: if any of you assholes want a reason to spoil your kids, partners, spouses, or whoever, you can always get that gift ready for December 6th, which us Polaks call, St. Nicholas' Day. I've ranted about it before, but it's such a nice little aperitif to the rest of December.

If not, then no worries, we all got a wonderful early present with the death of that bloodthirsty bag of melted hog fat, Kissinger. Boy oh boy am I going to sleep well tonight!

Anyway, good luck this December and have a wonderful week 13. Continue to stay safe and as stress-free as you can, cause shit's gonna get fuckin wild as they always seem to.

Much love and take care. Can't wait to see everyone next week!